Hiya guys! New story, hope you enjoy :D
And I didn't think about
All the ways I hurt you and myself
And I wouldn't say a thing to you
I keep it to myself in my mind
Dear Sam
Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong. That particular day I yelled too much, or I didn't help enough. I've run through every possible reason why you went, and I've got nothing. There was nothing different about that day except Alex got a letter from his dad.
You went to work like normal. I took the kids to school like normal. I went to work, drank some coffee, gave my wife a kiss and went on rounds like normal. I ate lunch with you like normal. But I still arrived home- baby under my arm, kids laughing- to a note taped to the kitchen table. No real explanation, just an apology and a goodbye.
Every day you told me how much you loved me, how thankful you were for our 4 healthy children but obviously that didn't stop you leaving us all without a proper goodbye.
It's been nearly 2 years since you vanished. The baby you nearly died for is a toddler now, walking and talking, the twins are 7 and seriously independent and Alex is 17, with a girlfriend and a big mouth. We live in a similar house as before but with a bigger garden and a trampoline, a cat called Mindy and three goldfish.
We never get letters from you, not even to ask after the kids. I could deal with the fact you doesn't love me anymore but the kids…well they don't really understand. Meredith cries out for her mom in the night, Freya constantly writes about you and in every picture Max draws you're there. I love it that they remember you, but trying to explain to them that I don't know when (or if) you're coming home guts me every time.
Forever, Luka x
"Good job Luka. You're doing well."
"Thanks. I need to go-the kids need picking up."
"Same time next week?"
"Okay."
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
But you can't find the answer where you are
Dear Luka
Today I held a child down as the doc did a spinal tap. She had dark hair and big brown eyes, and for a minute I thought Freya was on that table.
I miss you all so much and I wish I could send this, but Steve watches every piece of mail that leaves this house. I just know he'd find you and I don't want to cause you even more harm. You and the kids deserve proper lives, not ones spoiled by my past mistakes.
I keep hoping you're not out there somewhere searching for me. He's gotten more violent since…
"You stopped Sam."
"Yeah, I needed to do something."
"Is Steve violent towards you?"
"Not really."
"Sometimes?"
"Yes, sometimes."
"Will you tell me?"
"He never touches Indy, just me. I s'pose I deserve it. I wind him up."
"Does he physically hurt you?"
"He slaps me- Nothing too bad."
"Mentally?"
"Look, I need to go. I've got to work."
"Same time next week?"
"Yeah."
And you know I need you now
And this ain't easy to admit
But no one needs to know
What goes on behind
The door in my room
I'm kicking through the walls in my mind
Dear Sam,
We went to the Carter wedding yesterday. Rory and Max were the ushers and Cosmo was the ring bearer but you would have been proud of our girls too- Freya was the best bridesmaid by far, and Meri did a brilliant job of scattering the rose petals. The whole day was amazing, but everyone told me that you were missed. Abby was upset you weren't around to help her pick the dress or do her hair.
I got asked a lot if I was married, by relatives of the couple. I told them my wife couldn't make it. You'll never stop being my wife, no matter how long you're gone for.
Right now, as I'm writing this, Meri is singing 'Come what may'. It only seems like yesterday we were singing that song to your baby belly to entice her out, and now she's here but you're not.
I give the kids a kiss from you every night, and tell them we both love them. I don't think Meri understands a lot, but she sure misses you.
I checked with Sergeant Saunders earlier, that they hadn't found you. They said a Samantha Taggart was working in Leeland General Hospital, Florida from April 22nd 2009-Febuary 19th 2010 but then she disappeared. Worked out they'd found you did he? Swept you away again?
I'm not one for violence, but if I met that scumbag again I'd…
"Luka, remember-no violence."
"Sorry."
…yeah well, it's probably less than what he's doing to you every day. I can't bear to think about your skin marred by the kind of bruises he'd make. Don't let him break you and remember; I love you.
L x
"Better. Carry on the letters-they seem to let you vent your feelings better than actual words. We'll see how it goes. Next week?"
"Yeah. Mind if I bring my daughter?"
"That's fine."
And I can't stand without you
And I won't find the answers
When you're gone
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answers where you are
Luka,
I'm missing you more today than ever before. I hope the twins had a great birthday. Say hello to them all.
Sam
"That was short."
"Well I didn't have much time this week."
"Why not?"
"Indy had a cold, and Steve hurt his foot. I had no free time."
"Well, I hope they get better and you have more time next week."
"Me too."
I won't tear you down
I won't tear you down
To get into the world you wanted
I'm kicking through the walls
But no one can believe
In things that never change
Sam,
The twins missed you at their party. Last year they didn't understand but today they both said, separately, that they wished their mommy loved them enough to come back. I couldn't speak; I just had to hold them. When I regained my voice I told them you do love them enough but other things stopped you coming. I know they don't believe me anymore.
Alex got upset at Meredith yesterday when she knocked over a picture of you and him. I had to stop him from yelling at her but he still got pretty mad and ran off. He came back at 2am with a split lip, smelling of whiskey.
Sam, I've got to tell you the truth-You're leaving has broken this family.
All my love, Luka x
But it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And it's over to you
You can't find the answers where you are
And it's over to you
I can't find the answers when you're gone
And I can't find the answers when you're gone
I can't find the answers when you're gone