Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Summary: Your name is Izaya Orihara, and all you can do is smile as you watch Shizuo Heiwajima run away, leaving you standing alone in front of your makeshift altar. Shizaya. OOC.

OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

"Yagiri-san, is Izaya free on the 24th? If yes, pencil in 'getting married to Shizuo Heiwajima'."

Long fingers ceased their typing and Izaya swore his heart skipped a beat.

Prologue

Your name is Izaya Orihara, you are twenty-four years old, and today is a very important day. You're standing in front of a full-length mirror and you hate the fact that you needed Shinra's help in flattening the creases of your white suit. You keep telling yourself to calm down and stop fidgeting because you'll end up messing your hair and you're certainly not one of those nervous brides-to-be.

Still, you can't help asking, "Shinra, do you think I look fine?"

Shinra smiles and tells you, "Of course." And with that you feel a little better and you're walking out, deep breathing while the good underground doctor follows after you, probably making sure you make it to the altar without having an anxiety attack.

You remember when Shizuo said he wanted a traditional Catholic wedding, much like how most Western weddings are done. It's not something you want to agree with – after all, how can the protozoan expect that you'll do something so special in the most normal way? Moreover, it's not like you can have a real church wedding, where a priest would ask you to exchange vows while you wear a frilly wedding dress. But you know that it's beside the point.

So like the rational man you are, you gave a nod, called one of the premiere tailor shops to order two white suits, and sent out invitations to your closest friends and relatives.

"Excited to get married to me?" You prodded when you saw Shizuo trying on the newly delivered white coat.

"Fuck off," he retorted, hanging the piece of clothing on the wardrobe carefully.

"Should I start changing my calling cards to 'Heiwajima'?"

"Didn't I just tell you to fuck off? I don't see you fucking off."

And now here you are, going through your breathing exercises as you waited for them to open the doors so you can walk down on the supposed aisle and get this over with and end your anxiety tendencies. Though you obviously have your reasons for not wanting this day to be here, you think it might be okay. After all, Shizuo looked genuinely happy this past month. Maybe it's hard to believe that you are the reason for those smiles, and maybe it's surprising that you'll be in the middle with him, but you know that these are all happening. That it's possible for Izaya Orihara to actually want and to have those cliché happy endings. That's what you think, anyway.

And it's time and you hear the organist starting their playing as the doors open. Your gaze automatically shifts straight ahead, landing on that familiar blond hair. You smile slightly because Shizuo looks handsome in his suit and the sunlight coming through the stained glass windows. The beating of your heart almost makes you run head-first down the aisle, but of course you walk slowly, eyes lightning up when you see Shizuo looking at you.

He's everything you don't deserve – Shizuo Heiwajima. You wondered why you hated his unpredictability before when it made you – dare you say it – love him so much. You know that the two of you are not a match made in heaven but you hope that you'll grow old together. Although you couldn't make up in your head that you're someone good for him, because you knew and know that's not true, you hold on to the fact that Shizuo chose you, proposed to you.

And finally, you are up at the front, smiling as you look at the man who changed you so much. You guess that you're probably beaming at Shizuo when he finally meets your eyes as he takes your hand in his and give you a smile that warms your heart a little more. Joined hands, the two of you take the few steps it takes to reach the front of your improvised altar.

In that small moment, you finally understand what it means to be in love.

You're only half paying attention as Shinra said some lines before handing two silver rings. Shizuo momentarily lets go of your hand – you already miss his warmth – and takes both rings before handling the other one to you. You take your time to examine the silver band and you can feel everyone's eyes boring at you. A part of you wondered how Shizuo will react if you give him something new only to take it away. The thought sparks how easy it will be, how cleanly the break will be if you did it now.

But the thought dies as soon as it formed because after all, how amusing your humans' reaction will be means nothing about how you feel about Shizuo – how you feel about each other. You're happy and you think he's happy too – and you want to keep it that way. Shizuo deserves that, and you aren't about to take that from him. Casually, you outstretched your hand to take his so you can begin to recite your vow.

You take a deep breath and open your mouth, "I– "

Then suddenly white blurs across your vision and your hand's holding thin air. Your head whips sharply and all you can do is smile as you watch Shizuo Heiwajima run away, taking everything with him. The back door slams open and shut and then you are standing alone in front of your makeshift altar, your heart broken and your world slightly collapsing.

You dig your nails into your palms, keeping a barely there smile and you can hear Shinra's concerned voice. You have to tune out the rest, trying to think about anything except the image of Shizuo running away from you. You glance over and you can see Celty's PDA but you cannot really make out what she's trying to say.

Slowly, you can feel your body shaking and your mouth contorted to another bitter smile and then you are laughing. Your laughter slowly swallows the silence that filled the room.

"Haha, i-isn't this fantastic? Hahaha!"

You know the smile on your face is so big and so fake because fuck it's the best you can do, but you're keeping it together and you're not breaking down and that's all that matters. Your laughs become more choked but you're not entirely sure if it is because of the physical or emotional pain. Or maybe it's both, you don't really know.

"Everyone, the ceremony is done. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. You're free to go to the reception if you want to."

You give one last smirk then walk out of the same door Shizuo had because the room is suffocating you. You can make out small talks and mindless chatters but for you, it might as well be silence. Once the coast is clear, your fist is colliding with the wall, curses growling from your throat. Hit after hit, you bloody your fists and soon your forehead also meets the wall, before you completely fall to your knees.

This is not supposed to happen. This is not what you think of at all.

This isn't how it's supposed to go. You're supposed to seal everything with a kiss, and supposed to maybe smile lovingly as someone takes a photo of this very memorable day and that's it, none of this bull. You think for a moment that the God you never believed in must be out to get you – that maybe this shit about God hating gay people is true, and this is your punishment for digging a man. That maybe the happily-ever-after you thought was within your reach is something that's never supposed to be given to someone like you. This isn't fair, this isn't fair, but you're crying because Shizuo left you and you never felt this alone.

You kept everything under control, every time, every time, every god damn fucking time everything is under your control and finally now all of that is just put to waste. Now the tears can't stop falling because now you've lost it all. You cannot stop shaking and just wishing that things were not this way because you were lying when you smiled and laughed as if it didn't hurt.

You almost wish you didn't love that fucking bastard so fucking much – but no, you could never regret that. After all, how could you not love him? It is never a question of that. Loving Shizuo is the best decision you have ever done.

Still, Shizuo left you.

But you cannot make sense of it all because why did he walk out on you? All this time, did he feel nothing? All this fucking time, was the joke on you? Because god damn it, you felt sparks – you're sure that you still do – you felt a million of those cliché explosions of fireworks that every girl in high school babble about when asking if you'd go out on a date with them and how important their first kiss was to them every single time you breath the same air with him.

But now he's gone, and you're shaking and you can't even breathe.

You felt on the top of the world – a volcanic eruption, a geyser at loose and the applause of million, it was all there and it was all you ever dreamed of. And he left you, at the altar no less. And even that is still not enough reason for you to hate him just like how you used to do.

Today is a very important day.

But whether it's the happiest or worst, it's harder to say.

TBC.