"I love you."
Three little words.
Three little words Ste makes sound so easy, as if he says 'good morning'.
Your hands claw into his hoodie when you really want to let him go. No, you must let him go. That's what this is, what this was supposed to be. A brush-off. Only he had to turn everything on its head. Like he always does.
You've had it all figured out. Up until this point. Ever since Amy had left your flat, you've been preparing yourself for this.
You processed the news - Rae is pregnant. With Ste's baby.
You made a plan - Break it off. Whatever this is.
You waited.
Sometimes Ste surprises you. Well, he surprises you all the time. Which is probably the reason why you…
He just tells you. No preamble. He tells you and he is looking at you for answers. Answer you don't have. At least not the answers he wants to hear.
You tell him the truth.
When you shove him against the wall - mostly to prove your point - the rage is back.
The rage that blinds rage that burns all reason inside you.
You tell him to step up, but you are not quite sure who you are talking to - him or yourself.
Because that's what this is about, isn't it? About you stepping up, doing the right thing (for once), letting him go even if you have to push him.
Problem is, he is not that easy to let go of, even though he has been slipping through your fingers from the very beginning.
He kisses you then. It bruises you straight to the bone.
When you pull back, the rage is gone. There is something else there now, something that blinds you even more.
You almost tell him then, tell him that you...
You kiss him now. You tell him this way.
You tell him all the things your words are no good for.
You tell him that, yes, you are jealous of what he has with Rae, even if it's just a little farce. It's more than you and Ste ever had.
You tell him that you want to be with him, that you want to start over, try again, do better if he just let's you.
And then you push away from him. Or try to because he holds on to you. He just has to ruin this, has to push through your defenses, through your resolve, and right to the core of your being.
There is no space for him there, there can't be.
"This is goodbye."
You both know you're telling a lie.
You have to make it a truth. If not for you (because this isn't about yo), and maybe not even for him, you have to do it for that unborn child. You can't break that little life because you had to fall in….
Amy's words ring in your ears. Do you love him?
You used to know what that meant. Then you weren't so sure. Maybe you understand now.