Every single time I closed my eyes, I returned to the Department of Mysteries, with spells flying over my head, to my left and to my right almost as if someone had bewitched the room to rain Unforgivable Curses. I replayed the moment in my head, wishing that I had a Time Turner powerful enough to rewrite that event, to alter the deadly outcome.
When I saw him fall, it felt as though everything had come crashing down. I watched his last laugh and I watched in horror as he disappeared through the archway. I should have been there to deflect Bellatrix's curse, I should have been there for an old friend, just as he had always been there for me and I should have honoured the marauders' promises from years ago, back when a stag, a dog and a rat sat in the ruins of the Shrieking Shack and risked everything to help a werewolf.
At first, my primary concern was for Harry. I couldn't let him harm himself, or worse, merely for the sake of seeking vengeance upon Bellatrix. As I knew well, there would be plenty of time for revenge in the future, numerous occasions upon which he could face her in battle once again. In all honesty, I hoped that Bellatrix would meet her match in someone far more ruthless than James's son, someone who was prepared to truly make her suffer. Harry's longing to hurt her was short-lived and I knew that acting on impulse was the most dangerous thing that he could have done. I would have been a poor excuse for a protector, had I allowed him to seek revenge in a battle which he would never be able to win. Even the adult members of the Order would have struggled immensely to defeat Bellatrix.
It was a few hours after the battle, when I returned to headquarters and sat in the dark kitchen alone, that I began to comprehend what had really happened that evening. Sirius was gone. The last friend from my past had been snatched away, just like James and Peter. James had been taken by death, Peter by the dark forces which we had all once sworn to resist. Now death had claimed Sirius too and left me completely alone, staring up at the moon which would be full in a few nights and I dreaded the lonely transformation which awaited me. I hadn't spent a full moon with the stag, dog and rat for over two decades but since Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, Padfoot had been keeping me company during those dreaded nights. Now, I would undertake those transformations alone, as nature intended, the wolf even more deadly than before. It had tasted a life with midnight companions and without them, the werewolf's rage was more potent than ever.
I felt guilt beyond compare when I thought of James and Sirius. After everything that they had risked to become Animagi, after all the times that they had covered for me and cursed our enemies on my behalf, I hadn't been able to save either of them when they needed it. With James, perhaps I had the excuse that I hadn't even known the location of his home but with Sirius, I had been standing metres away from him. I should have jumped to save him, to repay him for everything he had ever done for me. As a brother to a brother.
After the kitchen grew unbearable with Kreacher's snide pleasure at Sirius's demise, I made my way slowly upstairs. Quite what I was seeking, I wasn't sure but I needed to find something to occupy my tortured mind. I pushed open the bedroom door with my best friend's name carved into the worn wood and stepped inside.
I hadn't been expecting anything reminiscent of the dungeons at Hogwarts but I certainly hadn't anticipated the red and gold of Gryffindor to greet me, hanging from wall to wall in an almost obvious rebellion against the murky colours of the remainder of the house. I had to smile at Sirius's willingness to completely highlight his difference to the rest of his family. As I made my way further into the room, my heart gave a jolt of sorrow as I saw the moving photograph hanging on the wall.
Four marauders smirked back at me from out of the past, unaware of what their future would bring, perhaps just four or five years after the picture was taken. I recalled that day at Hogsmeade with a rush of happiness and warmth. Sharing butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks, watching Sirius flirt unsuccessfully with a much younger Madame Rosmerta and cheering in delight after Peter managed to cast his first real Patronous Charm.
James asked Lily Evans to take the picture and although she wasn't extremely fond of us at that time, she couldn't suppress a small smile as she watched the four of us link arms, James and Sirius showing off as they usually did. Peter's faced was wreathed in smiles, delighted that he'd finally been able to cast a Patronous Charm, astounded that he was considered special enough to be a part of our group.
I wondered sometimes if it was my fault that Peter had joined Voldemort. I had shown him the least trust of everyone towards the end, excluding him from information regarding the Order and trying to dissuade James and Sirius from relying on him too. I had always felt that his heart was never really in it and since we'd left Hogwarts, I'd seen Peter following in our footsteps into the Order of the Phoenix instead of choosing a side himself. Perhaps I'd merely highlighted his weakness to Voldemort. It was only Sirius and I who ever doubted him. James would never have tolerated criticism of any of us, even if it came from another marauder.
Suddenly, I found that I could not look at the picture any longer without tears springing to my eyes. The reminder of what I had lost, so blatantly represented before me, was too much to tolerate and so I exited the room in a hurry, closing the door behind me almost too quickly. The carefree teenage days of so long ago were shut away inside the room and the memories of them in my mind forever.
I had to do what I could to keep fighting and to defeat the dark forces which had penetrated every crevice of my life. I owed it to my friends, to James Potter and Sirius Black. If the Order fell, they would have died in vain.
It was my turn to repay them for everything they had done for a shunned werewolf. Even with the loss of his friends, Moony would not forget everything that they had done.