Disclaimer: All rights and privileges to Card Captor Sakura and all related art, characters and story are trademarks and property of CLAMP, Nelvana, Kodansha, NEP21, Tokyo Pop and associated parties. The characters of these works are used without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. I, Hally Dang, do not claim Card Captor Sakura and all related art, characters and story as my own property.
One of These Days
by Hally Dang
I didn't notice / but I didn't care / I tried being honest / but that lead me nowhere
"You don't need to explain yourself, Hiiragisawa-san."
He was baffled. He opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again. His eyes searched her face for any intimations of insincerity. "I don't?" he finally asked in an astonished tone.
"No, you don't and I don't want you to," she continued. "Whatever happened, happened. Why do you always want to complicate things, Hiiragisawa-san? It is better this way, for the both of us." She looked down at her hands in front of her. "All right?" she turned away.
He didn't believe her. He leaned back in his chair and peered at her closely. She was staring out the window now and stirring her coffee casually. She looked---if anything---apathetic. The thought worried him greatly. She seemed so cold and so distant today.
"Daidouji-san," he tried again.
She flashed him a brilliant smile. "Isn't Paris beautiful?" she asked, changing the subject deftly. "I had always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower at sunset; to see the way the light slip away from the Paris skyline. And now I have," she threw another glance out the window.
"Did you know, Hiiragisawa-san, that when I was small I had always believed that I would find the one I would love for the rest of my life in Paris? I had always thought that he would be there on top of the Eiffel Tower waiting for me to come to him. So, here I am right across the street from the Eiffel Tower, and he's not there anymore." She laughed lightly. "Maybe I've kept him waiting too long."
He frowned at her sardonic words. He paused. "That's not true, Daidouji-san," he said, his voice was low and unruffled. "I think he's still waiting for you." His eyes held hers for the briefest of moments.
She looked away again. "Don't be silly," she responded. She looked rather rigid. Her eyes flashed with a deep despair. "He was never waiting for me, because he's leaving Paris on Tuesday."
I remember stormy weather / the way the sky looks when it's cold / and you were with me
They met in France.
It was a sort of ironic affair. Both finding each other in the most unlikely of places: Paris, atop the Eiffel Tower. They both found someone who had been absent form their lives for so long. It was odd, for they were in the city of love and both of them had come alone.
Perhaps it was their tragic flaw that had brought them together, or perhaps it was fate. Whatever it was, they found themselves stumbling into something bigger than themselves, something bigger than infinity itself.
They fell in love. It was as simple as that.
if I had known then / that these things happen / would they have happened with you
She stared out the car window as it rained outside. She loved Paris in the rain. All the colors and lights of the city seemed to melt and swirl into an alloy of warm textures. The hues and tints of pavements and buildings seemed to be heightened and accentuated by the moisture. She loved to watch the assortment of umbrellas pass by and vague figures dance with the storm.
She exhaled deeply. This was the way they ended, within the drapery of Paris rain. Funny how she had always thought that she would marry the one she loved most. But now, he was driving her to her hotel and out of her life. They were attending their own funerals.
"Do you like the rain, Hiiragisawa-san?" she suddenly asked without looking at him.
He was silent for a few moments. "Why do you asked?" was his reply.
She laughed lightly. "That's always your problem, Hiiragisawa-san," she said. "You always have to complicate simple things. You are reading too much into it. Why can't you just take it as it is and not think about it?"
She saw his eyes flicker to her in the mirror. "No, I don't like the rain. It's too noisy, too wet," he finally answered. His voice was dry.
"I get it," she asserted. "So you are a snow person. I always thought you were a snow person. You never looked like a rain person anyway." She paused. "I like the rain. I think it's beautiful," she turned to look at the driver. Her voice brimmed with sadness. "You see, Hiiragisawa-san, heaven is crying. For you, for me---for us."
He chuckled. "Now, who's the one reading too much into things?" he asked her playfully.
She did not reply. An uneasy hush hung over them.
"Look, Daidouji-san," he broke the silence. "What we had was amazing. The time we spent here was very special to me. I will always remember you. But we can't go on this way, continuing to live in this illusion. We both need to wake up and return to reality. Our real lives are out there waiting for us."
"No, you mean Kaho-san is out there waiting for you," she snapped acidly. She felt a deep pain in her heart as those words slipped out.
"Daidouji-san, I---"
"Tell me, why is it that you keep your wedding ring in your pocket ever since you met me?" she shot back as anguish flooded her senses. "Tell me why."
She wanted to see him ache.
"Tell me why you continue to see me when you clearly knew that you belonged to Kaho-san? Tell me why you made love to me when you clearly knew that it was wrong," she continued indignantly. Her voice broke. "Tell me why you told me you love me when you had already swore it to someone else? Can you tell me why, Hiiragisawa-san?"
She was utterly broken now. He knew then. He did not hurt her; he had shattered her. She was beyond hurt; she was beyond pain.
Her eyes were red. She stared at him hard. "I know you can't tell me why," her voice was a mere croak. "You don't have any way to explain it away and it's eating you alive, isn't it? The guilt, it's killing you."
He could not answer her. He concentrated on the road ahead of him. It was funny how everything suddenly turned blurry, and he had thought it was only the rain that cried.
if you are losing sleep / forgive me / I just can't keep pretending
He had watched her as she disappeared behind the hotel doors. So, this was what goodbye felt like.
He had been parked in the hotel parking lot for over three hours now, just listening to the rain. He was sitting in the driver seat, staring at the steering wheel as if his future had been written there. He didn't know what to do anymore. Just a few weeks with her, she had undone his very being. She had undone his very conception of time, of life, of love. But was this how it was all supposed to end?
A certain passage kept repeating itself in his mind: "There is a tide in the affairs of men which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries."
It was now or never.
Finally persuaded, he stepped out of the shelter of his car and into the pouring rain. He liked the coldness of the water against his skin. Tonight, he would be cleansed.
He walked in the direction of her hotel.
and I'll take that chance because I just want to breathe / and I won't look back and wonder how it's suppose to be
She was surprised to find him at her door. No, she was more than surprised; she was thoroughly shocked.
He was drenched from head to toe. His hair was wet and stuck to his face. He wore a certain artless expression. He was unusually relaxed. He was free.
"Would it be all right, Tomoyo," he asked listlessly. "If I fell asleep listening to you breathe?"
She felt her knees weaken at his words---the words she had been dying to hear. Her name never sounded so beautiful than when he spoke it. She tightened her grip on the doorframe. Her throat was dry. She didn't know how to react.
She had already decided to let him go. He clearly wanted to have nothing to do with her after their Paris escapade had ended. He already belonged to someone else who wasn't her. She hadn't planed on having an extramarital affair with anyone when she brought the tickets to Paris.
She hated herself everyday since. She hated the fact that she was the other woman. She hated the fact that she was hopelessly in love with a married man. She had enough.
"Do you know why I came to Paris in the first place, Tomoyo?" he asked rhetorically. "My marriage to Kaho wasn't exactly picture perfect, you know. We argue over the small things. It just wasn't working out. She had actually moved out of the house a few months back. One night, I saw her at a restaurant with another man and I knew it was over. So, the next day I brought a one-way ticket to Paris. I needed to be away from her, I needed time and space to think. But then I met you, Tomoyo."
"Why are you telling me this?" she asked harshly. "I don't need this right now."
"Tomoyo, listen to me," he pleaded with her. "I'm going to get a divorce. I understand now, it's all clear to me. I love you and nothing else matters to me anymore. I want to be with you."
She laughed bitterly. "It's too late, Eriol," she said flatly.
He frowned and his face darkened. "What are you talking about?"
"Don't just stand there and pretend that Kaho doesn't mean anything to you. I heard you talking to her on the phone. You were willing to drop everything in Paris to go back to her. You have already brought a train ticket to Belgium so you can meet her. Admit it, you still love Kaho," she said, her voice not betraying any emotion.
"No," he denied. "No. I get it now. I was afraid of change but that doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I'm in love you, Tomoyo, and you only."
She inhaled sharply. "What do you want me to say, Eriol?" she asked.
"I thought you wanted to be with me, Tomoyo," he replied instead.
Her eyes darkened. "Can't you see that you've broken me beyond repair?" she murmured. "I hated myself when I'm with you," she shook her head. "I can't do this. I won't do this. And I'm sorry."
I watched the station / saw the bus pulling through / and I don't mind saying / a part of me left with you
She cried herself to sleep that night. She had thought that being with him was painful and it was funny how being away from him was even more so. She felt as though her heart had been cut in half, and he had taken a part of her when the door shut with him on the other side.
Funny, how things turned out.
She felt numb when she awoke to her empty hotel room. It was strangely dark with the curtains drawn close. She had expected floods of pain, but none of it came. She felt oddly detached, as if she was only a transient passing by.
It was an unfamiliar feeling. She felt remarkably at peace with herself. It was as if for all her life she had been looking at the world through a tinted window, and now she was seeing the true world for the very first time.
Everything was clear now.
"What do you really want, Tomoyo?" she asked herself out loud.
Tuesday morning / in the dark / we were finding out / who we are / who we are
He was humming to himself as he sat in the waiting lounge. It was one of her favorite songs.
Perhaps, this was the way they were supposed to be. He had no regrets. She had ached because of him. Maybe it was better this way, for the both of them. He remembered what she had told him that afternoon. Maybe she was right.
He checked his watch again and realized that his train was to leave in ten minutes. He reluctantly stood up and made his way to the platforms.
At first, he thought he must have been hallucinating. But when he saw her smile at him, he knew she was real, she was tangible. She was standing there, just standing there, with the morning sun streaming down around her. She was beautiful.
"Are you still going to Belgium?" she asked him from the opposite platform.
He shook his head.
She smiled again. "I understand too," she yelled across the train tracks. "I get it, Eriol. I really do."
He was confounded by her words. "What do you mean?" he asked.
A pregnant silence dawned over them. Abruptly, a soft rumbling began as a train started towards them. The ground shook and a thundering whistle sounded. The clamorous sound of the train was deafening.
"Stay with me," she screamed to him but the noise from the coming train drowned out her voice. So she mouthed a silent, "I love you."
Her raven hair flew with the wind of the passing train. Her view of the opposing platform was completely blocked as the freight cars passed by. The sound of the railways was utterly overpowering. She waited for the cars to go by with her heart in her throat. This was her moment of truth and she wished she had more time to explain. She wished he would understand.
It seemed liked an eternity until the cars finally disappeared into yet another low rumbling at her feet. She felt her heart stop. He was not there. The opposite platform was now empty. He had left her.
Maybe they weren't meant to be, maybe it was all just a dream.
She stood motionless. She felt as though time had just passed her by, perhaps it really had this time.
A warm hand reached out to her and pushed a lose strand of ebony hair behind her ear. She felt a comforting breathing against her neck as he engulfed her into a steady hug. It took a moment before she could react to his contiguity.
"Eriol?" she murmured.
"I love you too," he whispered to her ear. "I love you, I love you."
She found tears starting down her cheeks. She cried into his shirt, into his scent. She wrapped her arms around him. She felt an implausible sense of completion. It was joy beyond comprehension. This was her moment of clarity.
He pulled away suddenly. "Let's leave together, Tomoyo."
Her eyes were red from crying and her vision was obscured. But she didn't care. She didn't need to see anymore. She nodded in response. Then, his lips were upon hers. He never tasted so sweet. She never knew how much she needed him.
And she never noticed how achingly blue the sky was that morning; the sky was never so blue, so blue.
one of these days / I won't be afraid of staying with you
Author's Notes: I cannot believe how cliche this entire story is. The old worn out plot line---picturesque meeting in Paris, falling in love, being in denial, and reunion at a train station. Really, I have practically used every mushy move in the book and not to mention how annoyingly long this is. And now I'm making you guys read this vanity filled long author's note.
Goodness, what is this world coming to!
Anyway, despite it all, I feel an undeniable sense of satisfaction with everything. This piece brings me...I suppose, closure. I always seem to end all my stories not really at the end. Because you see, I never knew how to write an ending, well sort of. It's just that with Eriol and Tomoyo, sometimes I write myself into a dead end and I have no way of giving them a proper ending. Hmm, hope that made sense.
Well, I should probably explain myself. I first wanted to write this fic when I was listening to the latest Michelle Branch album, Hotel Paper. In fact the title of this fic and the interludes in between each section are lyrics from the album. The songs I used are "One of These Days," "Tuesday Morning," and "Empty Handed."
This fic was fun to write. I've been so wrapped up in Forsaken lately, that all my writing had turned very redundant and grandiloquent. I've really just enjoyed writing something simple and not as extravagant. It really does bring me a sense of relief.
The quote in the section where Eriol decides to be with Tomoyo was a line from Shakespeare. It is from The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. The line is actually spoken by Brutus, the traitor of Julius Caesar. The line also reflects the theme of betrayal that is dominant throughout this fic. Eriol had betrayed both Kaho and Tomoyo. Kaho had betrayed Eriol. Tomoyo had also, in her own way, betrayed Eriol. But in the end, they were able to forgive each other.
It is also weird, how in this story I'm kind of cheering on adultery. Yes, very weird. Please don't try this at home, kids! Please don't have an affair when you are married. It's wrong, okay? I don't believe in extramarital relationships, but it's Eriol and Tomoyo! Come on, you have got to understand, right?
I also want to point out the theme of uncertainty in this fic. As you have probably noticed, I used the words "maybe" and "perhaps" many times. It is only when one look past all of one's insecurities and doubts that one will be able to find the ultimate truth. Yep, I sound like some old British guy when saying that.
And also, the tone of this fic is largely sardonic, but not in a satirical way. So keep that in mind when trying to understand it.
Anyhow, thank you for reading this ridiculously long fic. And thank you for reading this narcissistically long author's note, too.
I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave a review. Thank you, again, for reading.