Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the fanfic I refer to. Maybe someday, I'll own something similar, but so far, writing's just a hobby and publication's a dream. Moreover, if this was publishable, I wouldn't be doing it on a fansite for free. And if I've referred to one of your fanfics, it's not because I don't like it. Rather, take it as a compliment.
Author's Note: I finally got around to browsing the Criminal Minds fanfic and noticed that there seems to be a favourite victim. Not that I can't understand why – his character does lend itself rather well to that sort of predicament, poor guy. Any way, then I found myself remembering a series of LotR fanfic of some of the characters complaining about how much they had to go through in various fanfics. That was all it took to drive me to write this. The plot bunny bit and wouldn't let go. Hope you enjoy this.
Dear fanfiction writers,
While I am more than able to appreciate your creativity and interest in writing and your interest in law enforcement, I find myself forced to complain. Yes, I know the unsubs you write about must have victims, but what compels you to always choose me? It's hard to have much of a career when I constantly find myself abducted for years at a time. Speaking of which, I'd love to know how you managed to control time. I should be into my 80s, at least, by now. Besides which, do you have any idea how exhausting it's getting? If I have to deal with another complex of any kind, I will start putting names up for investigation, and believe me, Garcia will find you.
Also, I'm quite certain that Morgan, Hotch, and Gideon would like an uninterrupted night's sleep without wondering if I'm ok and where I am. Gideon drove himself halfway to a heart attack this past time. Maybe you didn't notice, but the rest of the team certainly did. Hotch wanted to pull him off the case. And do you have any idea what Morgan and Hotch went through the time I was murdered in the office? It was all Gideon, Garcia, JJ, Emily, and I could do to keep them from killing the author. Please, for your own safety, don't do that again.
Another safety note: don't touch Jack. Hotch nearly went all The Crow on the author who abducted the boy and me together. Trust me, that is not something you want to see. Next time, we may not be able to stop him.
By the way, I'm nearly as old as Agent Jareau. There is no way in the world that she could ever possibly have adopted me. I have no idea how you pulled that one off. Perhaps if you tell me, I'll go a bit easier on you guys. Don't get me wrong. JJ's a great mom. But she is not, and never has been, my mom. My mother may be mentally ill, but I would never trade her for another, even if I had the choice. I would greatly appreciate it if you would remember that.
And I've noticed that you've also developed a taste for Hotch's blood. How is the team supposed to work well without our unit chief? And as cute as his daughter was, what possessed you to give him that child and then changing time again so she never existed? We'd all gotten rather attached to her only to wake up to her no longer having ever existed.
And just out of curiousity, why is it you mess with Hotch and me, but leave Morgan completely alone, except for driving him halfway insane with worry over us? Gideon, too. The least you could do, if you have to mess with the team is to rotate around. Some of us just need a break.
Sincerely,
Dr. Spencer Ried, Supervisory Special Agent, FBI