It was fully dark out and only two minutes before curfew when Nitori returned to his room. Stepping inside and kicking off his shoes, he noticed Rin sitting at his desk. Rin glanced up at Nitori out of reflex from the sound of the door opening, but then quickly returned his gaze to his textbook. Nitori gave a sigh of relief and dropped his book bag beside his own desk before climbing the ladder to his bed. He had already finished most of his homework in the library, where he had been hiding out all evening.
He had recently taken to spending his evenings at the library to avoid being alone in the room with Rin. Although he had been agreeable to it at first, Nitori could no longer bear to be used by him any more. From the beginning Rin had been upfront with him; he was only interested in Nitori as a stand-in. He had no real feelings for him. And Nitori had accepted this and agreed to be his vent under the pretense that he found Rin attractive and that he had been quite frustrated himself, which was true, but not the complete truth. The complete truth was that Nitori very much liked Rin and wanted him as more than just a casual lover. After spending more time considering it, Nitori thought he might even love Rin.
After changing into his pajamas and brushing his teeth Nitori crawled into his sheets and made himself comfortable. He closed his eyes and was relieved that he had made it another night without having to bring up the awkward conversation he knew he would have to have the next time Rin tried anything. Part of him hoped that he wouldn't even have to say it, that maybe Rin would stop of his own accord. But ever since they came back from the swim team's shopping trip, Rin had been both irritable and insatiable. That had been their first night sleeping together.
Shortly after Nitori got comfortable, Rin put up his textbook and turned off the desk lamp. Nitori froze, his heart beginning to beat faster. He listened to Rin walking around the room. Don't come up here. Nitori begged internally. He heard Rin stop beside the bed and couldn't shake the feeling that he was being stared at. Swallowing hard, Nitori dared to roll over. Rin was, in fact, standing there, watching him.
"Is something wrong, Senpai?" Nitori asked with as much sleepiness as he could manage. His eyes had not yet adjusted to the darkness enough to see Rin's features. He wondered what his face looked like just now.
Rin stared a while longer before answering. "No." The tone of his voice betrayed him; Nitori could tell something was bothering him, but since he didn't want to bring it up himself, he knew better than to pry further. Rin ducked under to his own bed and Nitori rolled back to his original position, his heart now beating far too fast to sleep.
The alarm on Rin's cell phone woke them both up in the morning. Nitori always set his own alarm just in case but usually he could depend on Rin's to wake up. Occasionally, he would have to climb down and shake Rin awake to make him shut it off, but this time Rin was ready to crawl out of bed on time. The two got dressed in silence, which was pretty typical, if Nitori didn't start speaking first. His sleep had been restless and he was far too tired to be chatty this morning, so it wasn't until Rin had finished and was standing at the door that either of them spoke.
"Hey," Rin called over to Nitori, who was nearly ready himself. He paused with his sock and looked at Rin. "Don't be out all night tonight." Before Nitori could respond, Rin opened the door and left. Nitori gulped. He had evaded the issue long enough and now Rin was making demands. For it to be this bad would mean it would be difficult to stop him, but if he didn't, he would only end up hurt again.
The school day slipped by all too quickly. Nitori was hardly able to pay attention in class, instead running scenarios and potential dialogue in his mind over and over again. Even during practice his absent-mindedness continued, and this time people began to notice.
"Nitori," Seijuurou called. Nitori was standing off to the side, staring off into nothingness. "Nitori, you're up. NITORI!"
"Ah, yes?" Nitori snapped out of his current scenario and realized that everyone was staring at him. "Sorry!" He apologized emphatically, hurrying over to the pool. He tried his best to focus on his technique rather than his future but he still logged poor times for the remainder of the practice.
After a long shower and a slow walk to the dormitory building, Nitori found himself standing outside of his own room, his head hanging low and his pulse racing. Other students passed him by with curious stares and whispers, some speculating that he had locked himself out, others wondering if Rin had kicked him out. When he realized how long he had been standing there, he knew he couldn't put it off any longer without facing more wrath from Rin, and he let himself into the room.
Despite his command for Nitori to return early, Rin himself was not yet back to the room. Nitori might have felt relieved were it not for the fact that, rather than getting it over with now, he would be forced to wait with his thoughts even longer, and the indefinite wait felt like an even worse burden than if Rin had been waiting to pounce him the moment he'd opened the door. Nitori knew he wouldn't be able to get anything useful accomplished with his mind so distracted, so he climbed up to his bed and waited.
His wait was short lived, as Rin entered the room only fifteen minutes later, yet in that time Nitori had managed to fall asleep. Perhaps from his restlessness the night before, or from the strain he'd been feeling all day, as soon as he'd laid down he had begun to drift off. When Rin saw this, he grinned mischievously and climbed up next to him. The pressure of Rin's body causing the bed to shift beneath him woke Nitori, and he gasped in shock at the sudden appearance of the older teen.
"M-Matsuoka-senpai!" He exclaimed nervously. Rin pressed finger to Nitori's lips to silence him while he positioned himself, then he leaned in and replaced it with his lips. Nitori's mouth automatically complied; in his grogginess he didn't have the presence of mind to not kiss back. However, when Rin began unzipping Nitori's jacket, Nitori's heart kicked into overdrive and he realized that his chance to stop this was going to run out soon. As soon as Rin moved his kisses down to Nitori's neck, Nitori took the opportunity. "Senpai, stop!"
"I know, I know, no marks." Rin moaned. His hands were beginning to enter into the action, with one sliding up Nitori's shirt and the other stroking his thigh. Nitori had to fight his desire for physical pleasure and remind himself that he needed to do this for his own good.
"No, stop." He cried feebly. He could feel his face growing hot and tears began to well up in his eyes. Rin ignored him and kept nibbling, his hands finding just the right places to make Nitori cry out. "S-Senpai, I said stop!" His voiced cracked on the last word and he used his arms to force Rin back. The sudden jerk caused one of Rin's canines to dig into Nitori's shoulder and a small red scratch was left behind.
Rin stopped, startled, and looked at Nitori. He saw the mark he had left begin to bleed just slightly, but more importantly, he noticed that Nitori was trembling and that his breathing was rapid. But it was not in the same way he was used to seeing him breathe and tremble during these events. Then he noticed his teary blue eyes.
"Nitori..." Rin breathed. His brow furrowed with worry and his passion subsided at the sight of him. Nitori was shaking, crying from fear, and Rin had ignored his multiple pleas to stop.
Nitori sat up, covering his face with his hands, and wriggled his legs out from under Rin, pulling them up to his chest. He wanted to speak but all he could do was fight off the tears. "I'm sorry, Nitori," Rin began apologizing, reaching a hand out to touch Nitori's arm.
Nitori calmed himself and, wiping his cheeks, brought his swollen blue eyes up to meet Rin's. "I can't do this anymore." He announced. His voice was weak and tears continued to form in his eyes. He watched for Rin's expression to change and kept speaking. "I can't pretend for you anymore. I know I agreed to this with full knowledge that you weren't interested in me, but I can't keep listening to you calling out someone else's name when you're with me. I can't."
Rin's eyes were wide. He watched the trembling in Nitori's body increase as he spoke. He had never seen Nitori this emotional before, and he wasn't quite sure how to process it. He sat in stunned silence.
"Senpai," Nitori cried. He wished he could control himself better. He felt ashamed of the way he was shaking in front of Rin this way. "I can't bear the knowledge that when you're with me, you're thinking about someone else. I..." He choked down his fear for a moment and stopped the trembling, though he couldn't look Rin in the eye as the next words left his mouth. "I think I might love you." For just a moment, everything seemed to freeze, both for Rin and for Nitori, who was peeking sideways to see how Rin reacted.
Rin was shocked. He had never considered that Nitori might have fallen for him. Sure, he had wondered if Nitori may have developed a crush on him, but love? Suddenly Nitori's fear seemed so much more rational, and his own actions made his stomach turn when he thought of how they were affecting the poor boy's heart.
"Senpai?" Nitori was looking for Rin to say something. Even if it was a rejection he needed to hear Rin's thoughts right now.
"I'm so sorry, Nitori." Rin leaned forward and cupped Nitori's head in his hand. "I had no idea." He wiped a fresh tear from Nitori's face with his thumb, his eyes reluctantly meeting the reddened eyes of the heartbroken boy before him. Nitori was no longer trembling, though the tears were still falling, and a strange sort of relief came over him now that he had finally told Rin the truth about his feelings.
"It's my fault," Nitori admitted softly. "I shouldn't have let this go on for so long. I just thought, even if I couldn't have your love, if I could still be with you, it would be enough."
"No," Rin wiped away another tear. "I should never have asked this of you in the first place." Nitori's lower lip began to quiver. He had almost hoped Rin would confess hidden feelings for him in return, but he knew Rin's heart belonged to someone else. "But I want you to know something." Rin removed his hand from Nitori's face and placed it on his hands, which were clasped together in front of his knees. "I wasn't always thinking of someone else." His cheeks turned pink as he admitted what little comforting truth he could. "There were times when I just wanted you, and times when I thought perhaps I might have feelings for you."
"Senpai..." Nitori stared at Rin as though he were hearing things. Rin looked away.
"I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I'm over that person." Rin continued. "But I can't pretend I don't care about you either." Rin felt Nitori's hands release between his, and Nitori shifted himself so that he was sitting cross-legged. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he also had to remind himself that whatever feelings Rin had for him were still trumped by his love for the other. He pulled his pillow around and squeezed it tightly. "I... wasn't expecting that to happen when I first proposed this stupid idea."
Nitori stared down at his pillow. "At least I feel better having said it," He sniffled. "And I'm happy to hear you say those things. But it still hurts. Will it... always hurt?" He looked up at Rin.
"I dunno." Rin shrugged. It was an answer he'd like to know for himself.
Rin could see another round of water works and trembling were about to begin. Leaning in close, he pulled Nitori into a full embrace. "Let it out, Nitori." He could feel his own eyes beginning to tear up, and, almost wishing he could forget about the past and let himself fall for the one who loves him back, he let the tears begin falling. "Let everything out."
Nitori broke into full sobs, clutching Rin's chest and crying loudly into his shoulder. He allowed himself to be held, rocked, cooed, and caressed, until finally he ran out of tears and could only whimper into Rin's tear-soaked shoulder. Rin cried as well, his arms tight around Nitori, though his few sobs came between "It's okay"s and "Shhhh"s. He wasn't so much hushing Nitori; he used it as a sound of comfort as he rocked back and forth with him.
After some time Nitori grew quiet and Rin could tell from his soft breathing that he had cried himself to sleep. Fighting to keep his own eyes open, Rin gently positioned Nitori in the bed and pulled the covers over him. Brushing his short gray hair out of the way, Rin planted a soft kiss on Nitori's cheek before he climbed down to his own bed.
It was Nitori's own alarm that woke him in the morning. He shut it off and sighed, his eyes still tired from all of his crying. When he climbed down to get dressed, he thought he would have to wake Rin, but Rin wasn't in his bed. He didn't see Rin anywhere in the small room and he assumed that he had gone out early on purpose to avoid stirring up more emotion before school. Nitori was grateful for his absence, intentional or not.
The school day went by uneventfully. He found himself as absent-minded as the day before, only this time rather than playing future scenarios in his head, he was repeating the conversation from last night. He skipped swim practice; he didn't want anyone to see the scratch on his neck nor did he feel like he would accomplish anything by being there anyway.
Nitori returned to his room at the end of the day without having so much as seen Rin, in the halls or wandering the campus. Inside the room it was dark and quiet, just like before. Rin had not returned yet. "Maybe that's best." Nitori wondered aloud. He didn't feel like dinner, and he wasn't able to concentrate on homework, so he got himself ready for bed and let his weary eyes close early for the evening. Sleep came quickly for the emotionally exhausted teen, who didn't even stir when Rin returned a while later, or when Rin climbed into bed with him.
It was, as usual, Rin's alarm that woke Nitori, and when he opened his eyes to find Rin sleeping through it beside him, he jumped and nearly fell off the bed. What the hell was he doing up there? Nitori wondered. Cautiously, he shook him awake. "Matsuoka-senpai?"
"Mmm?" Came the muffled response. Rin rolled over and fumbled around for his phone. Once the music stopped blaring, he remembered where he was and what had led to his being there. "Oh," He yawned. Nitori sat nervously waiting for an explanation. Rin pulled himself up, rubbed his eyes, and faced Nitori. His eyes were red, besides their natural red, and his hair was completely disheveled, even for morning hair.
"Are you alright, Senpai?" Nitori asked. Rin looked away and then back again.
"I went out after school yesterday and confessed." He admitted shyly. Nitori couldn't hide the surprise from his face. Oh. He thought. I suppose he got rejected, then. He didn't appreciate that Rin would come back to him this way as a second choice. But, he figured he may as well hear the whole story.
"And?" He prompted. Rin turned his head away.
"After I said it, he got really quiet." Rin continued. "I couldn't look into his eyes anymore so I started to walk away, but then..." He trailed off for a moment, as if lost in the words he hadn't yet said.
"But then?" Nitori's chest hurt to think about Rin confessing to someone else but he still wanted to know.
"He grabbed my arm, pulled me around to face him, and kissed me." Nitori felt paralyzed. Rin, still with his head turned to him, went on. "At first, it was great. I was so happy. As things heated up, though, I started to feel something else." Nitori thought he might have tears in his eyes had he not spent them all already. When Rin finally faced him again, he could see the sorrow building in Nitori and quickly finished his story. "I started to think about you, and about him, and I realized, I had been in love with the idea of him. When I actually had him there in my arms it wasn't the feeling I had been longing for. When I was with him, I felt myself longing to be back here, with you."
"Senpai..." Nitori breathed. He still felt a paralyzing grip holding him still, and he almost wondered if he was still asleep and this was some kind of sick dream. Rin moved closer and kissed Nitori softly on the lips.
"After I stopped him and explained, I spent a long time alone, crying and cursing and venting out my feelings." Rin's face was red. He probably was not comfortable sharing so much information, but he knew it needed to be said for Nitori's sake. "I was a wreck when I came back last night. All I wanted was to curl up in a ball and be comforted by you. When I saw that you were asleep, I climbed into your bed. I'm sorry for startling you." He placed his hand on top of Nitori's and gave a weak smile. "I know this is a lot to take in, especially after the other night. I don't expect things to be okay between us right away, but I want to try."
Nitori stared at Rin without speaking while he considered everything that had just been said. His lips still tingled from the kiss and his heart was going haywire. After he had convinced himself that this was really happening, the floodgates opened and he threw himself at Rin, crying into his chest. When he looked up at Rin's confused face, tears entered his mouth from the corners of his smile, and he lifted himself up to kiss him. Rin wrapped his arms around Nitori's waist and buried his head in the smaller boy's shoulder, his own lips curving into a smile as tears raced down his cheeks, soaking into Nitori's shirt.
"I guess I might just love you after all." He mumbled through sobs of relief. He had been afraid that Nitori might still want to be distanced from him even after he poured his heart out to him, but this reaction gave him hope that his fixation with the past hadn't ruined his chance at happiness in the present. He felt Nitori pushing him back and complied, being met with a sloppy, tear-soaked kiss once his face was unburied.
"Say it again, Matsuoka-senpai," Nitori smiled, "the part about how you were longing for me." Rin's face went bright red.
"We'd better get moving before we miss breakfast." He dodged. Nitori pouted, but he wasn't disappointed. He had seen a side of Rin he didn't expect many people had, and the fact that he was returning to his normal self was a good thing. Even if Rin pretended not to care around others, and even if he snapped at him in private the way he usually would when Nitori said too much, he would still be able to accept it because he knew now that his love was returned.