I have the tendency to overshare, and about to do it again. Death is no stranger to me and I've faced a lot of it in the past few years. February, 2019, was particularly bad and I found myself destroyed. If you were looking for an explanation of my absence, that's it. I've thought about writing this one-shot for a long time, and now seemed to be the perfect time to do it. It's a plot bunny, yes, but it is also very personal to me and rooted in real aspects of my life. I created it with the intention of dealing with things I've been through and hopefully helping others through it as well. Enough about me though, enjoy.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JK Rowling.

"I loved, and I loved, and I lost you" Fleurie – Hurts Like Hell

Xxxx

October 31st, 1981

The Cokeworth house was his, and his alone. The voices, the presence of his parents in this place having long ago faded despite his young age of only twenty-one. Home wasn't a word he would use to describe this place, one that had never fit. But, it was all he had.

Severus pulled back a thin, off-white and dirtied curtain, giving a glance down the familiar, cobbled street. He often found himself here, his eyes wandering to the same place. The home no longer belonged to the Evans family. The light that was turned on inside was from that of the new occupant, an owner that was entirely unfamiliar to him. Lily's parents had passed years ago, not long after his own. The two of them had been alone in this world, clinging only to each other. Of course, he had ruined that too.

He allowed the curtain to fall back into its place, resuming his hopelessness in this dwelling. The only change in his life was if it took place within the walls of Hogwarts or these ones. The worthlessness, the ability to do nothing persisted no matter where he was or what he did.

He could make no contribution to the war, at least not a helpful one, not one that actually mattered. Severus had agreed to take the position of professor under the guise that Lily and her family would be kept safe, but any grand gesture he had expected in her defense had been nonexistent. He spent his days teaching insufferable toddlers, or feeling the burn of his flesh when the Dark Lord found his presence necessary. It was a meaningless existence, one that was changed at the sight of a translucent phoenix suspended in front of him.

Its wings beat against the night sky, a peaceful sight to behold, but the same couldn't be said for the message it carried. "Come to my office immediately." The husky voice of Dumbledore gave a command that Severus could never imagine denying. He stepped to the floo, giving a toss of powder and enunciating the location of his office as he stepped within the green flame that licked at his skin.

The urgency in Dumbledore's voice hadn't persuaded him to move any faster than his usual. It was likely another command, another manipulation he had to obey without question, another way for him to risk his life. He wasn't in a rush to see what all the fuss was about.

Severus took silent steps from where his office was located in the dungeon, through the dimly lit corridors and up countless flights of stairs. He moved through it all, even muttering the password to the gargoyle outside of Dumbledore's office in a daze. Nothing mattered to him in this moment.

He wrapped his fingers around the circular handle of the door, pushing it inwards. Dumbledore's back was to him as he focused on something beyond the window of the tower. One arm hung freely by his side while the other was lifted to his face. Covering his lips or stroking his ever growing beard, Severus couldn't be sure. He allowed the door to thud shut behind him, announcing his presence.

His eyebrow was raised in expectation, assuming the headmaster would turn towards him. Instead, he was met with a short silence. Dumbledore's voice finally came minutes after Severus had arrived, filled with the same urgency, the devastation as his patronus had been. "There's been an attack." He faced Severus, not quite meeting his eyes.

He felt his body weaken, the muscles of his legs give way. He lifted an arm, placing his hand on the nearby wall for support. "You don't mean…" Severus didn't bother to finish the question, already knowing the answer. Dumbledore wouldn't have called him here following the attack of any other.

"Yes."

He felt his throat grow tight, his own eyes dropping to the floor as his breathing hitched. The terror, the heartache flooded him. He felt as though his veins were shaking, his heart emitting a physical ache. "A-and she…they're…?" Dead. He couldn't say that one word out loud.

"Yes." Dumbledore's voice came again, quieter than before. Severus wasn't entirely sure if he had heard the word or merely imagined it. The terror transformed then to rage, rage at the man in front of him, at the person he had sold his entire fucking life to. The man who had promised to prevent this very thing.

His occlumency failed him. He was unable to hide anything that he felt as his head was raised to meet Dumbledore's gaze. "I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…"

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person." His eyebrows lifted. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

It was as if Dumbledore had physically struck him. A reminder of his wrong doings apparently being more important than the loss of the Potters, of Lily. More important than the fact that Dumbledore had promised to protect them. That Severus had sold his soul to this devil to ensure that she lived. Somehow, Severus' guilt, his shame, had killed her still. It was all his fault.

Xxxx

He had stayed in the office through the accusations, the assurances of what Lily had left behind – a son –, had stayed long enough even for Dumbledore to drag yet another promise out of him. He had given his word that he would protect her son, the last thing in this world that was a part of her. It was a word Severus vowed to himself he would never break. It gave him a meaning to this wretched existence he called his life. But, that hadn't stopped the haze that invaded him.

Every word Dumbledore spoke seemed to get to him minutes later, fighting their way through the heavy cloud that hung over him. Before Severus had even left the office, questions had flooded him. Each step he took in the direction of the grounds filled his mind with something else. The reminder that he hadn't done enough, that he hadn't been enough. The familiar sting that he had made the wrong choices in life, that he himself had gotten her killed. If he hadn't agreed to spy on Dumbledore during that interview, hadn't joined the Dark Lord, or had even listened to Lily during their Hogwarts days, they wouldn't be here now.

He walked as if on autopilot, turning without fully realizing where he was or where he was going. He had one place in mind, and he had to get there now, or he would never have the chance again. His pace was close to breaking that of a run, but he was still head of Slytherin House. His eyes may have been rimmed in red, his cheeks blotchy, but he had to save some face. He was grateful then, that it was so late into the evening, that it was unlikely for him to meet anyone, student or otherwise, along the way.

His boots hit the grass, the crisp, nearly winter air meeting his lungs. It was invigorating, familiar. The wind of the night nipped at his skin, whipping his black curtain of hair around his face and stinging his already tired eyes. Rain drizzled down on him, wetting his skin, his robes, as lightning lit up the night sky. It seemed even the weather knew to be devastated.

"Your Mum's a witch, Severus." Lily chastised him from the front stoop, her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand as she watched him.

Severus rolled his eyes, bringing the rake to a stop. "Yes, and your point?"

"Well." She lifted her shoulders sympathetically. "Couldn't you do this?" She drew her willow wand from the pocket of her jeans, aiming it towards the small pile of leaves he'd been able to assemble. A strong gust appeared, nearly knocking him off his feet. Crunchy, fragile leaves in various stages of decay whirled around him, clearing themselves from the grass and assembling a bigger pile than the one he had made by hand.

Severus frowned, fire igniting in his eyes. She knew perfectly well why he didn't use magic. It had nothing to do with whether or not the Ministry would be alerted by magic being used in this household. He opened his mouth to protest, but she had already stormed the short distance towards him. She shot him a cheeky, lopsided grin that revealed her teeth. A smile he could never be mad it. He knew whatever she was about to do was no good, but he found himself unable to resist her. She gripped the front of his faded, black t-shirt, collapsing into the pile of foliage and pulling him down on top of her.

The anger in him melted away as her gentle laugh met his ears. Brown leaves clung to the threads of her peach sweater and he chuckled at the sight. Her hand, previously clinging to the fabric covering his chest, drifted to his collar. Her smile faded from her lips, but not her eyes. Her coral shaded lids closed slightly, as she looked down. His own smile flattened, realizing where exactly she was looking. He took the chance, closing the distance between them and snogging her in a pile of dead fucking leaves.

Severus found himself in Godric's Hollow, not entirely aware of how he got there. He knew he had apparated, had somehow known where she lived, but he had no memory of his walk or the apparition there, his mind too caught up in the smell of peppermint that always lingered on her breath. That he'd likely find now.

The house was in shambles, blasted to pieces. Turning a doorknob simply wasn't practical to the ever dramatic Dark Lord. Judging by the fragmented brick that was now strewn across the front walk, it seemed he had used a bombarda instead.

Venturing into the home, one that was so very Lily, he found that the destruction continued. Broken bits of furniture, of wall, doors, windows, everything that had been in the Dark Lord's reach lay broken about the carpet. He stepped carefully around the destruction, feeling it crunch beneath his heavy boots.

The sight was unsettling. Even if he hadn't known what had happened here this night, it was evident that the home had been lived in. The broken cup, the brown liquid across the floor signaled that they had been alive only hours ago. And now it was much too quiet., save for the crying infant.

Severus found the stairs, taking slow steps as he prepared himself for the inevitable. As he neared the top, his eyes fell upon that of a foot. It was male, slightly blue in color from the lack of oxygen, James.

He was unable to feel the usual hatred that had been reserved for the man, that he found at the mere thought of him on any normal day. A hatred that had dwindled ever so slightly since Severus made the decision to protect them.

Now, he stepped around him, his eyes not leaving James' body. The silk, purple pajamas that Lily might have given him, the wand that was still clutched tightly in his hand, the glasses that were askew on his nose. Severus reached down, fixing the black frames before tearing himself away.

The hallway was short and as destroyed as the rest of the house had been. The Potters had put up a fight. His eyes looked further, falling on the doorway to the room that held Harry's cries, the room he knew would hold her. Looking inside, he found another crumpled form, Lily.

Chills ran up his spine, down every inch of skin, his throat closing completely as he neared her. He leaned heavily on the wall, gradually falling to pieces himself. His mouth gaped as he entered the room, a cry of desperation, of heart break escaping him. He collapsed, falling to the floor and crawling the short distance to her body, drawing her into his arms.

This time as he held her, she didn't hug him back.

She was cold and far too limp, accepting his touch in a way a living Lily never would, not now. He held her against his chest, his fingers snaking into the rusty curls that hung down her back. Severus clutched her, knowing that this was it. He would never get another chance, would never get to see her smile, hear her laugh, he wouldn't get to apologize for the things he had done. He would have accepted the anger, the ensuing fight if he showed up here, looking to make things right. Any amount of rage would have been tolerable as long as it meant she was alive.

He found himself staring into her green, lifeless eyes, the sparkle that was so characteristically hers having been snuffed out. There was no point in closing her lids, he had learned the hard way before that that wasn't real, that the dead continued to stare at you from beyond the grave no matter how hard you tried. Perhaps it was fair, then, that he should have to endure her stare. After everything he had done, this was nearly punishment enough.

"Lily." He forced. "Oh, Lils." He couldn't close his eyes, he couldn't miss even the slightest part of this moment as it was their last together. His eyes drifted downwards, falling on her hands. Her nails were painted, as they always were. Painted nails are a sign of a lady, she had told him once. Now, beneath the light pink nail polish, was an unnatural shade of purple. The purple of death.

A tear escaped, running down his cheek as he stood, leaving her in a more natural position than the one he had found her in. Knowing he could do nothing for Harry, that someone would be coming for him at any moment, he took his leave.

He wound his way back through the decay, back over James' body, and down the street. It was dark, street lamps nonexistent in a wizarding neighborhood. He hid beneath the dark covering of a nearby tree, sinking to the ground. He cast a charm, protecting himself from the storm above. He may have been distraught, but he wasn't an idiot.

"Did you know you can count the seconds between lightning and thunder to know how far away it is?" Lily asked, her voice distant with interest.

"Rubbish!" Severus protested from beside her. The two of them lay on the floor on their stomachs behind the screen door of Lily's home, watching the storm roll through.

"No, really!" She insisted, turning to face him.

"Where'd you hear that, then?"

"I-I-" A red blush colored her freckled and chubby, nine year old cheeks. "Just shut it and believe me for once."

"Fine, I do!" Severus laughed as lightning struck again.

"One, two, three…"

The sound of apparition stirred him from his memory. The massive frame of Hagrid was unmistakable, even from this distance. Knowing that Harry was safe, Severus stood, disapparating.

Xxxx

October 2nd, 1981

Severus' hand tightened on the leather of the steering wheel, the arrow of the speedometer creeping slowly upward as he sped along back roads toward London. The fingers of his other hand were entwined with hers. The windows of the car were rolled down, the summer wind providing background vocals as she sung along to the radio.

Severus smiled, joining in despite himself. She was entirely irresistible and a terrible influence, if he was honest. She was the one person who could make him do such silly, carefree things, could make him forget about his miserable life at home. In their moments alone together, whether it was stealing her parent's car or huddled beside the river, he found himself to be someone else entirely, someone good.

Severus blinked his eyes open. In his prone position, the black sheets were the first thing to swim into his blurred vision. He had little time to take in the surroundings before the pain set in. The weight that pressed down on him, seeping into every corner of his soul.

He lived for that split second between wakefulness and sleep, that one moment when everything seemed right in the world. He forced his eyes shut again, aiming for that feeling of perfection and knowing it could never come. Sleep was a reprieve, he wasn't faced with the agony of reality, but it never lasted long enough. Severus would have stayed there if he could, in the cocoon of warmth.

It was more than just the fact that Lily was gone, but everything that went with it. Something about this place reminded him of her. He didn't know if it was the light scent of sage that seemed imbedded in his sheets, the same potion ingredient he had smelled on her skin, or something else. All he knew was that he ached. What he wouldn't give for one last conversation, one more hug, if nothing else, a look that wasn't full of pure hatred.

The thought of her weighed him down, like weights attached to his clothes, pulling him underneath the tide. The waves of depression, of grief washed over him, choking him. Each time he tried to come up with air did another one come. Enough oxygen flooded in his veins to keep him from death, forcing him into this existence of too many memories, too many questions instead.

He rolled over, wanting to do nothing more than sleep, to give into the one escape he still had. He couldn't continue this day. He couldn't wake up in a world where she no longer existed. He couldn't go about, pretending to be fine. He couldn't live his life knowing that she never would.

He felt as though he'd swallowed a bag of rocks, his stomach aching from grief. The gravel down his throat and through his intestines reminding him that she was gone, that she was never coming back. Lily Evans Potter lived solely in the minds of him and many others. The memory of her was all the he would ever have.

At least when she had been alive there was that flicker of hope that maybe one day they could be apart of each other's lives. It was a foolish desire, one he'd always known was impossible, but it was more possible then then it was now.

He would never get the touch of her from the night before out of his mind. He had held the shell of her, of what she once was in his arms. Death was no stranger to him. He had seen it with his parents, with the victims of fellow Death Eaters. He had inadvertently been the cause of many to lose their lives, but Lily was different. She was young, full of life. She could have made a difference in the world. She was the one person who had been capable of getting past the icicle that was his heart, and he had let her slip away.

Lily had been gone for just over eight hours. Well, she had been dead for that long, she had been gone from him for years.

I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?...The world doesn't revolve around you...They're Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them…Mudblood…I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine.

Severus felt physically ill.