Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I making a profit of any characters or other copyrighted material located in this story.
The title is also not mine. If you haven't had a chance to check out Miri Ben-Airi, you should get on it.
A/n: this is, of course, my maiden voyage of CCD fan fiction. Rather depressing actually. If you want to be equally depressed, let me know and I will send you my writing soundtrack.
It was an early autumn day, marked only by a dreary fog and overcast sky, which would occasionally spit bouts of rain at wary passengers through streets and walkways muddied by what seemed like a lifetime of rain. I saw it as a chance to escape the cold hallways and colder smiles of my compatriots. After Bran and Nee's wedding, the temperature of the Court had changed. Gone away were the friendly smiles that I had become accustomed to during my earlier tenure at Court. No one was impolite, in fact everyone was carefully, meticulously polite. Reserve and caution seemed to be on the menu, and I was the only dinner guest. The first few times I noticed the chilly expressions of the courtiers I had considered my friends, I confided in Danric, or Savona, both replied that it must have been my imagination, or that, as I hadn't grown up in Court, I was overly sensitive to the changes in human behavior. Their comments caused me great despair, and greater self-deprecation.
Deric would mention that he thought my gown was 'nice' and I would immediately start rubbing my hands over the material, afraid of the colour choice or embroidery was discordant. I would have Mora instruct someone to burn the mess when I returned to my chambers, never wanting to wear such an offensive garment again.
On one of the sunny days, I joined my past friends for an outdoor luncheon hosted by Trishe. When I reached for a slightly chipped tea saucer, Tamara interfered, pressing an immaculate saucer my way, despite my protest. Trishe and Renna agreed, demanding that I only accept the best. Were they, all three, trying to say that no more was I familiar enough to use something slightly mussed, I did not know. But I spent the entire night replaying the entire picnic, trying to dissect every small gesture flitted my way.
Never, even on my very first day at Court, did I feel like an outside as I had since midsummer. The betrayal struck my heart, deep, as it had when my father started tutoring Bran in the ways of the scholar, while I was left in the kitchens, to help with the constant cleaning needed to keep Castle Tlanth hospitable.
In a clearing, I espied another lonely soul, carefully bedecked in a light afternoon dress, gently placed on a blanket, as to not get her dress wet, sat Elenet. She had remained at the Palace to help maintain some sort of continuity. She looked up as I approached her, and I watched as her properly polite Court mask swallowed her face. She made as if to stand at my presence, but I waved the action aside, for I was not interested in propriety. "Elenet, what is wrong with me?" I asked quietly, the emotions of an entire season behind my words.
She opened her mouth, and I already knew what was her words were to be. I brushed her off, "please, Elenet, be honest with me, I must know, or I shall die inside."
She pondered this for a moment, and then began, slowly and silently. "All of us at Court," I watched as her hands made an enclosing gesture. She paused and started over, "all of us at Court know," her voice faltered, "we all know that you and Vidanric, are," her voice threatened to break, "you and Vidanric are, involved." She looked down in shame.
I reeled from her words as if I had been burned by a hot kettle. A thousand thoughts raced through my mind. The coldness, the distance was all due to my budding relationship with Danric. "But . . ." I started, unsure of myself.
It was her time to interrupt, "We do not know how to react, what type of leader will you be." I looked away; afraid to face the ideas that she was voicing, those very same daemons had been haunting my nights since my first kiss with Danric. She continued, heedless to my despair, "in a few short months you will be setting the tone of our lives, and not one of us wants to ostracize you." Even with my gaze elsewhere, I could hear the deep breath she took, "No one want you to ruin their lives."
I spun around and looked her in the face, "am I that horrible? Am I that much of a monster?"
Her face fell, and I knew in an instant that it was true. I straightened myself, and tuned to walk out of the clearing, for I now knew what I must do.
She followed me, stumbling in her haste. She called, "what will you do now?"
I looked at her, "I've always thought that you would make a wonderful Queen." I stared her straight in the eye, as if to challenge her to stop me, and it was then that I saw the tears pouring down her face, like the harshest of our summer rain.
I returned to my suites, and sat in the dark. It was in the chilly dark, which resembled my heart; that I decided to leave this life behind.
I left with little more then when I had first arrived at the palace with, during my first trip to Remnala-City, during our war of Independence. I was weighed down only by my feelings and despair.
I had found solitude. I had found something that was missing from my life at Court. I had found that Elenet would become Queen directly. My cold heart turned colder in anticipation of winter, and it settled down to hibernate with my equally cold mind.
It was not long after the news of the impending Queen that my solitude was interrupted. I had found myself staying in a small house, in a room overlooking a carefully planned garden. It was downright cold, and I was wrapped in a blanket from my bed, staring out the window, looking at the barren grounds that would burst with magnificent blooms come spring and thinking of the one I missed the most.
I heard a noise behind me. And I turned to see the object of my thoughts, standing in front of me, like an apparition of my mind. He lifted his arms in a defensive manner, as if he expected me to throw something at him. A not entirely unfamiliar situation for either of us. When he saw that my hands were empty, he spread his arms wide. "Come home," he said, "I can not bear to look at the empty seat next to me that you ought to fill."
"But Elenet," I said.
"Forget her." He rocked onto his toes.
"How did you find me?" I asked, keeping my feet securely in place.
"I followed the books." He looked proud of himself. He swore, the first time I had ever heard him swear, and crossed the distance between us in quick strides.
He held me in his arms for the first time in months and I knew that he was the missing part of my life that I had been despairing of.
"I love you." He said into my hair.
I managed to push back from his chest enough to look him in the eyes. "I am not longer the woman you loved."
He stared, equally intently. "You will always be the woman I loved. No matter how you change, my love for you remain the same."
He grasped me more tightly, and I smiled into his chest. "Can we keep the house, I have gotten quiet fond of it."
I could feel him begin to chuckle, "always."