"What the smeg am I doing?"
Rimmer checked the scanners on the dashboard in the cramped cockpit. A blip told him that Starbug was within range of the Wildfire.
Leaning back in his chair, he ran a hand through immaculately styled hair, remembering the time Lister had told him his theory on there being two people living inside you. How right he had been.
His confidence was the reason he had come back to this dimension in the first place, convincing him that Lister had missed him deeply. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and all that twaddle. Heck, why wouldn't Listy welcome him back with open arms and an open bed?
As always, though, Rimmer's confidence had booked a one-way ticket to Hawaii, business-class, and left him with paranoia, eating away at his reason and will, telling him to turn around and pilot the wildfire the smeg out of there before Starbug picked them up on their scanners.
It was this little voice in Rimmer's head that maliciously reminded him of how things had ended so horribly. Shortly before Captain Smug Git himself had dropped by for the second time, Lister had torn out his heart and ate it with a side serving of poppodoms, washed down with a six-pack of lager.
Extra curry sauce, of course!
David Lister had broken him, before sending him away to become a better man, or Hologram as the case may be.
Getting the Hard-Light drive from Legion had improved Rimmer's life considerably. He could feel again, and after three million and five odd years, the tension between him and Lister melted away to become bliss.
In the entire duration of his life, and of his death, Rimmer had never felt happier.
Obviously Lister had
Even after he had called everything off and sent him packing under the excuse to 'be a hero,' Rimmer couldn't shake the feeling that he might still be in love with the gerbil-faced slob.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
Without notice, Rimmer's confidence touched down once again; What was the worse that could happen? He would tell Listy that he still loved him, and Lister would send him on his merry way. He knew that that would happen, and he was fully prepared for that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
No choices; No ultimatums. He came here to get something off his chest, and that's all that matters.
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
'The ball's in your court, Listy, but I'm not leaving 'til I've done what I came here to do!'
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
He remembered the events on Starbug before he left; watching his own funeral...again! Technically it was Ace's funeral, but Lister thought it might be better to pretend that he had died...again! The whole thing seemed to flood by in a blur. He didn't get the time to say a proper goodbye. Maybe that was what Lister wanted all along, to be rid of him ASAP.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
This time, he'd sort things out properly, clear things up with the Cat and Kryten. He wasn't dead, and he was doing well with himself. Would they believe he was Ace now? Probably not, but he didn't much care anyway.
Well as he was doing, he was still missing something; something that should have been where his heart was, but now resembled a gaping, black hole, sucking all the happiness and joy out of him.
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Would he possibly take him back? If he's still as big a git as Rimmer remembers him to be, then definitely not, but his stint as Ace had taught him that unless you take chances, you never get anywhere in life.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Suddenly dread gripped him. He had been away for a long time; not ages, but a long time. What if something had happened to any of them? Although he didn't much like either Kryten or that useless gimboid Cat, he hoped they were alive and well. Especially Lister.
"Computer, how many are aboard Starbug?"
"There are currently four lifeforms aboard Starbug, Ace."
Rimmer frowned. Four? There were only three when he had left.
"What are they?"
"There is currently one mechanoid, a humanoid descended from cats, and two humans onboard Starbug Ace."
Two humans? What the smeg was going on here?
"Computer, one of the humans is David Lister, male, approximately 31 years old, give or take thirty millenia. Who is the other human?"
The computer was silent whilst it ran a DNA scan.
"One female, approximately 29 years of age, name Kristine Kochanski, Navigation Officer, Jupiter mining Corps."
Rimmer sat forward in his chair, gaping in disbelief.
"Kochanski? But in this dimension she died, killed by a nuclear blast of Cadmium II. How is she alive?"
"This is not the dimension of origin for Kochasnki."
Well that made sense. Lister had carted him off dimension jumping so he could kidnap a Kochanski frm another dimension, and make good on that idiotic plan of his.
Rimmer punched a hole in the dashboard, but it didn't make him feel better. Lister had treated him like crap but he still loved him.
Now, as he looked at the blip on his scanner, it seemed that both his confidence and paranoia had deserted him. All that was left now was his good old-fashioned cowardice.
"Computer, stop the shim. Take me away from Starbug."
"Where would you like to go, Ace?"
"Somewhere...Anywhere but here!"
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
"Computer, wait! Record a message, audio only. Confidential, to Dave Lister only!"
"Message recording, Ace."
Rimmer was silent for a full minute before he realised he should be talking.
"Skipper! Ace here, how are those clip...uh, kippers doing?"
Drop the macho talk, big guy. He can see right through you.
Rimmer sighed and cleared his throat.
"I wanted to drop by and see you, face to face. Catch up with things, you know, see how you are. I don't need to board Starbug to find that out though. I know you've got Kochanski at last, and I'd like to say I'm happy for you." I'm not, though. "I came here to talk to you, to tell you something, but I've weaselled out as always. Talking to you now...it would just be awkward and painful, I'm not sure I could live with the humiliation. Well...see you around, skipper.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
"Oh, one last thing, Listy? I'm in love and always will be"
Rimmer choked with sadness, and if he could cry, he would have. Lister had been a smeghead to him, well two could play at that game.
"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast," Rimmer finished, is voice still cracking. "End message."
"Message ended Ace."
"Computer, send message."
"Message sent."
"Good, now let's get the smeg out of here!"
"Certainly Ace."
Wildfire's engines powered up, and the ship vanished as it crossed over into another dimension.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Back on Starbug, Lister woke up with a start from his nap, and fell from his bed to the floor with a crash. The vidscreen behind him blinked "Message waiting" but went unnoticed.
He pressed his fingers to his lips hoping for some lingering presence, but it had vanished with the dream.
Lister always knew he would missed Rimmer, but was unprepared for how much. Now every night he was plagued by dreams of what might have been, and had realised that he had made the bigger mistake of his life by sending Rimmer away.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
"What the smeg have I done?"