AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I've been a fan of Remus/Sirius friendship fics for ages and decided to try my hand at slash. (OK, implied slash) It is in no way graphic but I've rated it M to be cautious and if the idea of two men offends you, just don't read this. I have plenty of other Remus/Sirius fics which contain no slash at all because I never used to find it worked with this couple. I just wanted to try this. It's essentially a songfic, to Taylor Swift's 'Back to December' (with October in place of December) but as you may be able to see, I struggle with the idea of a songfic ;). As I understand, they're meant to be brief thoughts but I've expanded it a little...
I'd love some feedback so feel free to leave a review! (This is a LONG author's note- sorry!)
STORYLINE: SET AT THE END OF GOBLET OF FIRE AS SIRIUS IS ON HIS WAY TO REMUS'S HOME AFTER DUMBLEDORE'S INSTRUCTIONS. BOTH MEN ARE STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER. EVERYTHING HAS CLEARLY CHANGED BUT CAN THEY EVER MOVE PAST THE EVENTS OF OCTOBER 31ST, 1981?
Sirius's thoughts
Remus's thoughts
Back to October (Sirius/Remus)
/
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
I looked at you for the first time in twelve years and it killed me. Harry and his friends were there, so I couldn't say half of what I'd have liked to. As we wandered out of the Shrieking Shack, I wanted to speak to you. To say anything. Something trivial. Small talk. Knowing you as well as I did, I'm sure that I'd have been able to gauge something from your responses. Whether you still loved me. Whether it was genuine, when you threw yourself into my arms in the Shack. Or whether you were just… emotional to see me after twelve years.
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
We did converse briefly, through exchanged letters. We couldn't send many though, and nothing pertaining to our relationship. It was too dangerous. Not that I cared, not for me. I just didn't want to risk dragging you down with me. Azkaban's no place for werewolves. Trust me. Throughout our minimal correspondence, you were too formal, too avoiding of any subjects that I actually wanted to discuss with you. And I couldn't even blame you. It's because I betrayed you. I didn't trust you, despite telling you over and over again that I loved you. I was a hypocrite and we both paid the price for that.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
We had one final night together. You told me that you loved me and I pretended to be asleep. When I awoke the next morning, your side of my bed was cold, the sheets were crumpled and your clothes were absent from their usual place on the floor. I didn't see you for twelve years. In the last memory I have of you, we were collapsed in ecstasy, you planting soft kisses on my neck and mouth and face and me turning away in fear. Fear of what might happen. Fear that I really had fallen for you. Two days later, you betrayed our best friends and killed Wormtail, along with a crowd of innocent Muggles. I went through stages of blaming myself; I told myself that I'd pushed you away. You tried to love me and I let the war come between us. My Order work was dangerous and it grew harder and harder to let you in. So I didn't.
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to October all the time
I'm on my way to your house now, Dumbledore's orders. You've moved. I didn't expect you to stay in our house. I had a separate flat after Hogwarts but after a month or two, I never returned there. Until the end. I stayed in my flat for two days after I left you, before I realised what Wormtail had done and I ran to find him. I was too scared to face you, too worried that you'd suspect me and I'd lose your love. I thought that I'd run back to you afterwards and we'd cry into each other's arms, picking up the pieces of our broken lives together. I lacked your rationality. I didn't ever imagine that wouldn't happen. I owe you that apology now, after all these years. I should have had more faith in you. I don't ever forget October 31st because I didn't just lose my brother and Lily. I lost the love of my life.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realised what I had when you were mine
I go back to October, turn around and make it alright
I go back to October all the time
The war was over, for everyone except me. What the fuck was I meant to do with my life? I replayed our last night in my head, me begging you to stay, you agreeing to stay. Then I'd wake up to the empty bed day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. It was too long. I lived too long without you and freedom meant nothing. For the first time in my life, full moons were an escape from the hell I lived. I'll never forget October 31st and I wish that I could stop the nightmares about seeing their bodies because Sirius, I see your body too. For me, you as good as died that night, along with Prongs and Lily.
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
I didn't sleep in Azkaban, I just spent the nights tossing and turning in my cell, screaming for an end to all the memories. The Dementors' presence caused me to replay myself slowly climbing out of our bed, dressing without waking you and Disapparating once I was halfway down the street, so you didn't hear me. I couldn't force my brain to play a different scenario. On March 10th, I knew what the date was. Maybe the Dementors saw it as something that gave me sorrow and alerted my attention to it. It was your birthday and I wasn't there with you. None of us were. It wasn't in your nature to celebrate your birthday and so I knew that you wouldn't. I spent the entire day crying because I knew that you'd be spending your birthday remembering how bloody much you hated me.
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realised I loved you in the fall
That last summer at Hogwarts was bliss. It was the best three months of my life. Nothing could hurt us, we were off to fight the dark side and we were all together. I told you that I loved you the morning after our last full moon at Hogwarts. Your eyes crinkled up and your mouth turned up at the corners, like you were trying to stop yourself from smiling too much. You just kissed me, long and hard and I felt your love long before you broke away to assure me of your feelings verbally. We swore that whatever happened in the war, we'd always stick together. You looked so sincere. In years to come, I'd find it hard to believe how wrong I was.
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
The war was too much for us. Neither of us had ever realised just how far it would pull us apart before we snapped. You never mentioned your secret Order work and I began to wonder if you didn't trust me. Then, I began to wonder if I couldn't trust you. The panic for my best friend and Lily and her unborn baby overcame my feelings for you. I swore to myself that I'd never let James die because I refused to see that you might be untrustworthy. Ultimately, it was my fear that ended it. You poured everything that you had into our relationship. I could tell when you were too tired to talk but you waited until I was home so that we could have a conversation. You waited in bed for me so that we could make love and then you'd fall asleep straight afterwards, only because you'd been so exhausted to begin with. The harder you tried, the more I worried. The less you were able to do for us, the more I suspected you. The longer you loved, the less I loved. I abandoned you Moony, when it mattered the most.
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to October all the time
I'll never forgive myself for not trusting you after Halloween. Why didn't I fight your case? You were my lover, my best friend, the one person who knew me better than anyone else. I let your betrayal in and I accepted it without much fight. Until I tell you, to your face, how unbelievably guilty I feel, I'll never feel any better. Even after that, the wounds will never heal. The only thing that would make it better is if I went back to October and changed the past. The one thing that neither of us can ever do.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to October, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to October all the time
I was out of Azkaban, running across the country as Padfoot, able to go wherever I wanted, within reason. I went to Godric's Hollow and broke down in front of the grave of my best friend. I missed your hand on my shoulder to console me. I wanted to stand there with you, the calm and collected one. I needed someone to help get through that but there was nobody. When I read in the newspaper that you were at Hogwarts too, I felt a rush of love and affection that felt so alien to my usual longing for vengeance and justice. I knew that I still loved you, whether you'd want to see me or not. On October 31st, I couldn't contain my agony, my grief and my fury. I snuck into the castle as Padfoot and threatened the Fat Lady with a knife until she screamed bloody murder and alerted everyone to the intrusion. I escaped again but I hadn't been able to reach Peter. I had been longing to avenge Lily and James's deaths on the anniversary of the event. And I had failed. All I did that night was to curl up in the Forbidden Forest and think about you. I howled all night, too emotional to return to my human form. I never wanted to be Sirius Black again.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
The picture of you in the Prophet looked nothing like the man I remembered. Your skin was pale and stretched over your skeletal features. I felt a wave of pain at the sight of the man I'd once loved. The image of you smiling at me had almost faded in my mind. Back at Hogwarts, I'd hated your smug, arrogant smirk from when a prank had gone particularly well, or when you'd beat me in a n exam after doing no work. Now, I'd give my entire Gringotts vault to see that smile for one second.
And how you held me in your arms that summer night
The first time you ever saw me cry
After The Incident, I thought our friendship would never be repaired. I didn't expect you to take pity on me. No one had ever seen me cry before, not even James. I buried my face into your shoulder and felt overwhelming guilt as your arms enveloped me. I should have been the one comforting you, yet we sat on the floor of the Shack and you stroked my hair, patted my back and whispered into my ear that you forgave me. After weeks of thinking that you hated me, I was more relieved than I'd ever felt in my life. I felt so grateful to you, to the man I would grow, from that point onwards, to love.
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I cried in Dumbledore's office on Halloween night. I was so drained from the emotions that had arisen at the mention of you, in the castle. I ran to Dumbledore and cried my heart out on his shoulder. I felt embarrassed afterwards but he understood me, far better than I realised. Part of me had wished that you'd actually burst into my study, just so that I could see you, talk to you, kiss you. For an hour or two, I didn't care what you'd done. Knowing that you'd been so close to me was torture, the kind of torture that Voldemort would give anything to replicate. I wanted to hold you in my arms this time, to whisper my feelings in your ear until you never doubted me for a second. I wanted to go back to the First War and tell you everything so that you'd understand why I was so distant. I will never make that mistake again with you. I'll tell you anything and everything running through my mind.
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
I'd do anything to undo the events of 31st October 1981. They ruined both our lives and the lives of everyone we loved. As I've been reminded constantly, there's nothing that we can do to bring back the dead. There's no Time Turner powerful enough in the world. I'm wondering if you'll ever be able to forgive me. I wouldn't blame you if you took one look at my face and slammed the door shut. It's been a year since you discovered my innocence and I know that you've had time to think. But I made other mistakes too. For you, I wasn't only guilty of murder but of betrayal. I single-handedly ruined our love, one of the only things that ever mattered to me. If I lose that now, just like I lost my brother, I don't actually know if I'll recover. You're too hard to get over. I couldn't even do it once.
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to October
The Triwizard Tournament finishes tonight and I want to see you this summer. I'll go anywhere, anywhere that's safe, as long as you'll be there. I want to apologise, I want to know if you've got any feelings left for me. I want to see what will happen when we're together again. Will it feel awkward and forced? Or will we feel like two pieces of a puzzle clicking together after being apart for so long? Will it be somewhere between those two? I'll throw aside all my inhibitions and I just wish that I'd put my heart on the line for you all those years ago. It would have been so much easier then than it is now. You were my first kiss, my first lover and my first love. They say that your first love never dies and honestly, I'm inclined to believe them.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to October, turn around and make it alright
Remus, I missed you so much. I hated being out of Azkaban but away from you. After what I did, I don't think our relationship stands a second chance but I just want to talk about what happened. There are so many things I'll regret until I can apologise for them. Even then, October 31st will still haunt me. I just wonder if I won't feel so bad when I've discussed everything with you.
(BOTH) I go back to October, turn around and change my own mind
It's too late to change the past, Padfoot. But the future, that's still ahead. We'll probably never go back to us. We've changed too much. I just want you to know that…
The worst night of my life. I carved 'Moony' into the floor of my cell in Azkaban when I first arrived. It just seemed more appropriate. I didn't want to write my name and yours was the only one I was anxious to remember. In twelve years, I'm sure you've moved on but always know that…
I loved you, Sirius
I loved you, Remus
I go back to October all the time, all the time.