Spoilers up until book three (and possibly further)
This Side of Paradise
'For a terrible moment, Thalia hesitated. She gazed at Luke, her eyes full of pain, as if the only thing she wanted in the world was to believe him.
Then she leveled her spear'
- Percy Jackson: The Titan's Curse
Luke is free as he runs away from home, free from bonds and his mother's voice. He's free until the first monster crosses his path and his true lineage forces him to fight. But as soon as it shrivels to dust around him, he's free again.
He stumbles across a blue-eyed, black-haired girl, and she challenges him in a way like no other. With Thalia by his side, he doesn't want to just run, he wants to show everyone that he's doing it, that he's not pulled down by laws, be they ancient or modern, not responsible to anyone but himself and her.
It's not the same when the little one joins, but he can see the fondness in Thalia's eyes and soon he understands it all too well. Annabeth is small and stronger than he was her age and her clear, grey eyes tells him of all the things he wants to run from, yet knows he must face. Together, the three of them are invincible.
Until the monsters come back.
They're fighting and running and the days blur together in an endless haze of hiding and blood and fear wretched on his girl's faces. Annabeth is only seven and shouldn't even understand death and fear in the way she does, but he sees the glint of recognition every time Thalia flinches and points her spear in the direction of the startling sound.
He wants to keep them safe and the only way to do that is to get them to camp. A small part of him whispers 'no', because then it won't be the three of them anymore. His jealous heart imagines Thalia looking at someone else, someone better and stronger than him, in the way he imagines her looking at him sometimes. In the way he wants her to look at him.
But the reality of them dying always pulls him back from selfish thoughts like those and Luke knows what he must do, what he will always do to keep them safe.
Grover crashes into their trio like a rainbow of rasta-colored hats and half-chewed soda cans. Luke doesn't hold it in himself to resent the satyr much, because Grover is the nicest person he's met since he left home and he doesn't mind the extra hand. Thalia scoffs at first, mumbling something about how the others could at least have sent a proper guardian, but she doesn't say anything too loud and Luke knows that she doesn't mind, like she lets on.
With Grover as their guide, the journey is going much faster and Luke can feel it, the tingle of magic as they reach Half-blood hill. It's either the protective border or the monsters that are so close behind them he can feel their hot breath on his back.
After it's over, he's not completely sure whose fault it is. Thalia for sacrificing herself or maybe Grover for going along with her plan and bringing him and Annabeth to safety, while the blue-eyed, dark-haired beauty of his dreams is dying for them.
Maybe it's himself who is to blame, for allowing it to happen.
In the end, he settles on Zeus, for doing nothing for his daughter except turning her into a fucking tree, on Hades for sending the minions and for the rest of the gods for not intervening.
He doesn't visit the tree. He knows Annabeth does, almost every evening. Chiron lets her break the curfew as long as Grover goes with her and whiles the young girl never asks him, because she hates to see the sorrow and guilt on the satyrs face, he always comes anyway. The first few nights she tried to take Luke too, but he doesn't answer her requests and so, they leave him alone.
He sneaks after them, watches the pain on their features, wondering if he looks like that. None of the campers send him the looks of pity that Annabeth and Grover gain, instead there's always an air of respect and awe. Maybe it's because they've seen him in the training area, because something in his mind keeps telling him that maybe, if he just gets strong enough, Thalia will somehow come back.
Luke knows this is a big lie, but he can't help himself. He dreams and hopes, all the way through summer and when winter comes and everything is covered in snow, he looks at the now clear, white tree, and remembers the dark clothes Thalia always wore, the way she would scowl whenever he would tease her, the determined look in her eyes as she ran towards another monster threatening her friends.
She isn't coming back. And he knows who to blame.
He gets restless as he trains and trains and trains. Nothing happens and time moves too slow at Camp Half-Blood, until all of the sudden too much time has passed and he can't stand it anymore.
She isn't coming back.
He goes to Chiron and asks for a quest, a little surprised when his wish is granted. The centaur looks at him with something akin to pity in his eyes, the way the other campers looked at Annabeth so long ago. They don't anymore, because she's not seven and small and frightened and lost. Her eyes glint determinedly and though the color is wrong, he's seen it before. He's proud to see it, but it also burns and he hopes that the fact that he's stopped looking her directly in the eye when they talk, haven't hurt her too much.
She tells him to be careful and to come back safely. There's fear in her eyes, but she doesn't plead with him not to go. There's a slight undertone of hesitation, as if she wants to go too, but he doesn't give her to chance to ask. He doesn't want to see another tree standing outside their borders, because that is apparently the best the Gods can come up with.
The quest takes longer than he expects it to and when he gets home, the wound on his face is burning like acid and the voice of The Lord of Time is still booming in his head. His whole being feels shaken and he stops for a little while, placing his hand on the tree. He half-expects his palm to meet soft skin or maybe at least the rough leather from her jacket, but there's just wood and his brain screams at how wrong it is.
He stumbles over the magical borders and wonders what it would have been like if she was there with him. If he concentrates hard enough, he can feel her soft lips beneath his, but it isn't real and she isn't coming back.
Hate has taken root deep inside of him, as if it's been burned in with the dragon's poison. A small voice whispers to him that he is only being manipulated and the voice sounds like a mix of Thalia and Annabeth, the same determination and courage that floated through theirs, when it was just the three of them.
He remembers the challenge in stormy-blue eyes as the daughter of Zeus hisses to him. "Let me come with you. Take me anywhere, anywhere that isn't here."
He almost runs out to the tree, almost drags Annabeth with him, but he's too afraid that she won't understand, won't agree with his plans. So he does it alone and he can feel himself fading slowly, but thoughts of Thalia's smile keeps him grounded. He's doing this because she didn't deserve her fate. He's doing it because the Gods are cruel. The only good thing that comes out of it, is that he's able to look Annabeth in the eyes again and he wants to shout at her, yell out that he's finally doing something, but the voice in his head tells him no. It has stopped sounding like his girl's, and is instead deep and dark, like the pit of Tartarus where his new master is caged.
"You may not be able to bring her back, but you can at least avenge her." The voice says and he knows it's true. The Gods are cruel.
Luke is happy that it is only Percy that seeks him out in the forest after the latter's quest. The boy reminds him eerily of Thalia and something he thinks used to be himself, a long time ago. And he doesn't want to see the look on Annabeth's face, when she's told of what he's done. She doesn't understand, not yet, but he tells himself that one day, she will. He knows it's a lie, but he doesn't think about this, doesn't allow himself to think about anything, as he poisons the tree and pretends he doesn't care.
It's the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Or so he thinks.
It's almost a year later, and she's standing there in all her glory. She looks older and it's the first time it hits him that the tree allowed her to grow. He still holds the image of her from back then and he wonders what he must look like to her now. He isn't her protector anymore, in fact he's a startling opposite and he's standing there with a bound and captive Annabeth, knife at her throat. He can't make himself look into those blue eyes and when he does, he regrets it immediately. They cut through him like steel and he's left feeling empty and hopeless, wondering when he became a pawn for Kronos and if he even really ever did it for her or for himself.
She charges at him and he fights back, because that's what his instincts are telling him to do, and he hasn't survived this long without listening to them. Her voice rings sharp and clear in his ears ('you could never beat me, Luke') and he thinks it's the most wondrous sounds he's heard in almost eight years. He wants to drop his sword and tell her how much he's missed her, how glad he is that she's back, but he isn't able to, because she as fast (faster) as he remembers and he realizes that she was right: he's going to lose this one.
She levels her spear and he has a brief moment to think before her hesitation goes away and he falls of the cliff.
He wonders when he became the sort of person who would kidnap and hurt his friends for the sake of someone he would once have fought with all of his might. He wonders when he chose to fight and nearly kill the only girl he's ever loved and when he became willing to hurt anyone, mortal as well as monster.
Luke thinks that he used to be able to run away from places called home and fight anything that tried to hurt him. He thinks that he used to fight for Thalia and Annabeth, because if they were safe and well, he felt better than he ever would in his life.
He thinks that he used to be free. And he realizes that, no matter how hard he tries to fool himself, he isn't anymore.
This one spurned after reading the fight between Thalia and Luke too many times and being too obsessed with Thalia's moment of hesitation. And while I was writing, I couldn't help but wonder, what are Luke's true motives? He hates the Gods, obviously, that much I get, but how did it start? What was the breaking point? And how did he come so far?
I think, for a long while, all that mattered to him were Thalia and Annabeth. They were his most important people and when one of them is all of the sudden stripped away, big emotions are going to come out. And then of course, there's the whole thing with how he felt let-down by the Gods in other aspects as well, and that's what gets me every time. Luke has so many layers to him and he really just wants to do the right thing: but he is too filled with hate, and in the end that must consume him. Look at everything he's done, how much he's betrayed not only his friends, but the person he himself used to be. That's what I wanted to focus on with this piece.
Man, I didn't mean to rant this long! Anyway, I hope you like it, and if you do, press the review button and make me happy!