- This story takes place about eight months after Emma's birth, and Monica and Chandler have been trying to get pregnant, but to no avail.

-This is my first friends fanfiction, although I've been writing ER fanfiction for a few years. So yeah, hopefully you guys will like it :)

- As always, I don't own the characters. Never have. Never will.

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Honestly For You

By Breigh

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She didn't need to look, although she found herself doing it anyway. She knew what the answer was, it was what it always was. It'd gotten into this mundane routine, this situation where every time she even thought that maybe, possibly it had happened, she was scared to death because she knew that it wasn't true. She got her hopes up momentarily only to have them crushed again - and she knew it.

With a deep breath she looked quickly, and the all too familiar single blue line caught her eye. She paused for a minute, throwing it into the trash and then letting her head fall into her hands. Somewhere inside she knew that the right reaction would be to cry - again. But she couldn't. She didn't have any more tears to spare, and she was almost numb to it at this point.

She sighed slowly before opening the door to the bathroom, seeing him stand before her as he always did. He was sporting a wonderful case of bed head, his glasses, a pair of boxers and a tee-shirt. This was how it always was - she thought maybe, just possibly it had happened, she'd rush in alone, afraid to let him be there, and she would come out to find him standing with anticipation before her. It was late this time though, usually it was in the morning, or after dinner, but this time it was nearly 2 am.

"Mon," He started and she shrugged gently, crossing her arms across her chest. She didn't speak, but the ironic smile on her face spoke a thousand words. "Honey, sweetie..." He stumbled for words, but like all the times before they were far and few between. He knew how badly she wanted this, how long she had yearned for this, and now he felt as though it was his responsibility to give it to her. But he couldn't. The one thing she'd ever asked of him, the one thing she wanted he was unable to provide - and that in itself left him speechless.

"I'm tired." She sniffed gently before walking past him into their bedroom.

"Monica, do you want to talk about this?" He followed her as she walked into the bedroom and dropped her robe to the floor. "Mon, we should talk about this." He said after receiving no reply.

"There's nothing to talk about." She proceeded towards the bed and then got in, pulling the blankets up to just under her chin.

"But I think there is. You always say I never want to talk -" He walked slowly to the bed and climbed up next to her. "Honey." He spoke softly as she lay with her back facing him. "Monica, I'm so sorry." He whispered gently as he rubbed her back slowly and then bent down and delicately kissed her cheek.

Monica said nothing, staring at the walls, every now and again closing her eyes tightly to prevent the tears from falling. She didn't know if she could do it anymore, or if she wanted to do it anymore for that matter. Each time she was filled with some twisted kind of hope, which was quickly followed by an aggravating depression.

Slowly Chandler lay down next to her and wrapped his arms around her, although she was still facing away from him. He covered the back of her neck with kisses as he rubbed her gently.

"Stop." Chandler pulled back immediately as Monica threw the blankets off and then continued to get back out of bed. He sat silently, watching as she grabbed a sweatshirt and pair of his pajama pants and slipped them on. "I need to get out of here."

Her mind went blank, the hurt look on his face was something she was unable to process. She didn't know what to do anymore. What she wanted was something that was beginning to seem near impossible to attain.

"Monica, please don't do this. We can talk about this, or we can..." He swallowed hard, not knowing what else to say. He watched as over the last 8 months she fell apart completely. Her stability, her liveliness, and her hope were all something that he'd missed. Her motions became almost mechanic, and he knew what was always on her mind. And he tried - he prayed for the first time in years, he actually cared about this more than anything, and he really, really wanted nothing more than to give her the only thing she'd ever asked for.

"I don't want to talk about this." She grabbed the bridge of her nose, stopping for a minute before turning and heading out of the bedroom.

"Don't leave Mon, honey, please don't leave." He cleared his throat as he followed her out of the room and to the door. "Maybe we need to see a doctor. I'm sure I could ask around and find some specialists."

"I don't want you to ask around." She shook her head, almost embarrassed by the situation.

"Or there's adoption, you know there's -" He realized that he had picked the wrong words only after he'd said them.

"I want *our* baby. I want to - " She broke down completely now, no longer able to avoid the tears as they came at full force.

"Shhh. God Monica, I know, I know." He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head softly. "I know what you want, and I'm sorry, I just...It's going to happen." He spoke softly.

"I'm sorry for putting you through this. I-I..." She paused, releasing a strangled sob, and allowing herself to settle in his arms, taking from them whatever comfort she was able to find.

"Don't be sorry."

"I know you're just doing this because I want it, and just thank you for-"

"No. No, Monica I'm doing this because I want it too. I honestly do." He swore to her. "But, it's just - " Chandler felt her freeze in his arms, and he knew that she was scared of what he was about to say next. "Mon," She didn't change her position, feeling safe in the solace of his arms. "Monica." He stepped back and looked her over. Her eyes were bright red, her cheeks tearstained and her eyes lost their shine, their hope, and in their place was a look of all out desperation.

"I'm sorry." She repeated again, just soft enough for him to hear.

Chandler's head fell in unison with his heart, and he took a step back from Monica as he scratched at the back of his neck. "C'mon." The word mixed with a defeated sigh as he grabbed his wife's hand and led her over to the couch in the middle of the apartment.

"Why? Why do we even try anymore?" She stopped just short of the couch, again overwhelmed with the reality she was facing. Their life had begun to revolve around it - Her thoughts depended upon it and it monopolized who she was, what she did, and how she felt. Sex was no longer for the passion, for the love, but rather for the sole purpose of a baby. It had been stripped of everything so sacred and brought down to a monotonous act of procreation.

Again, Chandler let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his eyes with both hands as he did so.

"I'm driving you crazy, aren't I?" She didn't even look at him, instead she looked towards the window, out across the dark ally and at the little light coming from Ross and Rachel's apartment.

Emma must have been up.

Chandler followed her gaze until he realized what she was looking at and forced himself to look away. He couldn't take what this was doing to her - to them. All she wanted was a baby - a baby for Christ sake, and attainment of that was seemingly impossible. And it wasn't fair, the long nor the short of it. Monica wanted a baby since forever, and now that they were finally ready they found it near impossible to get pregnant - Rachel and Ross sleep together one night and nine months later they have Emma.

"You're not driving me crazy." He assured her.

"Then what, Chandler?" Monica watched as Chandler fidgeted, obviously hiding something. It boggled her mind, really, how he could have wanted a baby so horribly just months ago, but it seemed as though as the months went on he managed to loose all interest. "You said you wanted this, and now you're - "

"I want it Monica, I really, really do. But-"

"But what?!" She cut in, not allowing him to finish.

"Sit down, please." He motioned towards the couch. "Please." He almost whispered.

Monica wiped the last few tears from her eyes, making room for the fresh tears which were bound to fall. Crossing her arms across her chest she walked over and sat down on the couch. Chandler followed, in suit, and instead sat himself across from her on the edge of the light-wood coffee table.

He cleared his throat as he reach for her hand, interlocking their fingers before bringing her hand to his lips to kiss gently.

"I love you." He smiled sadly. "And to see you like this-" He bit his bottom lip as he shook his head. "-It kills me."

He paused in order to give Monica a chance to talk, but she didn't say anything, so he continued.

"I've known you for almost 12 years, and I know that you've wanted a baby for - like- ever. And from the moment we kissed, from the moment I fell in love with you, I knew that that baby that you'd dreamt about would be our baby." He watched as Monica started to cry again, fighting her tears for breath.

Still holding her hand he got up and sat himself next to her, pulling her towards him. "Sweetie, shh." He kissed the top of her head, and with his other hand stroked her hair gently.

"Mon, I knew that you wanted a baby from the beginning, and I wanted, and still want to give you that. We - or I- decided to wait a year until we started trying because when we finally decided to try we were both in a perfect place to start. Our jobs were stable, we could handle a baby financially, and we were together. Together, married, and after a year I felt that our relationship would be strong enough then, and forever to bring children into it."

"What?" Monica cried into his chest, not quite understanding him. Chandler rested his chin atop Monica's head and waited a little while before continuing.

"My parents were divorced, ya know? And it was hell Monica, pure hell. I just wanted to make sure that we were going to be okay - that we were going to make it, and not only make it, but be happy before we brought children into it. I wanted to be sure that we would love them as much as we love each other, and that we would never have to put them in the place I was in."

"Why wouldn't WE work?"

Chandler pulled away and leaned down to kiss Monica's forehead gently.

"We do work. I just - it's a lot, Monica, a family, and I wanted to be sure that from all areas we were covered. And we were, and everything was perfect, so we started." He paused, again bringing her to him. "But now, after almost 7 months we're falling apart. A situation that once would have been amazing for a baby is now questionable. I think, for now, we should stop trying."

He felt Monica stop crying abruptly, but she said nothing.

"We need to calm down. Take a break, refocus on us. Then when things settle down a little we'll start trying again, honey, I promise."

Monica sat perfectly still, not quite sure how she was supposed to react. On one hand, she should be happy that he was so concerned about them – about wanting their marriage to work. But, on the other hand it hurt her, the way he wanted to just dismiss the thing which had practically taken over the previous eight months of their lives.

"I – um," She stammered, unable to take the jumbled thoughts in her head and bring them to words.

"Monica, just think about it, I want this baby, but I also want you." He admitted softly.

"I, uh, Chandler, I understand why you think we should stop, but, I don't understand why you think this has torn us apart." She couldn't coherently bring her thoughts to words, although she tried.

"Oh Monica, c'mon, you can't you see what this is doing? I just want one night, honey, one night when we're together for love, for us, not for the soul purpose of trying to get pregnant." He spoke honestly.

"Love? What do you think conceiving a baby is about, huh Chandler? 'Cause I was under the impression that this baby would be conceived by both of us, through love." She sat back, looking at him as though he was a stranger. "I didn't know that –" She turned away momentarily. "I didn't know that you felt like we weren't together for love."

"No, Monica," Chandler protested. "That's – that's not what I meant. I love you, and I know that you love me, and we are together because we love one another, it's just that – we need to take a step back, regroup and just have some nights where it's just us, where we make love because we love each other, because we need each other, not just for a baby." Chandler attempted to explain his reasoning, but Monica was still hanging on his previous comment.

"I want a baby, Chandler." She said simply as she got up from the couch, wiping the final stray tears from her eyes.

"So, do I, Mon –"

"You're right." Monica cleared her throat, turning to him sharply. "We do need a break. I just – we need to be apart."

"Monica, no, honey, wait, please." Chandler followed her to the door, but unlike last time she shot him an ironic smile before leaving their apartment.

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"Monica, hey." Rachel answered the door to her and Ross' apartment holding a sleeping Emma.

"Hi." Monica cleared her throat as Rachel moved aside.

"Is everything all right? C'mon in." Monica walked in slowly, sitting down on the couch as she looked across the ally into her and Chandler's apartment. A tiny light shone from the living room, and she could see Chandler sitting hunched over on the couch. "Let me put Emma down and I'll be right back." Rachel carried Emma back to the nursery and made sure she was settled before coming back out into the living room to talk to Monica.

"I'm sorry, Rache, I didn't mean to bother you, I just wasn't sure where else to go." Monica apologized as Rachel sat down next to her on the couch.

"Oh, Mon, don't worry about it. I was up with Emma anyway." Rachel assured her. "What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"

"I guess, kind of." Monica shrugged, rubbing her hands over her eyes. "Chandler and I – or well, I, can't get pregnant."

"You guys have been trying? For how long?"

"Long." Monica sighed, again glancing over to her and Chandler's apartment. "Close to eight months."

"Oh, sweetie –" Rachel attempted to comfort her, but Monica stayed to herself and continued talking.

"And he wants to stop. He says that it's breaking us apart, and we need to be together for 'love', not just trying to conceive."

"What? Monica, that's crazy." Rachel wished she could sympathize with her, tell her that she understood, but in all honesty she couldn't. "What did you say?"

"Nothing, or at least nothing meaningful." She paused, running her hands over her face. "How could he have said that? Was he –" She stopped, again her eyes drawn across to the little light in her apartment, and she focused intently on Chandler's silhouette. "I did this, or, I wanted this because I thought that we both wanted it. And he says that he wants it too, but I can't help but feel like I'm forcing him into it."

"Well, Mon, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know." Monica shrugged, "I honestly have no clue what to do anymore. I want a baby, I really do Rache, but I don't want a baby if Chandler doesn't. I don't want it to be a one-sided thing, ya know?" She spoke openly.

"Yeah, honey, I do."

"I think – I think maybe I need to get away." She inhaled deeply as she sat back on the couch.

"Get away? Monica, don't you think you should go back and talk this over with Chandler?" Rachel spoke slowly. She'd never, ever heard Monica want to be away, or get away, especially in relation to Chandler. If anything she'd always wanted to be as close to him as possible.

"I did talk to him. He wants to step back and refocus on us."

"And you think that that's bad?" Rachel questioned.

"Yes. No. I don't know." She shook her head. "This is a lot, Rachel. You don't understand, and I'm not asking you to. I need time to think about it – alone. I need to think about things with Chandler, with a baby, with everything." She said, attempting to swim through the thoughts in her head.

"Well, uh, where do you plan on going, Mon?"

"I was thinking of going up to my parents' beach house, up on Long Island. They're not there this time of year." Rachel cleared her throat, amazed that she had thought it out so perfectly. "I just need to get away. For a couple days. A week, maybe two."

"Well, Mon, if that's what you want, then you should go." Rachel let out a subtle sigh, sadly noticing the red of Monica's eyes and her tear stained cheeks. She knew, maybe more than anyone, how much Monica wanted a baby, and she knew that this whole thing had to be killing her.

"I am." Monica got up, grabbing Emma's little pink bear from the coffee table as she did so. "Kiss Emma for me, okay?" She spoke to Rachel, but her eyes stayed focused on the little toy before her.

"Oh, Mon, honey, I am so, so sorry." Rachel rubbed Monica's back gently, knowing what she was thinking about. "And it's going to happen, I know it is. Just give it some more time. Everything'll work out." Rachel assured her blindly.

"Thanks." They shared a hug before Monica left, heading to her apart to gather her things, to face Chandler one last time, and then head out on her own.

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to be continued.

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© Breigh

July 27, 2002.