Diary,
When the words left Bonnie's mouth, I felt like my whole world collapsed. Everything stopped; time, my breathing, everything. Then, like a rising storm, an ache formed in my chest, and it was so great and painful, that I stumbled back.
"It's too late."
It's too late. Three words. Alone, they're just words, but when you put them together, it has the power to tear you a part piece by piece. That's what happened to me. I was torn apart piece by piece, until reality suddenly became a blur, and I couldn't feel anything but the pain. I've lost so many people. My parents, Jenna, Alaric, John, my brother. I lost Stefan at one point, but he's here now, and so is Alaric and Jeremy.
But Damon,…
I never thought I'd lose him. In fact, ever since I first met him, Bonnie told me it was just the beginning, but now the beginning feels too far away. Like I never got a chance to catch a glimpse of what our future would've been; could've been. Damon had told me that. He told me that he'd seen a future with me the second his eyes saw me. And I believed him, cause at the moment, I felt the same way. I thought losing my parents was unbearable, and then I lose Alaric, Jenna, and Jeremy. Then I thought, "No; this is unbearable." Then, Jeremy came back, but Bonnie…
Bonnie is dead. Just like Damon.
Without both of them, the word "unbearable" sounds like a childish word. This was something else. It was a word much more painful than that. I'm pretty sure the way I feel can't be summed up into one word, actually, or one sentence. I feel hollow; like everything that I used to hold and breathe is gone. I feel so empty. I feel broken, hurt, alone. Damon can't even be a ghost to watch over me now that the other side is gone, along with Bonnie and him. Writing this down hurts; my fingers are trembling with ever letter I write. Stefan said it would help me, but what will this do? Damon, my love, is dead. Bonnie, who is…who was, my best friend, is dead. The whole world feels dead. I'm dead. My soul is dead. Every light that comes through the window feels like another reminder of the light that is gone from me. Every time I walk outside and see a crow, I think of Damon. The dark feathers remind me of his hair, and the nature of the bird reminds me of Damon's personality too.
I miss him. No, I don't miss him, I- I don't know how to write it down. But I don't miss him. I feel like there was a bond that connected us, and then suddenly the bond was ripped a part, and now I'm left with a half broken soul, but when I found out that Bonnie died, the other half of me vanished too.
So what does that make me?
What am I without them?
I don't know how I'll survive without him. He was my life. I love him. That hasn't changed. I'll always love him.
I don't think I will survive much longer without him.
RIP Damon Salvatore and Bonnie Bennet. I love you both.