Losing the battle, winning the war
I see them together a lot now. And if I'm honest, it hurts a lot more than it should.
When he was with Blair, it was different. Maybe it was because we were fifteen and stupid. Blair may have liked to think she had all of him, but I beg to differ. I knew, every time he glanced at me, every time he held my hand loosely in his on drunken nights out and every time he grinned at me that I had a piece of him too. We shared him. He needed both of us just as badly as we needed him.
I miss our old threesome.
But now of course, he has a new one to keep him occupied.
It might be hard to understand what they see in him, apart from the obvious. Of course he's the prince charming of the Upper East Side, the reason why Blair spent so many years pining after him and winning him over. The reason why ever time I look at him I wonder what could have been, what would have been; what should have been. But I had my chance. I took it. Then I ran away.
Nate Archibald may just be the most heart warming, fulfilling guy I know. And yet one of the most people to give your feelings away too, because he never gives his feelings away. Instead he keeps them buried under the cool and calm exterior. Often he's lost and indecisive. I want nothing more than him to find what's really in his heart and just choose already. Vanessa, Jenny, Blair or me. He really likes to work his way through them, doesn't he? Not that it takes a lot to like him.
Do you want to know about the first time I ever saw Nate?
We were in sixth grade. Chuck had befriended Blair and apparently already decided he wanted to get me in bed (its Chuck) and whenever he and Blair did something, he'd always bring "handsome" Nate with him. And Blair would drag me along. I guess that's when it all really started.
Blair dragged us shopping to Tiffany's. On our way home, it began to rain. I love the rain, so I pleaded with Blair not to call a car; we could just walk back to Blair's. Nate gave me his coat, Chuck gave Blair his scarf. In a word, he was lost.
Then we hit thirteen, bam, Nate and Blair were practically engaged.
Then we hit sixteen, I get my chance, we finally have a chance and I run away.
Now he's with Jenny. I mean, Jenny. Jenny Humphrey. Not that I'm going to go all Waldorf and start bashing because I can't talk. Maybe she's good for him. Not like me. When I get involved things suddenly become a hell of a lot more complicated.
My cell phone vibrates and rings across my empty bedroom. It supposed to be a family dinner tonight, but Chuck's off making Blair fall in love with him a little bit more and Eric is probably off with the girl I really shouldn't be envious of.
"Serena." It's an unmistakable voice.
"Hey Nate." I greet, pleasantly surprised.
"What's going on? We haven't talked in a while so I just thought I'd call." He adds.
It strange how we talk now. It's like we were once great friends who have become distant, dealing with life on separate paths. I suppose that's the truth of the matter, but its Nate Archibald here. I love him, he loves me. At least, that's the way it was. It felt like it was the way things were going to stay. Why couldn't he just come over and talk?
I remain silent. For so much that once needed to be said, I have nothing.
"Come on; let me into your world a little." He urges playfully.
I remember when we were thirteen and I invited him over to my house, so we could be alone just for once for that exact purpose. I was going to take a chance. Then he told me about Blair. It was a tad too late for confessions then. Seeing him, talking about him and hearing from him always would be hard after that day. The pain dulls but it never goes away completely.
"I shouldn't have called –
"No, Nate. I get it. You were there for me over summer. Now it's my turn." I say in a more bright tone.
Silence meets me again. It's not like the comfortable ones we always used to share.
"Say something." I say more desperate than I intended. But with Nate, things were never intended. The sex wasn't intended, I never intended to fall for him the way I did and none of this was ever supposed to happen.
"Everyone is saying that…Jenny and I are a mistake." He tells me, his voice barely audible.
"Who is everyone?" I ask.
"Blair…Chuck, my mom. I know it seems unlikely or something but I don't care what they think. Chuck tried to rape the girl. Blair hates her too. My mom can barely comprehend the possibility of me dating a Humphrey (at this I emit a giggle) because of our financial situation and you're the only one who will be honest to me." He rambles. It earns a smile from me. That trust we had? Its still there.
I swallow. In a way, it's not a mistake because Jenny already adores him. She won't challenge him. But it still feels like a mistake to me. But we're young, right? We still get to make these mistakes before every thing we do all of a sudden will matter a lot.
"Honestly?" I begin, feeling my tone waver, "do you feel like it's a mistake?"
Silence passes again.
"I don't know." (Breaking news, Nate Archibald is confused), "I mean, I'd thought I'd spend a while alone. I mean I went from Blair to Vanessa to Jenny so quickly."
He doesn't mention me. Perhaps it's because we barely have anything to mention except sex at a bar.
"Do you think it's possible to give up on loving someone Nate?" I question, leaping up from my bed to look at myself in the mirror. Dan asked me over to talk about an hour ago and I don't know what to do either. Maybe I should be alone.
"Did you give up on loving Dan?" He asks hastily.
"I can barely talk to him. When ever he gets involved in my life every thing else suddenly becomes another what could have been." I admit. "I know it was a long time ago, but when you came back you told me how you felt and I was wrapped up in Dan. Over summer, Dan came back and everything changes to revolve around him again. Now there's Aaron and what if he gets in the way of that?"
"He won't if you don't let him." He says simply.
--
I'm on my way to a date with Aaron now. Dan can wait. In fact, I'm sure that Dan can just stay away if only for a while.
"Hey." He smirks.
"Hot date, Nate?" I ask. Just then, Jenny walks over to him, a spring in her step. She puts her arms around her knight in shining Armani.
"I made reservations. I won't be long." He tells her with a sweet kiss on her cheek.
"You don't look too shabby yourself." And he hugs me. For the first time since…a long time.
"On my way to Aaron." I beam. He's not Nate or Dan, but I could use the company of someone who isn't either right now.
"Not letting him get in the way. Good." He remarks.
"I guess I just realized that's its over." It feels better to say it.
"Yeah…it is." He glances at me, then back to Jenny inside whose waiting, grin on her face.
Why do I get the feeling he's talking about more than Dan and I?
"I'll be seeing you, Nate." I say with a small smile.
As I pound the pavement, the sky is dark. The stars are shining. To say there's a chill in the air would be an understatement. It's a beautiful night. I wish I was spending it with him.
I've learned something. We're seventeen. And although most of the time, it feels like its stone cold over, he gives me little reminders that it's never going to be over. I know it's never over. Like I said, we're seventeen. There's still time. And when all is said and done, Jenny, Vanessa and Blair are the high school sweethearts. Me? I'm not quite sure what I am to him. I'm a friend; advice giver; confidant; almost lover.
I could make a good Archibald wife. Maybe not as perfectly scripted as Blair Waldorf, not as artsy as Vanessa Abrams, not as young as Jenny Humphrey. But I could be with him, he'd be with me and that would be all that really mattered.
The way I see it; I'm losing a battle. But one day, I'll win the war. We'll find our way back, we always do. Maybe its blind faith or maybe it's a desperate plead for clarity amidst a city of delusion.
Sometimes things get lost in translation. I hope Nate finds what's in his heart again, because I'm not going to wait forever.
--
End.
--
A/N: I hope you enjoyed (: