The DHARMA Initiative
Presents
RICHARD ALPERT: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
NAMASTE! You are now the proud owner of a RICHARD unit! In order to achieve full use of your unit the reading of this manual is essential. You don't want to end up unwittingly aiding the Man in Black!
You should also feel pleased to know that the proceeds from your purchase are used toward the goals of the DHARMA Initiative, which is an establishment seeking the betterment of mankind, advancement of world peace and other shady business which includes possibly making plans to kill those annoying island habitants who force stupid treaties on us.
Your RICHARD unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check that you have all his accessories (see list below).
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Full Name: Richard Alpert
AKA: Richardus, Ricardo, Advisor, The Guy with the Eyeliner, The Ageless Other, etc.
Porn Name: Dick in a Magic Box
Manufacturer: DHARMA Initiative, Inc.
Date of Production: Classified.
Age: Old
Height: Taller than he looks
Weight: Not accurately known. Island diet may fluctuate.
ACCESSORIES
Your RICHARD unit comes with the following accessories. Please check off to make sure you have all necessary items:
One STANDARD OTHERS/HOSTILE WARDROBE (dirty drawers, fake beards, suburban casual wear, designer wear etc.)
One SILVER CROSS ON A NECKLACE
One SHIP IN A BOTTLE
One LENGTH OF CHAIN ABOUT 5FT (no, it's not for bondage play)
Replacement and additional items must be purchased through our website. We gladly accept credit, debit and checking account as payment. We also ship worldwide. Even to the Island. However, we cannot guarantee the shipping time to orders to the Island. It may arrive past, present or future.
ACTIVATION
Your RICHARD unit will arrive at your home in an unconscious state. PLEASE follow the correct procedure of activation or your RICHARD unit will not function properly. Failure to follow instructions may have negative results. Worst case scenario: He loses his immortality by instant de-aging to nothing but a bag of bones in front of you. Yikes!
(1). Remove him from his box (following the unwrapping instructions on box).
(2). Lay your unconscious unit flat on the floor.
(3). Use chain (included in accessories) and attach your unit to wall or heavy object. Please do not attach to your bed.
(4). Leave the room or area where your unit is chained. Do not got too far.
(5). Your unit will gradually awaken and take in his surroundings. You should hear sounds of struggle and moaning…not that kind of moaning!
(6). After five minutes of grunting, moaning and struggle…uh, where were we? Oh, yeah. Go back to your unit after that time.
(7) Hand your unit the silver cross (included in accessories). He should put it on and introduce himself to you, which completes the activation.
MODES OF OPERATION
DEFAULT
ADVISOR: Your RICHARD unit enjoys acting as a guide and assisting people in their endeavors in life. Basically, he is the best coach you will ever have in your life. RICHARD unit will be committed to making your dreams a reality. He will impersonate any number of professionals of the field that you wish to aspire. Looking to be an actor? He'll be your manager! He will work hard to advise you correctly in regards to your position. However, he is not your CONSCIENCE. Your unit will voice his opinion against actions you will take but ultimately your own downfalls will be in your own lap.
BEWARE! RICHARD unit is not your SLAVE. Your unit may become displeased or irritated if he feels you are shooting below your potential or investing in activities that he may not look favorably on. Make sure you explain your intentions clearly to your unit to avoid possible abandonment or replacement of ownership by your RICHARD unit. Communication and trust will go a long way.
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
LOVER: Your RICHARD unit is very amiable but true intimacy will take a great deal of time. Since most of his drive lies in supporting others, his own needs will often be buried. You will need to assert how much you CARE about his opinion, feelings and his own DREAMS or goals in relation to your own. Take time to express concern for his general health and state of mind. Bring him with you to the club or the mall or the movie theater. Once you achieve a great deal of communication and trust, your unit will start to ask for dates. Don't get too excited yet! Your RICHARD unit will move in small steps from PDA (public displays of affection) to making out. If your unbridled lust cannot be contained, then please invest in a SAWYER unit. LUST and SAWYER unit go hand in hand.
LEADER: Though your RICHARD unit prefers to act as an intermediary or adviser to you, he is more than capable of leading. You have two projects on you due to your douche boss? Well, you're in luck with your RICHARD unit. He will skillfully handle the other project. His calm and observant demeanor is excellent in keeping a group under control and motivated to finish the job.
WARNING! Please do not casually state you wish someone would get hit by a bus. We are not responsible for any possible homicides RICHARD unit will commit in your "service."
SPECIAL
BATMANUEL: Some really scary and obsessive TICK fans invaded our research department. This radical group successfully installed a virus that activates this function when you expose your unit to the TICK TV show.
BEWARE! Supervillians may find out where you live. Please prepare accordingly. Sidekick lessons should be considered.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
Your RICHARD unit requires some effort on your part to keep it in good condition. To keep him happy, healthy and clean please perform the following on a daily basis:
(1). Daily Involved Grooming. RICHARD unit likes to look and smell sharp. He will require a scented body wash. Also, he will not need EYELINER. Those beautiful dark lashes are all natural.
(2) Food. Your RICHARD unit is easy to please in this area. He has no particular favorite foods but he will enjoy some wine after dinner.
(3). Hair Care. Make sure you get him the really good shampoo and conditioner. Yes. That's right. The kind that gives you the look of horror at the price.
(4). Exercise. You RICHARD unit enjoys nature walks and hiking. Keep mosquito repellant handy.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: What kind of eyeliner does RICHARD unit use?
A: None! The eyelashes are NATURAL. How many times will we have to repeat it? However … if you wish to enhance them then you can buy MABELINE. But, really. He's born with it.
Q: Why is RICHARD unit so fond of that one blue shirt?
A: Hey, when you're immortal it's hard to find clothing that will age with you. If it holds up for a century then it's a keeper.
Q: I want to have RICHARD unit's babies! How do I do it?
A: Well, when a person loves another person they . . . yeah, you know. But, seriously, no amount of sex will get you his babies. The ability to procreate is not part of our units. And no, RICHARD unit cannot get pregnant either. Stop trying.
Q: How manipulative can RICHARD unit behave? I have a situation that needs to be handled…
A: Only so far. He may become very agitated by continuous, duplicitous activities that he may deem a "waste of time." Invest in a BEN unit. Those units bleed lies and manipulation.
Q: Help! My Richard unit is speaking only in Spanish!
A: Did you not read the Languages guide? You have activated his multilingual mode. Just say "Who lies in the shadow of the statue?" to him in English and he will respond in English. That phrase is the indicator for changing his language preference. Please remember it in the future.
Q: Can RICHARD unit make me immortal also?
A: Nope. Get a JACOB unit.
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:
DHARMA INITIATIVE
PO BOX 4815
NOT IN PORTLAND, OR 62342
Author's Note:
Thanks to all those who reviewed my previous guides! Wow, I've put out two guides in one month. That's a major accomplishment for me! I'm gonna try to make it three. I am working on my CHARLIE guide next. Look for it by the end of this month. Or you can visit my livejournal page for updates & stuff.
Now, make me feel more accomplished by leaving a review please!
Disclaimer: I did not come up with the owner guide/manual idea. That credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, who's idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own LOST. But I sure do miss the miss the show!