Private Emotion, a trigun fanfic

Title: Private Emotion

Author: Katarzyna K Yue

Pairing: Vash x Wolfwood :)

Rating: PG

Author notes: Well guys heres my first ever Trigun, song and first fan fiction ever! Okay so I wrote 2 other fics in my life before but they were rubbish, hopefully this one isn't *prays* I hope you guys like it and criticism on how I can improve is welcome, basically I think I'm terrible at writing, but hey I gave it a try.

Disclaimer: I don't own them....the creator of Trigun does *curses* I want them! *Holds onto Vash and Wolfie*

Warning: Okay now this is a YAOI (actually it could be shounen-ai), so if you either do not like yaoi, again don't like it but are going to read it anyway and flame me then please leave! Your very welcome to read it whether you like yaoi or not, but I do not want non yaoi lovers flaming me since they shouldn't read if they only want to flame me in the end. I don't flame straight fics, I like straight fics, but some I don't because of the pairing but I respect the person because they write very well and I either write a nice review of how good they write. Or I do not write a review if I think it's bad. So please respect me and do the same!

Also this has spoilers for ep.23 of the anime!!!!!!!!

*this means talking telepathically*

**************************************************************************************

When he died.....I don't know how long I wept, I had gone into the church following the blood trail, hoping it was someone else's, but somehow in the back of mind I knew that it was his. But I didn't want to believe it and I still don't, I always believe that one day he'll show up behind me and surprise me saying it was all a joke. But when I got there I saw you leaning on the cross like Jesus would have when carrying his own cross up to where he would be crucified. I denied your death, but as I checked you pulse for life on that hand that lay lifeless on the cold barbell floor, it became clear that you were.......I can't even say the words. I don't know how long I held you then, in my arms, crying unaccountably, just holding you close to me, as if though make you a part of me or give your life back to your body by giving some of mine. But your face just lay lifeless on my chest with that sad smile on your face, and I still looked down at you as my tears dampened cold face. But sometime later I realised I had to bury you and tell the girls for they had to know. So I lifted you up into my arms carefully not to hurt your peaceful sleep and I went to give you a proper burial. I went to tell the girls, but somehow they already knew, both were weeping like I had, but I just remained un expressionless, I didn't want them to see my tears or emotions of sadness in my eyes. It would only upset them more and myself, so I wore my glasses to hide the emotions in my eyes from any form of life to look into them and perhaps I thought I could hide my sadness somehow from myself by wearing them.

As I went to the next town, I realised looking at all those people, in pairs, as either friend's or lovers, talking and embracing I realised I couldn't hold back anymore, and I dropped the bag of donuts i loved so much and cried with all my heart.

I'm now sitting on a cliff, looking out onto the colourless horizon, remembering you and how I killed Legato, because of the pain he caused with repeating your name, playing with my mind.

I had actually killed a man....would you hate me now? Now that I had gone against my old ways and beliefs......those beliefs that got you killed. If I hadn't have forced my ways onto you, you would have never have died, because you would have killed that man that shot you instead of walking off and having mercy on him as I would have.

What am I supposed to do? What would I do without you?

I had killed my brother and buried him respectfully, but somehow no matter how much I tried to forget your death, it wouldn't leave me alone. You saved me, in my time of need, being almost killed by my brother, I heard your voice tell me what to do.

I still don't know if it was my need to want to hear your voice again, or if it was really you, talking to me through the white heavens above.

I wound both my arms around my legs and pulled them up to my chest, and rocked back and forth slowly, remembering you.

You never were disgusted at the site of my naked, scared body....you only looked upon it as if it was something you saw everyday or something not out of the ordinary.

You always understood my feelings and if there was true happiness or what emotions where behind my smile before I even did....you knew me so well for the short time we knew each other and I really hadn't told you anything, but you somehow knew. I told you many more things about myself than I would have told anyone, that is how much I truly trusted you and knew I could confide in you. You always knew how to read my movements before I even executed them, you were as good as I was, perhaps better in many ways and we always knew what the other was thinking.

But you never did know my private emotions, as I like to call them. Private emotions are emotions that people or myself like to bottle up privately and not release them to anyone, perhaps not even themselves or myself. Feelings you didn't realise until that private lock was broken by another earth shattering emotion.

My first lock broke when I met you....the lock of my true smile

The second when I got to know you....the lock of trust

The third when you saved me countless times, even from a child....the lock of protectiveness

And the last when you.......died....the lock of love and sadness

When the last lock had been broken my emotions crumbled and I was lost on what to do, like a small child needing guidance that only you could give. But in time I realised you were gone and one of my private emotions would never be told to you, for it was too late.

I look out onto the horizon asking myself again if it was really I who killed you, by placing my own ways of living onto you, and I still debate it with myself.

I'm suddenly blinded by a bright alluminous light and I shield my eyes from going blind, but I see a shadow and then I hear a voice soothes my worries away...

"You didn't kill me Tongari....I would have never have killed that man...he may have been a Gung ho gun but he was my teacher. Even if you hadn't had forced your teachings upon me, I would still have not killed him because I believed in your teachings then and decided not to kill him on my own and start fresh, but it backfired on me. It's true I didn't want to die that way...but God hadn't forgiven me or it was either that I hadn't forgiven myself and lost strength to live on. I wish I was still here with you...but let this time we have now, allow us to release our private emotions.

*Song starts*

I unwound my arms from my eyes and looked upon the figure of the person I loved, standing there, perfectly all right, smiling at me and holding out his arms to me as if calling to me. My instincts took over and I ran to him.

Every endless night has a

dawning day

I ran towards him with blistering speed, as I ran I saw him covered with a white light, like an angel

Every darkest sky has a shining ray

And it shines on you

baby can't you see

I didn't care if I couldn't grasp him, I just wanted to be near him and tell him my feelings that I couldn't confess to him before

You're the only one who can

shine for me

I got to him and unbelievably I held him in my arms, and him the same to me

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight

And a silence falls between us

"How?... how can I hold you?...your supposed to be de...." He stops me we two fingers pressed to me lips to silence the next word, as if to keep hurt from entering his and my heart at that words affect

As the shadows steal the light

And wherever you may find it

"Tongari...feelings and love go deeper than flesh...I missed you Tongari.....I'm sorry I left you", he said in the smoothest voice possible as if trying to comfort me with just words.

Wherever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

"I missed you to...why did you come back now?...and how?"

Come to me

"Silly Tongari...I have been watching over you everyday since I left this Earth....and you....believe me I didn't want to die, but my sins were to great I couldn't get forgiveness", he said sadly.

When your soul is tired and your

heart is weak

I wept, wept at the thought that someone as good as him had not got forgiveness, he may have killed people, but he was a good person, why then can I hold him now as if he was alive?

Do you think of love as a one way street

Well it runs both ways,

open up your eyes

As if he read my mind he answered my question with one simple sentence "I love you". I then understood his love for me had brought him here, like an angel not finished with his tasks on Earth, his unfinished business and granted time to do what he needed.

Can't you see me here,

how can you deny

I can feel him hug me closer to his unearthly warmth, and I grasped him stronger to me, as if afraid he would disappear, and whispered the words of my private emotion that I could not say before, whilst burying my face in his warm chest.

It's a private emotion that fills you tonight

And a silence falls between us

"I..... love you...Nicholas......I always have........now you know my private emotion", I said as I sobbed into his warmth

As the shadows steal the light

And wherever you may find it

He just smiled and hugged me closer and placed a kiss onto the top of my head and stroked my back as I cried tears of happiness and sadness as we stood in silence, just happy to embrace each other.

Wherever it may lead

Let your private emotion come to me

Happiness of seeing him again, and sadness of knowing he would leave soon......but somehow I knew, we would meet again in another life

We just stood there embracing and holding each other tightly as we could, as he slowly placed kisses onto my pale neck, making me shiver.

Come to me

He placed his soft tanned mouth near me ear and whispered, not through his voice but through his mind, but his lips still moved against my ear as if to make what he was saying more reassuring to me.

*One day Tongari, together we will be in Eden, with no worries I promise, and with only our love to make us happy for a life time*

Every endless night has a

dawning day

*I know Nick...just hold me a bit longer please?......It will be hard enough seeing you leave, just hold me*

Every darkest sky has a shining ray

Nick then held me closer to him, we were pressed so close I could swear we would become one entity

It takes a lot to laugh as your

tears go by

*We just stood there holding each other closer, each of us crying out all the private emotions we couldn't before

But you can find me here till your

tears run dry

He started to wipe my tears away from my face with his thumbs and held my face with his hands

It's a private emotion that fills

you tonight

"I must leave Tongari....I'm sorry I can't stay longer.....but remember we will meet someday in Eden and be eternally happy together, with everyone else", he told me smiling a sad smile.

And a silence falls between us

As the shadows steal the light

I started to cry more, but he stopped me, with his by singing a sweet tune I knew and loved as he stroked my hair and back

And wherever you may find it

Wherever it may lead

He then started to disappear, fading like the wind flying into the horizon, and he bent down and kissed me lips gently, a ghostly yet full of feeling kiss and whispered onto my lips "Tongari, remember I will be watching over you forever until you come to see me in Eden".

Let your private emotion come to me

Come to me

Come to me....

He then began to slowly drift off into the sky, but I held his hand trying to not let him go, but it disappeared from my own and I saw him leave with soothing words on his lips and I promise in his eyes.

I fell to my knees and wept, but not tears of sadness, but tears of a promise made, a promise to see him again in Eden.

I had not told him all my private emotions, but I would when I met him again.

I don't know how long a sat there looking up at the sky as if he would reappear....it could have been a century, a day, a minute or a second. But it didn't matter because I had a long time to live....I then stood up and turned on my heel and walked away from the place we met again, walked off into the horizon to lead my life as I should have, knowing that one day I would go to Eden to be with him.

The sunsets colours covered my body making me look more innocent than I was....it was as if he was covering me with a blanket of heat to protect me from the nights cold. I smiled and walked on......

I went on with my life, but there wasn't a day I didn't miss him or think of him.......and finally that faithful day arrived...I died in my sleep, without pain. I had seen him in my dreams brining me to Eden and when I woke up I realised it wasn't a dream anymore.... it was real.

I was there with the others and him......holding me tightly to his body and crying tears of happiness to finally have me with him and I did the same, we whispered words of love to each other again, and then I realised........I didn't need to tell him my private emotions anymore, he already knew....he knew everything about me and I knew all of his, that's the way it had always been between us.

Do you think of love as a one way street

Well it runs both ways,

open up your eyes

Let your private emotion come to me

Come to me

Come to me...

**************************************************************************************

Sorry this was so short guys.....gomen! ^_^ but this was in Font 10. And I'm sorry it was less detailed, but I tried to make all the speeches and descriptions short so that when you play the song while reading this that it would fit just in time for you to read the sentence on the part of the song where it's supposed to play. Next time I'll write a more descriptive one, but not a song fic, also this is my first attempt at a song fic so don't shoot me, pls!

Please give me comments I crave them! I'm terribly sorry about making Vash and Wolfwood OCC but I had to, and yes it's sappy I know, but I like sappy fics.

Ah well Ja ne! ^____________________^