Saga I: A New Enrollment, And Even More Importantly, Disturbances in the Force
The smoke issuing from the engine of the train cast a shadow over Mary. As she cleared it, jaws dropped. Mary didn't understand why so many people were staring at her as she walked down the platform. Maybe it had something to do with her clothes? She looked down and stepped to the side to avoid the masses in front of her, but saw nothing strange – just her normal clothes, ones that in the eyes of public school systems everywhere revealed too much.
She gave a concerned look to all the girls glowering at her, and furrowed her brow in even more concern towards the boys swooning and fainting at the sight of her. The best way to describe such an occurrence, she thought, is to say that they look like rabid fan-girls. Wherever she went, she was met with the same reactions. Maybe, she thought, it has something to do with my long raven-colored hair that flows past my Hop Topic accessories and down toward my knees and combat boots.
Mary didn't know it, but she was alluring (and to many) drop-dead gorgeous. Her hair (which she could have told you proudly) had red tips which perfectly brought out her blue-green-speckled-with-gold eyes. She flipped her hair so it billowed in the wind. She had to watch behind her because her incredibly long hair had become one of her most dangerous weapons when braided. Even with her caution, she still managed to hit a nearby second-year. Walking past the cowering little boy, she walked into a cabin which she thought was empty, but was apparently... not.
"So, did you know that Dumblydork isn't dead anymore?" said Hermione.
"WHAT!" cried Harry and Ron simultaneously.
"Yep. It was just another plot gap. Rowling should really think about these things before writing, you know?"
The sound of Dumbledorie's name to Mary brought back a sudden and unexpected flashback to her.
Dubledoor was staring at her with a strange twinkle in his eye. Why the hell were his eyes always twinkling? She didn't know. However, she wasn't allowed more time to think about it as Dumbdork had started talking.
"Not only are you a talented witch well beyond the other seventh years despite having only found out that you were witch this summer, but you are also part vampire/part werewolf/part dragon/part muffin/and can see the future! M'dear," he said, with that strange twitch twinkle thing that came spasmodically (not to mention often) to his eyes, "I think you shall be an excellent addition to this school."
Suddenly there was a blinding light in her vision and a flying rabid squirrel came pelting through the incredibly large gap in the story. Unfortunately this evil rabid squirrel was also diabetic, and much to fat to fit through, this enormously large gap in the story. "Ah, this is Bottoms, Uggly Bottoms," Dumbledore said with a smile and another eye-twinkle. "He is possession of Harry Potter's, who shall be an intellectual equal at your school when you start this year."
Dumbledore blinked. "I mean, Harry will be an intellectual equal. Not the squirrel."
Coming back to reality, Mary heard a male's voice in the cabin.
"Why the hell are we on the train anyway? I mean, in the last chapter of the sixth book I thought I said I wasn't coming back to school and was going to fight evil."
Mary saw the other red-head boy staring at a neat pile of books on the seat next to him all labeled Harry Potter and the... Mary decided that she needed a seat.
She cleared her voice rather loudly. "May I sit here?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah." Harry then looked up. Holy'd shiznits! He thought. She's hot!
Indeed she was. Hermione stared at the two boys who were totally absorbed in staring at Mary before deciding to glower at her herself. Evil-creep lady.
"Ron! Harry! Stop ogling!" she said, feeling rather bookish and wishing to use words seldom used in the English language. Suppressing the need to shout 'conquistadors', she looked back to Harry and Ron.
The huge chest region, tiny waist, and long legs, making staring with wide-eyed appreciation, had captivated them. They completely ignored the fact that they were staring in places they shouldn't have been staring.
As they continued to stare at the areas not being named here, Hermione fumed. "I think Harry's books are occupying that seat," nodding towards the only available chair in the cabin. She continued her piercing stare at the gorgeous angel in front of her.
"No! This seat is definitely not occupied!" Harry shoved the books of the seat, tumbling his large collection of books about him to the floor. Hermione, who was in a glaring mood today, switched her line of vision from Mary to Harry.
Harry opened his mouth to speak when he was cut off in mid-sentence. A bitc– complaining squirrel came hurtling through the open window, giving Mary a sense of déjà-vu. "Uggly Bottoms!" she shouted with affection, remembering her last encounter with the squirrel.
"You fat-ass squirrel," Harry said. "I thought I told you to stay in Malfoy's pants until we got to Hogwarts!"
The four teenagers saw a blond-haired, extremely handsome (even when screaming in a girlish wail) boy run past scratching at the space between his upper thighs. They stared in blank confusion as he ran by, then continued with their deranged conversation.
"So, my name is Mary Suelicious! My hobbies include modeling for Hot Topic, listening to dark gothic-sounding music, being pretty, shopping, and not talking girlily! I also have a black-belt in karate and have a secret sword which I plan to murder the man who killed my brother with in my trunk." She looked up cheerily. "Would you like me to show it to you?"
Ron quivered as the color drained from his face. "No, that's okay."
"So how do you know Bottoms, Uggly Bottoms?" Harry asked as he stared into her multi-colored eyes. Just try to keep up the conversation. Try not to spill anything over yourself like you used to when you used to talk to Cho. Hey! When we get to Hogwarts, take her to the Quidditch pitch and show her your mad skills! Then maybe take a moon-light walk to the Room of Requirement. Note to self: make sure Hermione isn't around...
Meanwhile, Ron was making plans of his own.
Saga 1: kidnap Harry's squirrel
Saga 2: Give squirrel to Mary for whatever holiday is up next
Saga 3: Get a really large net. This should make fun for later.
Saga 4: Eat breakfast. Remember to put on new socks.
Saga 9: Bribe Dobby to take Polyjuice Potion turning him into Mary, and then make him find Harry.
Saga 20: Bribe squid to take vacation from the Great Lake.
Saga 101: Swim with Mary. Forget clothes.
Meanwhile, Hermione was also forming devious plans for Mary.
Hm… I shall need to find a bigger pitchfork… However, I can simply execute plan Delta: stab repeatedly with knitting needles after losing pitchfork. When properly butchered, dress her in lederhosen and bribe squid to do the tango with her when until someone finds her dead, dancing body.
Meanwhile, Mary was making plans of her own... even though they only involved her outfits for the week.
Should I wear the blue striped sailor shirt or the orange mini-skirt on Monday? I wonder why Ron is staring at my shirt so... do I have some sort of spot on my chest?
She looked down, and couldn't see one. Pulling the neckline of her shirt down further, she checked again. Nothing, so still further…
Hm. Nothing. Just Harry and Ron staring at her completely red in the face. Does Ron have a nosebleed? She thought with incredulity. She then decided she didn't want think about it as the train hurtled towards Hogwarts.
---
Hagrid walked outside, seeing Dumbledee coming down the sloping lawn, carrying a sign saying "HAGRID, THE TRAIN IS COMING," in all capital letters. Hagrid noticed the scrawl was messier than normal, but it did not register in his mind.
This sign was how Dumbledore informed him every year to go to the platform – though for the love of God he could never understand why Dumbledore didn't just use magic. Hagrid then noticed that there was something wrong with the gait of Dumbleydore – he was walking with his arms straight out, similar to how a zombie would. In fact, Hagrid thought to himself, Why is Dumblezork green? Straightening from the waters he was flowering, deciding to ignore the improper grammar, he said to himself:
"I sense a disturbance in the force."