This is terrible. I thought lady Sybil´s death was the worst thing I´ve ever seen. I don´t say this is worse but… it´s as bad as that. The only thing which is different is that I didn´t see it, I couldn´t do anything what would change it, so it´s better than hopelessly watch Sybil suffering from eclampsia and could do nothing. On the other hand, I liked Sybil, but I don´t love her mother…
I close my eyes and breathe in. The weather couldn´t be more suitable for a funeral. Fog is very thick, so thick I can´t see top of the church, it´s cold and chilly and everybody seems to be even smaller. The crowd of people in black clothes, hidden under umbrellas are standing in the cemetry. I should be there, but I can´t find the courage. I wouldn´t be able to stand beside Isobel when she´s mourning. I know I should help her in her sorrow.
I didn´t feel anything special towards Matthew, but I respected him and he was lord Robert´s heir. That´s all. And of course, he was Isobel´s son. When they carried him here after he was wounded in the war, I really tried to do my best. I think I even neglected other pacients because of him. People probably thought I did it because he was the heir, but that´s not true. She wasn´t there, not in those first days, but I wanted to surprise her, to do some miracle. I wasn´t able.
She was visiting him there, talking to me about him, wanted me to calm her, to say her everything will be okay. I couldn´t, but she was there anyway. Then he got better, the wedding with miss Swire was about to happen and one day, Isobel came to the hospital. She tried to look as if nothing was happening, but once I forced her to sit down and have a cup of tea, she started to talk. She was upset about Matthew´s will to marry Lavinia, even though they both knew he loved Mary. She said she couldn´t watch it. She let me hug her, even though it wasn´t appropriate.
„You´re so kind, doctor Clarkson," She put her head on my shoulder, „so kind. I hope I can rely on you. Nobody can know this, I have to pretend I´m happy about it, but I´m not. What mother I would be if I was happy when my son is going to marry girl he doesn´t love? I can´t speak about this with him, because he´s unhappy enough. And I have to be excited for the wedding, marriage and everything. But I´m not. I want the best for my son, and that´s not this fragile girl."
„I agree with you, madam. Your secret is safe with me, don´t worry." I told her and realized she was still in my arms and didn´t try to pull away.
„I know. And thank you, you don´t know how much you mean to me." I gasped and pulled her closer. She rose her head and looked straight into my eyes. Suddenly I realized how close to me she was. I tried to ask her by sight. In her eyes I saw uncertainty but also some glimmer.
I´d kiss her if a nurse called Julia didn´t choose that time to come in. Or better say that some soldier didn´t choose this moment to have some problems.
„I´m sorry, doctor Clarkson, but Mr Smith got worse, he doesn´t look good. Oh, sorry, I-" She gasped, her eyes widened and shut the door very quickly.
„I am sorry I bothered you, doctor, you have much work, obviously. Thank you for your time and good bye." Isobel smiled at me but it wasn´t a happy smile, and went away.
I have to admit I also felt relief when Lavinia died. But it didn´t go as well as I expected. Isobel found herself some job far away from here and I was seeing her less and less. Then Matthew proposed to Mary, everyone was happy but Isobel wasn´t coming to the hospital more often.
Then that awful thing with Sybil happened. She wasn´t there, she didn´t see it but afterwards, she just appeared in the hospital and insisted on talking with me, even though I said I didn´t want to talk to anybody. She can be really stubborn sometimes.
She really made me feel better in that days. She kept convincing me it wasn´t my fault, I couldn´t do anything and stuff like that. I knew it myself, but I didn´t complain she spent so much time with me. Our relationship went much better then, we were really good friends and I felt I really couldn´t hide my emotions any longer.
One time, there was a fair in Thirsk so I invited her to go with me. She seemed really pleased. We had a great fun, everything went well, and I couldn´t resist any longer. I may have drank too much, I admit. And it was quite crazy to ask her.
All the time, she was nice, kind but she didn´t mean to be more than my friend. If she did before, the time passed and now she didn´t want to be doctor´s wife again. Maybe I missed my chance, maybe I have never had one. The point was that she was really clear when it comes to it.
Thomas was badly injured so I could occupy myself with taking care of him. It wasn´t much serious, but he needed my care even though Isobel may have as well be able to give him the first aid. Anyway, we didn´t spoke about it again.
I started about it again when lady Mary was about to give a birth. Isobel was just shining waiting for her first grandchild. She smiled at me and pretended she didn´t remember that awkward conversation. She didn´t know she had only few hours of happiness and that the newborn was about to be the only grandchild she will ever have.
Life is really strange. You can never be sure what future brings. One time, you are absolutely happy and few hours later only think you want to do is to die. I peer into the fog and finally get enough courage to go there. I come beside Isobel who can be presumed dead as well, and rise one arm a bit. She looks at me, tears covering her face and burries herself in my arms.
When the funeral is over, she stayes here a bit longer. I stand next to her, watching her but make sure I don´t bother her. After at least ten minutes, she turns to me.
„Richard," she starts and I know everything went wrong. She has never called me Richard. „I don´t want to make you feel sorry for me. I don´t want to see your compassion, even though you feel it. I have no right to say you what you should think, but please, don´t look at me like that. Everyone does it and I can´t stand it anymore."
She wipes her face with a handkerchief and then moves on.
„I know you want the best for me. I really appreciate everything what you have ever done for me. And I know you´d like to be more than a friend to me. But I can´t… I don´t-"
„Isobel, you don´t have to speak about it." I assure her. She shakes her head.
„Please, don´t interrupt me. I don´t have much courage to say this. I want you to know that I love you. You mean more to me than I can tell. But I´m not prepared to be your wife. Not after Matthew…" Her voice breakes and she bursts into tears again. I can´t watch this any longer. I do some steps towards her, hug her and pressed her head on my chest. She sobs for a while and then gently pulls apart. I let her go.
„I can´t be your wife, not now. I will just mourrn and that´s not a kind of woman you want to have at home – and I don´t want to make you upset or unhappy. Please, don´t talk about it again, I wouldn´t stand it."
„I promise. I won´t do anything you don´t want me to. I only want you to feel as good as it is possible." I say, looking straight into her eyes.
„Thank you, Richard. You´re the best man I´ve ever met. I love you." She whispers, comes to me and gives me a light kiss on a cheek. And she walks away as if nothing happened, but very much happened. Everything.
Even though she refused my proposal, I have something to hope for. But now, in the worst time, she doesn´t want me to be by her side. I will help her as much as I will be able to, but this… She doesn´t want me to be unhappy with her. She thinks it´s better when she´s alone then bother me. Doesn´t she really see how much she means to me? Does she think I only want her money?
No, I guess she just doesn´t want me to be bothered with her. That´s typical Isobel. Always selfless, never willing to bother anybody else, to rely on anybody else. She´s a very confident and proud woman and that´s a problem, but also it´s the same reason why I love her.
I bow my head to hide face from a light rain and slowly begin to walk home.