Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda. I think all of you will be really happy after reading this fanfic that I don't. xD
"Standby on the Double" is rated "T" for Link's language use and mild adult themes.
Standby on the Double
A Legend of Zelda Fanfiction
Rule number one: never make a bet with a woman.
…Especially if said woman is the Princess of Hyrule.
Link tried to hide his sigh, looking quickly away as the befuddled councilman eyed him worriedly. Another council member—what was his name, anyway? Sir Moneybags? Richey Rich? Lord Brags-a-Lot?—quickly questioned him what was on his mind and assured him that the entire council was concerned.
Link hated politics. He was a swordsman. He let his sword do all the talking for him. Whenever Link got in front of a crowd, his palms always sweat something awful and his legs would tremble. Sometimes he'd stutter, too. Besides, everyone knows words are crap. No political leader ever actually fulfilled any of their promises. That included Zelda.
He'd be dead if he told her that.
Actually, Link would rather make a public speech than this legalized torture. Apparently these council meetings were supposed to ensure that everything in Hyrule was going peacefully. There was a Zora council member who only cared about the fish supply in Lake Hylia and nothing else, the Goron who always munched on bomb rocks—no one seemingly minded when the bombs exploded during the gatherings-the Gerudo woman who went on rants about the faults of men, and then the old, stuffy Hylian aristocrats who only cared how fat their pockets were.
It was discerning, really. Everyone was out for their own self-interest. All the "let's get together for the good of everyone!" was just a bunch of horseshit.
Zelda once told Link he was too nice for politics.
…he was beginning to agree with her.
Why were women always right?
Link tuned out the rest of the meeting. Zelda usually only spoke at the end. The council members didn't really care for her well-being, as long as she was a means to suit their every rich people whims. He almost punched a councilman that started babbling on how the aristocrats were the "privileged people" who had the responsibility to look out for the "poor souls" who worked the fields. It took all of his self-restraint not to clobber the aristocratic mommy's boy into the next oblivion. If he punched the sap, Zelda probably would have kicked him out of Hyrule.
"Milady?"
Whoops. Looks like they wanted him to say something.
It was a good thing he loved Zelda so much, because if he didn't Link was going to strangle her.
"Good sirs, thank you for your time. I feel we have adequately discussed this issue and I will leave you to your own deliberation. Until tomorrow, then." That sounded like something Zelda would say. Link pushed back from the table, rising as gratefully as he could. He tried not to trip on his frilly, poufy pink dress. It was hard enough to walk in heels, let alone heels that were three sizes too small.
Yes, you read that right.
Link, savior of Hyrule and the Hero of Time, was reduced to wearing a dress.
…don't even get him started on the corset.
Link walked away as quickly as possible, ignoring his maids' worried noises. He mentioned something about his monthly (Zelda told him to mention that whenever people questioned his strange mood) and shut himself in Zelda's bedroom.
He sighed, letting himself flop into the huge, plush bed. He could hear Zelda nagging about wearing makeup in bed in the back of his head. With a sigh, he rubbed at the foundation all over her white pillow and eventually gave up. He'd put that one in the back of the pile. He resisted all urge to tear off the long golden wig. Noooo, he had to make a public appearance for a visiting lord—what was his name again?—and Zelda really would murder him if he didn't show.
You're all probably wondering how Link found himself in this grand and humiliating situation.
It all started last week…
"I hate being a princess."
"You say that every single day. It can't be that bad."
Zelda frowned at her fiancé who was lazily sprawled across her couch. There was hell raised when Link asked her to marry him from the councilmen. How dare the princess marry a mere commoner? Zelda wanted to tell them to shove their inflated egos up their asses, but that probably wouldn't help her cause. Instead, she argued that Link was a strong swordsman and a capable warrior (she couldn't mention the whole "Hero of Time" thing even though it was true, seeing as the majority of Hyrule didn't know about the whole shebang) and that somehow convinced them. She loved Link. Link was the world to her. Unfortunately, he wasn't really skilled in politics. Not that Zelda minded, Link would be a figurehead and a figurehead only, but the lazy boy didn't know anything about being a political leader. Link only saw the perks of being a princess. Everyone cared about her, she made strong decisions, the people loved her, she lived in a lavish castle, etc. etc. If only there was a way where she could show him what daily princess life was really like…
Wait a minute.
Zelda's eyes widened. She was a genius.
"Linky?" she asked innocently in her sickenly sweet sing-songy voice. Zelda kissed him lightly on his forehead to boot, brushing the bangs out of his face. She loved playing with his honey-wheat locks.
"What?" Link questioned suspiciously, his eyes narrowing. He knew she was up to no good.
"Duke McQueen is coming to Palstoria," she continued in her angelic voice. Zelda nuzzled Link's cheek lovingly, caressing his toned biceps and kissing him gently. While he was clearly enjoying the attention he made no attempt to return the actions of affection. He knew she was planning something.
"A tween idol is coming to a neighboring country and you have your panties in a wad? You're a princess, Zel. You could host a private concert for him if you wanted." He frowned, pulling away from her and folding his arms across his chest defiantly. "Besides," he grumbled sheepishly. "What's so special about him? His singing voice is higher than yours."
Zelda giggled. A jealous Link was too adorable. "The live concerts are the best," she said. "I've always wanted to dance with my girlfriends in the crowd and scream at the top of my lungs."
"The council will never let you do that," Link said proudly. For once he was glad those stuffy old men existed. "You're the princess."
"I'm a regular girl," Zelda corrected. "Besides…who said the council will know?"
Link frowned. Yep. He knew she was up to something.
"Zelda, the whole scarecrow in your bed trick doesn't work. We've tried that before."
Zelda grinned, remembering the memories of her various escapades sneaking out of the castle with Link at night. Those were some of her fondest memories of her entire life.
"Oh, I'll have a live double."
Link raised his eyebrow. "Huh? Who?"
Zelda grinned.
"I bet a certain someone is going to realize being a princess is much harder than he originally thought."
Damn that Zelda.
So sue him. Being a princess was much harder than he originally anticipated. Who knew entertaining old men would be so difficult? Everything was so fake. Everyone spoke in this odd, high-pitched voice screaming with falsity.
Not to mention, people bowing before him was just plain creepy.
"My princess, the lord from Genoive is here," a handmaiden called.
Crap. Link fixed his wig, tripping over his porcelain heels as he bolted to the mirror. Okay, sometimes it was scary how much he and Zelda looked alike. They both had slender faces, similar body size, blond hair and blue eyes. With the magic of makeup and padding, Link looked almost exactly like Zelda. In fact, he looked so much like her, he could fool the citizens of Hyrule.
…it was a bit of a blow to his masculinity.
Link nodded, taking a deep breath and walking as gracefully as he could-seriously, Zelda must wear kids' shoes because these heels were not made for walking-careful not to make anything amiss.
Why was he so nervous? It was just a visiting lord.
Because I can't help but think he's here to steal away my Zelda.
"Milady," a deep, commanding voice greeted. Link watched a tall—much taller than him. Hey, Link can't help it that he's barely five feet seven inches tall, that's just unfair genetics—muscular, dark-haired man kneel before him. Link hesitantly offered his hand—the whole thing was just beyond awkward—and told the man to stand in a very soft, shaking voice.
"My name is Arnold DeBouis," he said, flashing a trademarked pearly white smile at him. Link could almost see his reflection in his teeth.
"Zelda, Princess of Hyrule," Link responded after clearing his throat gently. He wasn't about to make Zelda look like a fool.
"I have come to congratulate you on your engagement," Arnold DeBiceps continued, speaking as if he was the star of a theater play. "What is your fiancé's position? Surely he must be a man of high status."
Seriously, what was with rich people and statuses? Was money really all that they thought about?
Well…yes, actually.
"My future husband is a great swordsman of Hyrule," Link responded, trying not to blush. He hated using his falsetto, the voice he used to sound like Zelda. That was the worst part. "He is a kind, gentle, strong, and caring man."
Okay, maybe he used a few too many adjectives when describing himself, but hey, Link had to sell himself somewhat. Not for his sake, he could give a cuckoo's ass if anyone talked badly about him, but for Zelda. She really deserved better.
She really deserved better than Link.
"A mere swordsman? My dear," Arnold DeCash laughed, placing a hand dramatically over his heart as if he'd been shot or something. "You turned down my proposal to marry a commoner?"
Wait, hold on a second. Pretty boy here proposed to Zelda?
Now things were getting personal.
"I do not look at people through fogged glasses," Link responded curtly.
Arnold DePompous seemed confused, raising his eyebrow up at Link.
"That is a metaphor," Link continued, making sure he sounded like Zelda and not like himself, the little forest boy. "I do not judge someone by their class status. Instead, I prefer to define a person by their heart."
Arnold DeBighead coughed, almost choking on the words and shaking his head in disbelief. "My princess, he is a mere…commoner."
Again with the commoner nonsense. What would the rich be without the commoners? They would be useless. Most of these aristocratic pansies wouldn't last a day out on the fields. He would love to see Mr. DeMoneygrubber get on his hands and knees and actually work the fields. Oooh, even better yet, he'd love to see his pretty little hands get cut when sharpening a sword. That would be hilarious.
"And you, milord, are a mere buffoon," Link responded. "I pity the poor woman who will have you as a husband. More than that, I pity the poor people who you are lord to. If one does not see past the class lines, they cannot properly govern as a kind and benevolent leader."
Link didn't even know what just came out of his mouth. Did he just say that? Did he really just insult a lord from a neighboring country?
DeMonkey said nothing, opening his mouth to reply but instead giving a disinterested wave and walking away, trying to salvage the remainder of his pride. When he left, the entire room began clapping.
Somehow, when Link wasn't paying attention, half of Hyrule piled into the throne room and watched the altercation between Link and Rich Boy. Link blushed furiously. He was in deep trouble. Zelda would slit his throat.
"Milady, if I may have a word…"
Link knew that voice.
He was officially doomed.
"How was your day?" Zelda asked, taking the pins out of Link's wigs and helping him wash off his makeup. Her fiancé was silent, saying virtually nothing and scrubbing furiously at the clown pink blush that wouldn't come off. She laughed lightly to herself, untying the back of his corset and allowing him to finally breathe properly again.
"How long have you been here?" He finally asked, coughing a bit as he remembered how to speak in his normal voice.
"I never left," she said quietly. "I could care less about seeing a tween idol. I gave the tickets to my girlfriends. He had nothing on you."
Zelda could hear Link sigh in relief. He practically collapsed into her arms, pulling her into a deep hug. She kissed his head gently, stroking his bangs lovingly. She could tell he was worried. He was almost shaking. She felt a little guilty for making the poor man endure that torture.
Yet, at the same time…
"So?" She finally asked. "How's it like to be a princess?"
"You win the bet," he said, his voice muffled into her shirt. "It's awful. I can't do it."
Zelda smiled, bringing his head up so his crystal, pearl-blue eyes would meet hers. She nuzzled him fondly as she always did.
"You won the bet too," she finally said.
Link's head cocked slightly, a small quirk he did whenever he was confused.
"I bet you couldn't handle it. I was wrong, I admit it."
"Huh?" Link asked. "I totally blew it."
She laughed, shaking her head lightly. Her fiancé couldn't be more wrong. She thought that nice people didn't make it in politics, but there was something about Link's speech earlier that afternoon…it was short, but it was genuine. She could feel the genuine care radiate through his words and touch the people. That was something she could only dream to do.
"The opposite," she said. "You touched the people's hearts. That is something even the most talented people have trouble doing."
"You said nice people don't do well at politics," Link bit his bottom lip defiantly, determined to prove to Zelda that he was a goddesses-awful politician and to never make him speak in front of a crowd again.
"Maybe I was wrong," She conceded, pulling him into a passionate kiss.
"So you're not angry with me?" He asked in an innocent voice as if he was a small child begging his mommy for forgiveness after being naughty.
"Not at all," she laughed. "As a matter of fact, I have you scheduled to make a public speech next week."
"What!?" Link cried, eyes wide open. "No! I can't! I'm a swordsman, not a politician! That's your job!"
Zelda grinned, a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
"Wanna bet?"
A/N
Yeah, this is what happens when I write too many serious things. :P I debated with this being mostly crack and ultimately chose this route. I dunno, this mostly wrote itself. xD
This is my 20th story here on FFN. Thank you all so much for your support! I've been quiet on here recently, sorry about that. I blame school.
Please leave a review! It would greatly make my day. :) I hope you all enjoyed the story and I'll see you later!