"Where'd he go?" Rachel wondered as Mr. Schue asked about the whereabouts of the boy who had left glee practice for the bathroom over ten minutes earlier.
"He said he was going to the bathroom, remember?" Santana replied.
"Well, he's been in there a while now..." Mercedes added.
Puck rolled his eyes. "He's probably just crying over Santana's gay joke."
"Oh shut up," Santana spat. "You laughed at the joke, Puckerman. It wasn't supposed to be offensive..."
Although he kept quiet, Finn also worried about why Kurt was taking so long to return to the rehearsal. He definitely didn't flee practice- surely he would have brought his belongings if he intended on excusing himself early. Besides, he wouldn't do that without warning...right? No, of course not. Finn didn't think Kurt was selfish like that.
Then again, there were a lot of things Finn Hudson didn't know about his step-brother to be...
~x~
Once Will wrapped everything up- saying his final words as the students started to unwind for the day- Finn headed to the bathroom. Even though they weren't brothers yet, Finn had been carpooling to and from school with Kurt.
What could Kurt be doing in the bathroom all that time? If he was even in there...If it turned out that Kurt wasn't in any of the boy's bathrooms, Finn would then have to check the car, the guidance office, and the auditorium. But Finn didn't want to think that Kurt would just leave and lie about where he was going, so he proceeded to the nearest bathroom and welcomed himself in.
The room was deserted aside from Kurt's figure hovering over the sink farthest from the door. From Finn's perspective, the boy across the bathroom looked absolutely fine. "Hey Kurt," Finn started, lurking closer to the shorter boy. "What're you doing? Everyone in Glee Club in wondering why you never came back. I brought your bag so we wouldn't have to-"
Finn stopped in his tracks. Kurt wasn't moving. Why wasn't Kurt moving, or responding at all to Finn's words?
Drip, drip, drip. Kurt's wrist, which was supporting his weight, slowly dripped dark red blood down, onto the already-grimy sink.
Kurt had cut himself. Over what? - Santana's gay joke? Kurt could usually ignore or combat those jokes and stereotypes with ease, so why would he have hurt himself? His head faced down, his breathing beame heavy and uneasy, and his wrist...oh God, his wrist...The blood fell from the broken skin more immensely each second. In his opposite hand was a perfectly-square, perfectly-crafted piece of small glass. Some sort of kit-like box sat on the edge of the sink.
Finn, completely speechless, stood in awe at the sight before him. He didn't know what to say, couldn't say anything, feared the whole concept of speech. But he figured every second he let himself just stare at the now-sobbing boy was just another second wasted. He needed to help Kurt. "Dude, what happened? Did you...? Blood..."
He figured broken-up pieces of sentences, at that point, were better than nothing. But then he really noticed the amount of blood for the first time. It began to puddle up and sit in the bottom of the sink. Kurt's cut was deeper than Finn first thought, which caused more blood to seep than just a normal scratch.
Kurt finally looked up from his position- or disposition- dropping the small piece of glass into the sink suddenly. "No Finn, no. This isn't..." Kurt tried to reply, his breath still a bit hitched. "I...I fell."
Finn may have been a bit gullible at times, but it was evident that Kurt hadn't just fallen or scraped himself. What kind of idiot did Kurt take him for anyway? Now, Finn may not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but Kurt saying he "fell" was like saying Jesse St. James "accidentally" threw that egg in Rachel's face.
"Oh Kurt," Finn began, stepping closer to the soprano. "I'll help you clean this all up...Then...I'll tell Burt what you did...what you've been...I don't...know..."
Kurt practically screamed, "No, Finn! You can't tell my dad! That's so inconsiderate- as if he doesn't have enough to deal with. I'm already the gay son he never expected to have; you can't just tell him I'm a cutter." Boy, was Kurt Hummel good with playing words and persuading people. Kurt's chrasimatic personality could convince anyone- or at least anyone with the brain capacity of Finn's- to side with him on anything.
A cutter. That word stuck with Finn. Did that mean- no...that had to be Kurt's one and only time...right? Did Finn even want to know the answer...?
"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"
"Forget this ever happened," Kurt pleaded. "Erase this from your memory."
"But...I just can't...All that blood." Finn was beginning to get queasy looking at Kurt's wrist.
"Finn, you already let out one of my secrets. When you found out I had a crush on you, you sent all your football friends after me. Do you know Dave Karofsky threatned my life?"
Yes, Finn remembered that. He suddenly felt a pinge of guilt hit is gut- he'd now felt horrible about what he said to those football guys. Finn's the star quarterback- he should be setting the example, letting everyone know it's okay to not make fun of gays. "Fine. Our parents don't find out, but I'm still making you stop this."
Kurt rolled his eyes at the older boy. "You know, you can't just come in here and take away the one thing that puts me at peace with myself."
"At peace? How is that peaceful?" When there was no response, Finn started to put two ends together.
Cutter.
"You can't just tell him I'm a cutter!"
Finn then looked to the kit. Cotton balls. Antibacterials. Various pieces of glass of different shapes and sizes. Random- full and empty- pill bottles. Band aids. A razor blade. It was then that Finn finally admitted to himself that this was not Kurt's first experience with self-harm.
"Roll up your sleeve."
The shock on Kurt's face was evident, but he refused to move a muscle.
"Kurt, roll up your sleeve. Now."
"Finn, no," Kurt pleaded. "We both know what you're going to see if I show you."
"Then just do it..."
Kurt backed himself against the wall. "Please, you don't want to see it."
Finn sighed loudly. "Do you want me to pry that shirt off you?"
Kurt protested. He rolled his eyes. He exhaled. He denied his brother. But finally, with a pout, he gave in, pulling his shirt off and over his head. Kurt's body was a sight Finn wished he could erase from his memory. What was usually toned stomach muscle now looked like weak skin. He arms were covered, inch by inch, with scars- some old and fading, some new and pink, some perfetly straight, some rough and dark. And, of course, there was the fresh slice on his wrist, releasing blood drops.
The sight that affected Finn the most, the scar that would linger in his mind more than any other, was a deep gash in Kurt's left forearm. It was, hands down, the most conspicuous of all the cuts. To have accomplished its effect, Kurt must have slashed himself deep with a razor blade.
Kurt flipped his arms over to reveal even more cuts, as well as marks that appeared to be small burns.
"Oh...God, Kurt. Fuck." Finn stepped forward to gently touch one of the random scars on Kurt's upperarm, which only resulted in the younger boy flinching away. "Why the hell...?"
"Because I'm tired of living!" Kurt spat. "I have nothing to live for, I just don't have guts enough to actually end my life."
Finn didn't know what to say. How coudl this be Kurt Hummel before him? He thought for a moment and realized how differently Kurt had been acting recently. He was so much more...standoffish- never begging for solos, never responding to the bullies after being shoved into a locker, never engaging in dinner table conversations... "You-You're killing yourself. God, Kurt, don't you see?"
Kurt looked down on himself, at his heavily scarred arms. He was ashamed of the way he looked, but at the same time felt accomplished. Who would think someone as innocent and naive as himself could pull off hiding something so noticable? He frowned at Finn's last words- how did he let himself become so vulnerable...so dependant on and addicted to the knife? He flung himself into Finn's arms, sobbing uncontrolably.
Finn rubbed his back soothingly, trying to calm him down. "Kurt, listen to me."
Kurt looked up, still leaning on Finn.
"You have so much to live for. I promise." Finn couldn't even imagine himself bullying- or encouraging the bullying of- Kurt at that moment. The poor boy was so lost, so lonely; how could Finn have taken advantage of that in the past? -Just for something as minute as being gay? "Let's clean this up...I can't stand blood."
The sobbing cooled down as the younger boy pulled himself away from Finn's embrace. "Thanks Finn. I appreciate this, but I can handle it form here."
"Really? Okay, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me, honestly, that you have your life under control, I'll leave."
When Kurt looked down without a word, Finn continued, "That's what I thought. Now, I only know a little First Aid, but let's see what you've got here." He proceeded to scavenge through the kit.
By the looks of the kit, Kurt seemed so...advanced. It must have taken a lot of practice to reach the "perfection" of his cuts.
"Finn, you don't need First Aid to stop my wrist from bleeding."
"It's not just that, I'm fixing all these scars too," Finn replied, motioning towards Kurt's full arms.
A soft smile snuck up Kurt's lips as he reached for his kit. Of course, Kurt knew how to cover up his scars with ointment (and makeup until they healed), but never had the desire to in the past. He, somehow, felt better about himself after a new scar started to form. He liked the idea of the number of cuts adding up, but Finn truely wanted to help him. "You'll need..." He pulled out a small tube with some sort of ointment in it. "This. But I hope you know they won't disappear instantly.
Finn surveyed that huge razor mark he was studying earlier. That one would take a long time to heal, probably the longest, he knew. "Hey, it's an improvement, isn't it?" He grinned down at Kurt and squirted a pinch of Neosporin on a cotton ball. He started dabbing away at a random scar, which led to Kurt squirming slightly.
"Why are you so concerned with helping me?"
"Well," Finn placed his finger on another cut and started to rub it soothingly. "We're going short-sleeved for Sectionals."
Kurt chuckled a bit.
"But also...I may not have a man-crush on your or anything, but I still care about you. You're my brother, and I need to be looking out for you." When he noticed the weird look on Kurt's face he continued, "What? We are going to be brothers, right? Why are you looking at me like I have four heads?"
"It's just...I never expected you to say that..."
Finn looked away, not wanting things to get too emotional. "Yeah, yeah, you can thank me later. Let's hurry this up..." Finn realized, at that point, that the bullying would need to stop. He knew crossing that bridge with his football friends would be tough, but looking at Kurt's arms, and all the shit he's gone through, he could handle it. All he knew was that his brother was suffering, and they would need to stick together.
A/N: Yay for another one-shot. This was just something I needed to get out because I'm not finishing chapter three of No Regrets, Just Love until I get my laptop fixed.
I'm not a cutter, but the subject is really personal for me. I've never written self-harm before so I hope it's good! :)