Disclaimer: Possessions are the root of all evil, give them all away. (I own jack, but I am still evil).
Author's note: The day Neela appeared in ER I loved her, and I'm pretty sure Ray wasn't far behind me.
Ray had seen her smile for the first time he could remember since Michael's death, a genuine happy smile. He should be delighted for her but he isn't, She's smiling at Tony Gates.
He is sure that the new intern has merely cracked some hackneyed joke or something but she is smiling at him and it is tearing Ray apart.
Gates really seems like an okay kind of guy but Ray doesn't like him. Ray would love to be able to give a good reason but he knows it's just the fact that Neela scarcely registers Ray's presence while she smiles and laughs with Gates. He is jealous. He misses her smile. He misses everything about her.
He had thought if he just gave her the time and space she needed eventually things would be like they had once before, they could be friends again, he had hoped they could be more but even friends was preferable to the dull ache he feels at her absence.
She says, "Hi ray" sometimes as she passes him, She never stops to talk, and in truth she only says hi if she can't avoid him.
If he needs a surgical consult she keeps it strictly professional.
He told her once he missed her, the uncomfortable silence after his statement had convinced him he would never say it again, no matter how true it was.
"Ray, we've got a 14 year old skateboarder verses oldie in a truck" Sam broke into his all to disheartening thoughts.
He happily took the kid leaving Pratt to pick up the cantankerous old guy who Ray could hear grumbling non stop." Damn kid just come out of nowhere, menaces with their gangs and their skateboards".
"Hey, there I'm Dr Barnett, you got a name kid?" the fourteen year old seemed a little shook up and had a nasty laceration down his leg but otherwise didn't seem too damaged.
"Matt, Matt Halliday. I wasn't in the road stupid old guy mounted the curb, broke my damn board" he sighed. Ray knew the feeling; you got used to people judging you for your image, All skaters were good for nothing punks, All rockers were undependable animals.
"Well the board looks like its toast but I think I can fix you up" He smiled down at matt.
Ray had moved from one patient to another all shift without once having to call for a surgical consult, He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed to have not run into Neela since he'd seen her with Gates.
"Hey Ray you off now?" Pratt called across the ER as he passed.
"Yeah I'm beat, man" He called back slipping his coat on.
"Oh right it don't matter then" He said disappointment evident in his tone; Ray gave him a questioning look. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab a drink at Ikes, but it don't matter" He shrugged.
"Okay man, who needs sleep anyway" Ray grinned, mentally adding 'who wants to go back to an empty apartment where every time you try and sleep all you can think about is her' He really could do with one or two or several beers to get the image of her perfect smile out of his head.
"Easy for you to say you're not on tomorrow" Luka laughed in Ray's direction as they headed out the door.
There was a time when Ray would relish a day off but lately all they meant was a chance to sleep in and avoid bumping into Neela.
He knew he should have gone when Pratt left, but he didn't relish the thought of going to his now far too spacious apartment, plus a couple more drinks and he might be anaesthetized enough to not care about it anymore.
Two drinks later he didn't have much choice in the matter when Dave the barman firmly but apologetically informed him he was cutting him off.
"Go home Ray, get some sleep" The barman sighed as if he could see right through him, but then everybody knew what was wrong with him didn't they. God and he thought that he had hidden his feelings for her so well. He was such a loser.
"Easier said than done man," He said self-pityingly.
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