*First up lets say Spoilers if you're yet to finish.*

I finished Beyond today and after multiple playthroughs of the Black Sun I was inspired to write. Now I know a lot of people can't get past Ryan's little deception but I love him so I poke my tongue out and say "neh" to those people. If you don't like Jodie and Ryan then don't read.

And I'm not entirely one-minded I was very tempted to send her back to Jay and the Navajo for a fresh start.

But again after multiple playthroughs of accepting and rejecting Ryan's offer of a relationship, killing and not killing both him and Jodie or just one or the other, I saw the lengths he was willing to go for her forgiveness.

That's the problem with people only doing things once and that's it. (No offense) BUT, there are SO many different possibilities and you see a lot of different sides to the characters. The writing below reflects my favourite aspects of my different playthroughs.

I have also never written in the first person before (ALWAYS third-person) so please be kind.

Anyway now that that's over with, enjoy my little fic and drop me a review of your thoughts, and if I should continue. xxx

Pen-To-Paper

I chose life. The decision had been simple. I had been through so much, suffered through so much, lived through so much that it couldn't have all been for nothing. I could be anybody that I wanted to be now. I could be Jodie Holmes. I could be Elizabeth North, hell I could be Jodie Clayton for all I knew. Ryan loves me; he's proven that to me over and over again over the last few hours. Sure we might have issues but who doesn't?

When I woke up in his arms, I could hear him uttering that we were alive. I was just as surprised as he was. But something was wrong. I could feel it, in the pit of my stomach. Something was missing. I wearily got to my feet and asked aloud "Aiden?" He wasn't there. Ryan was gazing around the room at the destruction that lay at our feet.

"We made it. Jodie we made it." Ryan wanted me to be excited. But I couldn't find Aiden.

"Aiden?" I asked again. Still nothing. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. I fell to my knees and started crying. Finding out that Aiden was my twin brother . . . suddenly made it that much worse. For so long I wanted to be rid of him, but he was my brother, and he was just trying to protect me. The sobbing was uncontrollable. I felt Ryan sit down behind me and when he pulled me into his chest comfortingly I let go entirely. We rocked back and forth and he kissed my hair, my shoulder, I'm not sure how long we sat there. I suppose it was until the military came in searching for bodies. The look of surprise on their faces when they found us alive was gold.

"Jodie?" Ryan whispered in my ear. "Jodie come on, it's time to go." He pulled me to my feet. A soldier approached with a blanket. Ryan took it from the man and wrapped it around my shoulders. An officer stepped forward too, wanting to question us but Ryan cut him off abruptly. "Not now. The interrogation can wait." He insisted, and I was happy for the reprieve. He steered me toward the door. We walked past Nathan's body. The man had been the only real father I had known, and in the end he turned his gun on me. My shoulder stung where the bullet had entered. If Aiden hadn't of intervened, Nathan would have finished the job. I hate to think what else might have happened. We walked down the hallways and found Cole being lifted up on a medical Gurney. He was alive. I had never been happier to see anybody before. I pushed past the paramedics and grasped his hand.

"Cole?"

"Hey Princess. You made it."

I smiled and another tear slid down my cheek.

"You too."

Ryan came and stood next to me.

"Hey buddy."

"Ryan . . . you take care of this girl you understand."

"I will . . . if she'll let me." He grinned. His smile still gave me butterflies.

The entire CIA complex was in ruins but Ryan got me outside where there were a number of ambulances waiting to treat people. He sat me down and got my arm looked at. I was grateful he was there to take control of everything; I didn't have the strength. I didn't say much as the medic extracted the bullet, or while the wound was being stitched. I had too much to think about.

"Jodie?" Ryan roused me from my thoughts. "I have to go talk to the authorities, but I won't be long. I'll let the medics finish stitching you up."

I nodded and he kissed me briefly on the lips before walking over to a cluster of officers.

I stood up and felt around to my back pocket, extracting the envelope. I had forgotten all about this, the passport and the five-hundred-thousand dollars. When Nathan had offered it to me, I considered shoving it back in his face. I wanted nothing from the CIA. Then again, I wasn't sure what my plan was and the money would prove useful. A safety net if nothing else. I'm still not sure what my plans are. I had told Ryan that I wanted to try to make it work. He had been prepared to accept me and Aiden together. It meant a lot and I love him for it. I do love him . . . what he did, the lies, it still hurts, but he was following orders. I realised after Kazirstan that I was no better than him. I followed McGrath's orders so that I could take my freedom. But even though I love Ryan I'm still no closer to figuring out who I am.

Without Aiden here to guide me I feel lost. I always had Aiden to think about in every decision I made. I miss him so much already. If I go with Ryan now . . . I'm just getting his hopes up. It's not fair to tell him that I want to make a life with him when I have no idea what living really is. I can't go with him. I don't want to hurt him but if he loves me he'll understand. He's walking back over to me. I bit down on my lip, trying to hold down the tears but I couldn't.

"Ryan . . . there's something I need to tell you." I looked down trying to avoid his face. I couldn't back out now.

"What's wrong?" He brushed the tears from my face. "What's all this?"

"I can't go with you." I blurted out. "I need time . . . Aiden's gone and . . . it hurts so much. I'm so confused and I just don't know what I want. I'm sorry Ryan."

He took my hands in his. He brought them up to his lips and kissed them gently.

"It's ok Jodie. You take as long as you need. I'll be here for you in whatever you choose to do."

With McGrath dead I had to report to his second-in-command for my official CIA debrief. What a load of shit. Afterwards I told him that the CIA had better leave me alone or they would never get my co-operation again. I also warned him that their cheque had better not bounce. The CIA didn't know Aiden was gone and I smiled at the thought that Aiden would find my threat humorous.

I said goodbye to Cole and to Ryan. He kissed me again, one last time and asked me to let him know that I was safe.

I used the money to buy a cabin out in the Alaskan wilderness. No one would find me here.

When my memories began disintegrating, I was terrified of losing my mind. I had no idea what day it was anymore and I was struggling to remember whole pieces of my life. I frantically wrote day and night to get it all down on paper. If I was going to forget completely then I needed to be able to read it back to myself. The writing was therapeutic. Re-living the parts that hurt the most . . . being suicidal, almost freezing to death, finding out Ryan had deceived me. Finding out that my upbringing had all been staged and my mother was drugged into a coma to keep her quiet. Being interrogated in the underwater base and knowing that Ryan's life was in my hands . . . all of that paled in comparison to the good parts.

So much good had come out of a life that seemed destined to fail. I brought hope to a group of homeless people that had nothing and inspired them to turn it all around. I found inner peace out in the Desert and saved the ranchers from the evils of the Infraworld. I would always have a home with either of them. Stan and his group took me in when I had nothing. Jay, Cory and Paul were willing to give me a fresh start. And Jay . . . he was strong, handsome, and he looked pretty good with his shirt off too. There was nothing more honest than getting your hands dirty and working the land. I knew I could find peace there again. I wouldn't have to think about my life with the CIA again.

Then there was Ryan. Every time I look at him I'm going to be reminded of the CIA and what they've done to me. But he's proved to me time and time again how much he loves me. He's risked his life for mine more than once. He's brave, easy on the eye, and honest. Even Aiden warmed up to him in the end.

Aiden . . . I miss him so much I can't stop crying. Years of loving him and hating him, sometimes both at once. Wishing he would leave me alone so I could live a normal life. But to find out he's my twin brother . . . I feel like a part of me has been amputated. I've lost my mother to her drug-riddled coma, my brother is gone and Nathan's gone too.

By the time I finished putting pen to paper I realised I should be focusing my energy on the positives. Cole had made it. And Ryan . . . if I didn't give it a shot with him then I would forever be asking myself "what if?" He would be the one who got away. His words echoed in my head. It had been months but I still heard them as though he said them to me moments ago. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy." I took a deep breath. If it doesn't work with Ryan it's not like I don't have other options. Aiden wouldn't want to see me like this, he wouldn't want me to be upset, and I don't think he would want me to spend the rest of my life alone either. It had been months . . . would he still be waiting for me. Would he still want me? There's only one way to find out.

When I arrived at Ryan's house, I took a deep breath and pressed the buzzer. There was no answer and so I knocked on the door for a moment or two. Still nothing, maybe he was out. There was no car in the driveway. Sighing, I sat down on the porch steps waiting patiently. There was no need to freak out. I had made my decision. It only took half an hour or so and Ryan's car pulled up. He hopped out of the car with his back to me and a paper bag under one arm. He had just been out at the store. When he turned around and saw me he dropped the bag to the pavement and stared at me. I think he was almost trying to work out if he was imagining me or not. I smiled at him and he grinned back. I walked toward him and he closed the distance within a second. His hands held my arms and his lips were on mine before I could think. When we broke apart, he whispered "You're here."

"I'm here." I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a tired smile.

"Does this mean? ..."

"I want to try . . . if you still want to?"

"Jodie . . . I want to." Ryan couldn't take the grin off of his features.

Bringing the conversation back to reality, I had to interject. "It's not going to be easy. I'm still grieving. I still have issues. We're going to have to work at this."

"So we'll take it slow, as slow as you need. I'm just glad you're here." He wrapped his arms around me and I sank into them. It felt so nice. "Come inside."

Ryan turned around to collect up his shopping off of the sidewalk and reached around in his pocket for his keys. "I wasn't expecting company so I've been cooking for one. I'll order take-out tonight and I'll cook for you tomorrow."

"That sounds amazing. I haven't had a lot of time to practice my cooking skills."

"How have you been eating for the last few months?"

"Not very well." I laughed. It was the first time I had laughed in months. "Ryan; I've missed you."

He kissed the top of my head before leading me inside. "I've missed you too, Jodie."

For the first time in a long time I felt as though I could switch off all of the thoughts inside my head, and simply exist.