"This song is about the feeling you get when you meet a puppy for the first time and you try to convince your parents to let you take it home and they say no. And you're torn away from that puppy. And it's fucking bullshit."- Alex Gaskarth on All Time Low's song, Remembering Sunday.
Sirius only noticed the rain because of way his firewhiskey sloshed around when raindrops landed in the bottle. He had never felt as numb as he did exiting the Leaky Cauldron that night, seeing the Daily Prophet headlines in the windows:
He Who Must Not Be Named Continues to Gain Power- The Wizarding World is Not Safe
Sirius did not need to read on. He had practically memorized the article the previous morning, had read it over and over, though he didn't know why. Feeling a deep retching in his stomach and taking another swig of firewhisky, Sirius skimmed through the list of missing people once more, in case he had been misreading all this time.
Death Eater attacks... missing... Dorcas Meadowes.
The page was blurred through the haze of insomnia and intoxication, but he was positive he saw her name there.
"Dorcas Meadowes." Without thinking, the words slipped off of Sirius' tongue. He dragged his feet along the streets of Hogsmeade as his mind flashed back to the previous Sunday, which felt so long ago.
~ ~O~ ~
"You're doing it wrong! Put down your wand and crack it with two hands or we'll be eating eggshells," Dorcas dictated from her seat upon the countertop.
Sirius glanced up, losing control over the blue cloud around the levitating egg and letting it fall into the pan whole. "I know how to crack an egg, Dorcas, I just can't focus with you doing that to me!"
"What, dear?" Dorcas batted her eyes innocently and crossed her legs.
Sirius turned to face her. "Being all... you. Speaking to me with that voice, being so strong and cute at the same time and-"
"I can't help it. Now get to work, I don't like the taste of burnt eggs." Dorcas grinned in spite of herself and twirled a lock of short auburn hair between her fingers.
"You're right," Sirius smirked and started approaching Dorcas slowly, "I think I'd like the taste of something else a little more." He sauntered up to Dorcas, and even though he was intending on flirting for a little longer, she wrapped her legs around his waist and leaned forward to kiss him. Sirius smiled into her lips, taking Dorcas in his arms and lifting her off of the counter.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Thunder crashed overhead. Sirius made up his mind then- he was going to find her. Abruptly, he his bottle on the pavement, barely taking note of the shards of glass now littering the street.
He had been pacing, but soon took to the streets in long strides, without a destination in mind. He slowed to a stop in front of the first person he encountered, a wizard around twenty or thirty years of age clothed in a grey trench-coat. Though under an umbrella, he kept his head down.
"Dorcas Meadowes!" Sirius said, his voice slightly winded.
The other wizard looked up, and Sirius recognized him as a former Syltherin head boy. He then stood up straight, proving to be two inches taller than Sirius. "What? What do you want from me, you filthy-"
"Please!" Sirius took a step closer to the man, desperation in his voice, "I- I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother, but- well there's this girl, Dorcas Meadowes, and she's-" Sirius couldn't bring himself to admit the theories that she had been attacked, possibly killed by Death Eaters. He sighed, "I don't know where she is, but have you seen her? Heard her name?"
"Sorry," the other wizard grunted, though his expression was filled with apathy. He focused his eyes forward again and continued walking on.
Sirius let out a noise somewhere between a shriek and a moan, wincing as his voice cracked. Even when he and Dorcas had been separate, he could usually feel her presence. Years ago, the concept would have sounded strange to him, but since he and Dorcas had met, every time he looked up at the stars, he just knew she was looking at the same ones.
That night, he could not feel her. He could not feel the rain or the wind, and he couldn't feel her love. All he felt was numbness, with some twisting and squeezing in the pit of his stomach.
All Sirius saw were black boots, his feet dragging down the streets with no clear destination. He thought that maybe if he kept walking, he'd find her, maybe find someone who knew where she was. His sub-conscience guided him, and soon the pavement underneath his feet was replaced with a field thick with mud that sloshed about. The place was familiar to him. It held his favorite memories of summer, picnicking with Dorcas, back when the mud was lush, green grass.
~ ~ O ~ ~
"You know this isn't going to last, don't you?" Dorcas said to Sirius, though her question was directed up at the clouds. After their picnic, they had laid down in the grass, not willing to return home after what had been the most perfect day.
"What isn't?" Sirius asked, rolling over in the grass to lay on his stomach and propping his chin up in his hands, staining the elbows of his sleeves. His head was now looking over his lover's, blocking her view of the summer sky.
"Moments like these. With He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named getting stronger, a war's bound to break out soon."
"And we'll fight if it does. But for right now..." he let his voice trail off and planted a kiss on her forehead, an action warmer than the summer itself. "Right now we don't need to worry. We've got time to let go, just lie here and... well, be in love." Sirius hesitated before the last part, which was uncharacteristic of him, as he was usually a confident and blunt Gryffindor.
A thoughtful expression came across Dorcas's face, and she sat up and turned to face the man she'd never admit was her heart's deepest desire. She suddenly grinned, letting out a bit of laughter, reaching out to wrap her arms around Sirius's neck. He smiled back, but as Dorcas was pulling him closer, she abruptly stopped midway, almost as if time itself had frozen.
"What is it, darling?" Sirius asked, confused and dying for Dorcas to close the distance between them.
"I-I'm sorry, Sirius. It's just... I can't let myself fall in love with you," she didn't look into Sirius's dark, confused eyes, for she knew she would fall apart if she did. "I live for days like these, but the war is so imminent, and if we lose focus there's no way we'll make it."
"But... but we could do it. Don't you believe in love?" The strain in Sirius's voice proved how desperate he felt.
"No," Dorcas replied softly and painfully. Her fingers were crossed behind her back, but she knew her response would save both of their lives.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There were only a few patches of grass left in the meadow from that night, but it was all yellow-brown and thin; dead. As Sirius stepped back into the street, he realized he must have had been walking for a while at that point, since the field was so wide that a person standing on one side of it could not see to the other. It was late, and the sun was closer to rising than it was to setting.
Sirius looked up from his now muddy shoes to figure out where he had ended up. He was near a local grocery store, one he had often gone to as a child. The same Daily Prophet headline was hanging in the window, and Sirius only had to glance at it to make his body fill with pain, pain he had never felt, as if someone was gripping his throat and squeezing.
The newspaper clipping stayed put, but the headline vanished. It was instantly replaced by bolder, darker letters.
Death Eaters Fighting- Countless Wizards Tragically Lost
Below it was a list of names, far too long, of the innocent wizards who had been murdered, the brave ones who stood in the way of the Death Eaters' attacks.
No, Sirius thought, skimming down the list, looking for one name in particular. No, please no, no no no!
Dorcas Meadowes
A small blurb was next to her name, explaining that after taking on five Death Eaters at once and holding her own, Voldemort had to step in and kill her personally.
Sirius could count the number of times he had cried since he was ten on his fingers beginning with falling from fifty feet in the air during his first Quidditch match. His family had disowned him, and he considered it more of a relief than anything else. Yet in that moment, he broke down. He sobbed until his tears were indistinguishable from the rain, until the shrieks of his cries melded with the sound of thunder and he wondered if he still existed at all. Maybe he had faded into the storm, and there was nothing left of him but a puddle of despair.
Truthfully, Sirius would have liked that. He would have preferred to let the rain wash him away. He didn't know what to do, how to handle the terror filling his mind and soul. He wanted to leave, wanted to leave the world and the agony. He took off in a sprint, not slowing to consider a destination. The rainwater splashed around him and his feet smacked the pavement as he let his strides lead him wherever they chose to go.
Soon it seemed as if there were tremors under Sirius's feet, and, blind from the wind blowing in his eyes and dizzy from his staggered breathing, he fell to his knees. He wiped the tears, raindrops, and sweat off of his face and looked up.
He had run where he usually ran in the face of hopelessness: to Dorcas's house. Though it seemed nonsensical to him, it looked exactly as it always had. The grey shingles and light blue windowpanes still held their friendly disposition, and the oak tree in the yard, one he had climbed just to give Dorcas a good scare, stood sturdily as ever against the rough wind. The place, though he knew deep in his mind it was empty, still held a certain comfort and sincerity.
A sigh escaped Sirius's mouth. Dorcas, his Dorcas, had been too tough for five Death Eaters to take down together. He always knew she had strength beyond what she gave herself credit for. At least she had finally proven it to the world.
Sirius sat there for a minute, just breathing, picturing the concentrated look his love took on when she fought. Even during a simple argument, she would stand her ground with a severity that would make anyone, Death Eaters included, want to run home to their mother. He did not remember how to smile, but his frown faltered at knowing she gave them hell.
Sirius shoved his hand in his pocket in pursuit of a handkerchief, but emerged with two chocolate frogs in his fist, Dorcas's favorite treat. He never understood what she enjoyed so much about them, but he knew that to her, the childish desserts represented all things gentle and pure in the world. They seemed to have a charm on them that could instantly bring a smile to her sweet lips when nothing else could. Sirius wanted the same lightheartedness to come back. He opened the box of his chocolate frog, and let it hop into his hand. It was the same deep brown as her eyes had been. He put it in his mouth and it tasted like her kisses.
The bittersweet memories of Dorcas and the time he'd shared with her had Sirius feeling a new type of pain, like chills all over his body and a hollowness in his chest. He felt useless, along with another, unfamiliar feeling he did not recognize as broken heartedness. Thunder crashed overhead. Where had his beloved gone? Could she still feel his presence like he was so used to feeling hers? Desperate to put his arms around her again, or even just to sense her near him, Sirius opened up the box of the second Chocolate Frog.
It did not jump out of the box immediately. Instead, it paused and looked up at Sirius, as if forlorn. Sirius put the box on the ground and gave it a little tap, urging the frog to jump out. It was hesitant to go free, but eventually it started hopping away into the distance.
Sirius watched it leave, wondering where escaped Chocolate Frogs went and if there was any way it could find its way to Dorcas. The frog continued down the street, hopping against the wind and into the starry horizon. It grew smaller and smaller, until Sirius could no longer see it.
Then suddenly, the rain stopped. The winds died down, and the clouds parted. There was no logical explanation for the abrupt change in the weather, but Sirius had an idea. He could feel deep in his soul that it was Dorcas's way of showing him she wasn't truly gone yet, at least not for him. In the new serenity of leftover water droplets dripping from the leaves of the old oak tree, Sirius thought he could hear a faint laughter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or "Remembering Sunday", both which inspired this story.
This was written for TrueBeliever831's All Time Low Competition.
Hope you enjoyed! And regardless, feel free to drop me a review :)