That cloth veil.
I stumbled upon this new home,
I thought it impossible to ever have this again.
The warmth enveloped me like a blanket well worn but just as warm as before, or the tickle of sun rays from those days you wish you could relive.
Only this was new, and welcoming.
And I was more than ready to delve in.
I recognized it right away.
But I might have welcomed myself too soon.
The laughs, the smiles, the hours spent chatting, and the unmatchable safety,
I was so carried away with it all.
Recently… I've found people to smile back less.
to speak briefly, efficiently, and only with me, who was always the instigator.
But the blanket was so warm before I clung to it determined that it would bring me warmth again.
And it did,
At least I say it did.
It's tattered and worn to threads,
When my glance falls through the holes worn through,
And the light catches my face,
I see things…..
Faces, expressions, sighs and gestures,
the ones that resemble parasitic memories and nightmares I could recite by heart.
I clench the cloth harder pulling the crumpled thing to my face,
I smile wider, laugh harder, talk louder, and repeat over and over again in my head that it's just my imagination and residual fear from those days.
I joke, I laugh, I act goofy, immature and naive, I make mistakes on purpose so I can play them off like I don't care.
And I cling so tightly to that tattered cloth, pulling it over my desperately squeezed shut eyes, cover my head with blankets and tell myself it's not there, act like you don't see it and the monsters go away.
That's what we tell ourselves, right?
Over and over again because it has to be true.
It needs to be true.
Because there is no such thing as monsters,
There's no such thing as liars,
As patronizers,
Who you thought were friends.
Because if you can't see it, it's not there.
Because maybe, just maybe, if you fill all that awkward silence, and make up for their lack of laughs, smiles, and talking, maybe it'll be okay,
maybe it'll be like before,
Like you thought it was.
Because you just can't lose another home.
Not again.