Chapter 1: The 'F*ck You' Button
BPOV
Early morning is one of the most underrated times of day. People hate waking up, being forced to exit their eight hour abode of warmth and comfort to step foot on the treacherously cold hardwood floor of their bedroom. As soon as the first foot hits that unwelcoming iciness, every ounce of life within their body cries out to ditch work and escape to the security of their sleeping quarters.
I am different.
The first ray of light that enters my bedroom window through the tiniest of cracks at the bottom of the blinds is the one thing I look forward to most. It means I have made it through another severely long night and am now able to assume my cookie cutter day without the demons of my past haunting me.
The painful memories come flooding into my mind the moment my head hits the pillow and eerily haunt me in my dreams on the rare nights that I find the courage to let myself fall asleep. They could have the night, but I would never allow them to steal the day from me.
I was up and out of my coffin of unrest the moment the rising of the sun was known to the people of Los Angeles. The freezing hardwood of my apartment was warmer than my morbid past so I welcomed it with joy. I made my way to the kitchen and began a pot of coffee before heading to take a shower.
Though it was a Saturday morning and I had no where to be, I had to keep moving in order to allow the sun and the twelve measly hours it allotted in my day to not be wasted for one moment.
Once I was showered and dressed, I headed back into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I grabbed my favorite blue mug from the cabinet and added a spoonful of cocoa and a little vanilla creamer before filling it up with the brew. I topped it off with a dollop of whipped cream and then headed for the balcony just off of the living room.
It felt cool, low-sixties, as I walked to the edge and leaned my elbows onto the railing. As I looked up the sky went from a dark blue to a light, pale blue then abruptly switched to a yellow-orange color. It was one of the most beautiful things to see. A smile graced my face as a bright white streak from an aircraft shot across the dark blue of the fading night.
I could hear my cell phone begin to ring inside my apartment. I was tempted to ignore it but decided against that idea as I sprinted towards where it was charging in my bedroom.
"Hi Emmett. What's up?"
"I knew you'd be awake. Rosalie told me to let you sleep in but I racked my brain and I couldn't remember a time when you ever slept past 8:00 AM. I love when I'm right. It's so rare so I have to enjoy it, ya' know?"
I rolled my eyes as a grin played at my lips. "Sure, Em. Now what's going on?"
I heard him clear his throat before proceeding, "Okay, so, Rose and I are taking the kids to the zoo today. We usually go to mom's house on Saturday's to take her some groceries and clean up a bit. We were wondering if, uh…if you could do it for us this time?"
The fear in Emmett's voice was palpable. He didn't want to ask me.
"I don't know if that is such a good idea, Em."
Emmett quickly interjected, "I know, I know. I didn't think so either. It's totally fine. Don't even worry about it, sis."
I felt horrible. I wanted to help them out. They had helped me more than I could ever repay, but facing Renee would be like voluntarily entering the gates of hell. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in three years. She didn't deserve to have me in her life and it had always upset me that Emmett so easily forgave her.
As I thought, a voice from the other end of the line suddenly penetrated my inner turmoil. "Bella, you are honestly going to tell me that after everything we have done for you that you can't go-"
"Rosalie, I'll go. I can't guarantee it will turn out pretty but sure, I'll fucking do it."
"Thank God! I was going to make you be the one to tell your nephew that he couldn't go to the zoo. He's been looking forward to it all week."
I laughed, "That would have been rough. You know I can never tell that boy no."
"Exactly," Rosalie mused, "But listen, Bella. Your mom is really bad. I'm not asking you to have any kind of sympathy for her, but please, just don't upset her. Don't talk about it. Go in there, give her the food, clean up a little and leave. We love you and we understand your decision to cut her from your life, but do this for your dad. All he ever wanted was for you to find it in yourself to forgive her. He was able to."
I quickly wiped the lone tear that uncontrollably began to fall from my eye. I didn't want to talk about any of this. I couldn't.
"I have to go to the grocery store now before it gets crowded. I hope you guys have fun. I'll stop by tonight."
I hung up before she could respond.
I rushed to the front door and grabbed my keys and purse before the negative thoughts I always worked so hard to keep out of my day could permeate my brain.
The streets weren't too crowded. Most of LA still nestled in their beds sleeping off their Friday night. I blared the oldies radio station that always put me in a good mood as I made my way to the grocery. Once I arrived at Ralph's, the closest store to my apartment, I slowly made my way inside.
Shopping for food has never been my niche. I usually avoided it at all costs. I was a regular carry-out customer at the Chinese restaurant down the street from where I lived and I usually bought my essentials such as coffee and bread at the gas station.
I had no idea what kind of food Renee liked or wanted. I didn't care all that much to ever know. I decided to get the basics and throw in a few curve balls for variety.
Once I was out of Ralph's and into my truck, it roared to life as I started it up, causing those in the parking lot to look in my direction. I threw it in reverse and backed out slowly before slamming on the pedal and getting the hell away. I was driving hastily down the freeway but suddenly remembered where I was headed. The last thing I wanted was to speed up the reunion with the mother who so willingly abandoned me and hurt me beyond repair repeatedly for years.
As I turned onto Renee's street, a feeling of nostalgia hit me so surprisingly that I almost had to pull over to contain myself. Part of me longed for my mother, maybe not Renee in particular, but a mother nonetheless. Renee gave birth to me and that was where her mothering ended. At the age of three months, she left me with my father, Charlie, and took my four year old brother, Emmett, with her. Five years later, she returned with Emmett and would come and go as she pleased, never staying longer than three months at a time.
It was disappointing and heartbreaking and the things she did to Charlie were unforgivable in my mind.
Pulling into the driveway, I instantly realized her house needed some work. I could see that Emmett had been fixing the roof recently as shingles, tools and a ladder rested next to the garage. The flowers in the flowerbed running along the front of the house were lifeless and weeds had begun to grow. The grass was dead and a little too long.
I turned off the engine and pulled Renee's two full grocery bags into my arms. I walked with fear in every single step I made towards her front door. I wasn't afraid of her, I was afraid of myself. I didn't like who I became around her. I didn't like who she turned me into.
I rang the doorbell and waited.
Nothing.
I knocked a few times.
Nothing.
I let out an over-exaggerated sigh and juggled the bags in my arms before reaching forward to turn the knob. It opened with ease and I stepped inside as carefully as I could. It was dark and cool in the foyer as I looked around to try and find some kind of light coming from somewhere in the house. There was none.
It all felt completely wrong. I wasn't supposed to be here and every single cell within my body knew it. My brain was warning me to leave and my heart was begging me to run and my bones were urging me to pull myself away.
Without hesitation, I sat the groceries down on a little table near the front door and ran like hell. By the time I made it to my truck, I could feel the sun on my skin and I could see the brightness of it through my closed eyelids. Exiting Renee's home was like waking up after an excruciating nightmare that held me in its grip the entire night.
I got into my truck and backed out of the driveway, not allowing myself to fully process a very thin, bald woman step out of the house and into the front yard as she watched me hurriedly drive away.
The further I got from Renee, the more manageable my breathing became. I had worked myself into plenty of anxiety attacks over the years and most of them were the cause of my mother. I hated that I allowed my body to succumb to the power of a woman who never loved me and never would. I couldn't stand the thought of my existence always being this affected by her. I wanted my life back; day and night.
If I were completely honest with myself, Renee wasn't the only reason I ran from my past. Renee was a mere blip in the grand scheme of fuckery that I had always been accustomed to.
Despite this, with time and age I had forced myself to admit that my life really could be worse. I had Emmett and Rosalie. I had the best six year old nephew in the world and a new 2 month old niece. They were perfect and I couldn't imagine my life without them. I was granted, for twenty years of my life, a father that would have done anything for me, and did. It hurt to know that I would always need these people much more than they would ever need me, but at least I had them, or once did.
"Bella. Stop doing this to yourself!"
I was shocked by the sound of my own scream as it echoed throughout my silent, empty cab. My phone then rang, shocking me once more.
"Bella Swan speaking."
"Ms. Swan. This is Carlisle Cullen. We spoke the other day."
"Oh, yes, Dr. Cullen. How can I help you?"
"I am so sorry to call you on a Saturday, but I am afraid I must cancel our early meeting Monday morning. I have to take time off the next couple of days due to a family emergency."
"I completely understand. I hope everything is alright."
"Yes, thank you, everything is fine. I am hoping to reschedule with you for Thursday morning, same time. Will that work for you?"
"It certainly will. I will see you then. I truly hope everything is okay, Dr. Cullen."
"Thank you for your concern, Ms. Swan. See you soon. Goodbye."
As I hung up the phone, I laughed at my disgusting ability to go from completely broken to cheerful in a matter of seconds. It had to be done, though, especially when talking to Dr. Cullen. I felt an urge to truly impress him whenever I spoke to him.
I was writing an article on him for the LA Times Magazine. I had been working there nearly a month, ever since I graduated, after interning there for two years as I studied Journalism at UCLA. It would be my first printed interview in the magazine and I was more than nervous to be interviewing one of the most powerful men in Los Angeles.
Dr. Cullen was handsome, charming, intelligent and absolutely the best Neurosurgeon in California, maybe on the entire West Coast. It more than intimidated me to even imagine what speaking with him in person would be like. I knew little to nothing about anything medical, but that wasn't what the magazine was interested in anyway.
Like most magazines in LA, they wanted the juicy details about his all too private life. I was shocked that he managed to keep his family and personal life a secret for this long, but he was ready to open up and reveal what it was like to be the Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He had invited me to conduct the interview at his Beverly Hills estate where his beautiful wife, Esme Cullen, would be joining him.
Just from speaking to him over the phone the past couple of days proved the hearsay to be entirely true: Dr. Cullen had found a way to be successful in LA without turning LA himself. It intrigued me to no end.
I finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, made it back to my apartment. I dreaded the phone call I knew I would be receiving from Rose as soon as she found out I made a hit and run at Renee's house. Just as I was about to sprawl out on my comfortable couch and catch up on some much needed TV time, my phone rang again.
I saw that it was my boss calling, which she rarely did on Saturday afternoon, and hurriedly answered.
"Bella Swan speaking."
"Bella. Thank God you answered! Can you get to the office right away? We have a major issue and I can't get a hold of anyone else in the department."
I tried to ignore the tiny jab at my place on the importance scale as I responded. "Yes, of course. I am on my way now."
I hung up the phone, ran out the door and down the hallway towards the elevator. I could see that a tall man had just stepped inside. Not wanting to risk missing the trip down, I yelled out loudly to the man, "Wait! Hold the elevator!"
Just as I was about to reach the elevator doors, they began to close a little quicker than usual. I managed to bravely throw my arm between the doors, which thankfully forced them to open. I stepped inside, dreading the awkward elevator moment that was about to ensue.
When I made eye contact with the guy that so rudely hit the 'close doors now' button when I knew he heard my frantic yelling for him to do the opposite, there was a literal loss of breath from my lungs as they felt as if they had been ripped from me completely.
He was beautiful. No, magnificent, in every sense of the word. The only other thing even remotely equivalent to his splendor was the rising of the sun after another gloom-filled night of lament and regret. The relief the morning brought to me had always been incomparable to the best things in life. Now, it seemed inadequate in comparison to him.
His disheveled, bronze hair and emerald green eyes alone were enough to force the cold, lonely heart that lifelessly beat inside of me to jolt momentarily before returning to its stable condition. I laughed internally at my body's pathetic and clearly unabashed attempt to force me into feeling physically attracted to this man. I knew how long it had been since the mere presence of a male affected me.
Once I recovered from the initial shock of him, I was able to speak.
"You totally just hit the 'fuck you' button, didn't you?"
Not the exact words I was looking for, but I couldn't take them back.
The elevator doors closed and the shaft began to descend as his eyes widened in response to my words. He coughed a little, maybe even choked on his own spit, and then asked, "Excuse me? I hit the what?"
"I screamed for you to 'hold the elevator' right as you were stepping inside but the doors started to close the second you got on. I have lived here for two years. Those doors do not close that quickly unless you hit that 'fuck you' button right there." I gestured towards the little push button, Vanna White style.
His eyes intensely met mine for a moment before turning forward as if he wanted nothing more to do with me. I felt bad, considering I had somewhat bitched him out for not wanting to ride on the elevator with me. It seemed more pathetic than I originally thought as I allowed myself to consider what I had just said.
"Look, we all do it. I've admittedly done it a few times in my life. No one likes riding on an elevator with a stranger. It's weird. But, you hitting that button and me still managing to get inside, well that just caused this to be a whole lot more awkward than it needed to be, buddy."
Rather than laugh or flick me off or even just apologize, the painfully beautiful man turned his entire body in my direction and stepped towards me until he had me backed up against the wall of the elevator. He placed both of his hands on either side of my head. He wasn't touching me, but if I allowed myself to exhale even once, our chests would have touched. He smelled amazing, like campfires and pinecones, a definite woodsy smell.
I knew I should have been horrified by his dominant and completely inappropriate close proximity, but instead, I was shamelessly intrigued. It felt like he had been standing in front of me for hours rather than five seconds before the elevator chimed, signaling we had reached the main floor.
As the doors opened, the man stepped away with a smirk on his face and added, "I thought I'd show you just how awkward that ride could actually be. See you around." He winked, literally winked, and then exited.
His smirk and wink combo instantly caused a wonderful foreign feeling to ignite low in my stomach. I wanted to ask him to stay. I wanted to laugh at his attempt to be funny. I wanted to touch his face. Instead, I watched him leave the building..
As I was wondering what in the hell had just happened, the doors began to close me in. I squeezed out of the elevator and quickly went out the side door of the apartment building, preventing another run-in with him so soon.
I made it to my truck and once I was inside, a smile, the kind of smile you are embarrassed to ever allow anyone to see, came across my face. I couldn't control it and I couldn't explain it. All I knew was that it was the first real, bona fide smile to happen to me in a very long time.