A/N: Inspired by the song 'The First Five Times' by Stars.
The First Five Times
1. The first time, it was an accident.
Sirius was drunk. That was mostly what led them to this, but Remus knew it wasn't Sirius' fault entirely, as much as he wished it were. He wasn't resisting, putting up a fight, saying 'no' or any of the things they tell you to do when someone is sexually violating you. That was the problem- he wasn't being violated. He had willingly- if not a bit reluctantly, let Sirius into his bed, away from the roaring party in the common room, and had willingly- if not a bit reluctantly, kissed him back, knowing full well that it was a terrible idea, as were most ideas involving Sirius Black.
He hated himself for it, for loving the softness of Sirius' lips as they suckled lower and lower on his neck, fingers quickly unfastening Remus' pants. The enchanted red and gold face paint across Sirius' flushed cheeks smeared onto Remus skin, marking him in sparkling patches all the way down his stomach. When Sirius' head stopped between Remus' thighs, a moan escaped his parted lips and he decided that though it was still a terrible idea, he could let himself go.
Oh well, he thought, back arching as he gripped the sheets tighter.
What's one time?
2. The second time, Sirius had a girlfriend.
Remus should've felt used. He should've felt terrible, worthless, angry and upset that Sirius was here, naked, in his bed, when he had a very clear and established girlfriend.
But he didn't.
If he said he didn't mind the girl, he would be lying. He minded her very, very much. It was only out of respect for Sirius and the knowledge that he had no right to dictate who dated whom that prevented him from saying anything about her.
Until now.
You have a girlfriend, he whispered.
And? came Sirius' reply.
Remus should've felt awful, but he didn't.
3. The third time, James was awake.
It was only after they were done that Remus realized they forgot the silencing charm and James wasn't snoring. He turned his head wildly and looked at Sirius who's face was already stricken with the same realization. Remus couldn't breathe. Maybe James was just sleeping more soundly than usual, and maybe they hadn't actually been that loud, Peter was still breathing heavily in his bed... but Remus knew his praying was in vain; the awkward silence that had settled in the room was all too telling of the current situation.
Can I sleep now? came a gruff voice from James' bed.
Remus looked at Sirius, frantically pleading with his eyes for him to do something.
...Prongs, mate? said Sirius tentatively.
I'm glad you've finally managed to clear up your annoying sexual tension, said James, but if I ever have to listen to that again, I'll vomit in your shoes.
Remus thought he was surely going to die on the spot.
4. The fourth time, Remus made Sirius promise it would be the last.
He couldn't deal with Sirius' hot and cold attitude. Remus wasn't high maintenance; he didn't require lots of attention or gifts or whatever else. All he wanted from Sirius was commitment, and Sirius couldn't give him that.
Though he had sworn Sirius off, he somehow managed to once again find himself in bed with him, James safely out with Lily Evans and Peter still at home for the weekend visiting his sick mother. He had initially resisted Sirius' advances but eventually gave in to his quick hands, sultry eyes, and warm mouth and made Sirius swear it would never happen again after this.
Sure thing, Moony, said Sirius, spreading his legs.
Remus allowed himself one last indulgence.
5. The fifth time, Sirius finally said it.
Everything had changed; they were no longer in school, James and Lily were married and had a son, and the death toll from the war was rising with every passing day. Remus couldn't stand to be alone anymore, not with the horrors that were lurking outside and the dreams that haunted him in his sleep, so he sent an owl.
Sirius came when he was called, like always. Remus appreciated his willingness to keep him company for an evening of firewhiskey and a few rounds of exploding snap. He just needed a sense of normalcy in midst of this overwhelming terror and grief and sensed that Sirius felt the same.
Once it got late, they ended up sitting on the couch in front of the fire, sipping butterbeer in a comfortable silence. Sirius sighed contentedly and curled up on the cushion in a rather dog-like fashion, laying his head in Remus' lap. Partially because he was use to scratching Padfoot and partially because he couldn't stop himself, Remus began absentmindedly running his fingers through Sirius' silky, dark hair. Sirius tipped his head back into his touch, eyes closed dreamily.
Kiss me, Sirius said softly, breaking the silence. He looked up at Remus, his eyes glowing mischievously in the firelight. Remus' hand paused in Sirius' hair.
Why? he asked, unsure.
Because I love you, you idiot, said Sirius.
That was the first time Remus had smiled in days.