E-Mail: kathrynf@gmx.net
Summary: A conversation
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own them, I don't want what you did to them.
Author's Note: Syla is the best when it comes to yelling for more. Period. Uh, maybe I should rephrase that… She knows how to get a writer writing. Though the past months I didn't call myself a writer anymore. I even claimed to be retired. 8) This is for you, hon.
Thank you to Ekein for the beta. And thanks to Coff for all her input! Same goes to Anne, Cimi and Syla.
April 6th, 2002
@ -;-- What if... ? --;- @
Chakotay leaned back to the couch, eying the woman sitting next to him carefully.
"What?" She asked, crooking one eyebrow at him.
"I was just wondering," he smiled.
"Wondering what?" She leaned forward with anticipation.
"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if life hadn't turned out the way it did?"
"You mean the *what if* questions?" Kathryn sighed. "Yes, I thought about them numerous time. Name one," she challenged him.
"What if Riker had taken command of Voyager?" he prompted.
Kathryn shuddered involuntarily. "I would still be on Earth, or on some other mission on some other ship in the Alpha Quadrant. Maybe I'd be dead already given the Dominion war and all those bad things that happened back home…"
At that, Chakotay shuddered.
She continued, "And I would be married to Mark by now. I am not even sure I would be happy. Maybe I'd have a child or two. I don't know. But it just wouldn't be the same."
"Are you saying that you don't want to live like that? Married, with children?"
"I am saying that sometimes I'd be tempted to change my life to what it could have been, but most of the times I am just glad I took the choices I took back then. I took command of Voyager and without knowing it signed on to the journey of a lifetime."
"Literally," he added.
"Literally," she agreed. "But we're working on it."
"That we are," he grinned.
"My turn," she prompted, leaning back in a similar fashion he had earlier. In order to grant herself some time to think she took a few sips of coffee, planning her next step. An evil grin spread across her features as she made up her mind.
"What would have happened to me and my crew if Voyager had been the destroyed ship, not the Liberty?"
"Oh yes, the one question you have never answered. Would you have served under me?" His evil grin matched hers.
"Oh no, no wiggling out of that one. It was my question and you answer it."
Chakotay sighed, "Are you ever going to answer that one? I doubt it. As for your question. It's likely that we'd never survived long enough to face the Borg. The Kazon would have killed us off soon enough. But if we'd survived-" he let his mind wander for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I think I'd have made you first officer. It would have been one hell of a ride. One I'd have truly enjoyed. I don't need to be in command, but it would have made things… interesting to say it that way."
"Interesting? Do elaborate." Kathryn grinned.
"No. I answered your question. My turn," he smiled, sipping at his cup as if to make a point.
She sighed. "Okay, go ahead."
"New Earth," he challenged, knowing this would be a delicate topic.
She groaned, but met his gaze. "Go ahead."
"What if we hadn't been bitten by those bugs?"
Kathryn looked at him with her mouth agape. Of all the questions she wouldn't have imagined that one. She felt a pang of sadness that he didn't go for it, after all. "Well, we would have never ended up stranded there, never gotten as close as we did. Although I hope we'd gotten good friends anyways, but I doubt it would have been on this level. You know the *I know exactly what you're thinking* level. Do I make sense? Anyway, those weeks on New Earth made me a better person. It was good to be Kathryn again and it was good to let go of everything for a while and simple be with a man I… had come to care a lot about."
She was good, he thought, she was good at wheedling out of questions. And still, it touched him. He braced himself for her next question. Something told him she'd not let go that easily.
"What if I wouldn't have tensed when you gave me that massage and brushed that kiss along my hair."
He gulped audibly. "You noticed? You felt that?"
She waved her hand at him. "Your hands stilled and my alarm bells kicked in. And then I could feel it. Your breath on my skalp."
Chakotay closed his eyes. "So that's why you pulled back."
"Yes," she answered.
Was that a little bit of remorse in her voice or did he imagine it?
"You haven't answered my question, Chakotay," she stated, her voice urging him to say something.
"You have no idea how often I have dreamed about it," he could see the scene playing in front of his eyes as he described it. "I would have placed another kiss onto your hair, breathed its scent in to never again forget it, and then, maybe, just maybe you would have turned around slightly, looking into my eyes and you would have kissed me, lightly, your lips just brushing against mine. And then you would pull back and tell me that it was time to go to bed. Wishing me a good night. Leaving me standing there clueless, wondering if it had just been my imagination or if it had really happened."
Kathryn had closed her eyes as well while was describing the scene and opened them slowly to be met by his brown orbs. "Your turn," she finally grinned, trying her best to break the tension that seemed to make the air between them sparkle.
"Let's see. What would have happened if Tuvok had showed up only a few weeks, maybe months later?"
"You mean, what would have happened if Tuvok had been only a day late?"
Chakotay gulped. "It was this close?"
Kathryn smiled at his reaction, and nodded, "yes, it was. I think things would have been different even if he had been only an hour late. We were fooling around. The boat you wanted to build for me. You said something about the bathtub missing and I was about to answer that you'd have to be in that lake with me to make sure no primates would kidnap me. Then I would have leaned in to you and kissed you lightly, asking you if you would like that. You would have answered.."
"Yes, I would like that a lot, Kathryn," he whispered, his voice filled with passion.
"And I would have kissed you again, telling you that I'd appreciate that."
"And I would have told you that I would protect you, stand by your side and make your burden lighter. Always. I would love you, always."
"And I would tell you that I love you, too…"
"And I would sweap you off your feet and carry you into my room."
"Chakotay," she scolded him, "taking things too fast could destroy everything."
"Kathryn, your mind is way too dirty. I would have carried you to my bed, and kissed you again and again and again. Then I would have held you tightly and I would have never ever let you go again. We would have been asleep in one another's arms when Tuvok's call reached us."
"And we wouldn't have been answering. Worried for our safety, but never admitting it, he would have sent someone down to the planet…"
"Finding us in a lover's embrace. There would have been no way of hiding it afterwards. We would have been a couple, lovers and the whole ship would have known."
Kathryn sighed, her eyes still holding his. "I would have liked that."
He knew that he didn't have to tell her that he felt the same. "Your turn, Kathryn," he breathed.
"Let me think about it for a moment," she smiled. "The last one was a tough one. I have to torture you a little." She set the coffee cup onto the table, thinking about what was to come next.
"What if I had really died that day when this entity tried to persuade me to let go of my life, what would you have said at my memorial service?"
Chakotay shuddered, trying to shake the mental image she created. "I, I don't know. I don't know if I would have been able to say anything. I don't even know if I would have been there. I, I think I would have died with you. I don't think I would have been able to say anything. I really don't want this mental picture, Kathryn. I have never been that scared for your life. I was holding you in my arms and you were slipping away from me, dying. There was nothing I could do but hold you in my arms, trying to resurrect you," he stuttered.
Kathryn already regretted having asked the question in the first place. She reached over to brush the tears away that were running down his face. Suddenly, she found herself pressed against his body. He had wrapped his arms around her and pulled her towards him, settling himself on the sofa, her body sprawled across his.
He buried his face in her hair, trying to regain his composure, loving to feel her this close. She hadn't pulled back, she had just relaxed into his embrace, their hearts beating in unison.
"My turn, isn't it?" He finally managed to whisper.
"Yes," she answered.
"What if you had been the one instead of B'Elanna? The time she got Pon Farr?"
Kathryn gulped, raising her head to glare at him. "I am so not gonna answer this one."
"Why not?"
"Well, I have no idea what would have happened if my hormones had run wild. Maybe Tuvok would have had to run for his life."
"I am serious here, Kathryn," Chakotay tried his best to conceil the grin that threatened to spread across his face at the image of Kathryn chasing after Tuvok.
"Okay, what if I'd say that you would have had a very hard time to keep me away from you?"
"It might have destroyed our friendship."
"Yes, it might have," Kathryn sighed. "I mean, just imagine me coming out of it, being ashamed, very ashamed I let my control slip. I mean, I don't know if I would have been able to face you, or the crew afterwards. I know, my behaviour wouldn't have been my fault, but still, knowing that the whole crew knew about my feelings for you before I actually had a chance to tell you about it…" She let her voice trail off, as she saw the look on his face. What was it? Hurt? Love? She couldn't pinpoint it.
"You're right," he simply stated. "It would have been odd. When I start a relationship with you I don't want it to be because of some Vulcan Pon Farr. I want it to be based on years of frustrated courting and love."
"Years of frustrated courting?" She challenged him.
"How would you describe the past years?" He smiled, letting his hand travel upwards to cup her face.
Leaning into his touch, she nodded. "Yes. You're right. I am sorry for being such a pain. My turn."
"You're certainly one to change topics fast, my dear," he grinned.
"Got a problem with that? Let's see. The day I got the letter from Mark. What would have happened if Harry hadn't called us to the bridge?"
"Well, a second later you would have been in my arms and I would have hugged you, tightly, I guess. I would have made you see that you are not alone, and that you could always come to me and talk about it if you chose to."
"Quite a passionate speech, mister."
"It's what I wanted to do most that moment," he admitted, then grinned wickedly. "My turn."
"Should I be scared?"
"You should. Let's see… Safety net. What would have happened if Neelix hadn't interrupted us?"
She raised her head from his chest. "Ack! You're bad."
"Never doubt it, Janeway."
"Never did, never will. Okay, let's see…" Kathryn let her head drop again, letting her hands carress his sides.
"This distraction will get you nowhere, you know?" Chakotay grinned, daring her to go on.
"No? Are you sure of that?" She smiled teasingly. Pulling herself up and sliding upwards until her head was hovering inches above his. He gasped as her body slipped along his.
"Yes," he managed, "I am sure."
"Then what about this?" Her lips descended onto his, nibbling softly, before retreating again.
"You will have to answer this one, love, as much as I love you doing this… you will answer."
"Okay," she sighed. "What was that stupid *there's still plenty of time* line all about? I know you were telling me that you were willing to wait as long as it would take. But still, couldn't you have just once kissed me senseless to let me know that I would never be alone?"
Chakotay stared at her, his mouth agape. "You wanted me to kiss you senseless?"
"Sheesh, I was sitting there, talking about a safety net gone, a reason I kept to stop myself from falling into your arms. And are you telling me that I wasn't giving you the perfect excuse to take a step forward and just take things into your hands?"
"Okay, so I was stupid. Next time just be a little bit less cryptic, okay? Just say, *kiss me, Chakotay* and I will be more than happy to do as ordered."
"Okay, okay. My turn, Commander."
"Oh, we're back to Commander, hmm?" He teased.
"What if I'd order you to kiss me right now?" She asked.
"Well, do you want me to kiss you right now, Kathryn?" Chakotay grinned, his hands tangling in her hair, guiding her head down. When their lips were almost touching, he stopped, waiting for her response.
"Nah," Kathryn finally stated.
"Nah?" His eyes snapped open to meet hers. He hadn't even realized he had closed them in anticipation of what had been to come. "Oh well, my turn." He grinned evilly, deciding he would have to get her for that one. "What if I had taken your mating behaviour question as shameless flirting?"
"You mean, you didn't?"
"Are you trying to tell me it was?"
"Sheesh, Chakotay, it slipped out, okay? Normally, I would have never said such thing on the bridge. For an expert in mating behaviour you have been quite oblivious to it the past years."
He glared at her. "Remember the Talaxian colony? What if Neelix had decided to stay behind a few weeks ago?" Chakotay asked desperately trying to change the topic.
Kathryn smiled at him. "Technically, I don't have to answer this one, you know. It's my turn."
"Oh, come on," he prompted.
"It. Is. My. Turn," she insisted, daring him to object. "So… What if I had made you tell what you lived through, you know, the lightning rod day? What would you have told me."
"Sneaky, Kathryn. Very sneaky."
"Of course. I am trying my best. What happened to you back then?"
"I met your counterpart, younger counterpart. And that's all I am going to say."
"Did you sleep with her?"
He looked at her in shock. "No. Of course not. Sheesh, Kathryn, who do you think I am?"
"Sorry, Chakotay. You are not going to tell me anything else, are you?"
"No."
"Your turn, then."
He eyed her carefully. She had given in way too soon. Shrugging, he decided that he would find out about that soon enough. "Okay. What if I had lost my memory too. You know, on the planet, Jaffen…"
"Tough one. Would I have ended up moving in with you instead of with him?"
"Would you?"
"I don't know. He was quite the charmer… But seeing that Tom and B'Elanna hit it off as well, I'd say… It is possible."
He looked at her quizzically. "Possible?"
"Okay, okay," she laughed. "It's probable."
He smiled, satisfied with that answer.
Kathryn laughed, "I really got you there, didn't I?"
"You're one wicked, mean person, Kathryn," he chuckled.
"Got a problem with that?" She asked, tilting her head to one side as she smiled at him.
He shook his head, finally rising his head to mend their lips. He let his lips brush across hers briefly before pulling away again, resting his head back on the sofa.
"Is that what you call a kiss?" She scolded him.
"Well, what if I said yes to that?" He challenged.
"I'd say, we need to practise more often. Constantly. Can't let you stay that uneducated, can I?"
"And when will we begin that practice, Kathryn?" Chakotay grinned.
"Wipe that grin off your face, mister, we're talking about hard work here. Work that shouldn't be postponed, not for a second."
"Aye ma'am," he whispered, and pulled her down to him again. After what seemed an eternity they broke apart for air. "One last question, Kathryn. What would have happened if I had landed in your bathtub instead of Q?"
The End.