Ritsuka curled in his bed. It was all over, Soubi was gone. Ritsuka missed the signs the fighter frequently showed, he gripped his hair as the tears flowed while he grit his teeth together so his wails won't escape. He can't afford to let his mother hear, or anyone else for the matter. He thought of the times when Soubi first kissed him and the ones that came after, he would curse him, blush and pull away. How could he?! He spent too much time muddled up in himself and sorting his feelings out that he unconsciously forced Soubi to give up…so when he finally told him, he was weeks late.
He couldn't look him in the eye. Soubi said that for quite some time he was the most important thing in his world, and he would have given everything for him..and that he always meant it when he said he loved him. Ritsuka gripped his hair even harder, and all he did was ignore him and tell him off! More tears came. He loved Soubi truly. He would cry to him when he was troubled and sad, he loved how it felt to be in his arms and how Soubi would trace his fingers on his back and stroke his hair. How his kisses were gentle and loving even though his was inexperienced, Soubi would teach him over and over.
He picked up his phone from under his pillow and looked through the many messages Soubi sent him. "Goodnight, Ritsuka-sama.", "Aoyagi Ritsuka, your wish is my command.", "Keh, you're just in denial.", "…love, your Soubi-kun". Just hearing him saying that in his head made Ritsuka tremble in a pool of tears, and the fact that the love he had always wanted was right in front him all that time! He dropped the phone on the ground from the side of his bed, not caring about the noise. He didn't care about the ache on his head and that blood drew when he bit his lips to stop himself from crying, he still shook while crying.
Despite all this, Ritsuka was sure he still loved Soubi, very truly. Yet, all the loving gestures and kisses were gone. That look in Soubi's eyes he will never see again. And the tone of love his voice had altogether disappeared. Ritsuka let go of his hair and hugged himself to stop his increasing trembling. The tears still flowed. Ritsuka cried and cried, whnever he was sad he would tell Soubi and he would comfort him. Now there's no one to turn to, he would never tell Soubi how long each night has been like this, and no one ever knew of their love(now only his) except themselves, and he hated crying alone every night. Ritsuka was used to the solitude, but when he met Soubi, for some reason, he always wanted an excuse to be with him, after a few months of missing nearly all contact with Soubi at that time, he felt alone too, but nothing made him miserable. When he got back with Soubi, he noticed Soubi's change in attitude and his slowly growing hints of love in nearly everything he did. And all he did was give him absolutely no hope at all! He was nothing but a cruel fool.
Yes, whoever named him was too right. Loveless. One without love. That was him, and that was what he meant to be. Nowadays, Soubi barely talked to him and somehow he felt that Soubi wanted to avoid him, he knew that Soubi was a master at hiding his true feelings but Ritsuka knew him long enough to be able to tell what he feels. His smiles were empty and his words were nothing but utter trash that people who had barely met would say to each other.
The pain was unbearable, and Ritsuka knew that he had tried to end it lots of times but the scars quickly faded, and sometimes he can't get the blade to even touch his skin. He constantly wore long sleeves and jackets to hide them while they healed. This is what Soubi said he did when he was in desperation and exactly what his fighter told him not to do. Ritsuka didn't care. He knew he deserved it. It was his fault that Soubi suffered this same pain, and it was right he felt it and even more. Ritsuka's brain never tired of imagining what could have happened if he told Soubi while he still felt that way, it was sweet torture.
He skipped his meals regularly and his crying sessions at night kept himself awake half of it. It was harder to smile at day, and keeping his Haruhi-style attitude to everyone else. It nearly made him cry whenever Soubi said he was like his little brother and whenever he says that that was what friends are for in a phone call, Ritsuka cried quietly and hung up minutes later. Nowadays, Soubi seems to think he still hid myself but he will try harder, if he managed to deceive everyone, how come not his fighter? Still, Soubi was Soubi. He had shared things with Soubi that he would never dream of with anybody else, not even his family. Soubi knew him better than anyone else does.
But Ritsuka did not linger on that any longer, he planned to move schools and soon his house the next year. He will leave Soubi forever, because he loved him so much. No one knew of such a plan except his family who had sworn to secrecy. The thought of it never failed to bring him to tears. He would leave all his memories and all the times he shared with Soubi that he treasured above anything else, he would leave them behind. And he planned never to even say goodbye to anyone, even Soubi. Judging by his actions lately, Ritsuka thought that even if his departure was sudden, it would barely have any impact on his fighter. Soubi would probably just not believe it for a short while but when he realizes his sacrifice is gone, he'll just get on with his life and forget everything without a single feeling.
Someone once told him that true love keeps going on and on no matter what pain it causes and who ever feels it chooses to do so for the happiness of his beloved, that was what was true love. Ritsuka didn't doubt that very fact , he would suffer for the joy of Soubi. He swore his love and even his ears only to him, so he would have them forever and at the same time, fit perfectly into his destined name. Loveless.
And as he typed these last words, Ritsuka wiped the last of his tears for that very moment.