A/N: A character study about myself. I've actually thought a lot about my Shadow self before, but seeing Urter's story made me want to put it down on paper.
Yes, I know I have other stories to update, and yes, I will get on them. It's exam week for me, so I've got some studying to do. This was just a quick piece I did in class.
And yes, this is really how I see myself.
The Reversed Empress (III)
Overprotective; possessive; jealous; uncaring; unhappy; poor self-image;
insecure.
I'd rather be called the hero.
She wears an outfit straight from a fairy tale (reality isn't enough; playing pretend is more fun)—a dark blue shirt with gold tassels, tucked into snow white pants, a sheath hanging at her side, a sliver of a blade peeks out. Untidy, brown locks frame her face (they're barely past chin-length); her eyes gleam gold, probably brilliant any other time, now faded under the dull lighting of this fallen castle. She sits alone on her throne, the prince(ss) of a faraway kingdom no one's ever heard of (or bothered to visit).
She makes a big show of getting up (because it's too much effort) when her audience barges through the double doors, a boy with silver hair leads the pack. A girl with similar features acts as a buffer, standing in between them. She's dressed down in a baggy red hoodie, and jeans (anything to smother her girlish figure), worn haphazardly over her uniform like she gave up in the middle. Confusion paints a pretty picture over her tanned face. "Won't someone take me away from this shithole? No? Huh, guess I'll just have my friends entertain me... Oh, wait, what friends?"
Hoodie dares to speak, but doesn't recognize the pitch of her own voice (it's always much deeper). "Wh-Who are you...?" The question brings a scowl to the other's face.
"I'm you, dumbass, or are you that fucking dense?!" The Shadow paces around the room, hand carefully placed on her sword. "I was supposed to be the hero, you know, Prince Charming. Get the girl, and all that shit."
"What...?"
"C'mon, it's only been a year. Don't tell me you don't remember Alyssa." She flinches at the name (she wanted to forget); beside her, a boy with orange headphones sends her a look (mixed with empathy, and illusions she can't swallow). He has no idea where she's been, but he can always guess. "Maybe if I save her she'll fall in love with me! But it didn't matter, in the end, she left you for the next bitch that came along. Funny how that always happens. You're the common denominator in this. You're the thing that people need, but never want! You act so goddamn cheerful, it makes me sick! Oh, I'll help, let me take care of you, anything to forget how lonely I really am. Ha, what a bunch of crap! And then you throw them away when you get bored of 'em. What afraid they'll see how much of a loser you really are?"
She was always there, sitting at the corner of everything, watching people past with smiles on their face (while she sat alone). She never had a best friend to call her own; no one to spill her feelings to.
Until Alyssa. She was the only one...
She's no longer mine.
She swallows hard, too hard, and takes steps forward. The floor is sinking under her feet. "I... I am not a loser!"
The doppelganger brushes it off with a practiced sneer, "You surround yourself with people that don't even want you around! I mean, what good are you? You're just someone to vent to until they find something better, that annoying little slut in the front of the class, who gets good grades, and thinks she's soooo much better than everyone else."
"That's not true!" She forgets herself (who she is, where she is, the students standing behind her), and her voice raises to a feminine shrill. She remembers summers spent talking about nothing to someone who knew everything about her. A tall blonde with grey eyes, and a thick accent she used to tease. Who went to an all-girl school, but swore she wasn't gay (but like a fool, she believed she could change her mind. She had to take the chance).
She was worth it at the time.
"Aww, what's wrong? Feeling flustered? Wanna go sit in the corner, and cry? Why doesn't anyone like me? Maybe if you stopped dressing like a guy, and actually gave two fucks about someone other than yourself they'd stay!"
Tears make it hard to see (the memories that play in the back of her mind); she absently lets them fall until they drip down onto her uniform (white collared shirt, and black pants—the conventional Yasoboy's uniform). "No... S-Stop it!"
"You don't even love yourself! How could you possibly love anyone else?! At least, that's what Aly-senpai told you, right? She told me a lot of things. Like how my gender didn't matter when she rejected me... And like the dumb little bitch I am, I believed her! We both know, if I were a boy, I would be worthy! People would love me! I'd never be lonely again! But as long as I'm in this skin, I'm nothing."
Girls came, and left (wanting the next best thing, next best someone). She had plenty of friends that were boys, but they eventually left too; they'd rather hang out with a boy that shared their interests (even if she fit too). She was a strange in-between. Changing her body at will (confusing people at school, but still, her body stays the same). Make-up, and fashion never had any appeal.
"But don't worry, you're not completely alone. I'm here for you. After all, we're all each other have. Isn't that right, me?"
Everything she tries to hide; everything she's been running from comes flooding back. Unrequited love, and friendships lost from saying the wrong thing (being the wrong thing). Everything her Shadow said was true (but still, she tries to deny it).
"No! Don't say it!" Someone with wide brown eyes, and a green track suit yells, but it's too late.
Those fated words spill from her lips.
"Y-You're not me..."
"Yes! Hahaha, it's great! Say it again!"
Her voice has gone higher than it's ever been, "You're not me! You're... Y-You're nothing like me!"
And then there's black. Her body feels heavy (she falls into someone's arms before hitting the sunken floor, so cold, and empty).
As the edges blur, she tells herself she won't wake up.
Alyssa was my Saki. She was the only one who saw the real me (the first one who told me I reminded her of Yosuke. Back then, I didn't see it); she was the one who made me who I am today. But then she changed, and I was left behind.
I miss our conversations.
(I don't ever regret falling in love with her.)
I told myself I'd save her, but she ended up saving me.
Some hero I turned out to be.