It's been two weeks. Two weeks since my mistake had torn our life's apart and made everyone miserable. Everyone that is Emily, I had hurt the one person that actually meant something to me, that I loved. I hated people to be honest, all they ever seemed to do was shit on you, that's why I hated having friends and being dependant. Naomi no mates, I hated the old me, I was a total loser with no life. Emily changed that, I realised I did need somebody, that somebody else could make me happy. I couldn't hold on to that though could I? No. I had to fuck it up and hurt her, make her cry, make her angry with me. Things had changed so quickly I barely had time to process it.
We had a great summer together, it was blissful waking up to her face every morning. I could never get sick of Emily, she was clever and challenging and so brave. Much stronger and braver then I could ever be. Most of the summer we spent just being together, admittedly my bed was occupied a lot of the time, I loved holding her in my arms knowing that she loved me. Being loved by someone other then your mum is comforting, knowing that another human being wants to be with you, cares about you.
It was never going to last though because I fucked it up. I cant even blame anybody else, well I could blame kieran for encouraging me to attend the stupid open day but it wouldn't get me anywhere. Emily seemed so set on travelling the world and seeing everything, how could I say no when she smiled so sweetly at me? I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't help but think I was being a push over. Agreeing with whatever she said just so I didn't loose her, to make her happy. If I was with Emily then I could be anywhere, fuck it, I would even live in a cardboard box if it meant we were together.
The last few weeks of our perfect summer were starting to get on my tits. Emily had done nothing wrong, but I couldn't help but feel trapped into a corner. Talking about our future and making plans for years to come made me feel uncomfortable. Shouldn't you focus on right now instead of trying to plan ahead? Emily didn't think like that, god I think she even had names for our cats picked out. There was no way of escape, I was trapped in this world of love, I was suffocating in it.
Sophia. Her eyes looked so dead inside, she reminded me of how I used to be. Before Emily, before my life turned around and got better. The open day was not suppose to lead to a one night stand, I had no intention of ever cheating on Emily, not ever. Just talking to somebody that hardly knew you was nice, that didn't judge you of your past. Sophia was a good listener, she seemed to care about how I felt. I didn't love her, harsh as it sounds I cant even say I cared about her. I never got that rush of lust and love ripple through my body when I looked at her, I only ever got that with Emily. They say strangers make the best company, all I wanted was a way out.
My way out cost me everything. The girl I loved no longer looked at me the same as before, she didn't look at me at all any more. Instead of suffocating in love I'm now alone with my guilty conscience. We no longer share my bed, we no longer talk into the early hours of the morning, we no longer kiss or cuddle. Nothing. Emily's eyes are constantly red and puffy, she always cries at night thinking im asleep. Hearing her gut wrenching sobs make me want to die, how could I have done this?
* * * * *
Saturday. I rub my eyes and stare at some twat on the shopping channel trying to convince me that buying a pressure cooker will change my life. Yeah right. The couch had become quite comfortable, plus it was close to the kitchen which meant I could grab a drink without having to walk very far. This was what my life had become. Sleeping on the couch downstairs whilst my girlfriend slept upstairs, all I wanted to do was slip in beside her and hold her, try and ease some of the pain away. I deserved to sleep on the couch alone, I deserved to feel the draft from the window taking away all the warmth.
To my surprise Emily still wanted to live at my house, she didn't want to let her family know they had won, they had been right about me all along. Going back would only be embarrassing she said. I was embarrassed, I had cheated and lied, there was no way I wanted Jenna or Katie to gloat about what a fuck up I am. Our lives had become a little odd, we hardly spoke and we seemed to scuttle round each other. Misery followed me wherever I went, nothing would make the sun shine again like it did before. Emily was never going to forgive me for this, fuck it I could never forgive her if she had done it. Maybe that's what I deserve, for Emily to go out and fuck some random girl. Just the thought of that makes my blood boil with jealousy, I don't think I could handle her being with anybody else but me.
Throwing the blankets off me I strolled into the kitchen knowing Emily wont be awake at this time. Emily hates mornings and could quite happily lay in bed until the afternoon. I glanced at the clock on the wall, the ticking of the hands instantly pisses me off, I hate hearing the seconds of my life being wasted. I grab the kettle and fill it with fresh water, a strong cup of coffee is exactly what I need to wake myself up. I take a cup from the draining board and roll my eyes as I hear footsteps on the stairs. I know its not Emily because she doesn't stomp, its mum and she has a hangover. At 3 this morning mum and Keiran decided to stroll in from a dinner party, some fucking dinner party, they were both wasted.
"Naomi love, what are you doing up its early?" Mum asks trying to flatten down her bed hair, or sex hair maybe, ugh!
I grab another cup and spoon in some coffee and sugar, I shudder as she opens the kitchen blinds and the sunlight pours through. "Couldn't sleep" I answer bluntly leaning against the worktops. I had to tell my mum what happened between me and Emily, it was way too hard to hide it, especially when me and Emily were hardly speaking to each other. To be honest she was quite understanding when I explained, it was nice she wasn't taking sides although I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
"Why don't you take one up to Emily?" Mum suggests pulling out a chair and sitting herself down. I know she means well but does she really think a cup of tea is going to make things better? Parents have no fucking idea really, they think they're wise and full of life experience but really they know fuck all about anything.
I lift the kettle from its stand and pour in the boiling water. "She's still asleep, she wont be awake, like you said its early" I turn flashing a sarcastic smile and head over to the fridge for the milk.
Mum nods, I can feel her watching me as I move back over to the mugs, I'd hate to know what she really makes of the whole Sophia situation. Mum and Emily get on really well, too well If you ask me, Mum thinks Emily is the best thing that ever happened to me. Atleast we agree on something. "Good dinner party was it? Sure looked like fun, I don't think the word wasted could cover the state of you last night" I place the cups on the table and sat down opposite her.
Gina smiles and wraps her hand around the mug for warmth, "It was good, you know what a lightweight I am" she laughs tucking her hair behind her ear. "What did you and Emily do? Did you talk?" she asks carefully taking a sip of tea.
"We watched tele, made some food and then she went to bed" I answered staring into my cup. That's what its been like for the past two weeks, it was now routine and it was driving me mental. I wanted to talk and explain and beg for forgiveness, but every time I opened my mouth to speak Emily walked away not wanting to talk to me. I haven't felt this shitty since I can remember.
Gina nods, she reaches out and places her hand over mine. My eyes begin to water, feeling alone was something that was long gone, but fucking things up have seemed to welcome loneliness with open arms. "Its gonna get better, I promise you it will. Emily loves you, if she didn't she wouldn't be here" she smiles ducking her head for eye contact. "Give her time, time heals wounds" she explains softly. I know she is trying to comfort me, im grateful that she wants to be there for me and for Emily. I don't deserve it though, I don't deserve for somebody to tell me its all going to be alright.
"What if she doesn't? What if she cant forgive me? I cant loose her mum, I cant" I feel my lip tremble as the tears roll down my face. I've tried my hardest to be strong, I have to be the strong one because Emily is falling apart, I want to pick up the pieces and mend us. "I fucked it all up and now she wont even look at me" I tell her, unable to stop the sobs escaping.
Gina instantly rushes to my side and scoops me up in her arms, I hold onto her like a child. "You and Emily, its meant to be, its all going to work out eventually" she strokes my hair as I sob on her shoulder, although I hate being this weak it feels good to let it out and drain my emotions. "Emily is hurt love, you have to be there for her when she decides its time to try again" she pulls back gently and holds my face in her hands. I hate looking her in the eyes because im frightened of disappointment, she didn't raise a liar of a cheat, im all of those things. "Everyone makes mistakes babe, you have a lifetime of more mistakes to make, its part of growing up" she smiles moving the hair stuck to my damp face.
I nod and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand, I return a small smile and let her kiss my forehead. Its times like these when I realise I need my mum around, as annoying and selfish as she can be I love her.
"Now make Emily a cup of tea and take it up to her, show her your trying love" Gina takes her mug from the table and heads back upstairs. I let out a puff of air and ignore the headache building from crying. Mum's right, I have to show Emily im trying to win her back, I have to prove it or she wont believe I want her. I stand up and head towards the kettle.
Hey guys will be updating my other story soon, its just that I moved house and set my computer up with no internet so I have written this new one lol Got the internet back now (Thank god, there's only so much of The L Word and Skins I could watch back to back!) Please review and I will update soon I have a good few chapters already written :) x