I was listening to Andrew Belle's in my veins, and it inspired me to write this. I am sorry if it seems out of character. Also, thinking about my first love, and about a convo I had with tumblr's Deathstarinmordor. All three pretty much inspired this.
Reviews would be great.
Ten days. Ten whole fucking days. Ten days since I had seen him. I missed him. God Damnit! Maybe he is right. Maybe Terry is a worthless piece of shit. No, not maybe. He IS a worthless piece of shit. A manipulative piece of fucking shit. I have let him live my life for me for too long. I never got to enjoy shit. Never got to be free. I always have to put up this fucking front so that I don't get my ass killed.
I didn't go into this expecting to fall in love. I went into this for the hush-hush fuck that Gallagher gave me. I could get what I wanted without anyone finding out. The kid knew how to keep his damn mouth shut. Well, atleast up until ten days ago. And up until ten days ago, I would have fucking ripped his spine out if he opened his mouth.
I don't want to fucking be in love. But I am. And I need to figure out a way to deal with it. I need to figure out how to fucking get the words out, and tell him that I do. I've known for a while now that I loved him. I am sick of pretending, I am sick of him not knowing. And I am sick of beating around the bush, trying to get him to just know.
It's Dark before I find myself walking. Where to? I am not fucking sure. I just know I'm not home. When I finally pull my head out of the thick fog, I am across the street from his house. I wasn't expecting to come here. I don't even know why I am here.
A few steps later, I am knocking on his door. What the fuck am I supposed to say? What if he isn't home? What if he doesn't answer? Where will this leave us if I cant fix this?
Lip answers the door with a knuckle to my face. "Fucking shit! What the fuck did I do to you?" I say as I fell flat on my ass.
"Leave him the Fuck alone, Mickey. You and Mandy leave us the FUCK alone. You fucked him up. You broke him. And because of you, he is fucking leaving. Fuck you" he screamed as he pulled me by the shirt collar and pulled me to his face.
Tears just started forming, and words started falling like I had already known what I was about to say.
"I love him, Lip. I fucking love him. I screwed up. I need to apologize. I need to see him" I wasn't even sure if words were coming out. My heart was pounding, I was sweating. My hands were starting to shake. And the tears fell as I hung my head.
"let him in, Lip".
The sound of his voice brings my head up, and brings my heart to a faster, but slower all at the same time speed. I felt a sense of calm rush over me. Anytime I was angry, I felt that whenever I heard his voice. I knew he saw the tears in my eyes.
"This piece of shit is not coming in my fucking house, Ian. You want to talk to his sorry ass, you can do it out fucking side." Lip said as he let go of me and tossed me away from him.
"Ian…Please." I sounded like a begging dog.
He stood there in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, and a none-to-happy look on his face. I didn't like this look.
"What do you want, Mickey" he asked as he shut the door after walking out.
"Ian". It burns to whisper his name like that. "Let me talk. Please. I really fucked up. I fucked up everything. I fucked this up. I fucked you up. I fucked everything up. You mean more to me than a piece of fucking paper. You mean more to me than a quick fuck in the cooler. I don't want to intentionally hurt you. That is the last thing I want. You have gotten in to my fucking blood stream, Gallagher." These words burned my tongue as I said them. Like fire ripping from my chest. "I got into this not wanting to fall for you. I got into this for the simplicity of just being able to be who I was, without anyone knowing. And then all of a god damned sudden, you come fuckin tip toeing in to my fucking heart. Walls shattered, rain fell, and you fucking barricaded yourself into my fucking brain. I fucking hate it." I paused, continuing to look at him directly in the eye. Eye contact is fucking hard for me. At that moment, his arms fell from his chest, and he walked around me. I turned as he walked beside me, and grabbed him by the shoulders. I could feel him try to jerk away from me, and I grabbed harder. I placed my forehead to his, and just looked into his eyes.
"I fucking love you, Ian. I fucking love you and I cant get your fucking face out of my mind. I close my eyes, and I can hear your voice. When they are open, all I see is your face. When the wind blows, I can feel your breath on my neck. When im in the shower, I feel our hands on my skin. When I look in the mirror, I see your fucking grin. I fucking love you, Ian" and that was when I softly kissed him. I didn't really care who saw. It didn't fucking matter. I could feel him restrain, so I kissed him harder.
"I fucking love you" I whispered again as I pulled my lips away from him, let letting my grip loose or moving my face from his.
He didn't say anything. I know he is angry at me. I know I fucked up. I will admit that. I kissed him again, this time, with everything that I had, and I dropped my arms, and turned to walk away. I made it to the edge of the steps before I heard his voice.
"I love you, Mickey. But you really fucked up." He said as he came rushing towards me. He put both of his hands around my jaw and pulled me in and kissed me. It was electrifying. More-so than the kiss before my impending marriage. But it wasn't one of those kisses that lead to fucking.
"I'm leaving for ROTC camp tomorrow, Mickey. For 3 months. I need a break from all of this" he said, waving his hand around. "I need space to breathe, space to clear my head. I was thisclose to becoming Frank. Today was the first day I have been sober in ten days. When I leave from the bus station in the morning, I expect you and Mandy both to be there." He finished.
I stood there, shocked. Not wanting to say anything. I ran my thumb across my bottom lip, and looked up at him. "What time, Firecrotch?"
He smiled that shit eating grin at me, "10am. But be here at 8."