What up what up?? So I know I haven't updated or posted in forever (what else is new), and I wish that I had a new chapter to offer you but, (alas?) I was recently struck on my funny bone with inspiration, and after seeing His Holiness the Dalai Lama teach over the weekend (holy crap, dudes, that guy is awesome) about environmental sustainability, interdependence, and compassion, I just had to offer my own spin on Earth Day reflections (since that shizznat went down yesterday, beyotches.)
Now, however much I may love him, I'm willing to bet that our dear old Count Bitch-And-Moan-A-Lot Dracula is not a staunch environmentalist in the manner of the "wicked" witch of the West in Gregory Maguire's alternate Oz universe (seriously, did you see the size of that Icy Fortress? Can you imagine the energy he must use up heating that joint?) And thus, it strikes me that Earth Day may outrank even Christmas on his "Holidays I Want To Poop On" list. He may be bringing SexyBack more than the Grinch, but his talent for planet/holiday wrecking appears to be comparable. So I now bring you the Seusstastic Anon E. Mousical of all Mousicals, How Count Dracula Stole Earth Day.
Oh yeah, about the tranny thing: 1) I needed something that alliterated with Transylvania and 2) In that outfit with her overly plucked/sculpted eyebrows, Anna kind of looks like one. Oh, snap!
And now, without further ado, all you fangirls and boys,
I give to you my Mousical--I hope you'll enjoy!
Disclaimer: Credit for a bunch of lines and (obviously) the concept goes to Dr. Seuss. All characters are the property of Stephen Sommers/Universal Pictures and Ted Turner.
How Count Dracula Stole Earth Day
Every transvestite in Transylvania liked Earth Day a lot,
But Count Dracula, who lived in darkest Transylvania, did NOT!
The Count hated Earth Day, the whole Earth Day season!
Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be, perhaps, that his cape was too tight.
It could be his ponytail wasn't coiffed just right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his junk—er, I mean heart—was two sizes too small.
See, he envied the trees for their length and their girth,
And so he stood there on Earth Day Eve hating the earth,
Staring down from his castle with a campy, vampy frown,
At the warm solar panels below in their town,
For he knew every tranny down in Transylvania beneath
Was busy now composting last year's organic Earth Day wreath.
"And they're picking up litter!" he snarled with a sneer
Tomorrow is Earth Day! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his vamp fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to keep Earth Day from coming!
"For tomorrow, I know…
…all the tranny boys and girls
Will wake bright and early to make a more sustainable world!
And then! Oh, I will hurl! I will hurl, hurl, hurl, HURL!
Dammit, I just ate, and I will hurl, hurl, hurl, HURL!
"Oh, they'll get fuel-efficient hybrids instead of S.U.V.s,
They'll use both sides of the paper and print just what they need.
They'll cut down on red meat, they'll air dry their dishes,
They'll stop blasting the heat, they'll heed Al Gore's wishes.
They'll re-use their containers, they'll compost their waste,
They'll recycle their newspapers, they'll carpool in haste
And they'll turn off the lights before leaving a room,
And use green products that don't emit greenhouse gas fumes!
And then, the final affront, they'll ditch central air,
Oh, say it ain't so, they can't learn to care!
"Then the trannies, young and old, will sit down to un-feast,
They'll eat only what they need, they will un-feast, un-feast, un-feast, un-FEAST,
"They'll un-feast on locally-grown veggies, and organic roast beast!"
(And organic beast is an un-feast Drac can't stand in the least.)
And THEN they'd do something he hated most of all!
Every tranny down in Transylvania, the tall and the small!
They'd go out to the parks, with the birds and the bees,
They'd go out hand in hand, those hippies would plant trees!
They'd plant trees, they'd plant trees, they'd plant trees, trees, trees, TREES!
And the more the Count thought of this tranny Earth Day green,
The more the Count thought: "this is truly obscene!
For four hundred years I've put up with it now,
I MUST stop Earth Day from coming!
"…but HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE COUNT GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do," the Count gave a laugh and a hoot,
And he made quick Captain Planet short-shorts and boots.
And he chuckled and twirled, "what a great vampy trick!
"With these phat threads and boots, I look just like that prick!
"All I need is a polar bear," the Count looked around,
But since they're endangered, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Count…? No! The Count simply said:
"If I can't find a polar bear, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog—er, bride—Aleera. Then he took some white thread.
And he covered her in white fluff from her toes to her head.
THEN he loaded some bags and some resource-raping kitsch
In a ramshackle hybrid and he hitched up that bitch.
Then the Count said "Giddap!" and the hybrid started down
Toward the homes where the trannies lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark, horrid pollen filled the air,
All the trannies were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he pulled up to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," old Captain Drac hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he squeezed through their window, which made him feel quite stout
But if Captain Planet could do it, then so could the Count!
He got stuck only once, for two moments or three,
Then he stuck his head in through the mosquito screen
Where all the tranny recycling bins lay lined up in a row.
"These bins," he grinned, " are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most maleficent
Around the room and took all that was energy-efficient!
Front-load washing machines, compost heaps, fluorescent bulbs!
Ceiling fans, bus passes, the "ten-minute limit" sign by the tub!
And he stuffed them in bags, then the Count moving not a bit slow
Chucked all the bags, one by one, right out of the window.
Then he slunk to the icebox, he took the trannies' feast!
He took the farmers' market veggies, he took the organic beast!
(And, noting that he still had some time before dawn,
The Count installed wasteful sprinklers all over their lawn!)
Then he pitched all the bio-food out the window with glee:
"And NOW," grinned the Count, "I will cut down their trees!
I'll cut down their trees and build a horrid strip mall,
I'll go down to the rainforest and build malls for all!
I'll go up to the Arctic and mine it for oil,
I'll deny global warming—that will make their blood boil!
Fuck polar bears and foxes, and fuck whales and fish,
Fuck glaciers that get in the way of my wish
To make this planet a place where no one can live,
Why, to destroy it once and for all, do you know what I'd give?!"
And the Count grabbed a tree and he started to chop
When he heard a sound just like a pig rooting through slop.
He turned around fast and he saw a small tranny!
Little Annie (Annie Bo-Bannie) Tranny, who had a rather large fanny.
The Count had been caught by this ridiculously-clad tranny daughter
Who'd gotten out of bed for a glass of cold water.
She stared at the Count and said: "Captain Planet, why?
Why are you taking our recycling bins, WHY?"
But, you know, that old Count was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little skank," the fake Captain Planet said,
"These bins are made of material that won't biodegrade.
So I'm taking them home to my tree-house, my dear,
I'll fix them up there, then I'll bring them back here."
And his fib fooled that freak. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Tranny Annie (Banana-Fanna-Fo-Fannie) went to bed with her cup,
The Count seized the tree and continued to chop!
The last thing he took were the bikes in the shed,
Then he caprioled out the window, that wasteful poo-head!
He smirked "now they'll all have to drive to work instead!"
And the only thing green that he left in the house
Was a drop of bio-fuel that was even too small for a mouse.
Then he did the same thing to all the other trannies' houses,
Leaving bio-fuel dregs that were too small for the other trannies' mouses!
It was a quarter to dawn…all the trannies still a-bed
All the trannies on their fannies, when he packed up his hybrid
Packed it up with their recycling bins! Their fans! Their trees!
Their fluorescent bulbs! Their compost heaps! Their front-load washing machines!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Hump-It
He rode with his load to the tip-top to dump it!
"Nanny-nanny to the trannies!" he was vamp-ish-ly humming,
"They're finding out now that no Earth Day is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what shall be!
Their mouths will hang open for two minutes or three
Then all the trannies down in Transylvania will shrug and start their S.U.V.s!
And that's a sight," grinned the Count, "that I simply MUST see!"
So he paused. And the Count laid one hand above his eyes,
And he did see a sight down below the lightening sky.
He blinked in the haze, then the haze began to fade…
They were all out in droves without cars or machines
They were still turning off the lights, they were still planting new trees!
He stared down at Transylvania, the Count popped his eyes!
Then he looked closer; what he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every tranny down in Transylvania (he could not believe the nerve!)
Was writing to urge Congress to protect the Arctic Wildlife Reserve!
He hadn't stopped Earth Day from coming, IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Count, with his Styrofoam cup ice-cold in the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without fluorescent bulbs, compost, or re-use,
They still aim to recycle, they still aim to reduce!
They still use less water and cut down their energy costs!
They still reduce air pollution by taking the bus!
It seems that everyone's still doing their part
It seems I'm no match for earth, wind, fire, water, and heart!"
But the biggest surprise, believe it or not,
Was that all those environmentalist chicks were hot!
"Oh, the irony!" the Count cried (again: believe it or not):
"All the drool-worthy girls now think green living is hot!"
And thus he puzzled for three hours, until his puzzler was sore.
Then the Count thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Earth Day," he thought, "isn't just for hippies anymore
Maybe today Earth Day means just a little bit more!
"If we continue to waste water and guzzle our gas,
There's no way that our planet's resources can last!
If we use harmful products and dismiss global warming's great threat
Then one day even vampires will surely be dead!
It doesn't have to cost money, I'll just do what I can
I'll do what I can even if it's just using a fan!
I'll do what I can to make a better tomorrow for man!"
(...And woman, and vampire, and bunny.)
And what happened then…? Well in Transylvania they say
That the Count's wee pee-pee grew three sizes that day!
And, the minute he felt his pants start to get tight,
He whizzed with his "load" through the bright morning light.
And, the minute the tranny girls saw this green-conscious young stud,
Their shirts all flew off and their hearts gave a thud!
And so he brought back the fluorescent bulbs and the compost heaps
The recycling bins and the hybrid Jeeps,
He brought back the locally-grown food for the feast!
And he…
HE HIMSELF! The Count planted the first tree.
THE END.
And that's a wrap! Has the Count learned his lesson? Will he be making a bid for the presidency on the Green Party's ticket? I guess we'll see in November. ;p In the meantime, I hope you all enjoyed my first attempt at comedy. As always, I'd love feedback, so please review! (and make my day.)
On a slightly more serious note, this was obviously meant to make you laugh (and, in an ideal world, pee your pants in a public place) but, seriously dudes, the health of our planet is pretty critical right now. The economy, foreign relations, all of these really important issues depend on our ability to have a planet to inhabit tomorrow and to hand down to future generations. So I hope that after you read (and review! haha) you'll turn the faucet all the way off, turn off the lights in rooms you're not occupying, and go out for a walk. It's spring, it's beautiful, enjoy it. And just think! Draccy-poo can't go out in the sunshine! This is the perfect way to stick it to him for being such a turd! So frolic, I say, frolic! (And review! hehehe.)