The characters of The Hunger Games Trilogy do not belong to me.
Trigger Warning: Abortion
Dust to Dust
The club was packed; the smell of cigarettes and sweat permeating through the air. On stage, the cover band screamed out the lyrics of 'Bust A Move' as the audience danced on the floor below. The girl made her way through the throng of people, ignoring the not-so-subtle whistles of the drunken club goers as she searched the crowd.
"KATNISS!"
Katniss Everdeen turned to find her best friends, Johanna and Gale, waving from a table close to the bar. Pushing through the last of the drunk dancers and avoiding one pervert who tried to cop a feel, she found her way over to her friends.
"Hey!" Kissing them each on the cheek, she placed her purse on the table. "I need a drink!"
"What's wrong?" Gale asked, his dark eyes full of concern. "Is it Cato?"
"When the fuck is it not Cato?" Johanna proclaimed, her sharp eyes narrowing at the name. She signaled the bar to bring them some shots before turning to Katniss. "What happened?"
"He dumped me." A waiter dropped their first set of shots and she tossed one back before looking at her friends. "Did everyone know that Glimmer was sucking his dick except for me?" Her friends avoided her eyes. "Come on, guys! You're supposed to be my best friends!"
"I had an inkling that he was doing something behind your back," Johanna reasoned. "But, I thought that it was because I always hated the asshole."
"Glimmer was bragging about doing someone the last time that she came into the store," Gale added. He worked at a boutique in the Upper East Side, close to the apartment that he lived in with Thresh, his boyfriend. "I didn't think that it was Cato."
Katniss had finished the rest of the shots by this point. She signaled the bartender for another round.
Johanna moved the tray away from her once the drinks came. "Better slow down there, girlfriend."
Katniss glared at her friend. "Who are you? My mother?"
She reached for the tray to pick up one more glass, throwing another drink back and feeling that satisfying burn of alcohol in her empty belly.
It was going to be a long night.
The alley was freezing but Katniss had her fill of horrible cover music so she went outside to clear her head. She didn't want to mention to Gale or Johanna that Cato had not only dumped her, but was also moving in with Glimmer. They had already signed a lease for an apartment in Brooklyn and over the last month, he had been secretly moving his things out.
As of tonight, Cato was gone—warm and cozy in Brooklyn with his beautiful blonde girlfriend, her long legs, and big tits.
She hoped they burned in hell.
This wasn't how Katniss thought things would go.
Reaching into the pocket of her camel peacoat, she took out the peace-offering blunt that Gale and Thresh gifted her before the couple left the club. Johanna had abandoned her just a few minutes ago for one of the singers in the band. Apparently, the two had met before and she was going to his place to give him her 'music critique'.
Katniss couldn't get a spark from her lighter. It seemed to be running out of fluid or it was too cold. "Shit!"
"I think you've had too much."
Her eyes looked to the new occupant in the alley—a blond man in a navy coat. She placed the blunt back into her pocket before glaring at him.
"What I do in private is none of your business," she retorted.
"You've had two trays worth of shots," he informed her.
Katniss peered at him, her tired eyes trying to maintain eye contact. "How would you know?"
The man had unbelievably blue eyes, so intense that even in the dim light of the alley, she could see them glowing at her in the darkness of their surroundings. He approached Katniss, his steps heavy as if he was burdened himself.
"I was your waiter." Holding out his hand, he gave her a smile. "I'm Peeta."
"I'm Kat—"
She couldn't finish because sudden torrent of sour vomit rose from her throat and she lurched forward, covering Peeta's thick coat in a layer of her upchuck.
"Could this night get any worse?" Putting her hand over her mouth, Katniss looked to him apologetically. "I'm so sorry."
"Honestly, this isn't the first time that I've been vomited on." Peeta carefully reached into his pocket and retrieved a crumpled napkin, handing it to her. "This wasn't even the worst occurrence."
Hastily, Katniss wiped her mouth. "I live nearby." She took his hand. "Let's go."
"Here." Katniss handed Peeta a white t-shirt that Cato had discarded before leaving their—no, her place. She looked to see that he was wiping his jeans as well. "Crap! Give me the pants too."
Peeta met her eyes incredulously. "I'm not getting naked in front of you."
"It's not anything that I haven't seen." Katniss crossed her arms, waiting on the resistant man. He remained obstinate, his own arms crossed over his chest. "Fine. Fair is fair." She placed his stained jacket and shirt down then unbuttoned her blouse, revealing a turquoise bra. Peeling it off, Katniss tossed it on top of his clothes. "There. You happy?"
"Should you be doing this in front of me?" he asked.
"I think I could easily overpower you if it came down to it," she said bluntly. "Now, pants."
In a huff, Peeta quickly unbuttoned his pants revealing his black briefs before handing them to her. She took the clothes from the warm hardwood floor before heading to her washer and dryer which were next to the kitchen.
It was the one luxury in her bare apartment, made even barer now that Cato had taken most of their living room furniture which included the couch and television.
"Hey," Peeta called out as she tossed his clothes and her shirt into the washer. "Fair is fair."
She rolled her eyes before pulling off her jeans and tossing them into the pile inside.
"Don't laugh," Katniss warned. "I was getting to the last of my nice underthings."
She emerged after turning on the washer in her orange panties.
"Orange is my favorite color," he informed her with a smirk, his eyes moving to her turquoise bra. "I actually think the color combination works."
"Shut up!" She couldn't help but grin, admiring the slight dimple that pressed into his jaw when he smiled. "I'm having a really shitty day."
"I heard." Peeta looked around. "So he took most of the stuff, huh?"
"Well, he paid for most of it." Katniss went to the one electronic item left in the living room—her music player. "At least I can charge my phone while I can still afford electricity."
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I work at a bookstore," she replied. "It's closing down, though. So I have like two months to find a job."
"How about parents?" Peeta inquired as she went to the music player to plug her iPhone in the USB port. "Maybe they can help."
"I'm sure they would," Katniss told him offhandedly. "They're dead."
"Sorry," he responded awkwardly. "Mine, too. I have a little sister though, but she lives with my Aunt and Uncle."
"That's nice." She leaned down to start the iPhone's shuffle. A Sam Cooke song began and she snapped her fingers in time with the easy tune. "What's her name?"
"Prim." Peeta held his hand out and she took it, twirling around him. "Sam Cooke? Good choice."
"Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book,
Don't know much about the French I took…"
He put his hand to her waist and she guided him along the empty living room floor. The music mixed in with the alcohol exhilarated her. For a moment, Katniss forgot the failures and the burning bridge that was her relationship with Cato.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. She could forget him and what they had.
"You could sleep in my bed," Katniss informed Peeta as they stopped in the middle of the room.
"You're drunk," Peeta responded, his eyes gazing worriedly at her. "Tomorrow, you might not even remember that you invited me over."
"I'll remember those eyes," she whispered as her mouth moved over his neck. He shivered and Katniss held him closer. "Are you cold?"
"No," Peeta responded, his voice thick against her skin.
Katniss closed her eyes, letting the timbre of his voice move along her body. "Come on."
Taking his hand, she led him to her room. The mattress laid on the floor, the sheets rumpled and definitely slept-in. After Cato left, Katniss had flipped the mattress and changed the bedding before wrapping herself into her blanket for the majority of the day.
Letting him lay down first, she joined him. "You can be the big spoon."
Peeta laughed before wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her flush against his chest.
He pressed a kiss to her neck. "I kinda like this."
Katniss let out a yawn, pulling the blankets over them. "Me, too."
They fell asleep quickly, the music wafting in from the living room.
"But I do know that I love you,
And I know that if you love me, too,
What a wonderful world this would be…"
Slowly, Katniss roused from her sleep.
It was still dark and the sound of rain against her window played in tune with the song coming from her living room. She sat up slowly and looked over to where Peeta slept, his arm over his eyes while the other arm rested along his abdomen.
Quietly, Katniss got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. She quickly closed the door and used the toilet to rid herself of the booze and regret. Going to wash her hands, Katniss looked up at the mirror seeing her dark circles and mussed hair. Then, she blew her breath into her hand before abruptly grabbing her toothbrush to banish the taste of vomit.
Anyone would die smelling her breath. How did Peeta stand it?
Turning off the light, Katniss slipped out and headed back to the bed. The floor was freezing and so she hurried her steps to the mattress quickly moving back under the covers. Katniss turned to look at her sleeping partner and her finger went to trace the lines of his face, over the thick brows, the angular cheekbones and the strong jaw.
He was a good-looking man, there was no doubt about that.
"And if I may just take your breath away
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds
So move to a place so far away…"
The rain grew louder against her window and the light from the streetlamps reflected against her white walls displaying the shadows of the night shower. For a moment, Katniss worried that Peeta would wake up.
However, he seemed lulled by the rainfall and so she continued the examination of his face.
His hair was dirty blond, cut short on the sides while the front was longer and pushed back with pomade. There was a slight beard growing along his jaw and his mouth hung open as a light snore escaped his weathered lips.
Reaching to trace the bow of his top lip, she gasped when his hand suddenly took hold of her wrist. His eyes opened, the intensity of his gaze penetrating her.
"You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?" he asked under his husky breath.
Moving closer, Katniss pressed her chest against his before tentatively capturing his lips in a kiss. Their tongues met sloppily, the taste of mint toothpaste in-between them and she shuffled onto his body to straddle his waist.
"One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out…"
Katniss moved along to the music, grounding her clothed center along his length. Peeta's jaw slowly fell as he let out a low moan, his hands going to her hips to anchor her. She was soaked, the wet spot on his dark briefs a glaring indication of her arousal.
Impatiently, she reached into the opening flap of his briefs to pull out his steel-hard girth.
He met her eyes, his own pulsating with hunger. "Katniss—"
She put her finger to his lips. "Shh…" Her hand ran up and down his cock, her thumb moving over the tip to spread the bit of liquid that escaped it.
Desperately yanking at the orange fabric between her thighs, Katniss sank down onto his cock.
Her eyes rolled back feeling the fullness of him, every ridge of him encased in her tightness and causing a ripple of desire along her nerve endings. Katniss rocked against his hips adjusting to him in experimentation, seeking out the speed that would make it good for them. When Peeta let a slow sigh and his hands moved up, yanking down the cups of her bra to thumb her nipples, Katniss knew that she had found the right rhythm.
She closed her eyes, letting herself fall into the sensation of Peeta, the rain, and the music.
It all happened much too quickly; the friction of the cloth of her panties stimulating her clit until there was nothing left to do but to fall apart around him. Katniss pulsed around his cock, milking him until there was nothing but a litany of swears and her name escaping his frenzied mouth.
Her head fell to his chest and his hand went to her damp back, his lips moving along her hairline until they found themselves in another messy kiss.
"Again?" she asked, her grey eyes meeting his.
He grinned against her mouth. "Hell yes."
Eight Weeks Later…
"Oh my God!" Katniss looked at herself in the dressing room mirror and groaned. "What is going on?"
"What's wrong?" Gale pulled open the curtain. He had been helping her look for interview outfits and his eyes widened at the sight of her, hair in a messy bun and top unbuttoned. "Holy shit! Those tits!"
"I know, right?" Her hands went to the breasts over flowing in the cups of her burgundy bra. "For someone who has barely enough to eat, my rack has gotten huge. Jo! Get over here!"
Johanna, who was in the dressing room across from hers pulled open her curtain. "You okay?"
"I think I need a bigger size," she told her friends. "I can't button this top over my chest."
"Wow." Johanna poked at Katniss' breast and she yelped at the pain. "You getting your period or something?"
"Probably," she told them.
Something suddenly stilled inside her and she realized something.
Katniss couldn't remember her last menstrual cycle.
"Oh...fuck!" She reached into her purse on the dressing room chair and pulled out her phone. Going to the last text that she received from Peeta after their night together, she counted forward before realizing that it had been about eight weeks since then. "No…no…no!"
"What?" Gale asked.
She sank to the corner of the dressing room, drawing her legs to her chest before meeting her friends' eyes.
"I'm pregnant."
Johanna knelt down next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You sure?"
"I have a regular period and haven't had one in two months. My breasts hurt and are huge. Not to mention, I want to cry."
"Is it Cato's?" Gale asked.
She shook her head. "No. We hadn't had sex in a long time."
Johanna looked to her. "Then, who was it?"
Katniss rocked along the wall, feeling the tears well up. "Peeta."
"Peeta who?" Gale asked.
"I don't know his last name," she responded before bursting into tears.
Katniss never wanted children. It was as simple as that.
She liked them well enough but she couldn't see herself carrying one in her stomach or doing any of that baby stuff that most people were so eager to experience.
"So what are you going to do?" Johanna asked as they sat on her bed.
Beside them sat two positive pregnancy tests.
"I can't have children," she told her friend. "Not now."
"Are you going to tell him?" Gale asked as he walked into her bedroom and handed her a glass of water.
"I am barely functioning myself," she responded. "I haven't even called him and never responded to his texts…he probably hates me now."
Johanna looked at her in exasperation. "Katniss, in this day and age, why did you not even think of protection? Do you even realize how dangerous that is? You could have an STD or something!"
"I know…I know…" Her face fell into her hands. "I messed up."
"Listen, Katniss." Johanna's tone softened. "I'm not saying this because I'm angry. I'm saying this because I'm worried." She wrapped an arm around Katniss as the girl laid her head against Johanna's shoulder. "You have to really think about this."
"What do I do now?" Katniss asked them.
"First, let's get you an appointment at a clinic," Gale told her.
She nodded and Gale began to look through his phone to search for a nearby clinic.
Katniss looked to Johanna. "Have you ever had one before? An abortion?"
Her friend remained silent for moment before nodding. "Once. I was younger than you are now."
"Does it hurt?" Katniss asked, her voice tight.
"No, you just take a long nap and then you're in the recovery room," Johanna said quietly. "Is that really what you want?"
Her first thought was that she couldn't be a mother. At 23 with her financial situation in such dire straits, her life was not equipped for it. Katniss wasn't responsible enough.
For goodness sake, she didn't think of protection or know the last name of the guy she slept with.
"I'm not ready. He's not ready," she responded after a moment.
Johanna nodded understandingly, "Are you going to tell him?"
"I haven't gotten there yet."
"Occupation?"
"Sales clerk until next week when I will be gainfully unemployed," Katniss informed the nurse who was doing her intake.
"I see…" The nurse looked to the clipboard that she had written all her information on. "How will you be paying for this appointment?"
"I have a credit card," she responded and the woman nodded. "How much will the procedure cost?"
"The first thing that you'll need to do is go through your examination to see how far along you are. We'll also have you tested for any sexually transmitted diseases. After that, your doctor will go over your options," the nurse informed her. "Then, I'll come back and we can go over costs." Katniss nodded. "Also, have you contacted your sexual partner?" She shook her head. "You should inform him about your tests so that he can also come in for an exam."
"I will."
The nurse finished up, taking her blood pressure and temperature before promptly leaving the room.
Alone in the room, Katniss reached for her phone. His number was right there. All she had to do was dial.
There was a knock on the door and a dark-skinned man in blue scrubs entered the room. He gave her a kind smile before holding out his hand.
"I'm Doctor Cinna Schaefer." Katniss shook his hand, adjusting her cloth gown. The paper on the examination table crunched as she shuffled nervously. "Don't worry. We're just going to talk for a minute before the exam." Bringing a stool from the corner of the room, he sat down. "So tell me about what's going on."
"I had a one-night thing with someone after a break-up," she began. "I know it was stupid but he was nice and we had a good time together—along with the sex. Then this happened. I'm losing my job…I don't know where I'm going to be staying if I lose my apartment…" The tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm not ready for this."
"Katniss, the fact that you've come to the clinic to get information tells me that you are a responsible person," the doctor told her gently. "This isn't an easy decision and people might not think that you're mature enough to make it. However in the end, it is your decision. I am only here to give you the facts on your pregnancy and then go over your options. Okay?"
She nodded, wiping the tears that escaped her eyes. "Okay."
"So I just need you to lie down and we'll start on your exam," Dr. Schaefer continued. "Are you okay?"
Katniss laid back, her thoughts suddenly wandering to Peeta, his blue eyes, and Sam Cooke.
"I'm alright."
Pulling out the stack of books, Katniss ran the pricing gun along the spine of the first book she pulled out.
"So, it's all set?" Gale asked as he sat on the steps leading up to the next section of the small bookstore. Sae, who was the owner, extended Katniss' stay for one more week in order to manage the sale of the remaining inventory. "The whole thing?"
Katniss nodded. "I was at nine weeks during the appointment and the procedure will be in two weeks." She continued pricing the stack to occupy her mind. "Guess when it is?"
Gale looked to her. "When?"
"Valentine's Day," she responded, a grim smile on her chapped lips. "The irony of all ironies."
The entrance bell jingled and Katniss looked up, almost freezing seeing the person entering the store.
Peeta.
"Hey stranger," he greeted her, joy in his grin.
"Peeta." Katniss heard the quiet curse of realization escape Gale's mouth. "I'm sorry I haven't called or responded to your texts—"
Gale abruptly stood up. "I'm going to take off, Katniss. Thresh is leaving work soon and it's date night."
"Oh yeah…" Her eyes went to her friend who was still examining the man. "Peeta, this is my friend Gale. Gale, this is Peeta."
The two shook hands and Gale looked him over once more before turning to Katniss to mouth, 'He's hot.'
"I'll see you soon," her friend said before rushing out the door to leave her and Peeta alone in the store.
"So you've been busy or out of the country?" Peeta teased. "Or, avoiding me? Any of these ring a bell?"
"Avoiding you," she responded and shrugged. "I'm no good with the morning-after shit. However, I do want to talk to you about something."
"Good, because today was the day that I was going to demand a follow-up date," he told her. "I want to take you to dinner."
"Yeah, sure." Katniss gave him a nervous laugh not knowing whether it was because she was pregnant with his child and he was totally unaware or because she was a little excited about the date. "Six, alright?"
"Sounds perfect. Dress nicely because you're meeting my sister," Peeta informed her. "And my Aunt and Uncle."
"No, that is way too fast for me," she responded doubtfully.
"I think we passed too fast during a listening session of 'Sweater Weather'," he responded. "Plus if you hadn't been avoiding me, it would have been our tenth or eleventh date by now." Peeta approached her, placing a glassed candle on her table. "You don't seem like a flowers girl so I thought I'd give you something to keep that fire in you going."
Katniss opened the lid and took in the scent of meadows and sunsets. "I like it." Sitting down at the makeshift counter, she gave him a smile. "I'll see you at six."
Peeta tilted his head at her and she wondered if he possibly knew that she was keeping something from him.
"You're going to answer your door, right?" he asked with his trademark smirk.
Katniss chuckled. "Just go please! I will answer the door! I promise."
"I don't know about you," Peeta said. "But, I feel a little something in my stomach whenever I look at you."
"You'd be surprised what I'm feeling in my stomach," she retorted. "Goodbye Peeta."
"See you soon, Katniss."
"Hey, Peeta?" He turned back to her, his hand on the door knob. "What's your last name?"
Peeta grinned. "It's Mellark."
And with that, he was gone.
Taking her lighter out, Katniss lifted the lid of the candle container and put the flame to the wick. Reaching for the clinic's business card, she held the corner to the fire watching it burn into slow ash that fell into the pristine white wax.
Katniss was STD-free and could not share her news by presenting him with a business card.
It had to be the right way.
She would know when it came to her.
"So you are real!"
"Yes, sure am." Katniss gave the golden-haired woman a smile as she was ushered into the brownstone house.
"Aunt Eff," Peeta groaned as he kissed the woman's cheek. "Not everything I tell you is pretend." He looked to Katniss who was unbuttoning her coat. He rushed behind her to help her out of it. "When I was a kid, I would make up all sorts of things. Usually when I didn't want to get in trouble."
"I was just joking, Peeta," the woman said before going to Katniss and taking her hands. "I'm Peeta's Aunt, of course—Effie Abernathy. It is great to finally meet you."
Katniss looked down at their joined hands, immediately feeling an unfamiliar comfort with the woman.
"I didn't know that Peeta mentioned me so much," Katniss told her. Her gaze went to Peeta who was suddenly looking down at his shoes. "I'm Katniss Everdeen."
"I hear a newbie in the house." An older dark-haired man walked into the entryway, a wine glass in his hand. "It looks like Peeta's imaginary girlfriend showed up!" The man went to her, his slate eyes warm, and held out his hand. "Haymitch Abernathy, Peeta and Prim's Uncle—and Effie's favorite slave."
His wife elbowed him with a grin.
She shook the man's hand. "Katniss Everdeen, Peeta's non-imaginary…friend."
"You're making me look bad, Katniss!" Peeta told her good-naturedly.
"I never got the memo that I was a girlfriend," she countered.
"I like her already," Haymitch declared. "She's got spunk!"
"Like I told you," Peeta began as he joined her side. "If you hadn't avoided me, we would've been at that point where we could discuss titles."
Katniss looked to the couple. "Was he always this dramatic?"
"Yes," Effie responded. "However, it is part of his many charms."
"Peeta!" There was a flurry of blonde running towards them. Katniss looked down to see a young girl with her arms wrapped around Peeta's waist. The girl turned her head to look up, her pretty smile growing wider seeing Katniss. "Is this Katniss?"
"Yes." Peeta turned, his arms going to Prim's shoulders. "Prim, this is my friend, Katniss." He met her eyes pointedly at the word, 'friend'. "Katniss, this is my sister, Primrose."
Prim held her hand out. "It's nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you," Katniss responded, shaking Prim's hand. There was something about the girl; her wide-eyed innocence reminded Katniss of herself long ago. "Tell me, has your brother called me his girlfriend when he tells you about me?"
"No," Prim told her. Taking her hand, she led Katniss to the living room of the house. It was cozy; a burgundy furniture set in the center of the room and a mahogany coffee table in front of the couch. Prim brought her to the sofa, plopping down next to her. "He told me that you remind him of something our mom once said to him."
Katniss looked to Peeta. "And, what was that?"
"That when you know, your stomach flips," Peeta responded, his stare focused on her reaction.
Against her better judgement, she smiled at his words.
"We're expecting you back for dinner soon," Effie told her before pulling her into a hug. "We've never seen our boy this happy."
She pulled away so that Haymitch could say goodbye. The man held out his hand to Katniss.
"If you're as smart as I think you are then you'll come see us soon or else Effie will hunt you down," he told her.
Katniss shook his hand and grinned. "Well, you owe me a game of chess."
Haymitch nodded in agreement and she was suddenly assaulted at the waist by Prim, who was resting her head to Katniss' chest. Tenderly, Katniss put her hand on Prim's soft hair.
"Promise you'll come see us soon," Prim told her. "You said that you'd teach me to braid my hair like yours." Prim's hand went to the tip of her braid to admire the neat plait. "You have really pretty hair."
"You're the sweetest ten-year-old I've ever met," Katniss said to her. "Actually, you're the sweetest person I've ever met."
"We better go," Peeta told his family. "I've got work and Katniss is probably sick of me."
She turned to him, a smile on her face. "I never said that."
Taking her hand, they said their final goodbyes before stepping onto the porch.
Peeta gave her a bashful grin. "So that's my family."
"I like them," Katniss responded.
"Better than me?"
She snorted. "Much better than you." Peeta chuckled. "But, the night is still young."
They headed down the street where Peeta's car was parked. It was a small, rusting Toyota with a hard-to-control stick shift but she could see that he loved the car. While it looked like crap, he told her that it was the first car that he ever fixed up on his own.
"Do you really have work?" Katniss asked him as they stopped in front of his car.
Peeta shook his head. "I just wanted to make my case after the Peeta Mellark roast."
She leaned back against the side of his car. "I like them and they really love you."
"Will you tell me about your family?" he asked her.
Katniss sighed. She hated dredging up the memories but Peeta had shared his family with her and it had been a long time since she felt the warmth of a family.
In fact, it was the first time that she actually saw one in motion. Cato had never bothered to introduce her to his parents because they were always travelling to one country or another—at least that's what he told her.
"When I was five, I was in a car accident with my parents," she began. "I don't remember much except the smell of smoke and ash. I have a scar here on my arm from the fire." Katniss pulled up her sleeve to reveal the small, shiny pink skin on her forearm. "There was nothing left of them by the time the fire department got there. We had no other family so I was put into the system followed by foster families and then finally I aged out of the system. That's my story."
"Tonight," Peeta started. "I just wanted to get to know you. If that's all you got for me tonight then that's it." He reached for her wrist, slowly pulling her sleeve back up to reveal her scar once again. His lips pressed to the blemish, causing her insides to twist. "You're a survivor, Katniss. Thank goodness for that."
"Peeta." She bit her lower lip. "I have to tell you something."
He squeezed her hand, his blue eyes earnest. "Go ahead. Especially if it's that you like me like I like you."
Her hand reached to brush his face, remembering that she had once done this as he slept.
Awake, Peeta was even more fascinating because he brought so much more life into those beautiful features.
How would he look when she told him her decision?
Katniss couldn't stand to see his expression.
"I like you, Peeta." Her hands went to his cheeks and she leaned forward to kiss him gently. "More than I want to admit."
"I couldn't tell him!" Katniss paced Johanna's living room as her friend watched her movements. "It was the perfect time…and I just couldn't."
"Why?" Johanna asked.
Katniss plopped on the couch next to her. "Because I like him." Her head went to her best friend's shoulder. "Tell me what to do. I'm a mess."
Johanna put her arms around Katniss. "Are you changing your mind?"
"No," Katniss croaked out. "I haven't changed my mind. That's the one thing I am sure of. I am ill-equipped to handle anything like this."
"From what I can gather, it seems like you're scared of losing him," her friend told her. "And, you know that this will definitely change it all." Johanna kissed the top of her head. "I know it changed my relationship."
"Did you tell…the father?" Katniss asked.
"I did." Katniss felt her friend let out a shaky breath. "He was a childhood friend and I loved him. He didn't feel the same. In the end, it was what was right. I don't regret it. But, I regret losing his friendship."
Johanna pulled them apart slightly so that she could meet Katniss' eyes.
"Katniss, if you feel like you can make this work with Peeta, then tell him," Johanna advised. "The ball is in his court if he wants to stick around but prepare to face the consequences if he doesn't."
"I hate that I care so much," she told Johanna.
"You'll regret it if you never tell him the truth," her friend responded. "When's the next time that you're going to see him?"
"Tomorrow." Katniss smiled up at her friend. "We're having dinner at my place. He's cooking."
"This time, don't lose your fucking nerve," Johanna told her. "Valentine's Day is coming up."
Katniss laid down on her friend's lap. She twisted her forearm to look at the scar that Peeta had tenderly kissed only a few days ago.
"Don't I know it."
"What are you making?" Katniss asked curiously. Her kitchen was completely occupied with something that had not happened since she moved in—cooking. There were pots on her stove and dishes in her dish rack. "Can I do something?"
"I don't know if I should trust you with a knife," Peeta retorted as he sliced tomatoes on her counter. "Especially when you're fascinated with silverware."
She pouted at him. "That's really mean, you know! I could be a really good cook!"
In defiance, Katniss went to one of the pots and lifted the lid.
However, when the salty scent hit her nostrils, she found her stomach turning at the smell. Immediately, her mouth filled with sour vomit and she clamped her lips shut.
"Katniss?" Peeta went to the stove to shut everything off before going to her. "Did you just barf in your mouth?" She nodded and his brows furrowed in concern. "Do you need to go use the bathroom?"
Nodding once more, Katniss ran out of the kitchen and towards the hallway, barely making it to the sink where she spit out the putrid chunks. She could hear Peeta's footsteps and sitting down on the floor, Katniss took a nervous breath knowing that it was now or never.
She turned to see him getting on his knees to join her on the floor and held up her hand.
"Stop." He froze slowly settling in a slight squat. "Peeta, I'm pregnant."
"Oh." Peeta sat back on the tiled floor, his eyes confused for a moment. "Wow…" He turned to her. "Is it mine?"
Katniss nodded and she was surprised by the emotion welling up from her chest. "Yup."
"Okay." Slowly, he helped her up and Katniss closed the lid of the toilet so she could sit down. "We can figure out. I have some money saved and I can land a waiter gig with my friends who are opening a new restaurant in—"
"I'm having an abortion."
Peeta stopped, his whole body stiffening at her words. "Why?"
She met his stare directly. "Because I'm not ready to be a mother."
"And, were you just going to keep it from me?" he asked her in a tight voice. "If we never ran into one another, then you would've just—"
"I literally found out a few days before I saw you again," Katniss replied tiredly. "I just didn't have the nerve to tell you until now."
"Don't I get a word in?" Peeta suddenly blurted out. "You kept this from me! You never gave me a choice as to whether I'm okay with this!"
"You don't have to be okay with this," she reasoned. "I've made my choice. We're not ready to be parents—"
"How do you know that?" he asked angrily.
Katniss jumped from her seat. "Because we can't even discuss this without yelling at each other! I don't have a job! You barely make enough to survive! And, we know nothing about each other!"
"This isn't fair, Katniss!" Peeta threw his hands up in frustration. "You never gave me a chance to process this."
"Process all you want until Valentine's Day," she responded tersely. "Because that's when it's happening."
Peeta bristled at her words, "You are incredibly selfish."
"You want to make me the villain then go ahead," Katniss told him. "You know a thimbleful about my life." She swallowed back the unexpected sob. "Were you expecting us to have it? Fall in love and get married? I know better. We know scant about one another. We could be totally wrong for each other. No one wants to be the child in-between two parents who hate each other!"
"Well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you sweetheart?" he returned cuttingly.
The room went silent.
Katniss took a shaky breath, still trembling with the anger over their argument. "You should go."
Peeta didn't respond.
Instead, he stood up and left.
Valentine's Day
"How are you feeling, Katniss?" Cinna asked as she laid on the exam table.
Her doctor had asked her to call him by her first name when during her pre-op exam, she burst into tears. Katniss admitted that she hadn't slept well in days; the morning sickness that she had never experienced until her dinner with Peeta came full force.
"I'm going to take a long nap on Valentine's Day," she said in a hoarse voice. "So, it's just like the last one."
"It's okay to be sad," her doctor replied gently. "People think that just because you don't want to be a mother now that you're never going to be a mother. The truth is that you're making the most maternal decision you can make at this moment. You know that you're not ready and you don't want any offspring to suffer."
Katniss' lips lifted in a wry smile. "Tell Peeta that."
Cinna looked down at her, his dark eyes full of sympathy. "Who's that?"
"The father," she told him, her eyes filling. "I kinda wanted him to be my boyfriend."
"This is not the end, Katniss," Cinna said.
She let out a nervous laugh. "Are you sure?"
"Relax," he told her. "Right now, we're going to put a breathing mask over your nose and mouth. Then I want you to start counting down from ten."
Katniss nodded. Her eyes went to the nurse with bright blue eyes. They looked a lot like Peeta's and she focused on them as the woman placed the mask over her face.
"Ten…nine…eight…" Her mind flashed to Peeta. She missed him. "…seven…six…five…four…"
Then she slept.
There were 12 chairs in the room.
Katniss awoke in the twelfth chair.
The recovery room was occupied with girls just like her, dressed in white robes and connected to machines that periodically checked their vitals. The room was still, full of regrets and quiet pains.
Each one of the girls in the other chairs were just like her.
Her body felt no different than it did before she slept. No ache, just a silence from her once-full womb.
She looked to her left and met the green eyes of a young girl who couldn't be more than seventeen. They nodded at one another in understanding.
Once they left this room, they would no longer acknowledge what happened. They would not even acknowledge one another if they passed each other on the street.
But for now, they were comrades.
Katniss watched as each girl was escorted out to go change and return to the lives they once lived before they became women, each going through their own silent losses.
Finally, it was her turn.
Katniss was taken to a dressing room and allowed to change back to the torn jeans that she wore along with the burgundy zip-up with 'Sae's Books' on the back of it. She looked on her cell phone and found a text from Gale and Johanna, both asking when they could come over.
There was also an e-mail from her last job interview asking when she was available to start.
Going to the front desk, Katniss was given a pamphlet on her Post-Op care along with a prescription of painkillers and the clinic's number if there were any questions or issues.
"Do you have someone to take you home?" The nurse asked.
She shook her head. "No—"
There was a soft cough and Katniss turned to find Peeta standing awkwardly in the waiting room.
She nodded at the nurse before gathering her things and approached him.
"Are you okay?" he asked tentatively. She nodded once more and Peeta took her bag before leading her out of the clinic.
His car was parked right in the front and as he opened the passenger-side door for her, Katniss gave him a long look before getting in the car. Katniss didn't know what his intentions were and she wasn't in the mood.
Looking in the rearview mirror, her eyes zeroed in on the television sitting in the backseat of his car. Peeta sat down in his seat and turned on the engine to warm up the car.
"What's that doing here?" she asked curiously.
Peeta followed her gaze before looking to her.
"You didn't seem like a Valentine's kind of girl," he told her. "So, today is just another day. Today, my girlfriend went through something that I don't think I'll ever understand. So, I'm going to take her home and feed her chicken soup then we're going to lay in bed and watch movies until she feels better."
Her eyes began to fill. "I don't know when I'll feel better."
Peeta's hand reached to cup her cheek, catching the tears that had suddenly begun to fall.
"It's okay," he replied. "I'll be here even when you don't feel good. It took several sleepless nights to realize that you were right. We weren't ready." His lips grazed hers and she felt the stirring of hope rise in her chest. "But…someday."
Katniss nodded, her hand reaching to brush her fingers to the solid lines of his face.
She looked in his eyes, seeing their future life in them.
"Yes. Someday."
FIN.
Songs:
"Wonderful World"-Sam Cooke
"Sweater Weather" (Acoustic Version)-The Neighbourhood