Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any Bleach character.
Warnings: This story won't be a happy one. It will contain strong language, sexual situations/talk and suicidal thoughts/attempts.
Author's Note: This is a three-chapter birthday gift for the lovely, utter, mega, ultra amazing ExtinctionOfReality! We both share the love for 369 and angst, so here it is, a mix of both =D
I hope you enjoy the chapter. This was not beta-ed, I apologize for any mistake.
369 – Life is unfair.
Chapter 1 – 3 -Life is unfair
Life was unfair. Some people had everything, others had nothing. It was the basic rule of life. In any world or realm, where was happiness there was also sadness, where was wealth there was also poverty, when there's love there was also hate. It was a life of polar opposites. Black and white. And Kira knew that there was no such thing as grey area, this was just an excuse for those who didn't want to accept the truth – that life only worked for some and was extremely partial to others.
Sure, he had been raised in a wealthy environment, and amongst his close friends Kira had been the one with the best childhood, but he also had the most to lose. Abarai, Hisagi or Matsumoto, they were all orphans that never met their parents, they had to take care of themselves from young age, with no one to educate them, nurture them or kiss them goodnight. Kira had that, he had loving parents who wanted the best for him. And he lost them. Life was unfair because he had known love and lost it, while the others – who had craved for some family to raise them – had no idea what was to lose a parent.
Kira had end up alone, and with no skills besides his brain and his reiatsu sensitivity. He didn't know how to feed himself like Abarai, Hisagi or Matsumoto, he didn't know how to protect himself when no one was watching his back. While the others learned how to survive all of those things, he only learned that life was unfair, because it showed him unconditional love and then took it abruptly from him.
It was best to not have known love at all.
But that changed. Over the years, Kira had discovered that family could be consisted by the ones around you, not necessarily blood relatives. Most families in Soul Society were made by random people who just got along well. Like Abarai and Kuchiki Rukia. They were family, much more than Rukia and Kuchiki Byakuya. Their bond was stronger than blood or in this case a name. And it was the same with him. Kira was born within the Kira clan, and though he felt really proud of it, he also considered his friends to be his family, there was no difference between blood and friendship.
But life was still unfair.
He had discovered unconditional love again, but this time he was the one loving. And he was not loved back. He was liked, but not loved. And it hurt so much, it made him sick.
He couldn't compare the loss of his parents with his unrequited love, but in the end the pain was similar, like his heart was stabbed in the exact same place it was before.
Kira knew his friend would never deny him, but he also knew Hisagi would only be with him because he was kind. That was the type of man Hisagi was. Selfless and stupid. He would please him because he couldn't dare to break a close friend. Especially him, who was as broken so many times.
Unlike Kira, the Ninth division Fukutaichou believed in the grey area. He believed that there was something between good and bad, and that sometimes bad things needed to happen for good things to come. That the end justified the means.
However, Kira knew better. There was nothing that could change a written path. And yes, his path was written the moment he was born. It was decided that he would born the moment his parents fell in love, it was decided that his parents would die the moment that virus was created and they were infected. It was decided he would lose Ichimaru the instant the silver fox laid eyes on him. And it was decided he would love Hisagi the moment they almost died together, when they were protecting each other. It was a matter of chemicals and mathematical variations that controlled his life. The amount of reishi is body was made, the amount of reiatsu he could expel and control, all of these plus his weight and height, and amount of steps he took that day, the amount of times he stopped to greet other Shinigamis, this led all to where he was now – the top of the hill in the Ninth Division barracks.
It was fate that brought him here, it was fate that made him met Hisagi there, and it would be fate that would make Hisagi break him.
Life was unfair and so was this kind man.
Hisagi smiled when he appeared. His grey eyes were uneasy, though, as if something was tormenting his mind.
"Hey," the brunet greeted.
"Hello, Hisagi-san."
"Is there something you need?" the question strangely hurt him, he had no idea why. Maybe he didn't want Hisagi to think he only came because he needed help or ask a favor.
"Not really. I was just walking by," Kira said sitting next to the other man.
"Okay," just that. The word stung through the blond. He knew Hisagi was probably aware of his feelings, which didn't make him less nervous. It was hard to deal with Hisagi in these conditions. The lack of conversation made Kira wonder if he came in the right time. Or maybe Hisagi was doing on purpose avoiding conversation with him.
Silliness. Hisagi wasn't like that.
He could confess now... Hisagi wouldn't deny him, but that would be unfair for him, because he didn't like him back. Confessing or not, fate would be unfair for one of them. Kira preferred to be the victim of the cruel destiny.
"Is everything alright?" he asked.
Hisagi thought for a bit, and then nodded in return.
"Yeah," it was almost like a whisper. Liar.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?"
Hisagi smiled again. "I know. You are a good person, Kira."
The blond smiled back, but his heart ached. He was craving for good words, but those weren't enough. He just needed someone who would make him feel the most important person in the world, even if it was for one single second!
And it was that dreadful, despicable craving that made him say those three dream-shattering words.
"I love you."
Hisagi didn't move, or was surprised. He already knew. He simply said, "I'm sorry". And Kira broke completely inside, because not only life was unfair, but his mind played tricks on him, and made him believe Hisagi would be kind enough to at least try something with him.
He was a fool, and now he ruined everything.
Nothing else was said, and Kira felt as if his body was shattering, his skin dissolving, leaving only bone. And the bones would eventually turn to dust. He felt like he was disappearing and was no longer needed.
And he wasn't.
Several minutes had pass since Hisagi spoke, and Kira cut the calm environment as he got up and prepared to leave.
"Kira," Hisagi called as the blond turned his back to him.
"It's okay," he replied and left without hearing any other word. This was the last time he was going to hear his voice.
He didn't know where to go, and he didn't care. His feet were walking on their own. The sky was turning dark, so dark he couldn't see anything. He wondered how could a man like him ever considered that Hisagi wouldn't deny him. How? How couldn't he predict that Hisagi didn't want him? All the probabilities, the odds, everything was in favor of him being accepted. Where did he miss? What did Hisagi hid from him?
And it hit him. Hisagi was in love with someone else. It was the only thing that could make him deny Kira.
The blond silently cried in the dark night where there was nothing but trees and tall walls. He didn't care anymore. Life was unfair and he couldn't deal with that, he was too weak and too tired. He was liked but not loved, no one loved him and for so many decades he waited and waited for a soul to love him unconditionally. He was feeling the same pain he did when his parents died and Ichimaru abandoned him. He was alone and it was unbearable.
He was going to end it.
Right now, right there, in that dark place. He grabbed Wabisuke unsheathing it. He regretted not saying anything to Hinamori or Abarai... and Hisagi, he regretted not saying goodbye to him. He could still leave a farewell somewhere. With Wabisuke he cut his hand, and with the blood he wrote "I'm sorry" in the wall nearby. He moved a few steps away so he wouldn't splatter the blood and smudge his goodbye.
He breathed deeply, feeling the cold wind one last time. He closed his eyes. He thought for a few seconds about the poor soul that would find his dead body, hopefully wouldn't be anyone that he knew. It didn't matter he would be dead anyway.
"Raise your head, Wabisuke," he released his shikai, and put the hooked end around his neck. Nothing else mattered anymore. He couldn't deal with life any longer, and he believed that this was the best for everyone. No one else had to deal with him and his stupid feelings and cravings.
He closed his eyes and took one last deep breath.
"Kira?" his eyes shot widen open.
"What are you doing?" the figure in front of him asked. Tall and strong, like one of those ancient Greek statues in the human world. Red hair so bright it could be seen in the dark. His hands started to shake.
"A-Abarai-kun," he could only say.
"I sensed you releasing your zanpakutou, so I came here. What are you doing?" he asked again as he approached him, and he froze when be saw Wabisuke around Kira's neck.
"Kira? What..." his voice died.
It was embarrassing Kira being caught liked that, he had no idea what to do now.
"P-Please leave, Abarai-kun," he begged. But Abarai didn't leave and instead walk forward fast, grabbed Wabisuke and took it from Kira's hands with a strong grip. Kira felt so weak in that moment, like he was a small ant that could easily be crushed.
Those strong hands grabbed his shoulders and shook them. "What the hell you think you are doing?!"
The shaking blocked his thought process and he couldn't respond anything reasonable, his mouth opened and closed without having anything solid to say.
"I-I..." he looked up to Abarai's worried/pissed off face, and he broke down in front of him. He sobbed heavily like a small child, that's how he felt, so small and fragile.
Abarai hugged him close to his chest. He didn't judge him, and Kira was glad for that. He simply hugged him for what it looked like hours.
Eventually, Abarai took Kira home, made him go shower and made him tea. They were both in Kira's room, with hot tea in their hands. Kira's eyes were red and swollen from crying, he was feeling miserable.
"Well," the redhead spoke, "Are you going to tell me why you were planning on killing yourself?" his words were harsh, but Kira could comprehend why and know that they were full of concern. Still, Kira didn't answer anything.
"Kira, that was fucking selfish! What do you think would happen if I didn't show up?"
"I would be dead," his words sounded like venom.
"Yeah, dead! And what do you think would happen to us? What if it was Hinamori who found you? Without a head?"
"I don't th-"
"You were nearby the Fifth! Did you want to make her found someone close to her dead, again?"
He was nearby the Fifth? He didn't know.
"I-I didn't know, I didn't want to do that to her."
"Then why were you thinking in doing that? What about me? You were planning on dying and leaving me?"
"I wasn't, I-I..."
"And what about Hisagi?" Kira tensed hearing that name,"or Matsumoto? She already lost Ichimaru, you want her to lose you too?"
No, he didn't want to hurt her. Not even Hinamori or Abarai, but they all had something to hold on to. Abarai had Rukia, Hinamori had Histugaya-Taichou and Matsumoto had Hisagi. They were never going to be alone.
"It's fucking selfish! You were leaving us behind!"
"What about me?!" Kira burst. Abarai startled with the blond's reaction. "What about me? I'm already alone..." his voice broke down, "and I'm so tired of that."
"You're not alone," Abarai said, "I'm here for you. We all are."
"You are all busy, always. When Ichimaru-Taichou left, no one was here. And no one has been since then..." he looked down, "Only Hisagi-san."
"I know I have been a bit busy, but I'm always here for you. You are always in my mind. I also knew you weren't completely alone, because Hisagi was with you." The redhead breathed deeply, "You were holding him together too, it would be unfair to leave him."
Unfair? But life was unfair.
"He can handle things better than me. He doesn't need me anymore..."
"What are you talking about? Of course, he needs-"
"At least not the way I want him to," Kira completed his sentence. And Abarai turned white at that. "I know, I'm not the best looking man, but I really thought I had a chance with him... I don't know why, but I felt confident with him, because he made me feel like I was worth something. Yet, I was wrong and I miscalculated the fact he was only being my friend. I'm so foolish."
"Don't say that. No one can control who they love, right?" Abarai sadly said.
"I know..."
"But you are important to me. I would be devastated if something happened to you."
Kira closed his eyes to avoid more tears to come out, he didn't want to look so weak in front of his friend. He didn't want Abarai to feel bad or be devastated.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, just like Hisagi whispered to him and broke him to a thousand pieces.
"It's okay," and the answer burnt even more. "Just don't do that ever again. If you need someone, I'm here always. For anything."
And life was unfair because in that moment Kira noticed that death wasn't an escape to him. He was stuck in this world of sadness and hurt. He was in hell with no way out. He didn't want to hurt anyone.
He wish he had never knew love, because that way he would be able to live as a machine, a robot or and artificial soul with no wish for feelings or to be loved. Maybe that's how he should live now on...
Before Abarai left he made Kira promise never to try to kill himself again, and Kira made him promise to never tell anyone what happened.
If Kira was going to be a robot or an artificial soul, then he was going to need to cut his feelings for everyone from his life, and he would need to do it first, with the most important one – Hisagi-san. If he could do that, then he would be able to do it with anyone.
It was morning and he went to the Ninth Division Squad. He was going to do this, he was going to tell Hisagi that what was said the day before was a misunderstanding and that he loved him as a friend, he was going to make sure things weren't odd between them, and that conversation never had real impact. Just make Hisagi think he got things wrong.
Kira walked fast to the Fukutaichou office, and there with all the rest of his courage and energy he didn't wait and opened the door without announcing his presence.
And in that moment, Kira wondered why was his life so terribly unfair and made him have the guts to be rude and entering someone else's office without knocking exactly in that moment, because Hisagi and Abarai were half-naked, kissing right in front of him...
To be continued...
Two more chapters to come, with Hisagi's and Renji's POV. =)
Reviews are welcomed.^^