A seven-part fic based on a soppy Tumblr post about kisses and their meanings (actually there were eight but kissing fictional characters through a computer screen is too desperate, even for me). Also a week-long writing exercise to take a break from academic articles, minutes and agendas.-Minerva
It was all her fault and she knew it, but forgiveness had never come easy to ever; not even to herself. Sarah liked to pretend she was a calm, calculated woman, and up to a certain degree she definitely was, but not when matter of the heart were concerned. Her temper could take her over completely at the worst of times, this had been one. She had unjustly lashed out once more against her Ladyship and was dreading the consequences anxiously, attempting to distract herself by doing all the sewing and mending she could find. Unfortunately, as she liked to stay on top of matters it wasn't an awful lot, not by far enough to distract her from that one particular memory she was so desperately trying to suppress. Her stomach lurched as she recalled one of the most horrid decisions she had ever made, she hadn't been a kind person and never minded it, but for once she wished she were.
It was that one wretched afternoon in June when jealousy had gotten the better of her and she had first lashed out against her mistress and caused the death of an innocent child and immeasurable pain to the countess; both mentally and physically. She thought she had started her divine retribution after assisting her whilst giving birth to the dead child which lasted for more than six hours. Sarah had never been faint-hearted, but it had been gruelling and for the first time in her life she had thought she might actually faint. As her Ladyship held onto her, she felt her heart being wrangled in her chest. They had cried next to each other, Cora with loud heartbreaking sobs, Sarah with silent tears streaking her face unnoticed by anyone. But it had been arrogance to think that that was even the start of her atonement. The evening after the garden party had been when she had learned what true remorse was. She had been readying her Ladyship for bed, undoing the pins in her hair and softly massaging her head to make her as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. As she was done tying the ribbon of the braid, her hands had lingered on her Ladyship's shoulders, squeezing them softly. She didn't want to go until she was dismissed, sensing that her mistress might need the presence for a little longer.
The countess had turned around, taken Sarah's hand into her own and looked at her with the same combination of suffering and gratitude she had shown her maid earlier that day during the garden party. Without a word she led them towards the sofa and sat down, her body void of the elegance it usually possessed. Lady Grantham had put her hand on Sarah's shoulder and slowly pushed her down onto the sofa, until she was sitting next to her, facing up at her mistress and staring into the crystal blue eyes carrying a crushing sense of defeat and guilt. Sarah knew that the woman blamed herself for losing the boy, a realization that crippled her; causing a deep and painful stab in her chest. Sarah cast her eyes downwards, the feelings she had tried to keep concealed during the day threatening to overcome her, knowing she had no right to cry next to this woman, when she was the miserable cow that was the source of it all. Still not speaking, Lady Grantham took her maid's hands in her own, enveloping the rough and worn fingers with her own softer ones, and leant forward as she softly kissed her maid's brow.
"Thank you… Sarah. Not as a maid, but as my dear friend and confidante, I fear I would not have been able to manage anything the last week without your relentless aid and support" she now whispered as tears began to well up.
Sarah tightly gripped the hands holding her own and looked up, fighting her back her own tears now, as she answered "Anything for you m'lady" and with that held her mistress' shaking body as she silently sobbed against her shoulder.