Jim Kirk had a mission. Jim Kirk had a very important mission. Jim Kirk had a mission so very important, he swore to those around him, that earth, no, the entire galaxy, would implode if said mission was not completed. As it was, he reasoned, his mission was not so incredibly important that it required the presence of his first officer. With that short and rather cryptic piece of information, he sent Spock off on an early lunchbreak – or something to that effect. One raised eyebrow and a muttered 'at your request, captain' later, and Jim was alone with a somewhat apprehensive bridge crew. As Jim settled into his comfy chair he felt the anxiety in the atmosphere rise palpably. Hearing a commotion, he smirked. And three, two, one.

The doors burst open, well, as much as sliding doors are in fact capable of bursting open, as McCoy rushed in, hypospray at the ready.

"What happened?" he yelled, "where's Jim? I swear to God if he's…" he came to an abrupt halt at the sight of Jim spinning childishly in his chair. Unhurt and unharmed. Annoyance, his emotional-best friend, flickered across his face before being rapidly replaced by his second-best friend, rage.

"What the hell Jim?" he raged as ensigns and lieutenants hurried to get out of his path. A happy McCoy was a scary McCoy, and a raging one was downright terrifying. No one aboard the Enterprise (or any other ship for that matter) had access to such a varied range of torture weapons as the perpetually irritated doctor.

"Calm down, bones" Jim grinned "I needed you here for a special, very important, mission."

"Dammit Jim you called me citing a medical emergency on the bridge. The communication systems are not here to pander to your every god-damn childish, juvenile, delinquent – what mission?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uh uh," Jim waved a finger, "we can't begin until the final participant arrives."

"Participant?" McCoy spluttered, "What kind of god-damned childish…game are you playing?"

"Oh sit down," Jim motioned with his hand, "and that's an order."

McCoy grumbled but did as ordered, choosing to shun the seat offered to him in favour of one much further away from the current bane of his existence.

"Scotty!" Jim cried happily as the chief engineer walked through the door, "you're here!"

"Aye laddie," Scotty replied, scratching his head in confusion, "although ah must confess to some confusion as to why?"

"You're all here," Jim began, trying his utmost to sound secretive and mysterious, "to help with a very important mission."

"Enough with the 'very important mission' crap, goddammit Jim!" McCoy snarled, "Get to the goddamn point."

Jim sighed, "Always determined to spoil my fun, huh, bones?"

At McCoy's death glare of doom, Jim hurried to elaborate upon his mission.

"Okay, okay. The mission at hand is very important," he said quickly, unable to help himself, "and will require some kind of participation from all of you." He scanned their faces, "it will be near impossible to achieve but I know we can do it." With the exception of McCoy who just knew this spelt trouble, the crew were intrigued.

"The mission," Jim announced, "is to one-up Spock in a conversation, debate, err, thing." The crew were stunned. McCoy buried his face in his hands, "I just knew it Goddammit, I just knew it."

"Oh come on guys," Jim pleaded, "no one ever beats him, not even Bones! I see that smug look in his smug Vulcan eyes every time he says 'your logic is, predictably, non-existent'," he mocked, "you're not seriously telling me none of you want to wipe that smug smile of his smu-"

"Kirk," Nyota sighed, "Spock is a Vulcan, he-"

"Yeah, yeah I know," Jim waved it aside, "he doesn't get smug. Look are you lot in or not?" he looked pointedly at McCoy.

"Oh Hell no," McCoy shook his head, "uh uh, no goddamn way."

Jim put on his best puppy-dog face and pouted, "please?"

"No. This is not my God-damn problem, Goddammit!"

"But don't you want to-"

"No."

"wipe that-"

"No."

"smug smile-"

"No means no." McCoy stood, shook his head emphatically and stormed out of the bridge.

"Hmph," Jim pouted," who needs him anyway." He brightened, "Scotty?"

But the engineer was shaking his head.

"I cannae do that laddie, again, as before, I'd rather not take sides."

"Whatever," Jim scowled, "Uhura?"

She raised an eyebrow. A gesture learnt from Spock no doubt.

"Oookay, no then. Sulu?"

"Sorry, Captain. I value my life."

"As do I." Chekov piped up before Jim could turn what he knew would be an irresistible pout upon him. Hero worship could only go so far.

"Oh come on guys!" When no reply was forthcoming he stood somewhat angrily and announced that he would, himself, beat Spock in a conversation, debate, err, thing. He told himself the laughter ringing in his ears would soon be silenced forever when he managed to do so. That's right, he thought smugly, Watch out Spock, 'cause Captain Kirk's going where no man has gone before.

A/N: That actually wasn't meant to sound like it does. Truly.

Well, err, let me know if I should continue I guess…