Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 4
EPISODE 3
Airdate: October 18, 2015
"To Be or Not to Be a Role Model"
Special Guest Stars: Sabrina Carpenter as Sarah Bennett, Tony Sirico as Uncle Carmine, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
SCENE 1
The Hernandez Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
The episode starts with Jaylynn in her bed sleeping. The time is 8:20 AM and then she gets a phone call. Her phone keeps vibrating until she finally picks it up.
JAYLYNN: Who is this?
RK: It's RK. Where the hell are you, I thought we were carpooling today!
JAYLYNN: I'm sleeping, you jackass. I don't have to get up until 7:45.
RK: It's 8:20, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what?
Jaylynn looks at the alarm clock and her heart sinks when she realizes that her worst fears have come true.
JAYLYNN: AAAAAHHHH! I'M LATE ON CARPOOL DAY?!
RK: That's a mortal sin.
JAYLYNN: WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!
RK: Well, first off, you can stop yelling and take a breath.
JAYLYNN: Okay, fine. I'm fine now. Cue awkward pause for a few seconds. I'm not fine, I'm not fine, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!
RK: Good grief. Just get ready and I'll pick you up. But you have to call and let me know.
JAYLYNN: Aren't you going to be late too?
RK: Eh, it's nothing I'm not already used to. Plus, carpooling is carpooling.
JAYLYNN: Thanks RK. You know, you were always my favorite.
RK: Oh, can the damn brown-nosing, I already said I was going to give you a lift!
JAYLYNN: Alright. Fine. Jaylynn hangs up. That's why I never liked that little brat.
SCENE 2
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks downstairs with a Cream T-shirt on, some ripped-up jeans and suede Puma sneakers. Her hair looks undone and mangled, but she simply decides to cover it up with a purple beanie as she checks herself out in the mirror.
JAYLYNN: Ooh, I look so cute today. This is why I should start coming to school late more often.
Jaylynn takes off her beanie for a bit and tries styling her hair. RK walks in and sees Jaylynn's hair, and immediately starts cracking up. Jaylynn gives him a look of annoyance.
RK: I'm sorry, it's just that...you look like a RAINBOW TROLL! HAHAHAHAHA!
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, really funny, hurdy durdy durr. *Southern accent* That's our Jaylynn. She's so hysterical and stuff. *normal voice* My Southern accent's not very impressive, but you can see why I'm...
RK, at that moment, takes a picture of Jaylynn on his smartphone.
JAYLYNN: What the f*** are you doing, man?!
RK: I want everybody to share the laughter of your stupid haircut.
Jaylynn gives RK an extremely annoyed look at that point.
RK: Shit, that one's good too.
RK takes a picture of Jaylynn's look as well.
JAYLYNN: You know what else I think people would love to see?
RK: What?
JAYLYNN: A beatdown, get your fat ass over here.
RK: NO, LEAVE ME ALONE, JAY!
Jaylynn chases RK around the living room and RK opens the front door to escape.
RK: HA, YOU DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS, YOU...
Jaylynn screams as she spears RK off her front porch.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Wade are all walking the halls together.
BUSTER: You know what I don't understand?
WADE: What?
BUSTER: It's when people say you can't have your cake and eat it too. It doesn't make any sense. You have a cake so you can eat it. What else are you going to do with it, use it to touch yourself?
SPARKY: It just means you can't have it both ways.
BUSTER: Well, in that case, it should be you can't eat your cake and have it too.
There is an awkward pause for a few seconds as Sparky and Wade think about Buster's theory.
SPARKY: Makes sense to me.
WADE: Yeah, nice work, Busts.
BUSTER: Please don't call me that.
RK and Jaylynn walk up to the guys looking a little tired.
RK: We're here, children. I know you guys are always wondering, "Where's that dashing RK fellow?" Well, don't worry. He's right here.
WADE: I never wonder that.
SPARKY: Where have you guys been? The school's less than twenty minutes away from Jaylynn's house.
JAYLYNN: RK and I...had some internal disputes...but we settled it.
RK: We beat the hell out of each other.
WADE: Why? I thought that was our thing.
RK: It still is, but Jaylynn got all butthurt because of these pictures I took. Camera. No, wait, that's wrong. Buster, wave to the camera.
BUSTER: Finally, my chance to be filmed. Hello...
RK: Too late. Alright, gallery.
JAYLYNN: RK, if you show those pictures, I will end you and all of your unborn children.
RK: I'm not even old enough for that. Alright, here we go.
Sparky, Buster, and Wade all start laughing as soon as they see the pictures. Jaylynn looks genuinely embarrassed and walks away. The boys start to feel bad.
RK: Jaylynn, wait up! We're just being immature and juvenile!
JAYLYNN: You ruined it, RK. All of you did. You're life ruiners. Everyone laughing.
RK: Jaylynn, I'm sorry I...
JAYLYNN: Wow, you really fell for that? Ha, look at your face, you look like you wet your freaking pants! I'm not really upset, but I don't want people looking at me and I'm not looking fly.
RK: Relax, nobody but us will see the pictures.
SPARKY: You say that now.
RK: What?
WADE: Come on, RK, you know you have no self-control. You're going to post those pictures on Facebook for some cheap likes.
RK: Hey, I am above that, child. I'll probably forget about these pictures in two hours.
TWO HOURS LATER...
The boys are eating lunch together when an enraged Jaylynn walks up to RK.
JAYLYNN: You put the pictures on Facebook?!
RK: I think we didn't consider the X-factor.
JAYLYNN: What X-factor?
RK: Sometimes, I change my opinion on things.
SCENE 4
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is sitting at home by herself watching TV with a can of Pepsi and a bowl of potato chips.
VOICEOVER: We now return to The Adventures of Strawman, the world's most argumentative straw.
Strawman, a literal plastic bendy straw with a red cape and a red "S" crudely drawn on his stomach, is flying through the air when he hears a shriek.
STRAWMAN: Sounds like a cry for help!
Strawman flies into a nearby apartment building and spots an old lady who is lying on the floor near the staircase, with a tipped over wheelchair by her side.
STRAWMAN: What seems to be the topic of discussion, citizen?
OLD LADY: Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!
STRAWMAN: That's terrible! You know, the U.S. government is probably behind this. They've been trying to kill old people by 62 so they can't collect their Social Security checks for years.
OLD LADY: How does that help me with my injury?
STRAWMAN: It helps you in an argument, that's what. The U.S. government has been holding us down for years. Thanks to the Bush administration, black people have had to face nearly insurmountable odds of ever seizing economic and educational opportunities. It's all Bush's fault for our problems!
OLD LADY: HELP ME, I'M GOING TO DIE!
STRAWMAN: Well, if we had gun control in motion, we would be a much better country. What's the point of using those things anyway? They just kill people.
OLD LADY: You're an idiot.
STRAWMAN: Everyone else is an idiot but me.
JAYLYNN: Hm. I thought Nickelodeon had better taste than this.
Jaylynn hears a knock at the door and opens it. It's her old friend Sarah Bennett.
JAYLYNN: Sarah, what a surprise!
SARAH: See, I told you I would come back here.
JAYLYNN: No, you didn't.
SARAH: I told myself I would, still counts. But how have you been, girl?
JAYLYNN: Not so good. I want to strangle RK.
SARAH: Oh yeah, he's the one you always tell me is obnoxious, hotheaded, abrasive, and sarcastic.
JAYLYNN: Well, those are just some of his less likable traits. He's actually a really cool guy...until today.
SARAH: You want me to kick his ass?
JAYLYNN: No, I already did it. He put up these pictures of me with my hair looking like shit. Total weaksauce move.
SARAH: I haven't been online today, what do they look like?
JAYLYNN: See for yourself.
Jaylynn takes out her phone and puts up the pictures on her screen for Sarah to look at.
SARAH: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Jaylynn, I'm sorry, but they're pretty damn funny.
JAYLYNN: You want to catch a beatdown too?
SARAH: Ah, just laugh at yourself. Look, they're pretty funny.
JAYLYNN: Eh, the first one's okay. But you know what? I love the second one. It makes me look all derpy.
SARAH: Hey, these pictures have over 105 likes so far.
JAYLYNN: 105 likes? I don't even have 105 friends and this guy gets that many in likes? I guess I really am funny. Hey, knock knock.
SARAH: Please don't try to be funny, Jaylynn. It doesn't work for you.
JAYLYNN: Oh, come on, this is a classic. Knock knock.
SARAH: Who's there?
JAYLYNN: You.
SARAH: You who?
JAYLYNN: Yoohoo, THE CHOCOLATE MILK! HAH!
Jaylynn starts cackling and slaps her knee while Sarah just has a neutral look on her face. After a while, Jaylynn stops when she realizes Sarah isn't laughing.
SARAH: What the f*** happened to you, man?
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is writing in his notebook when KG comes home.
RK: Hey KG.
KG: What's up? You know, I never understood why some stupid kids walk in the street when they see a car coming. It's like, are you asking to get hit in the face and then sue me because you were too dumb to know what was going to happen?
RK: Weren't you jaywalking the other day with your friends?
KG: That was a dare and dares challenge your manhood. Plus, no one ever gets arrested for jaywalking. That's like getting arrested for loitering or your meter running out. What are you doing anyway?
RK: Homework.
KG: What?
RK: Homework.
KG: You know, RK, I know you want to be a comedian like your big bro, and I have to say, that was freaking hilarious.
RK: It's not a joke, I'm actually doing homework.
KG: You're delirious. YOU NEED THE DIVINITY OF THE LORD IN YOUR LIFE!
RK: What the hell is wrong with you, check my notebook.
KG: Alright. I'll take a peek at your handy dandy notebook.
KG checks RK's English notebook.
KG: "Who is My Role Model?" RK, this isn't even a first draft. You just wrote down the heading and the title.
RK: Don't judge me, I need time to create!
KG: So, this is for English class?
RK: Yup. We just write two pages on who our role model is and why they've been a positive influence in our life.
KG: Well, if you're not even going to be subtle about it...
RK: What?
KG: RK, I know what this is. This is the moment in every brother's life when they decide to do a report on their old man.
RK: Dad? Eh, he's okay, but not what I'm looking for.
KG: No, I meant someone younger. Someone worldly with angst and fear, but they hide it well with a thick layer of coolness and sophistication. Someone calm, mature, Adonis-like, a friend to the young people.
RK: John Legend?
KG: IT'S ME, DAMN YOU! YOU WANT TO DO YOUR REPORT ON ME!
RK: No, I don't. I just said I was doing it on my role model. Doesn't mean it has to be you.
KG: Wait, what? I'm your brother!
RK: Yes, and before I turned six, I thought I was adopted. These are all facts.
KG: No one is a bigger influence in your life than me! Where are you going to find a better role model than someone in your family?
RK: Josh Peck. He's a damn good comedian. Look, I'd love to sit here and schmooze some more, but I have to get to work.
KG: Get to work about me, you will!
RK: You're forcing me to do my report on you?
KG: Well, if your dumb ass can't force yourself.
The living room phone starts ringing as RK and KG sit around scratching their heads. KG walks up to the phone and picks it up.
KG: Talk to me.
The scene cuts to Uncle Carmine in the hospital. He has no considerable bruises or marks, but he looks tired.
UNCLE CARMINE: Hey, I'm dying! The doctors, eh...they don't exactly know what the situation is, but I'm getting bullets taken out of me. Make sure the rest of the family knows.
KG: Uncle Carmine, we're kinda busy right now.
RK: Carmine? Is he in the pen again?
UNCLE CARMINE: Look, if you ever feel like getting off your lazy ass and visiting me, here's the number for the hospital.
KG: Yeah, I'll be happy to relay the message. Bye.
UNCLE CARMINE: KG, THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR...hello? Hello?! Idiot nephews. This is why these kids ain't my kids. If they were my kids, I would have the legality to beat them without going to jail. But instead, I'm dying. Stupid kids.
RK: What did Uncle Carmine want?
KG: Prison softball championship. But anyway, you better write about me for your crappy school report!
RK: Yeah, and the Mariners are getting home-field advantage in the playoffs. Leave me alone.
RK walks upstairs while KG starts kicking the floor like it is dirt.
KG: What the hell am I doing, this is carpeting.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn shows up to school in a top hat, a scarf, and sunglasses. She tries her best to avoid being seen and starts moving around as if she is a spy. Sparky and Buster start scratching their heads and walk up to her.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, what are you doing?
JAYLYNN: GAAAAHH! Oh, it's just you guys. How did you know it was me?
SPARKY: We're your friends. We know all your tricks.
BUSTER: Plus, you're the only person I know who owns a hat like that. I used to, but then it got lost in the garbage.
JAYLYNN: I'm so glad to see you guys. I didn't want any attention on myself after what RK did.
SPARKY: Oh yeah, the pictures. I have to say, that was some funny stuff.
BUSTER: Yeah, you looked so drunk in that second one. Like, "Duh. I'm Jaylynn, duh."
SPARKY: "I do Jaylynn stuff, duh."
JAYLYNN: I really, really hate you guys.
BUSTER: Aw, you love us. Besides, nobody's even talking about the pictures anymore.
SPARKY: Yeah, in about a day or two, no one will even remember and it'll be yesterday's news.
ASHLEY: Hey guys.
BUSTER: What's up, Ash?
ASHLEY: Nothing much, what are you up to?
JAYLYNN: I'm seriously considering a transfer.
ASHLEY: What, why?
SPARKY: She's a little embarrassed about her bad hair day pictures.
ASHLEY: Oh yeah, those. You shouldn't be embarrassed, everybody loves them. They can't stop talking about them.
JAYLYNN: Yesterday's news, huh?
BUSTER: You can't blame us for our optimism!
ASHLEY: You should check out those likes. They just keep getting higher and higher. People have even made a meme out of one.
JAYLYNN: What? A meme?
BUSTER: Yeah, Jaylynn. You see, a meme involves taking an existing picture and adding a generally amusing caption on...
JAYLYNN: I know what a meme is, professor. But what does it even look like?
Ashley whips out her phone so she can show Jaylynn the meme. Meanwhile, Jaylynn starts looking at Sparky.
SPARKY: Why do you keep staring at me like that?
JAYLYNN: I just feel like we haven't talked in a while, you know?
SPARKY: I know, I miss you.
JAYLYNN: Me too. Hey, you want to do something tonight?
SPARKY: Sure, what time?
JAYLYNN: How about 7:45?
SPARKY: Why not 7:30?
JAYLYNN: I need those extra 15 minutes for, um...this other thing.
SPARKY: Okay, sure. I'll be there. Buster, you can come too.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, come along, Buster. It'll be fun.
BUSTER: Shit, I forgot to buy gum today. Wait, what were you guys talking about? Cream soda?
ASHLEY: Here it is.
The meme shows Jaylynn's annoyed look in her second picture, with the caption reading "Mornings Be Like."
JAYLYNN: Wow. I'm a meme now.
BUSTER: Something tells me this isn't the first time.
ASHLEY: You shouldn't let people get to you, Jaylynn. Own yourself and nobody will have anything to laugh at.
JAYLYNN: Thanks Ashley. I can finally take off the hat.
ASHLEY: It's a good thing you did. That look was really starting to annoy me.
BUSTER: HA! Ashley's got jokes.
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is sitting on the couch looking up at the ceiling.
RK: Who should I write my report on? Rockefeller? Lincoln? Yogi Bear? "Ha ha, hey, Boo Boo. Let's help RK with his essay after we finish our pic-a-nic basket." I don't...I don't know what Boo Boo sounds like.
KG comes out of the kitchen with a banana.
KG: Talking to yourself again?
RK: Well, who knows you better than you?
KG: You know, I invented self-conversation. One of the many things you can appreciate your big brother for.
RK: You're a mess. Look, I don't know who I'm writing about yet so cut the crap. I'm not going to write about you just because you're my brother.
KG: Oh? Well, would just anybody be able to stick an entire banana in their mouth, peel and all?
RK: I guess not, but don't take this where I think you're going to take it.
KG: RK, this is what a real role model looks like. Amazing feats of physical dexterity.
KG slowly tries to stick the slightly peeled banana in his mouth along with the peel, but he starts gagging and throws up, then spits it out, starts screaming, and later starts quietly sobbing. RK, with an uninterested look on his face, looks briefly at the camera and then goes upstairs.
SCENE 8
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are all watching TV when they hear a knock at the door.
BUSTER: You get it.
JAYLYNN: Why should I get it, it's my house.
BUSTER: Exactly. We're the guests, you can't force us into physical labor.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, could you be a dear and get it?
SPARKY: It can't be me. I got it last time.
JAYLYNN: What...when was the last time you were even here?
The knock is heard again and Jaylynn grumbles to herself.
JAYLYNN: Dammit all!
Jaylynn goes to get the door and it is revealed to be Anja.
JAYLYNN: Hey Anja, what are you doing here?
ANJA: I wanted to show you how popular those pictures are getting.
JAYLYNN: Man, it's like nobody wants to talk about anything anymore. It's never about pollution or the economy or World War III, it's just social media.
ANJA: They have over 2,000 likes.
JAYLYNN: What?! I'm popular?
ANJA: Well, the pictures are, but if you want to put it that way.
JAYLYNN: How did this even happen?
ANJA: Reposted several times by other kids, made into a meme, I think TMZ said it was cool.
JAYLYNN: Cool, TMZ saying stuff about me. I'm just a little girl in Seattle, now I'm famous!
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you don't want to get a swelled head about this. Fame always messes people up.
BUSTER: Yeah. They become as messed up as that black power group I used to be in.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster is standing in the back of the reading room of the local library with a look of extreme confusion. A bunch of African-American men are sitting in front of him watching a fat Caucasian guy with a Public Enemy cap and see-through sunglasses speak on top of a podium.
SPEAKER: YOU'VE BEEN HOODWINKED!
BLACK MEN: YEAAAAHHHH!
SPEAKER: YOU'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED!
BLACK MEN: YEAAAAHHHH!
SPEAKER: THE WHITE MAN HAS KEPT YOU DOWN FOR TOO LONG WITH HIS GREED AND UNFAIR STRUCTURING OF SOCIETY, SO TODAY, WE FIGHT BACK! TODAY, WE DEFEND OUR RACE! TODAY, WE KILL THE WHITE MAN!
The black men start chanting "Kill Whitey" and dancing around as Buster starts scratching his head.
BUSTER: But you're white yourself!
SPEAKER: And you're white, get that Eurocentric bastard!
Buster runs away screaming in fear as the black power group chases after him.
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are walking together through the halls as the kids start entering school.
WADE: So KG tried stuffing the entire banana in his mouth?
RK: Peel and all. He's trying to show me what a great role model he is.
WADE: How does trying and failing to do something so stupid make him role model material?
RK: I don't know, my parents made him. What am I supposed to do? My report is due in more than a week and I still don't know who I should write about. I want to do someone famous, but not too famous, it will be more authentic that way.
WADE: RK, your role model is supposed to be someone who you admire and want to emulate.
RK: So...Alexandra Nechita?
WADE: Dude, what I mean is that you have to think about your guiding light. The biggest influence in your existence and write about them.
RK: That's not really a bad idea. It's time to start thinking inside the box. Hey, maybe I can write about one of my friends.
WADE: RK, I'm very flattered but even if I have, you know, been such an inspiring mentor to you, I could never...
RK: What are you talking about? I meant Sparky.
Wade develops a sad look on his face and RK starts laughing at him.
RK: I HAD YOU GOING, HOO! No, but seriously, I should take your advice.
A blonde haired female reporter comes walking in with a cameraman and boom mic operator.
NEWS LADY: Hello everybody. I'm Rachel Simmons here in the halls of iCarly Elementary School for a special KING5 exclusive. I'm speaking to the young boy who uploaded two pictures of his friend to the social networking site Facebook. The pictures have gotten more than 3,000 likes as of this morning and have been shared and reposted multiple times under the meme "Mornings Be Like."
RK: What in God's name is going on here?
RACHEL SIMMONS: How does it feel to know that the pictures you posted have become the talk of Seattle?
RK: I haven't been on Facebook in more than a few days and I'm very confused about everything.
RACHEL SIMMONS: He's practically speechless.
RK: No, I'm not, I just have no idea what's happening.
WADE: I'm Wade Saltalamacchia. I'm an honors student, I tend to avoid vices such as drugs and alcohol, and I consider myself precocious.
RACHEL SIMMONS: Little boy, are you friends with the friend of your popular friend?
WADE: What?
RACHEL SIMMONS: I will now go to Ms. Hernandez and interview her personally.
RK: She's in the bathroom, you shouldn't go in there like that.
RACHEL SIMMONS: You're right. We'll do it surreptitiously like the best national news anchors. Come on. This is a KING5 exclusive.
Rachel and the rest of her crew walk into the girls' bathroom, but everything is being filmed from outside the room so the viewer only sees the bathroom door after the KING5 crew walks inside.
RACHEL SIMMONS: Jaylynn Hernandez, you're about to be the happiest girl in the world!
JAYLYNN: I'M ON THE F***ING TOILET!
SCENE 10
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is busy talking on the phone.
JAYLYNN: It's just so weird. A week ago, I was a nobody. Now I'm getting interviewed in the bathroom by the local news. It's crazy.
SARAH: It's the power of social media, girl. Hey, are you feeling hungry for some cheese fries?
JAYLYNN: No.
SARAH: Then damn, I really need some. So what are you going to do now, drop out of school?
JAYLYNN: Of course not. I'm just wondering how things are going to turn out.
SARAH: Eh, you shouldn't wonder too much. I hear they're going to make fun of you on Saturday Night Live.
JAYLYNN: Don't really old people watch that show now?
SARAH: I don't think that's their fault. I mean, for some reason, you still watch The Simpsons.
JAYLYNN: That's unrelated. I guess I could watch and see what they're going to say.
SARAH: Oh no, they're actually flying you out to New York City for the show.
JAYLYNN: How do you know all this personal stuff and I don't?
SARAH: I talk to RK sometimes and he found out from NBC.
JAYLYNN: I, um...I don't know how I feel about you talking to my Seattle friends.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is napping on the couch when Jaylynn walks in and slams the door.
RK: GAH, GET AWAY FROM ME, I DON'T WANT TO BUY YOUR MIXTAPE! Oh, it's just you. I scream about my dreams when that happens.
JAYLYNN: Why didn't you tell me NBC was going to fly me out to New York for Saturday Night Live?
RK: I couldn't face you after what happened. You know, in the physical form.
JAYLYNN: Gmail, Facebook, Skype...
RK: I couldn't face you in the digital form either. Look, I've been busy with other stuff and NBC said they were going to call you. Since I took the pictures, they want to fly me out too.
JAYLYNN: Hmmm. Well, I guess I could always use a travel buddy.
RK: Really? So we're cool?
JAYLYNN: We were never not cool, man. Besides, you made me famous so why hate?
RK: It's really weird though. I mean, you're a celebrity now because you made a face. There's like, no bar that's being set anymore for this stuff.
JAYLYNN: I know, but after a while, I realized that all you really need to be famous is a computer and something stupid to say.
RK: True.
SCENE 12
NBC Studios
New York, New York
RK and Jaylynn walk through the back entrance of the set led by the NBC stage manager.
STAGE MANAGER: So this is where SNL is filmed. A whole bunch of writers come together week after week and talk to the cast and stuff. And then they do bits, you know.
JAYLYNN: I don't.
RK: It's beautiful how effortless it is to be so funny. Oh my God, it's Lorne Michaels!
The camera cuts to Lorne Michaels eating a bearclaw and talking to Taran Killam.
RK: And he's having dessert! It's like, every time I come to New York City, I see something awesomesauce.
JAYLYNN: Hey.
RK: I know. You're rubbing off on me and I hate it.
SCENE 13
NBC Studios
New York, New York
The show is currently taking place and the sketch is based on RK taking the pictures. The set has been made to look like Jaylynn's living room. RK and Jaylynn are watching the show from backstage with the stage manager.
VANESSA BAYER: So, like, I was talking to my friend the other day and she said, "You said it." But then I was like, "I didn't say it, but if someone else said it, it couldn't have been me who even said it when it was you or someone else who probably said it."
Beck Bennett comes running in with his phone. People immediately start laughing as Beck looks around at the walls.
BECK BENNETT: Jaylynn, your hair sucks. Let me take a picture of you.
VANESSA BAYER: Noooooooo, I have to be noticed for the content of my character, not for the quality of my follicles!
BECK BENNETT: Already taken.
VANESSA BAYER: You suck, Ryan.
BECK BENNETT: How about another?
VANESSA BAYER: How about I give you a knuckle sandwich?
BECK BENNETT: What?
VANESSA BAYER: You know, a shot in the calzones, a little business dinner if you will.
BECK BENNETT: Um...IT'S NOT COMPLICATED!
"RK" punches "Jaylynn" in the face and runs out of the room while the crowd loses their mind in laughter. One guy starts crying and then throws his drink on an audience member sitting in front of him.
JAYLYNN: Wow. They are...something.
STAGE MANAGER: They really are. And if you think they're hilarious now, you should see what they do with a good script.
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
TWO DAYS LATER...
RK comes back home with a suitcase and messed up hair. KG greets him at the door wearing a suit and tie.
KG: Mr. Jennings, I've been expecting you. Might I say you look like a handsome young stud tonight.
RK: It's the morning, KG. I had to adjust to another time zone and I'm a little tired, so do you think we can keep the shenanigans to a minimum?
KG: That depends. I have something that might interest you.
RK: What, the cheap pelican suit?
KG: Rodney's mom bought this for me, you little...never mind. Real role models settle things in a mature way.
RK: Dude, you're killing me with this nonsense.
KG: While you were away, I filmed a video selling my skills as a positive influence to children. I think you will find it very interesting and the main reason I should be the subject of your English essay.
RK: Alright, weirdo, show me what ya got.
KG: RK, you are about to experience your older brother in ways you never thought possible. Presenting Kevin Garnett Jennings...family member by day, humanitarian every day.
KG plays the tape on the TV. We see KG stand in front of the living room sofa wearing the suit and tie as he is wearing now.
KG: Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is Kevin Garnett Jennings, though my friends call me KG. What I'm about to show you are my contributions to the youth of America, and I hope I can touch your life the way I've touched these little buggers. Let's take a look, shall we?
KG has a big smile while RK just looks annoyed. The video first shows KG at Wade's kitchen table with it being covered in homework.
(narration) KG: I like to spend some of my free time helping out needy, underprivileged kids with homework. *In real time* Let's see here. Wade, you got #9, #12, and #13 wrong. Let's try it again.
WADE: I checked my calculations, everything is perfect. And you haven't done anything to help me. You just showed up without saying anything and stared at me like a creep for twenty minutes.
KG: No one else will show kids how much they care with just a simple facial expression. But I do.
WADE: Who the hell are you talking to?
The video cuts to KG sitting down with Buster in his living room at his condo.
KG: I live to educate today's youth. Just the other day, I was telling a kid some very important facts to carry him through life.
BUSTER: Wait, what are you doing here again?
KG: I wanted to tell you where people go after they die.
BUSTER: I already know that.
KG: You don't know about super hell though.
BUSTER: S-super hell?
KG: Yup, super hell. Kids usually go there because God has no more room anywhere else. It's so bad, Satan himself did a number one in his pants just thinking about it. You can either be a really good boy and go to Heaven, or you can end up in super hell if you do anything really, really bad. Or your ass will just fall in the ground, I don't know.
BUSTER: You're a monster.
KG: Super hell is a monster, watch out for it.
RK stops the video at that moment.
KG: RK, you're going to miss the part where I help these Spanish kids play the clarinet with their toes!
RK: That...was absolutely pathetic. You're not a real role model. You're someone who expects to be one so you can get cheap recognition. Which is why I don't want to write about someone like you.
KG: What are you saying?
RK: I'm doing my report on someone else. You know, someone that doesn't need to be applauded for their work. Look at you, you're more pitiful than Charles Manson or John Hinckley or Cosby.
KG: Oh, is that so? Well, RK, prepare to find out what happens when your role model shows you what not to do.
RK: What the hell are you talking about?
KG punches RK in the face, knocking him out.
KG: Would a real role model do that, RK? RK?
The phone rings at that moment and KG picks it up. The camera briefly cuts to Uncle Carmine on the other line and then back to KG.
KG: Who is this?
UNCLE CARMINE: It's the milkman. Who do you think it is, IT'S YOUR FREAKING UNCLE AND I NEED YOU TO COME VISIT ME IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL!
KG: Uncle Carmine, I know how this works. You eat something you shouldn't have, you're in the hospital for five days maximum because of food poisoning, and you come back out just fine. No one's coming to visit you.
UNCLE CARMINE: You know, you're a crappy nephew. Let me talk to your brother. He knows how much I'm dying.
KG: He's a little tired right now, he's sleeping.
UNCLE CARMINE: TELL HIM TO WAKE THE F*** UP AND COME SEE ME BEFORE I CROAK!
KG: Happy Halloween.
KG hangs up the phone and tries poking RK, then RK shocks him by knocking him out.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is eating soup by herself when Rachel Simmons and her crew come by.
JAYLYNN: Shit. Guys, I'm a little wiped out. I just want to enjoy my clam chowder.
RACHEL SIMMONS: This will only take a minute. I'm Rachel Simmons here at iCarly Elementary School once again, interviewing one of the most popular figures in social media today: Jaylynn Hernandez.
JAYLYNN: I'm not, really, you might be exaggerating for TV but...
RACHEL SIMMONS: So Jaylynn, how do you feel being such an inspiring presence for young girls and women?
JAYLYNN: Are you high? Or drunk, or anything in between?
RACHEL SIMMONS: No, but I do take anti-anxiety meds. Your picture has been called "very relatable and humorous" by national news and media outlets.
JAYLYNN: Eh, you guys might be overselling it. I took a picture by accident, I'm not a role model. People are idiots that way.
RACHEL SIMMONS: So you don't care about the people you've helped give a good laugh and mentor?
JAYLYNN: I haven't mentored anybody. I haven't done anything, my face is a meme and anyone who tries to make me a hero or a role model for it is stupid.
SCENE 16
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is checking out the latest issue of the Seattle Times that Wade is showing her.
JAYLYNN: "The feisty meme madame known as Jaylynn Hernandez has sent shockwaves throughout the country with her scathing rant on the local news, requesting not to be seen as a role model for her popular pictures on social media." I don't get it. I told the truth, how is that scathing?
WADE: Because you insulted so many people who looked up to you. Now you have to fix it.
JAYLYNN: I'm ten years old, I'm too short for people to look up to me! A real role model is someone who fights overseas or helps out their community. What the hell can I do that those people can't?
WADE: Jaylynn, that's not the point. People liked your pictures so by extension, they liked you. Role models are people that make a positive influence in someone's life. It doesn't matter if you're in the military or you shoot a basketball, people respect you. And you need to do what you can to fix it before everyone hates you.
JAYLYNN: Well, I have a radio interview in a few days. Maybe that will help clear things up.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK opens the front door and drops his bag on the floor.
RK: KG, you won't believe what happened at school today. Buster took one sniff of Mrs. Bernstein's salad, the woman went nuts.
KG walks out of the kitchen with an apple.
KG: Really? Tell me more.
RK: Well, Mrs. Bernstein was overreacting. She damn near scared Buster because she was...
KG throws the apple at RK's leg, knocking him down.
KG: That's what I like to call "off the cuff."
RK: WHAT...ARE YOU DOING...NOW?!
KG: Look, if you don't think I'm a role model the conventional way, I'll do it the opposite way.
RK: By torturing me physically?
KG: No, by showing you what a role model isn't supposed to do. I set a positive example through me negative examples.
RK: Did some wires get crossed when you were born?
KG: No. But I should let you know that I stashed a whole bunch of cocaine in your room and my drug buddies are going to come soon and smoke it there.
RK: Why would you do this ridiculous shit?
KG: Because I can't leave that stuff in my room, it's going to attract the police. And do you know what will happen to me as your guardian in the slammer?
RK: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE STUPID CRACK! You are so wrapped up in trying to be a role model, you're forgetting the whole point of role models in the first place. People actually have to look up to THEM.
KG: Oh please, you look up to me.
RK: If I did, I wouldn't be kicking you in the stomach right now.
KG: What are you...
At that point, RK kicks KG in the midsection.
RK: Consider that a warning. Next time you annoy me, I'm killing you.
SCENE 18
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Sarah are watching TV late at night.
JAYLYNN: Sarah, I'm sorry, but I have to go to sleep. I have a big radio interview in the morning.
SARAH: Come on, one more movie?
JAYLYNN: Nooooo, I have adult responsibilities right now.
SARAH: Hey, I can be a responsible adult. I'm giving you motherly advice that you should watch another movie with me.
JAYLYNN: I want to argue with that logic, but I love your voice so much I'm going to just go with it.
SCENE 19
KWAS 90.7
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks into the booth at the radio station with a hoodie, sweatpants, and sunglasses. She looks tired and a little annoyed.
DISC JOCKEY: Jaylynn, I'm glad you're here on the show this morning.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I bet you are.
DISC JOCKEY #2: Alright, well, are you ready to talk about your little fiasco on the news the other day?
JAYLYNN: Sure, whatever.
DISC JOCKEY #1: Alright. You're on the air with DJ Ace Combo and Mr. Trump Card. This is Ace Trump in the Morning with our special guest, Jaylynn Hernandez. She has been taking the world by storm with her two Facebook pictures that have broken social media over the past few weeks.
JAYLYNN: Alrighty then.
TRUMP CARD: So Jaylynn, what was your intention when you took these pictures?
JAYLYNN: My friend was annoying me, I was caught off guard, I don't know why everyone made it such a big deal.
ACE COMBO: Well, have you really had time to consume the fame?
JAYLYNN: Consume the fame? No, I have school and stuff and all these people are acting like Wonder Woman over a picture so fame really makes no difference in my life. It's just a background thing, you know?
TRUMP CARD: Cool, so Jaylynn, I always loved your red hair. Can I see it?
JAYLYNN: You found out I existed a short time ago, I don't think that statement holds a lot of weight. But I'll tell you how I do it. I was born with long black hair. I spent years with it until I saw Hayley Williams for the first time and said, "That's the look for me." So I cut my hair and dyed it and the rest is history.
ACE COMBO: Well, it's a cute look.
JAYLYNN: Thanks. You know, I do my best to be attractive to girls.
TRUMP CARD: Oh, so you play for the same team?
JAYLYNN: I never got that saying, it sounds so stupid.
ACE COMBO: You know, you don't sound excited to be here. I mean, several days ago, this British interviewer came to town and you were so bubbly.
JAYLYNN: That's nice and all, but I can't be expected to be all excited because I'm on the freaking radio. It's just common sense.
TRUMP CARD: You sound tired, Jay, you should maybe drink a Mountain Dew or something.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, and maybe you should stop asking me stupid f***ing questions.
SCENE 20
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is sitting down with Wade.
WADE: RK, are you sure you're not exaggerating?
RK: Of course not. He thinks that by doing what a role model shouldn't do, it's setting a positive example.
WADE: Wow. We need to do something.
RK: Do what? KG's insane, man. The only way to get to insane people is to be even more insane. Like, slashing their tires or stabbing their guts out.
WADE: Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if we were normal kids.
RK: Maybe this is easier than we think. If KG is faced with a real problem that he can solve, he can prove that he's a role model and end this nonsense.
WADE: Yeah, but what's the problem he would need to solve?
RK: I'll tell him one of my "problems" and he'll give me advice. Then he'll think he's a real role model and he won't act like such a loser anymore.
WADE: I really hope this works. KG is as dense as they come.
RK: Don't worry, this is an RK Jennings Moment. Those never fail. And I better do this soon, because he's annoying me more than you do when you ask me rhetorical questions.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK and Wade are doing homework at RK's place.
WADE: Did you get to your math yet?
RK: Well, I don't think I've...
WADE: You haven't done your math yet.
RK: God, will you let me answer first?!
SCENE 21
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky opens the door to find Jaylynn sitting on the couch, despondent.
SPARKY: I had a feeling you would be here.
JAYLYNN: Well, obviously. It's my house, you idiot.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, it's me.
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry. Sometimes, it's just really hard for me to turn it off. I'm depressed.
SPARKY: Because you blew the radio show?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, let's go with that. What am I supposed to do? I never wanted the attention anyway and now, I'm America's most hated celebrity.
SPARKY: This is probably more simple than you think.
JAYLYNN: How? I'm all out of options.
SPARKY: Just organize a press conference and explain that you were out of line.
JAYLYNN: Why should I have to do that? I was telling the truth. I'm the last person people should be looking up to. Honestly, someone like me has no business being a role model.
SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, I know you really don't like all this publicity, but it was for a good reason. People related to that picture and they ended up relating to you. You're funny, smart, sweet, independent. Maybe seeing your picture brightened up someone's day or got them through a tough time. If people want to claim you as inspiring or motivational, I see nothing wrong with that. It's about how you handle it that matters.
Jaylynn looks at the floor contemplating what Sparky just said.
SCENE 22
The Jennings Household
Exterior Front Yard
Seattle, Washington
RK is finishing putting wires on Buster's chest, then closes up his button down shirt.
BUSTER: Why am I doing this?
RK: Because I'm paying you $100 and you love me.
BUSTER: Man, don't be gross about this. This was your idea, why do you need me?
RK: Because it will look too suspicious if I'm telling him. Just say what I told you to say, KG will give you his advice, and we reveal that we have been recording the conversation. KG is so moved, he realizes how stupid he's been acting, and we all go back to our normal lives.
BUSTER: What if he gives me bad advice or I forget my lines?
Wade leaves his car at that moment.
WADE: Just say the special codephrase: "Marcus Garvey has all the answers."
RK: What kind of codephrase is that? I thought we agreed on "Como conquistadores."
WADE: That's never going to work. We need something easy to remember. So Buster, if you run into any trouble, just remember the codephrase.
BUSTER: Got it. "Malcolm X has vitiligo."
WADE: DUDE!
BUSTER: I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought for a minute. Okay, Marcus Garvey has all the answers. Marcus Garvey has all the answers.
Buster walks into the house at that moment as RK and Wade go inside Wade's car, listening to everything through a special radio.
WADE: Do you think he'll remember the phrase?
RK: Probably not. You know what would have been great? "Como conquistadores."
WADE: NO!
RK: Don't stifle my creative suggestions!
KG is watching TV as Buster stands near the door, frozen. KG then notices that Buster is there.
KG: Oh hey, Buster. What can I do for you?
BUSTER: Um...um, waka waka, this time for Africa.
Buster slaps himself in the face and he remembers what he is supposed to say.
BUSTER: Oh yeah. I'm dealing with something right now.
WADE: Why did you pick Buster for this anyway?
RK: He was the only one available. I couldn't choose Jaylynn, she has her own story. I think Sparky's a part of it now too if I'm not mistaken.
WADE: Dude, the plan!
RK: Oh yeah, right.
KG: Buster, what exactly are you dealing with?
BUSTER: Oh yeah. My PROBLEM. THAT I'M DEALING WITH.
KG: Why are you shouting?!
BUSTER: I DON'T KNOW. Um...I feel like shooting up my school.
KG: WHAT?!
WADE: WHAT?!
BUSTER: WHAT?! Oh yeah, I'm planning to shoot up the school.
WADE: That's what you came up with?! Bringing a gun to school?!
RK: I-I was pressed for time.
KG: Buster, why would you ever want to do something like that?
BUSTER: You want to know why? I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm stupid. Everywhere I go, people act like I don't know stuff. I know stuff. I'm really smart and it's time people understand that. I'm going to do it tomorrow. I'm going to steal RK's gun, and make those bastards pay for rejecting me. And making fun of my haircut.
KG: Look, dude, I know the world is frustrating. Everyone feels like they want to just snap and destroy things and everything will be okay. But trust me, there are better ways to solve your problems. Killing people isn't worth it. I even knew a guy who committed suicide because he felt like nobody loved him. There's no reason why you should ever feel the need to hurt people like that. Think about your friends, think about your parents and your cat. They wouldn't want to find out you killed people and then yourself, now would they?
BUSTER: No. They would be really sad.
KG: They would. Buster, there's no point in bringing a gun to school and killing people. You're smarter than that. You're one of the smartest people I know. In fact, I don't know if you know this, but when it comes to RK's friends, you're my favorite.
BUSTER: I am?
KG: Always have been.
WADE: Buster's his favorite? Why not me?
RK: Because you're cynical, deadpan, snarky, pretentious, a little arrogant, and extremely pessimistic on almost everything.
WADE: Hey, that actually hurt.
KG: Buster, look, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I don't want you having these thoughts.
BUSTER: Thanks KG. Now I know I should never try to kill people.
WADE: Isn't it a little too late for him to be saying that?
RK: Hey, Diana made him do it.
WADE: True.
BUSTER: Shit, the codephrase. Um, um...Benjamin Franklin asks a lot of...questions.
KG: Did you just say, "Benjamin Franklin asks a lot of questions?"
BUSTER: Yes, I'm quite flushed with emotion right now. Um, um...the Black Panthers know what they're doing. Wait a minute, nope. K-K-KARL MARX HAS HIV! THE CHIPMUNK HAS PNEUMONIA! MARCUS GARVEY HAS ALL THE ANSWERS!
KG: What the hell is...
RK and Wade burst through the door and fall over.
RK: I just came home.
WADE: We went to buy Fetty Wap tickets.
BUSTER: Yeah, and at no point was I ever wearing a wire or reciting a script. At no point.
RK: You just f***ed it up, man.
BUSTER: WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!
KG: Wait a minute. You guys set the whole thing up?! Are you insane?!
RK: I guess we are.
WADE: One-third of us.
RK: But not nearly as insane as you. At least I don't try to force my way onto my brother's homework.
KG: Right. Your report. Look, RK, I had some time to think and I just want to say I'm sorry for being so petty. As far as I could remember, I always wanted you to look up to me. I guess I went a little too far trying to prove it.
RK: KG, I've always looked up to you. You're the best brother a guy could have. But you know what? If you showed me more of what you just showed Buster, you would make a great role model for someone.
KG: You think so?
RK: I know so.
KG: By the way, who did you end up writing about?
RK: I forgot. CM Punk, I think.
KG: Eh, he's cool.
RK: Yeah.
The phone rings at that moment and KG picks it up.
KG: Talk to me. Yes, what about him? No, stop joking around. I just spoke to him the other day, he was fine! Yeah, sure. I'll pass it along, thank you.
KG hangs up the phone and his hands start trembling.
RK: KG, what's happening?
KG: The hospital called. Dude...Uncle Carmine's dead.
RK: What? He's dead?!
KG nods in confirmation and RK runs up to hug him. The two immediately start crying as Buster and Wade stand around not knowing what to do or say.
SCENE 23
The Hernandez Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
There are cameras and press people all over the backyard as a conference has been set up. Sarah, Anja, and Lynne are all sitting in the front row along with a few reporters. Sparky is at the podium with Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I don't know. I'm worried nobody's going to care about this.
SPARKY: Do you see all these people? Of course they're going to care. Just read what you wrote and you'll be just fine. And I'm going to stand right here if you need me.
JAYLYNN: Alright. I think I can do it now.
SARAH: Should be a great speech.
ANJA: Well, Jaylynn's always been a great speaker.
SARAH: Well, yeah. I knew that already.
ANJA: Hey, just because you knew Jaylynn back in Portland, doesn't mean you're better than me.
SARAH: I never thought that.
LYNNE: I hope she chokes.
SARAH: That's a terrible thing to say. Why do you hate her so much anyway?
LYNNE: Why are you still here?
SARAH: It's complicated.
JAYLYNN: Can I have everybody's attention, please? Thank you. Now, I would like to apologize for the radio incident. I stayed up late the night before and was very grouchy.
Sarah starts whistling and looking around the yard.
JAYLYNN: For a while, I've been wondering why I'm so famous. I've been wondering why everybody looks at me as some hero or role model. I mean, all I did was take a picture. Then I realized that role models can be anyone. If I made a difference in somebody's life, it doesn't matter what I do or how successful I am. A role model should be someone you admire and respect, AND I'M HERE TO LET THE WORLD KNOW I'M READY TO BE AN INSPIRING LEADER!
The crowd starts applauding and cheering as Jaylynn tries to calm them down.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. I mean, does anybody really care about this upcoming election? I thought I saw a turkey on TV, but it was just the Republican party.
The crowd and Sparky all start laughing.
JAYLYNN: And what's the deal with the police? They're here killing innocent people and they wonder why the murder rate is up. "Duh, I don't know, I was just out and about killing a black guy, I don't know."
More laughing and cheering.
JAYLYNN: This is easier than I thought. And you know what? One more thing. The Pope is an overrated piece of trash, and everyone in that freaking "Catholic Church"...CAN SUCK. MY...
The scene immediately cuts to Sparky and Jaylynn in Jaylynn's living room.
JAYLYNN: Everybody's so sensitive these days. I mean, just because I'm famous, I can't criticize the Pope?
SPARKY: NO!
The scene fades to black and the episode ends. We then see the main five at CenturyLink Field during a Seahawks game.
TSE: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Role Model" by Eminem playing in the end credits)
©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS