Lo Siento, a last ship fanfic

Lo Siento

Lo Siento in Spanish literally means I'm sorry, either as a means to express regret or to express condolences. In this story, Tom and Rachel use it as a means to express regret –. I agree with Tex, I do believe Tom & Rachel will get the opportunity to say the things they need to say – whether it happens as I've written maybe just wishful thinking but hey, a fan girl can dream right?

The song lyrics in this story are from "Hands to Heaven" by Breathe

Rachel hurried around the lab, packing only what she needed, Tom had been very clear on that point. Choosing what clothing she'd needed hadn't been difficult, given where they were. The American Deep South in summer was hot and sticky, so loose cotton was the order of the day, along with her favourite blue jeans. What to take from the lab though? It was all so vital, everything was important – all of it! To calm her nerves, for she knew it was nerves that had her unable to focus with her usual clear headedness, Rachel put in a CD she'd burnt for herself and hit play, the tune that begun to fill the lab was "Hands to Heaven" by an 80's band she'd been into back then, Breathe. The lyrics were so appropriate – she'd watched Tom give the briefing this morning, only it had been sunlight that had illuminated his movements.

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Since the lifesaving surgeries she'd performed on him to save his life, he'd begun to relax the restrictions he' placed her under, and had told her after the briefing he'd asked the president to include her in the list of pardons he would be issuing.

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

As she listened to the words, and thought about the mornings events, Rachel closed her eyes, and began to dance, imagining she and Tom were dancing. Unbeknownst to Rachel, Tom had stopped by her quarters to speak with her, driven by the need to say goodbye – no to say see you again soon, goodbye sounded so...final. He stepped forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, causing Rachel to jump, gasping in startled surprise. Without saying a word, he held out a hand to her, beckoning her to dance with him. Tom marvelled that after all they'd been through, Rachel slipped into his arms as if she'd been made to fit there; her head tucked just under his chin, her body moulded to his as they swayed to the music. Rachel didn't know what had brought him here, but she wasn't about to look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Instead, she savoured the feel of his beautifully muscled body pressed so intimately against hers, listening to the sound of his steadfast heart beating under her ear.

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

Silently, the tears rolled down Rachel's face, soaking into the jacket of Tom's BDU's, her shoulders shaking silently with the force of her sobs. Tom could feel her crying, and knew what the cause was – he hated this distance that had formed between them. Since she'd literally saved his life, things had begun slowly to repair themselves and she'd even begun to resume the teasing banter they'd enjoyed prior to her killing Niels, before their relationship had deteriorated so badly. He stroked her back gently, swaying gently to the sound of the music, as he pressed a tender kiss to the top of her forehead.

"Lo Siento, Rachel, lo Siento" He whispered softly in her ear.

Rachel stepped back and looked up at Tom's face, startled by his words, further startled by the tears she could see forming in his eyes. She reached up and lovingly wiped the tears from his eyes, smiling up at the man who despite everything that had happened between them, still held her heart.

"Lo Siento Tom – shouldn't that be my line? I am sorry, for everything" Rachel told him, her sincerity evident in every syllable. "If I could change things...believe me, I would"

"I know Rachel, I know" Tom replied "It's why I asked the president to include you in his list of pardons. I've been doing nothing but thinking about everything that's happened, and when I look at things with a clearer heart, I know that you're sorry, and so am I"

"But why Tom? You have nothing to be sorry for" Rachel replied softly

"I do Rachel, and we both know it" Tom returned "I practically forced you to work with Sorensen, I knew how you felt about him, how he felt about you, can I really be that surprised with how things played out?"

"Can we move past this then Tom? I hate this distance between us – I hate it!" Rachel whispered fiercely, stroking his cheek lovingly. No matter what happened next, Rachel knew she loved this fierce, proud warrior with every beat of her heart. She made no effort to hide her emotions, let them play across her face openly as they continued to dance.

"Yes, yes we can move past it, Rachel I want it so badly it hurts!" Tom said with equal fierceness "Once this battle is over, when you return to the ship, we'll talk again, and we'll keep talking this time, I promise!"

As the music finished, Tom held her for a few moments longer, before stepping back and releasing the woman he was slowly losing his heart to. He knew he wasn't quite ready to start a relationship just yet, but he would be soon, and knew with equal certainty it would be with this woman, with Rachel.

The following morning, time seemed to run away from them both as Slattery organised the land teams, and the RHibs needed to carry them to the temporary safety of land. As she walked out of the Helo bay, Rachel turned to look back at the man she loved, praying it wouldn't be for the last time. She wanted to say something, anything, to let Tom know just how she felt but the words just wouldn't come. In her mind, she could hear their conversation from the previous evening, and the song that had played in the background as they'd danced.

Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye, goodbye

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
You relieve my sadness

She held Tom's gaze for a heartbeat longer, their eyes never leaving each others, until Slattery turned and out of Tom's eyeshot, waved her over to the waiting RHibs. As Rachel turned and left, Tom was swept with a fierce desire to sink that goddamn sub, and its twisted crew of Immunes. He had made Rachel a promise he intended to keep, and keep it he would – nothing would stop him.

** I had intended to write another chapter to this story, but I'm still in shock over the finale, and the thought that Rachel could be gone – I'm just heartbroken. I pray that the writers are just trying to up the angst & keep people watching, that Rachel will survive after a touch and go fight, as I don't know if I want to watch if Rachel is no longer in the cast. Rhona Mitra was the reason I started watching The Last Ship – and I'm just so sad (I know it's only a TV show). Plus, I really want to write the next chapter of Slow Burn and save Rachel, exorcise this sadness I feel!**