Warnings: This story is Slash. Do not read if you do not like. You have been warned. Also, spoilers for S4 finale.
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize from CSI: Miami, it's not mine. Leonard Bertram and all of his evilness, however, is mine (muhahahahaha cough, choke)
Beta: The wonderful Shadowfax27
A/N: This is chapter one of three. Reviews are appreciated. etc... etc...

Survivor's Guilt

1. So It Begins

"How well did you know Jessop?"

"He was starting patrol when I was leaving."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Oi, Wolfie, C'mere." Ryan sighed. He was on his way home after his last day on patrol, ready to cross the day off and prepare for his first day as a CSI. He glanced at the group of his friends from patrol that stood crowded around none other than Leonard Bertram. He sighed, knowing he had no choice where Bertram was involved, and he made his way over to them.

"What?"

"Well, first of all, we wanna introduce you to Aaron Jessop." Bertram made a grand motion with his hand towards the young man at his side. "And second of all..." Ryan was barely listening. His gaze had fallen on Jessop, who was nervously shifting his weight.

"Thanks," Ryan said when he was sure Bertram was finished, and he turned and left. The image of Jessop's face hung in his mind. The striking eyes, the full lips. The picture made part of him wish he wasn't leaving patrol, yet it also made part of him glad. He didn't need any distractions, but Aaron Jessop would have been a welcome one.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Jessop's POV

They insisted that I had to meet Wolfe, the man who was leaving patrol to be a CSI. They said that I would like him. Neither of us could get a word in when we were introduced, but I don't think Ryan wanted to say anything. He just kept staring at me. I tried to stare back, to make him as nervous as he was making me, but my eyes shifted from person to person, only falling on Ryan for a millisecond before moving on.

Our eyes locked before he left. This time, my eyes stayed. I watched him walk away, wishing he wasn't leaving patrol.

"Hey, Jessop, wake up. You wanna go for some beers?" Leonard Bertram's voice shook my thoughts away.

"Nah, I've gotta get home."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan was nervous. He had cleaned his living room twice and had reorganized the medicine cabinet three times, always putting it back the way it had been to begin with. Tomorrow was the beginning of a new branch in his life. He would be a CSI.

The phone rang, and he jumped as the sound sliced through the silence. He grabbed the receiver and tried to calm himself down.

"Hello?" Ryan heard a muffled cough and waited patiently for a response.

"Hey, um, Ryan, right? This is Jessop."

"Jessop?"

"Aaron Jessop. Bertram introduced us."

"Oh, right. You're the new guy on patrol."

"Yeah." Neither of them spoke for a moment. Ryan was about to hang up when Jessop continued. "Listen, I was wondering, do you want to get a drink or something?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Jessop's POV

Bertram made me take the number. He claimed that Wolfe was one of the guys every new patrolman should know, even if he was leaving. It didn't really take much prompting to get me to take the number. All it really took was the memory of Wolfe's eyes and they way they looked when he was staring at me.

I called him, but I wasn't sure what I would say. He made me nervous, even when I couldn't see him. It just slipped out. I didn't think he'd say yes.

We met at Davey's, a small bar about halfway between my place and Ryan's. It was fairly awkward at first. Ryan was constantly moving the napkin dispenser and condiments around. I wasn't much help either. I had taken out a napkin and started tearing it up, trying to find something to talk about.

We sipped our beers when they came and slowly began a conversation. We talked about interests and hobbies, favorite movies and books, it was as if we were avoiding work.

"How's Leo treating you?" It had to come sometime.

"He seems to think you're the most important person I should meet."

"That's Leo for you." Ryan said, laughing, but there was something behind that laugh. Some sort of hidden fact that made it less funny, I could see it hiding in Ryan's eyes.

We walked out together, side by side, still talking until we reached our cars. We said goodnight and went our separate ways.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It became a ritual. They met at Davey's once a week, if not twice. Ryan enjoyed the conversations they had, which often involved Bertram doing something to embarrass Jessop.

"And, yet again, I was at the receiving end. Not to mention the joke wasn't particularly good." It was a Saturday, and Ryan and Jessop were sitting at their usual table. It was the fourth weekend since the day they had met and both men were waiting for the other to make a move.

"Leo's jokes were never very good," Ryan said.

"I know but-" Jessop was cut off by a hand on his shoulder.

"Well, well! What have we here? Jess and the big bad Wolfie! What are you two doin' here?" Bertram loomed over them for a moment before sitting down next to Jessop, an arm draped across the back of Jessop's chair.

"Hey, Bertram, we were just talking about how your jokes suck," Ryan said. Bertram feigned a look of hurt, but Ryan kept his gaze on the uncomfortable look in Jessop's eyes and finished his beer. "And we have to go."

"We?" Bertram asked, a sly smile on his face.

"I gave Jessop a ride here, and I have to get home and finish some work." Ryan stated. Bertram laughed and winked at Ryan as he and Jessop stood to leave.

"You're a scoundrel, Wolfie!" Bertram called at their backs.

Ryan hadn't been lying entirely. He had given Jessop a ride, but he had nothing particularly interesting to do at home. Yet.

"Shall we continue our conversation?" Ryan asked. "Or would you like me to explain about Leo?"

Jessop shrugged.

"I'll explain, but I'll do it at my place. It's not something I like to think about while I'm driving."

The drive to Ryan's apartment was silent, interrupted only by the honking horns and screeching tires of the impatient. When Ryan parked, he glanced over at Jessop who seemed to have forgotten the encounter with Bertram. They walked inside in silence and sat down after Ryan had retrieved two beers. Still, they said nothing.

The silence was comfortable, though. Neither man felt pressured to break it, but neither would mind if it were broken.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Jessop's POV

To say that officer Bertram makes me nervous would be a gross understatement, but that wasn't my problem at Davey's. Sure, Bertram pops out of nowhere, cracks bad jokes, and disappears again, but I could have taken that forever if he had never come to Davey's.

Davey's was a safe haven, a place I could go to escape Bertram, and now that was gone.

We went to Ryan's place, and I was grateful that he had gotten me out of there.

We sat on his couch, not talking. Ryan tried to say something a few times, twice I think, but just closed his mouth and smiled each time. Finally, he seemed to wrap his mind around what he wanted me to know.

"Bertram thinks he has everyone figured out. He thinks he knows everything about you the moment you meet. He thinks he can tell you what you want and why, and he thinks he can get it for you." Ryan stopped talking. I watched him, not caring if he spoke again.

He didn't.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ryan didn't know what else to say. He had summarized Bertram in a few well chosen sentences, but there was so much Jessop still needed to know, to be prepared.

Jessop was looking at him, and Ryan could feel the eyes trained on his head, but it wasn't an uncomfortable feeling. Like the silence, it was almost welcome. He turned his head so that he was facing Jessop and placed a hand on Jessop's shoulder.

Ryan knew his eyes were giving away how nervous he was, and he could feel his hands shaking, but he proceeded anyway. He searched Jessop's eyes for protest, but found none. He brought his head forward and placed a soft kiss on Jessop's lips.

They deepened the kiss, exploring each other's mouths, and only pulled away for the need to breath. Ryan stood, grabbed Jessop's hand, and led the way through the spotless apartment and into his bedroom.