Disclaimer - I don't own the G-boys, and I never ever will, I don't own any of the characters in Gundam Wing at all… not even Zechs… even though I wish I did. I also don't get any money from this at all… So don't sue… cause I'm a poor college student. All I have is anime and a few meager posters. ^_^ This fic is 1x2, with an assumed 3x4. It contains some language, and NCS. Be warned! If you don't like that kind of idea then don't read okay?? This fic is YAOI. If ya still want to read go right ahead. And please leave feedback!!! We authors live for feedback!!
Duo was sick, it had been nearly two weeks ago that the other pilots and pulled him out of that Oz base where he was being held and slowly poisoned to death. He had been babbling incoherently and had quickly slipped into a delirious state, which slipped in and out of consciousness. Heero and Trowa had carried him inside slung between them both. While Wufei held the doors open Quatre ran to call a medic. They hadn't imagined it would be this bad.
The medic arrived and quickly went to work behind the closed doors of Duo's room. It was deathly silent in the hall outside the door. Quatre fretted pacing a bit even as Trowa reassured him that Duo would be fine. It would take more than that to kill the overly optimistic American baka. I hope… he added in his mind. Wufei stood across the hallway frowning, even if Duo was unbelievably annoying he didn't want the kid to die. Heero stood alone in a darkened corner. His face was devoid of any emotion and his arms were folded over his chest. He stared fixedly at the floor. Duo couldn't just die… could he?
~*~
Duo did not feel good. His head throbbed, his muscles ached, he felt sick to his stomach. When he opened his eyes to try and get a bearing on his situation it was so dark he couldn't see any better than if his eyes had been totally shut anyway. And opening his eyes made his head hurt worse. So he closed his eyes again. He listened. He could hear voices a little ways away but he couldn't make out their voices or what they were saying. Where am I? The last thing he could remember were the faces of the Oz troops as they overpowered him. Their gloved fists hitting him, their shining boots kicking him, their hands… he cut off that line of thought. He could cut off his thinking… But he couldn't stop him body from trembling. He curled up tightly trying to shut out the montage of images that threatened to drown him. He closed his eyes tightly as he shook.
"Duo?" Duo froze… that voice… his back was to it. He opened his eyes, blackness… he still could not see, but he didn't need sight to know who that voice belonged to. He felt himself shaking again as he spoke. His voice trembled like a leaf in the wind.
"Heero?" His own voice sounded thick and strange to his ears. "Heero…" he reached out towards the sound, he was seized by a sudden fear that had suddenly gripped him. He trembled violently.
~*~
He watched as Duo fumbled about blindly as he sat up reaching towards him. The fear in the young pilot's voice was almost as tangible as the tears on his face. Heero moved over towards him and sat just on the edge of the bed. He was caught off guard as Duo found him and grabbed him, clinging tightly as he trembled violently. Heero could feel Duo's heart racing and his face was pale as death and he was feverish to the touch. He hugged him gently to offer what comfort he could and Duo buried his face in Heero's shoulder crying silently. Heero frowned down at the long loose hair. He was a bit confused. Duo was acting like he couldn't see. Could the poison have blinded him? But that was impossible the blindness could not be causing this much panic in a seasoned pilot like Duo. There had to be something else…
"Where are we?" Came the shaky small voice of the trembling mass in his arms.
"Don't Worry Duo. We are at a safe house… we got you out and brought you here. You've been ill because they were poisoning you but you're going to be fine okay? You're safe now." Heero surprised himself at the rage he felt that they had been poisoning Duo. Duo nodded into his shoulder and sighed.
~*~
Duo just needed the presence of someone he could trust to tell him that he was safe now and it was going to be okay. Someone to tell him something he could believe blindly. And Heero did just that. It was exactly what Duo needed to hear. He just felt so frightened and he felt exposed and defenseless. He hated the feeling. But he couldn't fight it. Duo pulled back a little bit hugging his arms close to his chest and wiping at his eyes. He felt embarrassed after clinging to his friend like that. He blinked and rubbed at his eyes again… but it didn't help. He couldn't see a thing no matter how he tried. He frowned biting his lower lip a little bit.
"Heero… I…I can't see…" His voice trembled still.
"I guessed that you couldn't. We should have the doctor come out again to check up on you." Heero suggested as he watched Duo fidget nervously trying to begin trembling again. Something really got to him… what did they do that made him this bad?
"You… You don't think its going to be permanent? Do you?"
Heero did not fail to hear the note of fear in Duo's voice. "No I'm sure it's just another side effect of the poison they gave you." Duo nodded slightly. "How are you feeling?" Heero ventured tentatively.
"Not so good…" He wasn't even up to joking about it. Heero noticed that and he felt a bit more concerned. Duo wasn't cracking jokes or even trying to. This was serious.
~*~
Wufei called the medic again and explained how Duo was doing and the medic agreed to come out to see the young pilot again.
~*~
"You don't have to stay with me. You should go and get some sleep." Duo was now at least sitting up. He was pale and drawn and because he couldn't see he had taken to simply staring into space. He lacked even the strength to sit up on his own and he leaned back in a pile of pillows. He had requested some cereal earlier. His favorite kind, sugar coated with marshmallow bits in it. That had raised everyone's spirits, Duo was well enough to want his sugar-covered cereal. But he hadn't been able to keep it down and was now restricted to crackers and flat gingerale. He hated crackers.
"You're one to talk Maxwell!" Heero scoffed at him, but he did have to admit he was exhausted. He had been sitting here with Duo almost since he had gotten back.
"No, really… go ahead. I'm fine… I'll just sleep a while." Heero shrugged and stood stiffly. He walked out of the room quietly closing the door behind him. He had not taken three steps when he felt himself collapsing. Luckily Trowa was coming down the hallway and was close enough to catch him. Some perfect soldier… can't even walk down the hall. I'm falling to pieces. He grudgingly allowed Trowa to help him to his room. He was so fatigued. He lay down on his bed and no sooner than his head hit the pillow than he was asleep.
~*~
He shut the door behind him silently. Trowa shook his head. No matter how much Heero denied it, Trowa knew he was worried sick about Duo. He actually collapsed in the hallway… Trowa knew that the medic would be here soon and he went to the door to wait for him.
~*~
Duo sat in his bed, his knees hugged up close to his chest and his face resting on his arms. Hot tears fell from his eyes. Quatre looked in through the slightly open door at him. He knew Duo was hurting inside and he knew, intuitively, that it was not because of the poison he had been given. Quatre could hear the muffled crying very quietly, he knew Duo was trying to be silent. He knocked quietly on the door and stood so that Duo wouldn't know he had seen him.
"Come in," came the tired voice, after a few moments hesitation. Duo sounded broken, very much not like his normal self.
Quatre stepped in quietly… Duo didn't look up. Quatre ventured over closer. "Duo?"
"Hi Quatre." Duo's voice had the sound of forced cheer. Quatre felt his heart go out to his wounded friend. He was trying to put on a brave face and trying to pretend that he was fine. But Quatre could see the tear stains and the red rimmed eyes that Duo couldn't see.
"How are you feeling Duo?"
"Decent… I guess…" Duo lied.
"I brought you some coffee…" he handed it to Duo, making sure it was in his hand before letting go… since Duo couldn't see he did not want him dropping hot coffee on himself. "Its got lots of sugar the way you like it…" Quatre paused… "Are your eyes any better today?"
Duo simply shook his head. "There is nothing, its just this unending blackness that leaves you cold and alone…" Duo cut himself off, he bit his lip… he had not intended to say so much.
Quatre shivered, he didn't think that Duo was only talking about his eyes. That statement ran deeper than Duo was trying to let anyone else realize.
"Why did Heero sit in here with me?" Duo asked.
"You mean you don't remember?" Quatre's voice sounded uncertain. Duo's forehead furrowed.
"No… I don't… what do you mean?" Duo's voice had a distinctive nervousness in it. What had happened? What had he done while he was unaware of himself?
"Well…" Quatre hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. He had thought Duo knew this already. He hadn't realized that Duo didn't know. Stupid me… how on earth would he know anything… he was delirious and unconscious… baka… He chose his words carefully. "You were very uneasy when we finally found you and got you back here. It was the poison and you were really confused and frightened. You talked in your sleep, mostly just incoherent nonsense. But you kept getting very tensed up and agitated. When the doctor came to look at you… well… you started screaming and you wouldn't let the doctor near you. You wouldn't calm down until Heero was there… only after he talked with you for a while would you let the doctor look at you… to try and negate the poison. Then you couldn't sleep unless Heero was in the room…" At this point Duo had turned his face away and had alternatively paled and gone red in the face. Quatre was afraid to say anything further. Duo looked as if he might pass out. "He sat with you the whole time you were out of it… He slept right here in this chair…" Quatre tapered off and sat silently watching his friend's reaction.
"Did…" Duo hesitated… "Did I say anything… when I was… out of it?"
"I don't know Duo… no one would know but Heero… he sat with you through it all. You can ask him when he wakes up again. He's asleep right now." Quatre stood up quietly seeing that Duo probably needed some time to himself. "Is there anything else you need Duo?" Duo shook his head. "Well, I guess I'll let you get some rest… you look kind of tired…"
Duo nodded bleakly as Quatre left.
~*~
The coffee grew cold as it sat untouched on the bedside table.
~*~
The medic who had examined Duo pulled Trowa aside to tell him something. Trowa was uncertain as to why he was telling him, but he supposed it was because there was no one else around so he listened. In hushed tones the words that the doctor spoke caused Trowa's concerned expression to change to one of utter horror.
~*~
Heero blinked awake and sat up quickly. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. He was shocked at how long he had slept. The clock read nearly fifteen hours later than when he had collapsed. A small voice in his head told him that he was stupid to be surprised. Nearly two weeks of getting less than an hour of sleep each night as he sat at Duo's bedside would run anyone down. Even the perfect soldier… He shook it off and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He fumbled his way to the shower
After toweling off and dressing he headed out of his room and he was surprised to find Trowa standing outside his door leaning on the wall.
"I need to tell you something." Trowa turned and walked away as Heero followed him. Heero's face bore a frown wondering what was going on.
~*~
Trowa had waited for Heero to wake up. He knew that Heero needed to know what the doctor had told him. Trowa wondered how he would react. He was unsure of their relationship. He only knew that Heero would be angry… very angry.
~*~
Two hours and nearly fourteen clips of ammunition later Heero put down the gun. The firing range had done some good. It had alleviated the raw aggression that was making him feel like tearing someone to shreds. But he still felt furious. He pulled on his coat and headed home.
~*~
Trowa and Wufei had their hands full. Duo was fighting against the strong vice like grips of a nightmare and no one could seem to wake him up. He fought violently against Trowa and Wufei as they struggled to keep him from injuring himself. He screamed aloud in terror, his eyes open but unseeing. He fought them both as hard as he could. He screamed at them not to hurt him. He thought they were the ones that had held him prisoner and he was wild with the need to get free. The gun they had wrested from his grip lay knocked away on the floor.
"GO FIND HEERO!" Trowa sent Quatre scurrying from the room. The blonde boy raced down the stairs towards the door. His mind racing as he tried to think where Heero would be. He ran out the front door without even stopping to grab a coat. Much to his relief Heero was just pulling up on his motorcycle. He pulled off the helmet and looked up surprised to see Quatre's alarmed expression.
"Heero! Hurry! Duo's gone insane!"
~*~
Heero felt a finger of ice creep up his spine as he pushed Quatre aside in hi rush to get in the door. Quatre stumbled backwards and then came after him. Heero dropped the helmet and his bag on the floor in his hurry to get up the stairs. He took the steps two and three at a time. He could hear the screams before he even had gotten to the base of the stairs.
He threw open the door to Duo's room and saw Wufei and Trowa struggling to keep Duo from losing it. Panic filled him, had Duo snapped?
Heero ran over to him and began to yell at Duo. He grabbed him from Trowa and Wufei and they both let go. Duo struggled and screamed still. Heero yelled trying to get through to Duo. Duo's expression suddenly changed and he fell silent and stopped moving.
"Hee… Hee-chan?" His voice was hoarse and broken. His whole posture seemed childlike. He turned towards the voice and he seemed to fold inwardly... curling up against Heero as he started to cry. Heero held on to him and glanced upwards at the others. They turned and left closing the door behind them.
"I'm right here Duo… no one is going to hurt you… you are safe and there are no Oz troops here… I won't let anyone hurt you."
Duo's eyes filled with tears as he clung to Heero, he could so vividly remember the nightmare… the nightmare that had been real. He was reliving everything that had happened to him every night. "It hurt Heero…" Duo's voice was quiet and barely audible. "I just want to die…" Heero felt himself choking. He had not been prepared for that. Duo was falling apart. Heero knew what it was now.
"I… I know… what happened…" Heero said.
He could feel Duo tensing up.
~*~
"I know what they did to you." Heero said. Duo tensed, he felt the urge to curl up on himself and hide his face. Heero knew what happened. He knew that the Oz soldiers who had taken him captive had… he shuddered, he felt hot tears on his cheeks. He could also feel Heero's slightly callused fingertips as he brushed the tears away. He felt shamed. Now that Heero knew… he felt dirty, and used, and ruined, and broken. He could feel his emotions breaking down inside of him and he needed to get this out because it was eating away at him… He willed himself to speak but he couldn't.
"I know you're hurting… and I promise I'm here… just like you asked. If you want to talk… I'm here and I'll listen… but I won't make you if you don't feel like it…" Heero sat on the bed with him, Duo could feel his arms around him… he felt like a frightened child who calls out for someone to make it all right again and then hides in the arms of someone stronger, hoping they can set right what was wrong. Heero had to hold him down earlier as he thrashed in the grips of the nightmare. He took a deep breath and began to speak.
At first his words came slowly an haltingly and each word was painfully extracted… His story began to unfold painfully and slowly
~*~
He had been suddenly attacked and overpowered by sheer numbers. They had beaten him and then bound and gagged him, throwing him into a dark concrete cell. He had managed to get free of his bonds and was working on getting out the locked door. He had almost gotten the door open when it opened on its own. Duo leapt backwards into the dark shadows in the corner, in the doorway stood a group of about four soldiers. Perhaps he could distract them and make a break for the door. He gave it a damn good shot. He slammed into them knocking them off balance and made a dash for the door, but just as he was almost to the door a leg shot out and tripped him. He fell hard to the ground and was just as quickly on his feet as the door slammed shut from the outside. He cursed inwardly and turned to face the men in the cell. Duo made smart, acidic, remarks to them. He felt his temper rising. They picked themselves up and moved closer to the door. Duo backed against it, bumping into it quietly. The men grinned at him with an almost predatory glint in their eyes. He did not like the look they had about them one bit. Something about them was different than soldiers he met on the field of battle. He felt fear grip him, he pushed it away, anger flooding his senses. They moved in on him and when they were close enough Duo began to lash out at them, fighting them. But eventually with the odds of four to one Duo felt himself losing. He had no way to escape this. He felt strong hands on his arms, bruising grips that made him wince. This grip spun him around and threw him against the wall; he stumbled and hit cold concrete hard enough to wind him. He slumped to the floor gasping for air. He was drawn up to his feet again and held there. He struggled to fill his lungs with air once again. As he hung slumped between two of them he could feel a hand caress his cheek. His stomach turned and he aimed one well-placed kick at the body connected to the hand.
"Don't touch me you sick bastard!" He hissed. They caught his leg and forced it back to the ground so he couldn't lash out at them. He struggled to lift his arms and yank them away as they were pinioned behind him. He cursed and spat at them. He heard a click and felt cold steel encircling his wrists as handcuffs were secured. He could now feel strong grips on his legs. He felt himself being lifted. He bucked and kicked and fought them. He could feel the fear rising in his throat. He was carried to the center of the room as they held him fast. He struggled against them. He felt his arms being forced up over his head. He heard the click of something metal and he looked up. The handcuffs were now locked to a metal bar in the ceiling, holding him so he could only just touch the floor with his feet. He gritted his teeth and tried to pull free his legs from their grips. But his efforts were in vain. They caught hold of his ankles and clipped steel shackles around them. These shackles were secured to two iron rings embedded in the floor about three feet apart. He couldn't move more than a few inches like this. He yanked against them and cursed. He had never felt so helpless as he did now. He felt the fear rising again. More curses… "What the fuck are you doing?!"
The men now stood in front of him as he hung there helpless. His arms cuffed together at the wrists high up over his head and his legs unable to move as they were shackled. He refused to lower his gaze even as they began to beat him. Their blows landed everywhere, as Duo was helpless to defend himself from them. They laughed at him and looked him over appraisingly. He left eye was blacked and he was bruised all over. He was nearly purple with rage. They moved to circle him and he strained to see what they were doing. They began to touch him.
"Get the hell off me you sick freaks, what the hell are you doing?!" As he struggled against them he heard the tearing of cloth, the involuntary gasp that came from him only served to make his tormentors more excited. He suddenly realized just what they intended to do. Terror gripped him. He fought back with renewed fervor.
"Get off me!" He cursed as loud as he could… hoping that perhaps someone might hear and something might happen to stop these men. His clothes were being torn away and it hurt. The tearing cloth burned his skin making him wince again. It was cold in the small cell and he began to shiver. He felt helplessly exposed and totally helpless. His clothing was torn away from him viscously. He felt his face burning, just as the ripping fabric abraded his skin. But the pain from the tearing cloth was nothing compared to what came next.
Duo screamed aloud as the pain ripped through him. He could feel tears stinging his eyes, but he didn't want to cry. He didn't want to let them see him crying. He fought the tears back. His throat hurt, he bit his lip to keep from screaming. He bit it until it bled. He could only just hear their laughing and their comments about tender virginity. He felt hot tears of shame on his cheeks and the chill of the cell. He could barely breathe. He struggled against them, trying desperately to get away from them but it was impossible. He wanted to die… He prayed for death to come as the soldiers ravaged him. He could feel them driving into him, their hands all over his bare skin. They left bruises. He closed his eyes tightly and all he could hear was the sound of his own ragged voice.
When they finally withdrew Duo was left shivering suspended in the center of the room, he had screamed himself hoarse, his throat burned and he had lost his voice. He was bruised and broken. Sobs shook through him involuntarily. His arms hurt from having the weight of his body hanging from them. He couldn't even move, hung as he was from those chains… he was sore and ashamed. His hair fell loosely about his body covering him a little bit. The small band at the end of his braid had been torn away. His clothing was in shreds and the room felt very cold. He knew that he was bleeding but he didn't care anymore.
Even when some other soldiers came into the room with needles… the poison… he didn't move beyond some whimpering and a sharp cry as they injected him. He was taken down from the hooks but he was so far gone from the horror of the rape and the poison that he couldn't even resist them when they came again. Tearing away the clothing once again and violating him each in turn. He shut his eyes tightly crying silently as they hurt him again. He shook violently anytime the door opened and he couldn't sleep. When the other pilots had finally been able to locate Duo and get him out, they found a shell of the boy. He had been delirious, scared of his own shadow. He was skin and bones with dark circles under his eyes. Dressed in strange clothing, he didn't even recognize them.
~*~
Heero was shocked by what he was hearing from Duo… the doctor had said there had been evidence of some type of personal assault… but nothing could have prepared him for the raw pain and horror of the story he was hearing. Duo was actually sobbing against him as the words tumbled forth. Heero couldn't imagine the pain he had to be feeling. Duo covered his face with his arms and turned away. Heero sat with him… he had no idea what to say…He wanted to find the ones who had done this… he wanted to find them… and kill them all… one by one… He felt hatred raging through him for those who could hurt his best friend like this. He clenched his fist and tried to keep his cool. It wouldn't help Duo to be worried that Heero was going to go charging off into the middle of the battlefield.
"Just try to get some sleep Duo… The doctor says you need to try and relax…"
"Please don't go…" the braided boy asked in a small tone. His back was to Heero and he was huddled under the mussed blankets.
~*~
Duo felt ashamed, asking Heero to stay with him was childish… nothing was going to happen… but he was so afraid of being alone and in the dark…
"I'll stay." With those simple words Duo felt safer… he laid down against the soft pillows and pulling the blanket up close around him… he was a little scared of the nightmares but he could sleep if he knew he wasn't alone. Maybe something inside him told him that having someone else there would give him some warning so he would have time to escape if something happened. Duo closed his eyes and let blessed darkness overtake him. Sleep came quickly… without dreams thankfully. The braided boy slept soundly.
~*~
When Quatre peeked inside a few hours later he saw Heero dozing in the chair and Duo, sleeping peacefully, for the first time since they had gotten him home, in the bed. Quatre sighed with relief… maybe the poison's effects were wearing off. He hoped so… he hated to see his friend in such pain. Trowa walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder saying that he had something to tell Quatre… about Duo… but that he might want to sit down first.
~*~
Trowa wondered whether he should have told Quatre as he watched the blonde boy's face get paler and paler with each word. Quatre looked like he was going to faint.
"They… they… did that to him?" Quatre managed to stammer, "But why? If he was an enemy… why didn't they just… " Quatre struggled for words, he couldn't believe what Duo had been put through. Trowa merely shrugged saying that he didn't know what their reasons were.
"They were just very sick individuals…," Trowa said. Quatre felt sick to his stomach… he asked Trowa what they could do for Duo.
"I'm not sure really… it depends on how Duo decides to deal with it… mostly just be there for him when he needs it… there is no set method for handling this kind of thing…" Quatre nodded somberly and hugged his knees to his chest. He felt so bad for his friend. Trowa sat in the chair opposite thinking…. I hope Duo can get through this…
~*~
It was dark, Duo was alone. He looked around nervously. He was lost again… nothing was familiar. He hugged his arms close around him. He backed up a little, but there was nothing anywhere around him… it was just an inky blackness. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck rising. So dark.
Soon he heard voices, voices that were oily and taunting, dangerous voices… he wanted to run away. No he did run away, but the voices only got closer and closer no matter where or how fast he ran. The voices threatened him, things they would do with him when they caught him. He was scared, he didn't ever want to feel those things again. He fought back tears. He couldn't get away. He could feel them drawing closer and closer but there was nothing he could do… there was no way out. He tore through the inky blackness, but something caught hold of him. He couldn't escape it, he never could. It held him down. He screamed in terror, but no answer came. The thing was going to hurt him. He screamed and wrenched to get free. Suddenly he was sitting bolt upright in bed, his chest heaving and a voiceless scream hanging in the air. Heero was shaking him, Duo couldn't breath, and he gasped for air. He was covered in a cold sweat. His vision had returned, but with it had come terrible nightmares as well.
~*~
Heero shook Duo awake, his face had been white as a ghost and he had been tossing and turning. It had to be a nightmare. Duo had shot awake and he appeared to be badly shaken. He was seized by violent tremors and his whole body was tensed. Heero reached out and pulled Duo to him, trying to calm his friend down. Heero could feel Duo's heart racing dangerously fast. His anxiety was going to give him a heart attack at this rate. Duo pulled away instinctively at first before collapsing into Heero's arms after he realized who it was. He was still shaking. Heero was worried… this was getting dangerous. Duo was scared to sleep, he could barely eat, and he had panic attacks. Something had to be done or else Duo was going to lose it. Hell he was losing it. There had to be something that could be done.
~*~
Duo's head pounded and he struggled to catch his breath. He clung hard to Heero. He wanted those thoughts gone from his head. He wanted the paralyzing fear gone from his mind, he wanted the shaking gone from his body. He could feel hot tears in his eyes, could see them as they made dark spots on the green fabric of Heero's tank top. He felt angry. This was destroying his life and he couldn't seem to bridge the rift his attackers had driven into his soul. He felt broken and he wanted to be whole again. He didn't think he would ever feel the same. He took deep breaths to calm himself down… finally the sound of Heero's voice came to him and he found something he could hold to, he calmed down again and slumped against his friend.
~*~
Heero began speaking to Duo, very quietly at first, just meaningless words at first. Something to bring Duo back to the physical world, he seemed trapped in a quasi dream world where there was nothing to sustain him but unending nightmares of remembered pain and anguish. Once Duo stopped shaking he sighed with relief, he had been able to pull Duo back through the wall of nightmares. He knew that Duo was crying, and he knew that Duo didn't like to cry in front of anyone. He held his friend close, just telling him that it would be all right. His mind raced for something he could do to help him… something more than sitting in a chair and speaking empty words, words that could only be a balm for so long. He lifted Duo's chin so that he could look into his eyes. His red-rimmed eyes, deep violet orbs met Prussian blue, in the violet eyes there was confusion, there was pain, and there was a yearning. Duo just wanted it to go back to the way it had been. Heero wiped away Duo's tears with a callused fingertip.
~*~
Duo felt Heero lifting his chin and brushing away his tears. He relaxed a little bit as Heero's touch brushed over his face. They were so close now… Heero was holding him in his arms. Duo sighed, he could remember many times that he had secretly wished Heero would hold him like this… but now he couldn't feel that way… the reason that had driven him here hounded him. It stabbed into him anytime he felt anything. All feelings were slowly being driven from him. It almost seemed as if they had made him undeserving of feelings… he began to feel numb. Heero felt him becoming distanced. He asked him what was wrong.
"I… I don't really know." He cast his eyes down, "I can't… feel anything… It hurt so much to feel… because feeling means remembering… My body is closing off… I feel numb… I don't like this… I feel inhuman…" Duo's voice was soft and pleading. He realized that his tears had stopped. He really felt like he was losing a part of himself. He bent over slightly… he felt cold and more empty than he had ever before.
~*~
As Heero watched, Duo changed, almost physically. He seemed to have relaxed more… but his eyes were draining, draining of life it seemed. The violet eyes that had almost always smiled before were now becoming empty and lifeless. He felt colder. Heero was worried… this was not a good sign. Duo was pulling inward and away from everything. Heero had seen this tendency in suicidal people before. He had to do something and he had to do it quickly, or else he was about to the closest person he had in his life. He leaned into Duo and quickly kissed him. Duo's half-veiled eyes shot wide open and he gasped as though he had been burned. The braided boy pulled back from him. Heero bit his lip, wondering if perhaps he had chosen his actions poorly, maybe his theory of acting on his emotions had led him astray this time. Duo's eyes asked so many questions it was difficult for him to try and sort them all out.
"Why… I… I can't…" Duo floundered in his thoughts, he couldn't seem to make words come forth in any coherent order.
"I did it because… I don't want you to fall into that trap… of not feeling. You were shutting yourself off from everything. Duo… I lived my life like that for so long… It was slowly killing me deep inside, strangling me. I can't let you turn into something like that. I wanted you to keep feeling… even though its painful to feel right now… you can heal, you are one of the strongest people I know… you are stronger than I am. You really are. You saved me from myself. I was drowning in the darkness, and I was so numb I never even knew it until you shoved my face in it and made me see how empty I really was inside. I won't let you drown in that same darkness, you're slipping… But I have a hold of you and I promise not to let you fall. You're the closest and best friend I have Duo. I won't let go. I care about you too much." Heero felt as though he had just given an oration, he didn't usually talk so much, especially not around Duo. It was normally the other way around. Duo talking constantly and Heero listening.
Heero paused for a moment, letting the ramifications of what he had just said sink into both their minds. He put his hand over Duo's half expecting him to pull away.
~*~
Duo looked down, letting the words wash over him. He felt Heero place his hand over Duo's, Duo leaned in towards Heero… resting his head on his friend's shoulder. It felt good to be there… he didn't feel really safe anywhere else… He leaned against Heero. Heero's arms slid protectively around his slight frame. He sighed, letting pent up feelings slide out of him. He tentatively put his arms around Heero. He knew that Heero would never hurt him. He could count on Heero.
His head felt full of thoughts. He wasn't sure what to do. He was tired. He felt Heero leaning his head on his own. He could feel the tears in his eyes again. He felt it building in him again and he could feel himself start to shake. Heero pulled him closer as sobs worked through him.
"I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again Duo."
Heero felt warm. The sobs wore him out. Duo felt his eyelids drooping. He didn't fear the nightmares now.
~*~
When Quatre looked in an hour later he saw Duo asleep snuggled close to Heero, who was also asleep. They both seemed so peaceful, so he closed the door and let them both sleep.
~*~
A Year Later
~*~
Duo smiled as he slipped his hand into Heero's. They were walking together beneath the trees at a park. They had gone to an amusement park today and Heero had even consented to ride the roller coasters with Duo. The braided boy loved them, Heero called them lurching nuisances, saying that piloting a mobile suit in battle was far more pleasant. Heero kissed Duo's cheek and put his arm around Duo's shoulder. He reflected. It had been a year, exactly a year today since they had brought Duo home in ruins. He had recovered remarkably well. Perhaps his words and his actions were more darkly colored than they had been before, but then again, perhaps life would have done that in its own time without the painful experience to color it anyway. It was impossible to tell. Both boys had grown. They had grown together most noticeably. It had not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Both of them had to struggle to keep their sanity.
The sun was dipping lower in the sky, staining it with shades of colors so vibrant they seemed an artist's canvas. Duo stopped to look at them, the dying light played across his face making it a myriad of light and shadow. Heero stood beside him watching the sun as it began to set. Duo leaned against him.
"Thank you Heero, for everything you've done for me. I think that I would have given up if it hadn't been for you… Thank you for showing me that there is no darkness without light, and also that there can be no light without darkness either. You are the light in my darkness…"
"Ai Shiteru"