AN: I do love writing angsty drabbles, I do I do! And Mark seems like such an untapped resource... he reminds me of someone I know, with his saviour complex and such. Anyways, bon appetit!
Nopes, don't own nuffink.
I don't honestly think that Maureen would have stayed with me, had I been a woman. She was so loud and out there… and I just wasn't.
Roger was right; I am numb. And it isn't just because I'm the only one who is going to survive. Not just, anyways.
Life scares me. It's big, and colourful, and painful, and extreme, and I'm just a little guy. I've never been one for really standing up to anything. Thus, I have been mocked, shoved about, and abandoned. I figure, if I just pretend that everything is okay, or better yet, that I don't care, then it's easier to go on.
People like Maureen aren't afraid. PDA, performing in front of masses of strangers, singing at the top of her lungs in the streets… she doesn't care who sees. Actually, I think she wants EVERYONE to see. If she has no secrets, none at all, then maybe she's the safe one.
I envy her that safety, but walls that are twenty-three years thick are bulky, ugly, and so hard to break down, I dare not try. That is why I'm glad to have my camera. It can see, even sort of experience, what I can not.
I'm… I'm glad Maureen found someone who is real. Joanne isn't half as… um… idiosyncratic as Maureen, but she does what she wants, and tells Maureen off when she goes beyond what is fair, something I was never able to do.
I think I still love her. That is, if I did in the first place. I want her to be happy, really, and I think about her all the time. But, I understand that even if I was a woman, it wouldn't work. I've gone too far into my shell, obsessed too much. And she's been too happy.
I wouldn't ever sacrifice her happiness. It's the only really bright thing I know. Here I am, Mark Cohen, nerd-boy extraordinaire, selfishly selfless and self-obsessed as always. And I pray to whatever higher powers there are that I don't stay that way.