A/N: This is my first fic for The 100 and I do hope you'll like it. I just couldn't shake the idea of Princess Mechanic. For me Raven and Clarke have such a strong bond and I can't help but picture them as more than friends, but only sometimes if that makes sense. Feedback is always greatly appreciated, especially as a writer who is new to the fandom. If you have a moment I would really appreciate a review/comment or even a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow). Thank you for reading.
Raven can't sleep, not since they returned to camp. All she can hear when she closes her eyes is that drill. She can somehow hear her own screams and they keep her up at night. There are so many people who want to talk to her but no one she wants to talk to about it; except Clarke. Clarke who has saved her and everyone else again. Clarke who is so haunted by her own demons that she couldn't even return to camp. The only person who Raven wants to talk to isn't there. Sometimes that hurts more than the ache in her side. The pain in her heart is somehow harder to handle than the physical wounds.
She walks the floors of what is left of the Ark every night. Night after night limping around. Sometimes Wick follows her but usually he's fast asleep. He deals with his nightmares by drinking whatever it is Monty has concocted and passes out. One time Abby found her but Raven can't look at Abby anymore. Looking into Abby's eyes she just sees Clarke's and it haunts her. Abby talks to her in that tone that only a mother uses on her youngster, not that Raven has experience with that. Raven doesn't talk though, she barely listens. She doesn't even move to reciprocate when Abby embraces her and after that night she paces alone.
She can't sleep without seeing the faces of the Mountain Men. If she can erase that from her mind for any amount of time all she sees then is blonde hair. Raven thinks of nothing but the Mountain and Clarke. The Mountain took Clarke away from her and maybe that's even more unforgivable than the hole they drilled in her thigh.
It's dark one night, so dark that Raven can't see even a foot in front of her face. She sits bolt upright in the spot she used to sleep in. She's sitting when she should be sleeping but she hasn't slept since the mountain and that's not going to change tonight. She checks to make sure Wick is sound asleep before extracting herself from his grip. He always sleeps with an arm around her. To hold her, to protect her, to keep her from falling, all three, she's never sure but she doesn't mind. It's the only comfort she has these days. At least if she can't sleep someone is holding her close and maybe dreaming of her in his own sleep.
Don't follow me. She thinks it or maybe even says it out loud. She's so delirious she's not even sure. He would, she knows it. When he realizes she's gone he'll want to go after her, just like she wants to go after Clarke. She knows that's where she's headed, even if she's not quite sure why. The mountain men were killed and nothing has been the same since, and Raven is not okay without the one who made sure they were okay. Raven can't be okay without the girl who has been making sure she is okay ever since she crash landed on earth.
It's still hard to walk sometimes, even with the brace. She's loud when all she needs right now is to be as quiet as possible. She knows Wick won't wake up, not after drinking as much as he did. It takes a surprising amount of alcohol for Wick to forget everything he wants to. The explosions, the screaming, the death; it's really the death that he can't forget on his own. He needs to forget the face of a dead child and Raven doesn't blame him. She wishes Monty's moonshine did anything to help her numb the sound of that damn drill. The flashbacks hurt more than the lingering wound. If she sees it one more time she thinks she might vomit...again.
Abby might wake up though, she doesn't sleep either. She doesn't follow Raven anymore but she doesn't sleep. Raven hears her crying most nights. She hasn't stopped since Clarke left. Abby's life for too long has been about missing Clarke, even when she's around she misses her. Abby still hasn't stopped missing the Clarke that no longer exists. The Clarke that looked up at her with the childlike smile, instead of with so much pain in her eyes Abby can't help but look away. Clarke is too broken for Abby to put her back together and Raven knows that's why she's crying. Abby is a healer who can't heal the one person in the world she wants to heal. She knows what it's like to not know how to put someone back together once they break. She can't think of him now though.
She breathes a sigh of relief when she passes by the room where Abby no longer sleeps and she doesn't stir. Maybe Kane finally calmed her enough to get a moment's peace. Maybe she just doesn't have the energy to move. No one really does. Camp Jaha is a ghost town these days. She's sure not everyone is lost without Clarke but enough people are. Without the constant threat of attack from the Mountain Men or the Grounders they have the somehow unpleasant luxury of being able to do nothing, at least for now. The rest of them just don't know how to process everything they've been through in their short time on earth. Life on the Ark was a challenge but she's sure no one ever imagined this. Death and all his friends haunt them all and if not for any other reason Raven has to leave to get away from the melancholy.
It's colder outside than Raven expects. She still has her jacket but even with that she feels a chill. She's not sure what time it is, not that she ever is. On earth they have lost their sense of time. All they know is night and day by the presence or absence of light. Raven hopes it is not early enough for people to wake up anytime soon and the darkness tells her she should be okay. She limps away from the Ark, toward the forest that just weeks prior she would have been warned to stay away from. She is getting better at walking with her brace but the Mountain Men set her back, injuring her good leg. Yet another reason to be grateful that they're dead. She knows why Clarke is haunted but she's grateful nonetheless.
It's been a few days but she hopes against hope that Clarke hasn't gotten too far. She may be all alone but Clarke is smart enough to survive out here. If she wanted to she could be miles away and Raven isn't sure she can make it that far. She wants to find Clarke, to bring her back as close to home as they've got down here but she's not sure she can make it all that way. She can make a bomb, fix anything, make something from nothing and Raven considers herself a survivor but this is unfamiliar territory. At least she doesn't fear a knife in her head.
She's not Clarke, or Octavia. She doesn't know which plants are safe to eat, if the water is safe to drink, she thinks she can probably figure it out but it's not really something she wants to guess at. She's smart but it's times like these Raven wishes wrenches were edible.
She walks through the night, despite being unable to see. She can hear leaves and branches cracking under her weight. The woods are not quiet, they acknowledge her presence. No Grounders in the trees but her next thought is of animals. They never had to deal with animals on the Ark. Maybe she should have brought her hammer. At least then she'd have something to hit them with if they approached her. Maybe they're all dead she thinks, radiation killed the people, hopefully it got the animals too. At least any that are willing to devour a human for their own survival.
She walks on until morning, willing herself to keep going even when her legs are begging her to stop. She's felt worse. She remembers the drill again and cringes. They would have taken everything from you, your life if you let them, don't let them take Clarke too. Raven's thoughts are the only thing keeping her going. As long as she keeps thinking about Clarke, thinking about anything really, she can keep going. It's been hours, or maybe it hasn't. Raven doesn't know, the lack of time again catching up with her. The sun is just rising in the sky. She's almost surprised no one seems to have come after her. Maybe they're just really far behind. She doesn't think she walked that far but she can't see camp anymore, she can't see anything, not while the sun blinds her.
She keeps walking, it's the only thing she can do. She can't go back to camp, not without Clarke. She has nothing to offer there, not when she's in this state. Not when everyone is in the same state.
Raven swears out loud when she trips and finds herself face down in a very unpleasant pile of branches. She's felt worse and she knows it, but that still doesn't make the branch that just grazed her eyebrow sting any less. She reaches up and wipes the hint of blood trickling down the side of her face. She's been walking too long. As much as she doesn't want to she needs to rest. She takes refuge on a nearby rock and sits, head in her hands, classic defeatist pose.
"Raven."
She hears Clarke's voice behind her and she knows she must be hallucinating. She's stunned but not as stunned as the look on Clarke's face as she turns around.
"Clarke," she half shouts it and tries to run a little too fast toward her friend.
"What are you doing here?" Clarke asks but she knows she doesn't have to. Of course Raven is here for her.
"I can't sleep." It's all Raven can think to say.
"Join the club."
Of course Clarke can't sleep. Her dreams are probably worse than Raven's. Raven saw the dead bodies of the Mountain Men, Clarke knew the life had left their eyes because of her.
"You only got this far?" Raven asks, almost in awe that Clarke wasn't days away from the camp she just had to leave.
"I like it here, I can draw in the dirt and honestly, I don't even know where I'm going."
There wasn't exactly a map of earth that Clake could just follow and be anywhere else. She knows how to get to the dropship, Camp Jaha, the Mountain and Tondc. She doesn't want to be any of those places so she's here.
"So you've just been hanging out in the woods alone?"
Clarke nods, "I couldn't be there anymore. I can't face what I've done. I can't look at them and know that they're alive because I took so many other lives."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me Clarke. You did the only thing you could do, they forced your hand."
Raven can tell by the look on Clarke's face that she doesn't quite believe her. Clarke is the kind of person who believes you always have a choice in life and she isn't sure she likes hers.
Clarke walks toward Raven and she hugs her. Of course she does. She needs this hug as much as Raven does, if not more. If the warmth isn't enough there's a sense of comfort, of home, as much as anything can feel like home down here.
"You saved my life," Raven speaks up as Clarke breaks their embrace. "If nothing else is enough to make yourself feel better know that I'm alive because of you."
Clarke knows she saved Raven's life. She knows she saved the lives of all of her people. She doesn't regret that, she never will. She still wishes though that there were another way. It's ridiculous but Clarke longs for the days on the Ark when things were simple, or at least to a child they seemed that way. Clarke never had to take a life herself on the Ark, she never would have even considered it. Now though she's taken so many. She sees their faces when she closes her eyes. If only Raven's life were enough to make them stop haunting her.
She doesn't want to talk about what happened anymore. She can't. She's not ready to talk about it. She doesn't want to hurt Raven so she just changes the subject.
"Come with me to Polis Raven."
Raven snorts, "I think Lexa's invitation was just for you, not Clarke plus one."
"Do you think I care what Lexa wants?"
"I think you do care and you hate that you do. You want so badly to hate her after what she did, but you don't. You want her and that kills you. I think deep down though you think that if you were in her position that maybe you would do the same thing. That scares you Clarke, and so does how much you want her."
"I thought you were a mechanic Raven, not a therapist."
Raven can see the smile playing at the edge of Clarke's lips. She can tell that she wants to laugh but she's holding back. Raven isn't sure if Clarke wears her emotions on her sleeve or if she is just too good at reading her.
"Well it doesn't look like you need a mechanic right now so I'm using my other skills."
It's sudden and afterwards Raven isn't even sure if it really happened but for an instant she feels Clarke's lips on hers. She can taste her breath even after she pulls away. Clarke's lips are cracked and dry but still Raven can't help but wish she could feel them again. In seconds Clarke is walking again, as if the feeling was fleeting and she has somewhere more important to be.
"Clarke," Raven shouts.
She stumbles along after Clarke as fast as her one good leg will carry her.
"Clarke, wait up. Are we going to talk about that?"
Raven is sure for a moment that Clarke is never going to stop. She'll walk all the way to Polis and never look back but then she does. She stops and Raven exhales.
Clarke is sitting on a rock when Raven finally catches up to her. She stares intently into Clarke's gorgeous blue eyes, they're like a river that she could fall into and yet never be lost. Raven knows better than to say anything. Clarke will talk, she always has something to say.
"I didn't know I was going to do that until I did."
Raven wasn't sure how that made her feel. Like maybe Clarke was just kissing her because she was there or because she wanted them to stop talking. Maybe she was kissing Raven because Raven wasn't Lexa. Raven didn't want to be not Lexa to Clarke. She wasn't sure what she wanted to be to Clarke but more than not the person she wants so bad it hurts.
"At least tell me it was good," humour was Raven's go to when she had nothing else.
She sat down gently on the rock beside Clarke. It took a second but Raven smiled when Clarke laid her head down on her shoulder. They sat in silence for a while. Raven still waiting for an answer and Clarke still unwilling to give one. Raven could you wait for longer though, at least like this.
"It was," Clarke spoke up after a long time.
Raven had almost forgotten her earlier remark. She chuckled slightly and wrapped an arm around Clarke. Raven wasn't sure what they were doing but she knew that whatever it was they both needed it, at least right now. She moved her hand up and brushed her fingers over Clarke's tangled blonde locks. Raven leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of the other girl's head.
"I need you, you know that right."
"I do," Raven responded, "I need you too."
"Do you ever think about what it would have been like if we knew each other on the Ark?" Clarke asked.
Raven rarely thought about the Ark anymore. Too many memories. Finn was the only person who ever cared about her on the Ark. Finn and maybe Abby. She couldn't bear to think about Finn so she never thought about the Ark.
"You wouldn't have liked me," Raven laughed, "I was always up to something I probably shouldn't have been. You would have had to turn me in and get me floated."
Raven knew as soon as she said it that she struck a nerve. Clarke pulled away almost instantly, removing Raven's arm from it's hold on her torso.
"I'm sorry Clarke. I didn't mean it like that, I was just kidding. I'm an idiot."
"You're not. You're just honest. I never think about how different things are here than they were on the Ark. It has been all about life and death since we got here and I guess the Ark was always about life and death but it was never so immediate, not to me anyway."
Raven nodded. Their lives on the Ark were very different. Raven was an orphan, Clarke was the apple of her parents' eyes. Their paths never crossed, not in any meaningful way anyway. Raven and Clarke never would have been friends on the Ark and for that Raven is grateful they aren't on the Ark.
"I'm glad we're not on the Ark anymore. I don't know if I want to live in a world where I can't do this to Clarke Griffin."
Raven leaned in toward her again and gave Clarke a peck on the cheek.
"I love you Raven Reyes."
"I love you too Princess Clarke of the Sky People."
Both girls laughed and Clarke laid her head back down on Raven's shoulder. She could stay here for a little while longer. As long as they sat on this rock together everything was okay. Even when they were falling apart everything was okay if they were together.
Raven slept that night for the first time since they returned to camp from the mountain. Clarke's body was wrapped around hers, her hand tangled up in Raven's hair. The night was cold but Raven could barely feel the chill under the warmth of Clarke's body. There was no screaming tonight. No visions of blood. None of the faces of the Mountain Men clouded her brain. Raven was calm and she could tell by the lack of movement coming from her bunkmate that Clarke was as well.
When she awoke Clarke's limbs were fully entangled with her own. She's not sure how she didn't notice it happening but now she couldn't move. Clarke was sleeping so peacefully, Raven couldn't bear to wake her. She smiled slightly at the scene. Clarke was fast asleep, head on Raven's chest. It was the best pillow you could get in the woods. Raven considered kissing her to wake her up but thought better of it. If Clarke was anything like her she was sure that she hadn't slept in days. She needed this and Raven could use the comfort.
It was maybe an hour or two more before Clarke started to stir. Raven had drifted in and out of sleep as she waited but mostly she just watched Clarke. She watched her chest rise and fall. Clarke's breathing comforted her more than anything. She decided now that she would kiss her after all. She moved as much as she could without disturbing Clarke. If Clarke was awake Raven would be staring right into her baby blues. She took a deep breath and then went for it. The same decidedly not soft lips met her own. Clarke woke instantly, moving her arms awkwardly and pressing her palms to the sides of Raven's face. Clarke didn't seem to want to stop her and Raven wasn't about to stop on her own. She let her lips fall slowly out of contact with the other girl's. She adjusted her head so her forehead was pressed to Clarke's and smiled.
"What are we doing?" Clarke asked. "You're with Wick and I am…" she paused momentarily, "I am something with Lexa."
"I don't know Clarke, but right now I don't care. Can you just not care with me?"
Clarke didn't answer at first. Raven knew the gears were spinning in that pretty blonde head of hers. This was Clarke Griffin and she was asking her not to care, all Clarke did was care. That's why she was out here in the woods by herself in the first place. She cared too much about everything.
Minutes passed in silence but then Raven felt a whisper in her ear. "I can not care with you."
They laid there for a while longer. Raven wasn't tired for the first time in days but still she didn't want to move. Being pressed up against Clarke's body made her feel okay again, at least for the moment. Raven needed to feel okay again, and she knew that Clarke would give anything for the same thing.
When she could no longer lay on the hard ground she slowly got to her feet. When she looked back down she could see that Clarke was smiling. Raven was sure she hadn't seen Clarke really smile for a very long time, since before they incinerated the Grounders anyway. She liked Clarke's smile, it was a rainbow after a storm and Raven was sure it was her favourite thing in the world right now. She reached out an arm and helped Clarke up.
"So, where are we headed?" Raven asked, she hoped Clarke would say home but she knew that wasn't a word that could escape her lips right now.
"Anywhere but back to camp. I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I'm ready for what's ahead of me Raven, but I know I'm not ready for that."
Raven expected it but she was still a little disheartened.
"Can you not go back with me?" Clarke asked, her voice as sure and steady as she could muster.
"I can do that," Raven smiled. There was nothing back at camp for her, not right now.
Clarke took Raven's hand in her own and took the first step. She really wasn't sure just where they were going yet. Maybe Polis, maybe somewhere else. At least now she wasn't alone. Raven made her feel like she could do anything if she was on her side. Clarke needed Raven as much as Raven needed her. She had left to be on her own but she knew she was better off with her. She still didn't know what they were doing but for at least for now she could be okay with not caring with Raven. For now they both needed to not care because caring hurt way more than either of them cared to admit.