Title: A Normal Life
Rating: K+
Summary: Susan longs for a normal life. The TARDIS materialises on Ramsay Street. But life there is anything but normal. Neighbours crossover. Looslely based on a dream I had.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who or Neighbours.
Author's Note: Okay, so I had a dream involving Susan and Neighbours. This fic has basically no plot, it's just a chance for me to poke fun at the show I watch, coz I know it's crap. I've also mixed up some parts of the Neighbours continuity a little bit, but I want you to know this now - everything I say in this fic actually happened.
A Normal Life
Susan looked at the Doctor over the central console of the TARDIS, and sighed.
"What's wrong, my child?" asked the Doctor.
"Oh Grandfather," said Susan. "You know I love you. And you know I love travelling with you. It's just that sometimes I wish I could live a normal life. In a normal house. On a normal street. With normal friends." The Doctor sighed.
"I understand Susan," he said. "It must be hard for someone your age having to move around so much. But I want you to know that I really appreciate your company. Other than the TARDIS, you're all I've got to remind me of home." He gave Susan a squeeze. Just then, Ian and Barbara came out.
"What's going on?" asked Ian.
"Nothing my dear boy," said the Doctor. "We're just having a bit of a talk." Barbara smiled her approval, but was suddenly thrown to the side as the TARDIS lurched into action. The engines sounded loudly as the ship flew through the time vortex, before finally materialising. Everyone got up off the ground.
"Are you all right Barbara?" Ian asked.
"Fine, thank you," said Barbara. "Susan? Doctor?"
"Fine, my dear," assured the Doctor. "But where are we?" He switched on the scanner, which showed a nice little street and a small number of houses.
"How about that Susan," he said, giving his granddaughter a nudge. "We seem to have materialised in an average street. What do you say we take a look at the life you were pondering?"
"Grandfather, there's no real need," said Susan.
"Nonsense my child!" insisted the Doctor. "One must always try to investigate such matters. Let's find out about this area, eh?" Susan nodded, so the Doctor opened the doors, and they all wandered out.
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It was a tranquil little street they'd landed in. All the houses were picture perfect, with neat little gardens.
"So exactly where are we Doctor?" asked Ian. The Doctor looked around for a moment, then gave a smile of satisfaction.
"Ramsay Street," he declared, pointing to a street sign. "And what a lovely little place it is too." The others nodded in agreement. They looked around, and noticed an elderly man with a noticeable double chin doing some gardening. The man looked up and, having noticed them, made his way over to them.
"Excuse me," he said. "Where did that police box come from?"
"Hmm?" said the Doctor. "Oh, that. Er, it's from the … council."
"But police boxes haven't been around for years!" exclaimed the man.
"It's a reintroduction," piped up Ian. "Um, exactly how long has it been since police boxes were around?"
"Well, they were in the 50s and 60s, so at least 40 years," said the man. "But we never even had them in Australia."
"Australia, yes, of course," said the Doctor, finally realising where they were. "Anyway, enough talk of police boxes. Er, may I enquire your name?"
"I'm Harold Bishop," said the man. "And you are?" Barbara stepped forward.
"This is Susan and her grandfather the Doctor," she said. "I'm Barbara Wright, and that's Ian Chesterton."
"We're Susan's teachers," added Ian.
"Right," said Harold uncertainly. "And what are you all doing here?"
"Well you see my dear fellow …" began the Doctor, "…we've been travelling for quite a while now, and were wondering what it would be like to settle down for a while."
"Getting a bit old for it, eh?" said Harold.
"Actually it's me who was considering the change," said Susan. "If Grandfather had his way we'd never stop moving."
"Yes, it's strange how different we are from our grandparents," commented Harold. "Take my granddaughter Sky. She's passionate, artistic and extremely strong-hearted. She's also a wonderful mother, which is quite a feat for a 19-year-old. And the fact that she's done it all while coping with the death of her baby's uncle who she fell in love with after breaking up with the actual father is just amazing, don't you think?" The Doctor, Susan, Ian and Barbara exchanged glances.
"Um…" began Ian, but he was luckily saved as a teenage boy and girl walked past, which caught Harold's attention.
"Oh hello Rachel, Zeke," he said, addressing the teens. "Where are you off to?"
"The hospital," replied Zeke.
"Oh, anything wrong?" asked Harold.
"Katya's landed herself in another coma," said Rachel, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, so nothing serious then," said Harold, which received a widening of the eyes from the Doctor. "Hey, tell me how Oliver is, will you?"
"Who's Oliver?" asked the Doctor.
"He's a very nice lad who's right now recovering from donating a kidney to his father," said Harold.
"Wow, what a noble thing to do!" exclaimed Susan.
"Absolutely," said Harold. "Now once his father's recovered he'll be tried for assaulting and stalking his ex-girlfriend, Oliver's mother." He then turned to Rachel and Zeke. "Okay, see you kids later then."
"See ya Harold," said Zeke. The kids wandered off.
"Ah, they're such nice children," said Harold. "They've fit into the street so easily."
"Why shouldn't they have?" asked Barbara.
"Well, they live with their stepmother. Her name's Susan too," explained Harold. "Their father passed away on the night he and her got married. But Rachel and Zeke do have a father figure. Luckily Susan got back together with her ex-husband Karl. He used to be a doctor, then he was in a children's band, then he was a hippie, I don't really know what he does now … But it's lovely that they're back together. I was surprised that Susan forgave him for leaving her for a conniving young woman. Then for a time he went out with a politician who had a thing for nudist swimming pools. But Susan had her share of relationships in their time apart too, including one where a priest fell in love with her and he left the church for her … oh look, here she comes now." Harold waved at the woman who was approaching them now.
"Hello Susan," he said cheerfully.
"Hi Harold," said Susan K (the one from Neighbours). "What's all this?"
"Oh, the police box is from the council," said Harold. "And this is the Doctor, Ian, Barbara, and Susan. They're interested in settling down, and want to get to know what a normal life's like."
"Really?" said Susan K. "What have you been up to?"
"Travelling," said Susan.
"Oh that's lovely," said Susan K. "I went to England quite recently, you know. That was where Karl and I got remarried … and where we met Karl's ex-girlfriend and he helped deliver the child they conceived together. Isabelle was quite professional about the whole thing, you know. She even made me the baby's godmother! Anyway … I've gotta get going. See you later." She walked past the TARDIS, the paused and turned. "You know, that police box really isn't doing it for me. I think I'll ask Steph to raise it at the next council meeting."
"Who's Steph?" Ian asked Harold.
"She's a member of this street that successfully made it into the council," said Harold proudly. "She also used to have breast cancer, she rides a motorbike and she has a young son. She used to have a couple of stepkids too, but she broke up with their father after he went crazy and abandoned her."
"He literally went crazy?" said Barbara.
"One of the residents, Elle Robinson, drove him to madness, I can't actually remember why now," said Harold. "Oh well. But you know, the Robinsons have been the cause of so much drama. For example, Paul's son Robert posed as his twin Cameron so that he could get up to a bunch of evil doings…"
"An evil twin," muttered Ian to Barbara.
"… and he tried to kill Paul. See, it turned out he was the cause of the plane crash that my son, daughter-in-law and other granddaughter were killed in, which makes me feel a little guilty for trying to strangle Paul after it happened … luckily he got amnesia after the removal of his brain tumour, so he can't remember it. It's also caused him to stop being evil, which is a pleasant change."
"But … amnesia's extremely rare!" exclaimed the Doctor.
"Oh no, not at all," said Harold. "Susan and I have had it as well." The Doctor and his companions couldn't believe their ears. Just then the rest of the residents came out of their homes and walked up to them.
"Hi!" they all said. "Who are you?"
"Possibly new residents," said Harold excitedly.
"Oo!" exclaimed Pepper, the ditzy blonde. "Do you want to ask us anything?"
"Isn't life on this street unbearable with all this drama?" asked Barbara.
"Oh I don't think so," said Harold. "Amidst all the affairs, blackmail, murder, lying, cheating and divorce, we're all really good friends. It's when neighbours are there for one another that good neighbours become good friends, you know." Behind him, various residents put their arms round one another. "And I think it's a fair statement that our humble little street is a good representation of a normal life." The others nodded in unison, their smiles wide. The TARDIS crew just stood their, gaping. Finally, the Doctor spoke.
"Fascinating," he said. "Er, would you excuse us a moment?" With that he turned and took out the TARDIS key.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hurry up Grandfather!" Susan exclaimed.
"It's not working!" cried the Doctor. "Ian, Barbara, hold down those switches!" Ian and Barbara hastily ran around the central console and pressed the switches the Doctor had indicated. They heard a knock on the door of the TARDIS, and watched the residents on the scanner screen.
"What are you all doing in there?" asked Harold from the outside. "It must be awfully squashed."
"Please don't go!" pleaded Ringo, the teenage boy whose siblings all had Beatles names. "I want Susan to be my new girlfriend!" Bridget the tomboy then stepped forward.
"I've got a kangaroo I could show you!" she tempted. Carmella, the young woman whose father was in the mafia, ran by.
"I'm on drugs!" she exclaimed. At last, the comforting sound of the TARDIS engines drowned out the neighbours' cries, and the TARDIS dematerialised. All the residents looked around in confusion.
"Where did they go?" wondered Frazer, who was paralysed but miraculously recovered, not unlike the amazing recovery made by Stuart, who was blind for a time.
"Oh well," said Pepper. "Pool party at my place, even though the temperature's only 13 degrees Celsius!" There was a cheer from the crowd.
"And then we could drink some champagne, even though there's absolutely nothing to celebrate!" added Boyd, who'd gone from being a bodybuilder on steroids to a medical student. As they all walked off, Harold stood there, and thought to himself, "Who wouldn't want to live here?"
The End
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Well, that ended up being longer than I anticipated. Please review!