Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Degrassi: The Next Generation, the creator Linda Schuyler does. Trust me, if I did own DTNG, Sean would never have left!
A/N: Okay, so this is my first piece of Degrassi fiction. Not to use that as an excuse so you won't send me mean reviews (even though, I hope ya'll don't), but I'm just sayin'! Anyway, um, this is a one-shot that I wanted to divide into like, three pieces, because I figured was anyone really going to sit down and read 4000+ words? But, I figured, you never know. So here it is, all in one piece. R&R
Setting: Voices Carry Pt.1
Piece of You, Piece of Me
"I'm staying… Look, for the first time in my life I need to be here with my parents, to deal."
Those were the last words that came out of Sean Cameron's mouth before watching his then girlfriend Ellie, along with his buddy Jay, and ex-girlfriend Emma drive away. It had been two weeks since Ellie had seen him. She remembered asking him, almost pleading with him, when he would come back. But, he didn't say anything at all, confirming her worst fear: he wasn't.
Since then, there hadn't been a day that Ellie didn't think about him. She often wondered why it was he couldn't stay in Toronto, with her. She could have helped Sean deal with everything that happened. She would have been there for him. After all, he was there for her when she was dealing with her mother's alcoholism, so why couldn't he have trusted her to do the same for him?
Ellie had loved him…in fact; she still did, and struggled with that everyday. She didn't feel that it was healthy to be in love with someone who wasn't coming back. Instead of being happy whenever she thought about him, she had urges to retreat back to her old habits of self-injury. But she didn't, she wouldn't—she had promised Sean when she first moved in with him that she had stopped and wouldn't be doing it anymore.
She desperately wanted to get over him because of the situation he'd put her in.
From the moment that Ellie had started living with Sean she'd felt safer than ever. It truly felt like home to her, and she couldn't imagine herself anywhere else from then on. She knew that realistically the situation wasn't going to last forever, her mother and her dad would want her to return once things were settled and sober, but—she could've imagined it to be.
It didn't help that Sean had painted the perfect picture for her. "Let me make it simple. Move in…with someone who loves you." How could she say no to that? She might have said "no" the first time, but she eventually figured out that there is where she needed to be. Not only did her head tell her so, but her heart did as well.
But looking back on it all at times she felt as though it was all lies. He'd allowed her to have dreams and hopes for their future together, only to go off and, as she put it to Ashley, "sticking her with the rent." Ellie's first real serious relationship where she let herself fall, hard, giving herself entirely to Sean, only find him not being able to do the same.
The whole thing had left her with a somewhat jaded view of relationships in general, so it angered her that she still loved him without any reason to do so. It just reaffirmed for her that giving yourself to one person doesn't necessarily mean you get the same thing in return. After the shooting at Degrassi she was hoping that aside from getting the physical from Sean, she would also get into the emotional as well—but she never did.
When her best friend had come to her with the news that she had quite possibly reconnected with the infamous Craig Manning, but Ellie warned her about what comes after that kiss. She knew that after that kiss there would be a lot of purging of emotions and sweet words being said only to lead to a moment of intimacy followed by heartbreak: Ashley's. She didn't want to see her friend getting hurt.
Despite all these things that ran through her head on a daily basis, Ellie knew that she had to find a way to get over Sean, because he wasn't coming back. And, as she had mentioned to Ashley the previous week, "guys suck".
So, instead of wallowing in her own self-pity and staring at the color bands on her wrist that she had already snapped a total of sixteen times before the clock struck 07:20AM, she decided to get up and get ready to face another school day.
She would try not to think about how different it was to wake up without Sean next to her in their bed, or how on occasion she would try her hand at cooking a fancy breakfast for him and actually succeed, or how they would always walk to school together, hand-in-hand. Those were memories of the past; hopeless memories.
School helped keep Ellie focused on something other than Sean, even if only for about seven hours out of the twenty-four. At times she figured she just needed to keep her self busy, which is why school helped, but there were always those moments where her mind would just drift and she couldn't help it. School was her distraction, and all distractions were very welcome.
Though the morning classes seemed to drag on a bit, she was actually semi-grateful that the queasy feeling in her stomach was keeping her awake. Sleep was something that she had not gotten much of over the last two weeks; her thoughts were restless.
"He heard the song and didn't even say anything! It was beyond horrible…he threw our recording time down the drain, and he didn't even say anything about it…" Marco was going on about the day's earlier events that had gone on with his band Downtown Sasquatch. "I mean, how could—" He paused, noticing that his best friend wasn't even paying attention to a word he was saying. "Hello? Earth to Ellie?"
"Uh huh, yeah," she said, jerking her head up and reacting to the hands being waved in front of her.
It was obvious that his friend's thoughts had drifted away from his story; it was something that had been happening quite often. He showed some concern by putting his hand over hers and giving her a half-smile. "You've barely touched your food, and you haven't heard a word I've said to you since I sat down and said 'hi'. Do you want to ta—"
She didn't let him finish that sentence, because she knew good 'ol sweet Marco was going to ask if she wanted to talk about what she was feeling and be her shoulder to cry on. But that's not what she wanted. She didn't want to have to talk about anything. She just wanted to move on from Sean and let go of all those feelings she was holding on to.
She shook her head furiously and told him, "no, no. I'm fine. I'm just not that hungry, that's all. Plus, this stuff has a funny after-taste… Way to waste three bucks, huh?" She let out a short fake laugh at the end, hoping that somehow that would divert Marco from asking her anymore questions of concern.
Though he saw right through her words, he decided not to push. "Yeah…so…" He gave it a second and then decided to change to subject. "Um, you want to check out the play the drama club's putting on? I know it's not for another couple of weeks but, as student council president I wanted to start spreading the word…starting, with my best friend." He smiled.
Ellie raised an eyebrow, rhetorically asking, "You're inviting me to a school function?"
"What? It'll be fun! You, me, Dylan…we could catch the play then maybe get a bite to eat. It'll be good, give you a chance to get out of the house," he told her very enthusiastically. "It could be like, a double date!"
"Marco, 'you, me, Dylan' isn't exactly how'd you want to spend time with your boyfriend. Plus, um, if I'm not mistaken, a double date would require for there to be a double on my end. And, well, I'm not a double anymore. I'm a single. Sean's gone. He would rather be dealing with his drunk parents than me."
He didn't mean to have her ending up thinking about Sean, he knew that she'd been having a tough time dealing with the situation, he just wanted to get her out and help her have some fun. "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"No, it's okay," she assured him. "I just have to face the facts. He's not coming back. I need to get over it, and get over him." Ellie sighed. "It's just harder than I thought it'd be."
"Then you should come. And not as a third wheel or tag-along, but as my friend. What do you say?" He smiled at her from ear to ear, hoping that she would take him up on the offer and at least take a step in the right direction.
Ellie nodded her head at him with a smile. "You're right—you're right. I'm in."
"I promise it'll be worth it." She gave him a look that essentially told him that she appreciated what he was doing for her, even if she never voiced it out loud. He was just glad that she was letting him help her, even if just a little bit in baby steps. "And Ellie, so you know, when you're ready, I'm here."
By the time her next class came around, French with Madame Perger, Ellie couldn't get herself to focus at all, as much as she tried. The queasy feeling that had kept her awake earlier had gotten worse, especially after having had a bit of the lunch with the after-taste. While everyone was busy writing notes from the blackboard, all she could do was sit there feeling unwell.
Alex, who was sitting next to her, noticed. Ellie was always one to take notes and keep up, so she found it quite strange that her friend wasn't getting everything, or anything, down in her notebook like everybody else.
"Hey, are you okay?" she asked in a whisper after nudging her.
"Yeah…" Ellie answered in the same low tone, not even looking at Alex, expressionless.
"You sure? You look like you're about to be—"
"Problème Mademoiselle Nunez?" the teacher asked, having stopped her lecture on the author of a book they were about to start reading in a couple of days. "Mademoiselle Nash?"
Ellie just simply shook her head while Alex folded her arms. "Not at all," she simply said.
"Français s'il vous plait." Apparently Mdm. Perger wanted her to say it in French.
Alex sighed, taking a quick moment to gather the correct words in the right order. "Pas du tout."
"Merci beaucoup. Maintenant faire l'attention." Mdm. Perger thanked her for replying in French and went on with her class.
If it was any other day, Ellie would be fully into the lecture taking down notes and participating in class discussions. But so far she hadn't done anything but stare at her hands and feel nauseated the entire time. She mentally cursed herself for even attempting to eat more of her meal after having gotten the after-taste from the first bite. It had to be what had gotten her sick. So sick in fact that she had the sudden urge to throw up.
Quickly her hand shot up and she was able to get out the words, "Puis-je aller aux la salle de bains?" permitting her to go to the bathroom.
She didn't know what had gotten into her, but the next thing she knew she was on her knees, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She hoped that nobody else was in any of the other stalls; she would be pretty embarrassed to face them after making such horrific noises. That, and she knew how fast rumors could get going at Degrassi Community School. She didn't need people to start saying that not only was Ellie Nash a cutter but a bulimic too. Right now, her life could deal without it.
When it was finally over she took a deep breath, thankful, and unoccupied her stall. To her surprise she found Manny Santos, a girl who had all of the year before devoted to rumors about her, washing her hands. She didn't say anything to her, being that she didn't know the girl personally, expect for the hurt that she caused her best friend Ashley.
Manny just stared at Ellie as she washed her hands, without Ellie noticing.
"Look," Manny began, "I know you don't like me because of everything that happened last year between me and Craig and Ashley, but—"
"You're right, I don't," Ellie told her firmly, cutting her off.
"But…if you need someone to talk to about, you know…" The last part, the "you know", was said softly, almost in a whisper as though it was something private, unsaid, but understood.
Understood it wasn't though. "No, what?"
"You being—I mean, I heard you in there and I just thought, well…"
That's when it hit Ellie what she was getting at. Manny believed that she was in the same situation she herself was a year ago. Never until that moment had Ellie even thought that it was a possibility. But now, a lot of things began to make sense, scaring her.
"Well, you thought wrong, I'm not—not—" Ellie insinuated towards to the word, but couldn't exactly bring herself to say it, especially since it could be true. "I'm fine! Okay?" she told Manny in a tone just below a scream. And at the moment, screaming was exactly what she wanted to do.
How could this happen to her? She never imagined that it would even be remotely possible for her to be pregnant now, let alone with Sean not there anymore. This wasn't how things were suppose to be for her. She wasn't supposed to end up like some statistic.
She snapped her band several times on her way back to class.
The rest of French was a blur, as were the rest of her classes.
She figured she needed to find out, and face her fear. Though, a part of her told her she didn't need to take a test because the answer was clear. Something else she needed was advice, advice from someone who would know what to do.
The last person she was going to turn to was Manny, even if she had offered. And because of Manny, she felt as though she couldn't go to Ashley either. Not only was she busy with her father's wedding, but this would only bring back memories of the year before. Marco was the best friend anybody could ever ask for, but, she didn't exactly feel comfortable going to him with this kind of problem.
As she walked through the relatively empty halls after school she spotted Alex at her locker, and knew that she'd found just that person.
"Alex, can I ask you something? Kind of personal?" she asked as she watched her throw books into the locker and retrieve her work shirt.
"Shoot," Alex answered without even looking at her.
In a lowered tone Ellie asked, "Have you ever thought you were pregnant?"
"Whoa. Can't say I saw that one coming," Alex said, immediately placing her eyes on her friend. "And yes, once. I was a couple of days late and I freaked. But I took a test and it was negative."
"And Jay?"
"He told me we'd take care of it together. And when I say 'it' I don't mean the kid, I mean having an abortion. He said he didn't want a kid because he'd screw its life up just like his parents screwed his." Alex noticed Ellie's face, and how full of uncertainty it was; she came to see that her question was a lot more personal that she realized, having more to do with Ellie than herself. She wished she could just tell her that things would be okay if anything, but she couldn't. "So, that's why you ran off during French?"
Ellie nodded and told her, "I didn't think anything of it until I saw Manny Santos in the bathroom there with me. She heard me throwing up and told me I could talk to her."
"Ha, if you ever needed a sign…"
"I can't buy a test." Alex looked at her in confusion. "Well, I mean, I technically could, but…"
Alex sighed and asked, "Do you want me to buy it for you?"
"As much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared. I'm even scared to buy a test. I can't deal something like this…especially with Sean gone."
"I'll stop by Zellers before my shift and bring over a test later tonight, okay?" Ellie nodded her head in agreement before Alex added, "And don't worry. Sean's a good guy."
Ellie's afternoon was spent full of worry and uncertainty. She didn't know what she was going to do if this whole nightmare was confirmed. There was no way that she was ready to deal with something with a complexity such as this. Fortunately for her, she was able to hold-off finding out until eight, when Alex would be coming over.
More than anything, she wanted to call Sean and tell him everything, from how she felt about his leaving to the fact that she was scared out of her mind that she might actually be pregnant. But she didn't. She picked up the phone several times, dialed some numbers a couple, and had the phone ring once, but never had enough courage to actually make contact with someone.
She had gone from two weeks of wanting to forget all about Sean for playing with her emotions, to wanting to be with in, in his arms again, having him tell her that everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, she knew that that's not how things were going to be. She could replay the fantasy over and over in her head but that's that it was, a fantasy.
It was 07:50PM, Ellie noticed after checking the time, Alex should be there pretty soon.
After having spaced out for a moment, she jumped when she heard a knock on her door. She knew it had to be Alex, with the test.
"I've got the goods," Alex told her, first thing when she opened the door. "Who knew they'd have these things on sale?"
Ellie didn't say anything at all, and simply stared at the brown paper bag that her friend held. It suddenly became all too real for her.
"Are you going to just stand there, or are you doing to take the test?" Alex asked, snapping her friend out of her daze.
Ellie took the bag and let Alex in. She took out the test and studied the box. It was a First Response Early Result Pregnancy Test. She'd seen the commercials on television for it several times but never figured she'd be taking one of them at sixteen. "Three minutes…three minutes," she repeated to herself before heading into the bathroom.
She came out quickly and looked at Alex who was sitting on the couch, watching some random show on the television. "So?" Alex asked her.
"Three minutes. I wait," Ellie explained. "Two lines—"
"You're pregnant, one means your not," Alex finished for her, focused on whatever show she was watching. "I know. Been there, done that."
Ellie sighed and sunk herself onto the couch next to her friend. "What's going to happen to me?"
"Well, if it's positive, you're going to call Sean, and tell him. Then, you two can decide where to take it from there," Alex told her sympathetically, instantly turning off the television and showing concern. "Have you thought about it? What you're going to do if you are?"
"And tell Sean what? That not only does he have to deal with the pain of the shooting, but now his pregnant girlfriend, too?" Ellie asked rhetorically. She let out a bitter laugh realizing what she'd just said. "Girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. I'm his ex-girlfriend now." By that time, she actually had the tears building up in her eyes that she hoped wouldn't escape her…but they did. "I don't know what I'm going to do…"
"Look, I'm not going to tell you that things are going to be all great and sugarcoat this whole thing, but I am going to tell you that things can be figured out. It's a hard situation, but not an impossible one," Alex told her.
They both stayed silent until Alex noticed it was time. "It's done. Go."
Ellie got up slowly and walked to the bathroom, where within second she emerged with the clear pregnancy test in hand, staring at it. "Two lines… How'd I screw up so bad?"
Alex grabbed the phone, and handed it to her. "You didn't screw up alone. Call Sean. I got to go before my mom and her jackass boyfriend get back. I'll see you at school tomorrow."
"Thanks Alex."
"Don't chicken out. Call Sean. He deserves to know," Alex said before heading out the door.
Ellie stood there holding both the phone and the pregnancy test in her hands. She couldn't hold it off. She knew what she had to do, and that was calling him. Make the first piece of contact she'd made with him in two weeks. She always hoped that the next time she would speak to him was because he'd call her and tell her that he was wrong to leave her and he was coming back, not because she needed to tell him that she was pregnant.
She wanted him back so badly, especially now. But, she wondered, would he come back for this? And if he did, would it be out of obligation, or because he still loved her, or cared about her at least, and wanted to be there for her? Ellie couldn't bear to think of things that way because if she did, she might decide not tell him anything at all. But, she knew that wasn't fair.
Taking a deep breath she grabbed the phone and dialed the numbers slowly. She heard the ringing of the phone and hoped that someone would pick up soon enough before she'd lose her nerve as she did several times earlier.
And then she heard his voice. "Hello?"
She felt a slight tug of her heart upon hearing it. She was silent.
"Hello?"
Taking a deep breath, she finally spoke. "Um, Sean. Hi. It's me, Ellie."
She could tell that her call had taken him a bit by surprise, as he took a few moments before responding. "Ellie, hi!"
He did genuinely sound happy to hear from her, which made things on her part a bit harder. She had the unfortunate task of having the break life-altering news to him, as he listened unsuspectingly.
She took a moment, trying to gather her thoughts and making sure she knew how she was going to put things.
"Okay…look, this isn't easy for me to say, especially because two weeks ago you chose Wasaga over me," she began, but was quickly interrupted by Sean.
"Ellie, you may not believe me but, I am so—"
She cut him off. Things were getting sidetracked. That's not why she called him. "No—no. I didn't call you for an apology. I called you because… Look, this is hard, okay? What I'm about to tell you isn't going to be easy for you to take. So, I want you to know that I don't want you to feel obligated about anything, okay? I don't want to force you into anything. So, before I tell you, promise me that. Promise me that you're not going feel bad and do something you don't want to do, okay?"
"Yeah—yeah, I promise." He sounded uncertain, but agreed.
"I took a test today, and it came out positive… I'm pregnant." Ellie waited for him to say something, anything at that point really. She'd just dropped a major bomb on his life; she knew that he must have some sort of reaction to it.
After about a minute, Sean finally spoke up. "I want to be there for you…for this. I left you once, but I'm not leaving you again."
His words had brought the first smile she'd had in weeks. For the first time in a long time, she felt as though things might actually be okay…they would deal with this, together.
.the end.