Worthless
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters.
She once had dreams, delusions of grandeur, goals and self-worth. She had friends once upon a time, a best friend, a boyfriend, a father and family that loved her. Now there's nothing – she sees nothing of value in the mirror. The hazel eyes are cold, hard and dead on the inside, a clear and definite reflection of how everything else works inside of her.
The only thing she's good for is the use of her legs and the space in between them.
Sure she's not hard on the eyes but what good is the body if no man wants to touch her because of the giant men always around her? No man wants to date a woman that is stronger than him, taller than him. Who wants a woman that can't even accidentally allow him to sow his oats in her? Eventually he'd grow tired of using her body and would seek out something more, something better.
There's always something better out there then her.
A scar-faced woman is better than her.
A plain, pimple-faced girl is better than her.
A toddler is better than her.
"Leah, I'm going out with Charlie and I'll be home later." Sue says quickly passing by Leah's door not even bothering to look in.
Nobody wants me.
"Leah, I'm out." Seth calls passing by even quicker than their mother.
Neither bothering to check in on her, making sure she's even there, paying attention to know what they've said otherwise they'd see that she's been standing in front of her full length mirror, naked, glaring at her own reflection, slowly slicing at her skin with a rusty pair of box cutters. They don't need her and she has wondered if they ever really did. No doubt she's become a plight on their family, the family name, the cheap whore of La Push that has no values or redeeming qualities.
No one stands up for the bitch.
No one even cares and then why should she?
There's nothing worthwhile in there. There's nothing worth paying any attention to, loving or even pretending to care.
She never bother sharing these thoughts with anyone because then they'll do what comes natural to humans, offer some cheap form of comfort, work on building her up to only turn around leave, returning to their world as she crumbles.
Throwing on a t-shirt she walks out the house and into the garage, looking through all of the shelves and containers but unable to find what it is she seeks.
Disappearing into the darkness of the forest, legs carrying her to her next destination and she can't help but frown seeing a light on in the garage, the sounds of metal clinking on metal. She walks in undeterred knowing that he and anyone else who is with him won't think twice about her or her request.
"Hey Lee," Jacob greets without bothering to look up.
"Do you have any antifreeze?" She asks without preamble, eyes scanning the neatly organized garage and falling on the object of her desire.
"Yea, right over there," Jacob says standing up to his full height, nodding his head in the general area but Leah is already there and almost out before he turns and looks at her. "Hey, wanna hang out?" He asks sheepishly causing her to stop in her tracks. "You sure? I mean we don't have to hang out here if you don't want." Jacob pushes after Leah gave a short 'no'.
"Not tonight," Leah answers with a sigh.
"Oh…okay," Jacob says reluctantly backing off. "Well…you know where you can find me if you change your mind." He offers up with a weak smile. It is a smile that Leah never sees and as she walks off Jacob tries to remember what she looked like – he didn't even see her face or the box cutter.
Standing on the edge of the highest cliff she sits starring out at the dark ocean, a storm is blowing promising to be loud, terrific and violent. It seems befitting for her to end her life the way everything all started to downhill. Loud, angry, violent, alone and scaring everything within its wake.
Antifreeze has a very sweet smell and taste to it which is why dogs are known to foolishly and innocently drink it. Her wolf groans unsure of exactly what is going on. Concerned by the emotional turmoil but lulled into a false sense of security by the sweet liquid – its better tasting the hard liquor she normally consumes.
She downs the entire container of antifreeze, her head swims and stomach warms with the sudden introduction of the lukewarm fluid to her stomach. There are no tears because why should she shed any for someone no one will miss? Sure they'll have a funeral and there will be tears because that's what humans do: cry, mourn over the dead. Once they are done with their crocodile tears will they realize with a relief how lucky they are to be finally rid of her, wonder why she stuck around for so long and hadn't done it sooner.
There is no fight left in the wolf as the box cutter slices against olive-colored skin but only deeper this time. This isn't the mild superficial scratch but cuts down clean to the bone before being slowly, jaggedly and mercilessly dragged up the forearm to the elbow. The blood is hot and pours out as if turning a faucet on full blast.
To ensure that there are no mistakes she deftly turns the blade over and slices clean around her elbow, separating the meat and flesh. She's not surprised that there is no pain. Something that's already dead shouldn't feel any pain. Switching the box cutter to her other hand does she perform the same act. It takes longer to finish the right arm as her vision is becoming blurry, and the few tendons, ligaments and veins that have remained connected to her arm struggle to stay alive, to heal and complete the task that the brain is ordering them to do. Eventually the task is complete and hates herself even more once she realizes that she's still standing.
She hates that she's the monster-sized version of the Energizer Bunny that for some damn reason just keeps on going and going and…going.
She hates that her body still fights.
What is there worth fighting for?
It's over, there's nothing left. Nothing left inside of her and nothing left outside in the world for her.
We've done our job. We protected our people – poorly. Remember how much they told you how useless you were in the battle with the newborns? Remember how Jacob didn't even want you there against the Volturri. It's because you're nothing – trash – a burden. Why bother watching out for a stupid bitch when there are much more important things to look after like Bella?
On shaky feet she stumbles forward, eyes looking down at the jagged rocks below but unable to see them.
There was no bright white light, no warm, kind, loving and familiar voice to welcome her to the afterlife. There was nothing but darkness and nothingness.
The pack felt a tiny twinge of discomfort, the hair on their arms standing up and a queasy feeling consuming their stomachs. None were privy to what had happened on the cliffs and as days tick by no one commented on Leah's absence; easily dismissed her absence as being at home, with Jacob, with Seth, a bitch.
The body was recovered three days later, found on the beach by a group of kids hoping to find seashells and coming up with more then they bargained for. The body is unidentifiable having become bloated beyond recognition and Sue and Seth are sickened with grief and disgust in that they don't even recognize the shirt that was found on the body. Fortunately, dental records are utilized and the Jane Doe is identified as Leah Michelle Clearwater b. October 27th, 1988, date of death estimated as being July 19th, 2011. Cause of death ruled as a suicide.
The funeral is solemn, somber and unorthodox as none were supposed to have known her best are able to say anything during the service. Not her mother, brother, former best friend and cousin or even former boyfriend. Instead, the deceased is spoken of by the chief, Billy, and even he seems unable to say much. The usually strong and jovial voice stumbles and chokes over words, eyes drifting to a high school picture of the deceased – the body was not fit for viewing.
They are all consumed with a numbness that has frightened them, shaken them to the core and yet not even the strongest of imprint pulls is able to pull them back from it. The emotion is silently and behind closed doors dismissed as guilt. They were a pack and should've seen this coming but Leah blocked them out, pushed them away, she brought this upon herself. Everyone will get over it. It'll be as if she either never left or was never here.
Life continues on as Leah predicted but she is not forgotten. However, all are hoping and expecting the pain, the numbness and overwhelming sense of worthlessness with leave them but how can you seek closure from someone who was your sister, took her life and never left a note explaining why?
A/N: So…yea…went real angsty there today. I'm actually having a pretty good day so…yea *shrugs* If you want to blame someone…BLAME SES! *suddenly whips around and points at sentinel10* She and Entangled did this to me. Don't believe then read my review for the latest update. Yea…I know. Not even her own family cared.
Okay, I'll have a funny A/N when I update Something About Her tonight. I promise and let's hope this funk doesn't stick with me for too long. Who knows how much deeper into the darkness I can fall because I mean once you kill Leah off…then EVERYONE is fair game and yes, yes she is my numbah 1 wolf. I love her more than Jacob because he's a bitch-ass punk for Bella Swan. And he's too goddamn lazy and stupid to actually reach up into the tree and find a ripe apple. He just picking up random apples that have fallen on the ground, filled with worms and bruised.
LEAH'S APPLE IS STILL HANGING ON TO THAT TREE!
….DAMNIT!...
*sits at desk glaring darkly at desk as email pops up* Grr…now I gotta get back to work. I'm hoping that maybe I might get a Call or possible be invited to a certain Room or just in the end find some place to Getaway to. Ahem, ahem, ahem. *clears throat and coughs* BlacknCallwaterfan *cough, cough*