He had always hid his emotions. So much he didn't even feel them anymore. Sociopath, he made himself one. Emotions hurt, out of love comes pain. Out of hope comes disappointment. But dammit sometimes he slipped. Sometimes words hurt. But only when john says them. None else can hurt him.
Perhaps he should have seen it coming.
Sherlock was lounging on the sofa considering getting johns gun from where he tried to hide it. Really his underwear would not deter Sherlock from reaching in his draw and getting it. He checked the clock again and realised it would only be a while before John got home. He glanced towards the mess his experiment had made in the kitchen. A questionable grey substance was dripping from all the corners of the room. Sherlock was sure John would get angry but he couldn't bring himself to get up and clean it. He thought it was astoundingly boring.
Sherlock wasn't sure what people thought being bored was but he knew it was nothing like the boredom he himself felt. It was burnt at him straight to his soul, he could feel it running through his bones and it hurt. His brain just wouldn't stop speaking, though there was nothing in this room he hadn't deducted his brain still automatically did it. Over and Over and Over until it made him snap. He would go through his mind palace and his thoughts would skip from A to N without him knowing how he got there. It would go on till he couldn't even recognise his own thoughts and he only had four ways to stop it.
Cocaine, not the healthiest but it got the job done.
Suicide, Sherlock had tried this two times both times he obviously failed. He couldn't do that while John was still around because he knew he would be disappointed. Not that Sherlock should care.
John, sometimes John could help, he would sit down and do something he didn't expect him to and he would catalogue it in his mind palace and get lost in John. John Watson should not be interesting to Sherlock Holmes but for some reason he was. For some reason he could spend hours cataloguing how many different colours there were in John's hair.
Get lost completely in his mind palace; this had only occurred once in his life. Sherlock would completely shut down and he would get locked inside his mind. Mycroft had found him half starving to death and catatonic on his bed. He came out of it three weeks later by which he had to be fed through a tube.
Sherlock really hoped John came home soon because he might just resort to the first option. He knew John hadn't found his stash underneath a loose floorboard. Sherlock was absently scratching at his arm now and his mind was running too fast for even him to comprehend.
There is faint smell of John in the air - Deodorant, Soap, Hospital, sweat, fresh laundry, and aftershave. Johns after shave, 1-3% aromatic compounds, Undertones of sandalwood for masculinity. Contains synthetic chemical calone and alcohol. Chemical composition for alcohol is CnH2n+1OH. Most common type of alcohol is ethanol found in alcoholic beverages, chemical composition is C2H5OH. John bought a new type of wine two days ago a buy one get on free offer because he is worried about the rent. Came home early the other day from a date and had three beers more than his typical two. Concentration of alcohol on his breath shows he had at least a glass of wine at the restaurant he took Sarah to. It was more expensive than he could afford because his relationship whit Sarah is not going well. John has been staying longer at work and comes home with more ink stains on his hand and bloodshot eyes. Sarah has not been feeling sympathetic and had been giving him extra paperwork. The chemical composition of paper will depends on the type or grade of paper. Typically most grades of paper consist of organic and inorganic material. Organic portion consisting of cellulose, hemi-cellulose, lignin and or various compound of lignin (Na-lignate etc.) may be 70 to 100%. Inorganic portion consisting of mainly filling and loading material such as calcium carbonate, clay, titanium oxide etc. may be 0 - 30% of paper. Most typically... SHUT UP.
Sherlock realised he had scratched two hard on his arm and three angry lines were slowly producing droplets of blood, before his brain could launch into a whole speech about the bloods properties and the experiments he had performed he heard Johns feet coming up the stairs. He had heavier footsteps than usual and he was taking 8.4 seconds longer than usual to walk up the stairs. There was a two second pause before he knocked on the door. He had a long stressful day and was carrying 3 bags of food from Tesco's.
John stepped in soaked to the bone with rain and was indeed carrying 3 Tesco's plastic bags. He turned to put the food away and noticed the grey matter covering almost every surface of the kitchen. John took a deep breath and tried to calm himself knowing he was a second away from exploding and punching the nearest living thing or inanimate object.
He turned and saw Sherlock wrapped up in his robe looking at John with interest. John took a very deep breath and forced himself to calm down.
"Sherlock, what the hell.. Happened in our kitchen" John was visibly shaking and trying not to lash out at Sherlock"
"Experiment, I was bored, there are no cases and I. AM. BORED" He didn't mean to be so irritable but his John had more than a hundred deductions to be made about him and Sherlock brain would not shut up. John's eyes widened and he pressed his lips into a thin line. His vision was going blurry from anger.
"Experiment, Sherlock, you can't just do that. Pay attention to other people feelings for once. Just act human, god Sherlock if you want a case you can take one that is on my website but no, they are all too boring and mundane for the great Sherlock Holmes"
Sherlock knew that John would calm down in a minute when he realised how silly he was being. He knew that he made a mess but he also knew that he could probably convince John to clean it anyway. So Sherlock just rolled his eyes and dismissed John with the wave of his hand.
"it's all fine John. Don't take your irritation out on me. Sarah's giving you extra paper work and you extremely tired from trying to catch up, she is still angry with you for leaving her on the last date. She still hasn't slept with you and you are getting increasingly frustrated. You are trying to impress her by using your more expensive after shave which was on sale for half price. Get along with your normal mundane human problems, oh and get me a cup of tea, I'm parched."
John was clenching and unclenching his fists and his breathing was getting increasingly heavy. He was livid at Sherlock and his face was turning an unflattering shade of red. He stepped closer to Sherlock who was now standing right in front of the sofa observing John with curiosity.
"My normal human problems Sherlock. I shouldn't have to deal with all of this. Sometimes I wish I had never moved in with you. You need to learn to keep your deductions to yourself and NO I will definitely not get you a cup of tea you dick. You need to learn to consider other people and not act like a complete twat all the time. What happens between Sarah and me is none of your business. This is my flat as well and I shouldn't have to come home and not even be able to put away the shopping that I bought for you. I may be a bit far from normal but at least I'm human, sometimes I wonder if you are even… God Sherlock for god's sake for one day just don't act like a freak" John was screaming in Sherlock's face and had poked Sherlock in the chest so hard that he had fell back onto the sofa.
Something in Sherlock broke when John called him a freak. He thought he would be someone who would never call him that. He could deal with Anderson and Donovan, they were nothing to him. They were not his only friend. One of the only people he genuinely cared about. Sherlock didn't even know he had a heart and now he was feeling it shatter. He felt so pathetic because even though John had hurt him more than anyone ever had he still wanted John to stay. But he didn't.
John didn't see the agony in Sherlock's face.
He didn't see Sherlock's whole body shrink away into the sofa.
He didn't see the tears in his eyes.
John was already out of the door and down the stair leaving Sherlock alone with his mind. And Sherlock's mind was slowly killing his body because his heart was already dead.
A/N Please make me happy and leave a review in the nice little box below, he's HUNGRY. :)