A/N: Warning, this fic should only be read by people who can take a joke. This entire thing was to poke fun at friends and things I like, and should be looked at with a lighthearted attitude. There's quite a bit that I know may offend people. I warn you now. Last chance to turn back.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything in the following fic, not Vampire Knight, not Hairspray, Saturday Night Live, Twilight, or Plasma screen tvs. I do, however, own the crappy plot.
ROTFLMAO
It was a day unlike any other. Indeed, because someone had armed a rabid Vampire Knight fan with a Laptop, an Ipod, and stuck them with extreme boredom.
It did not bode well for the world of VK.
inlulzwetrust
Zero had spent the better part of a fortnight watching Yuuki's every move - watching when she ate, when she slept, when she showered, he paid close attention then.
He didn't even do it in secret, Yuuki could see him plain as day, nose shoved into the glass of the shower door, drooling over her naked form. For pete's sake, was he a vampire or a zombie? The way he stared made Yuuki think it was the latter.
On the fourteenth night of stalking, she had had enough.
"Oi, Zero! Kaname's supposed to be my stalker! In case you haven't read Twilight, which people totally compare us to all the time, he's the Edward of this series!"
"Like hell I've read that! I'm twice the stalker he is! I can-"
"Shut the hell up Jacob!" Kaname snapped, materializing out of nowhere into the shower with Yuuki.
"Oniisama!!!" Yuuki cried, throwing herself into his arms.
"Ye- wait, how the hell did you know that? I haven't even awoken your memories yet."
"I went to Manga Fox to read ahead. The US translates so slow." she waved off with an eye roll.
"Seriously? You've gotta be fucking with me!"
"Eh," she shrugged with indifference. "Some of the fans seem to have thought so after reading chapter 49."
"What? Since when? What the hell are we still doing here? Let's frikkin' go already!" Kaname began to tug on her wrist, about to disappear into chapter 49.
"Um, in case you haven't noticed, I'm nude right now, and, I'm not in that chapter."
"Shit, screw that then."
"Hello? She's mine! Back the fuck off man, go hit on someone other than your sister!" Jacob, er, Zero was getting pissed.
"It's still a notch above "eating" my same sex twin!" Kaname wrinkled his nose. Yuuki sat back to watch in the corner.
"Hey, he asked for it!"
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*Flashforward*
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"Zeroooooo." Ichiru was rubbing against his twin like a cat in heat.
"Get the hell off me! I'm busy!" Zero tried to swat him away.
"But oniiiiiiiiitan, you know Edward comes back, just put the book down. Come over and eat me."
"Hey! I am not fucking reading that crap! Do you see this cover? What the fuck does it say?"
"You stole that book sleeve off of a Harry Potter hardback in Borders!" Ichiru accused.
"Shut the fuck up before I make you!" his blush was fierce. Ichiru hopped down off of their bed to kneel in front of Zero, pawing at his lap.
"Ooh, I'm so scared, what are you gonna do to me you dick?"
"I'll friggin' shove mine down your throat if you STFU - Hey wait!"
Ichiru had grabbed Zero as soon as those words were out.
"Oh, too bad for me, I don't want to, looks like you're going to have to punish me." he purred.
"Wait, we're still fully dressed, uh, I mean, get the fuck off!"
"Don't worry Zerorin, I have breakaway pajamas!" he stood and ripped off his clothes, standing in nothing but a string bikini. His twin shot him a look of pure WTF.
"What the fuck?" he reiterated. Without warning Ichiru broke down into tears.
"I knew you would never support my dream!"
"Did I miss something here?"
"Can it fuckface!" he sobbed dramatically. "Just because I wasn't picked to be the cross-dressing mom in Hairspray doesn't mean my theatrics are inferior! Why, WHY?! Damn you Miley fucking Cyrus!"
"Uh, Ichiru, John Travolta got that role."
"Oh, so now you're sticking up for that little hoe?" he continued to sob. "How come Disney wants her? What, vampires aren't Christian enough? We're always seen with crosses, every fucking where!"
"You aren't even a fucking vampire you wannabe! And FYI, we went to Disney to audition for roles. Apparently the Sprouse twins are too much twin action for the entire company, what with sick fucks making shota fanfiction about them. I tried telling you this, but you were too busy shoving your nose up Ashley Tisdale's ass because you thought she looked like Shizuka!"
"That's 'cuz you never shove your nose up my ass anymore!"
Zero let out an exasperated sigh.
"If I shove my nose up your ass, will you please get rid of that jizz stained autographed photo of her?"
Ichiru smiled.
"I'll consider it."
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*Endflashforward*
_______________
"Nevermind."
"So you have read Twilight! I knew it you fucking pussy!" Kaname accused.
"Oh yeah? Who has a poster of fuckin' RPatz in his dorm room?"
"Hey, I have Yuuki as my cover! An incestuous relationship with her will completely hide my infatuation with Robbie-kins!" he got all sparkly eyed.
"Fuck you too I'm going to go off and masturbate. AT LEAST MY FINGERS WON'T DISAPPOINT ME MISTER NEGATIVE TRIPLE X CONDOM!!" Yuuki screamed, trying to force her way out of the shower.
"Ooh, burn!" Zero lol-ed.
"At least I have a dick Ms. Flatty Patti! Robbie-kins has move boobage than you!"
"Flatty Patti? No fucking wonder you like RPatz you faerie." Yuki retorted.
"Where you going lil' sis? Got an itty-bitty-titty committee meeting to get to?"
"Oh, he got you that time. Yuu-" Zero was cut off abruptly when Yuuki shoved her tongue down his throat.
"I don't care if you're a bisexual pill-popping freak of nature three levels beneath me, at least you actually pay attention to me."
Zero looked like just -
"Jizzed in his pants!" Ichiru sang in a soprano. The glass to the shower door shattered.
"And you, they already did that episode of Saturday Night Live, build a bridge, and get over it." Yuuki snapped.
"Oh, oh chika you did not just call me out putang e na you little tramp." Ichiru spat in a Spanish accent.
"Oh yeah, I think I just fuckin' did." Yuuki snapped three times in his face, her ghetto accent strong. "And that's why you're such a bad actress, who the fuck does a Spanish accent when they're speaking Tagalog? Learn your fukkin geography."
"Punta, same damn difference."
Yuuki looked as if she'd just been slapped.
"Oh hell no, Kaname, hold my poodle!" she shoved a still dazed Zero in his direction.
"Oi! You're interrupting my fantasied of Robbie-kins!"
"Hold my damn poodle and I'll give you a snapshot of him to use as your jizz dartboard."
Zero snapped out of it.
"Hey, enough of the fucking dog jok-"
"SHUT UP JACOB!" everyone screamed at him in unison.
"You don't even know how to control my bitch." Ichiru sneered.
"You mean MY bitch you wannabe vamp! At least I gots my edumacation, I'm still in school, where the fuck were you for the last few years? Only failing at your goals, becoming Shizuka' lover and a vamp. I've passed fifty'leven grades meanwhile."
"Oh really, how, by sleeping with the teachers you ho? What is that, ghetto math for sixty-one?"
"Hey, Ichiru," Zero called from the corner.
"Yeah baby?" he asked, eyes huge, and sparkling.
"OMFG SPARKLY EDDY!!!" Kaname tackled Ichiru to the ground, smothering him in kisses.
"Careful with the merchandise!" Zero fumed.
"Holy shit, Jacob is really Pimp-san?" Yuuki asked in wonder.
"Only for you baby." he grinned as he shoved garlic in Kaname's face.
"That shit doesn't work on me!" Kaname grinned triumphantly.
"Well, okay, I guess I'll throw out this garlic, that's been up RPatz's ass... What a waste..."
"Holy fucking shit! Are you forealz?"
"Go get 'em!" Zero tossed the garlic out the door, Kaname was in hot persuit.
"Wait for me Sparkly Eddy!!"
"Finally," Zero turned to Ichiru to help him up. "Baby I thought he was going to hurt you."
"HA! See that hooker vamp? Zero was worried about me!"
"NOT YOU!" Zero pimp slapped then bent Ichiru over. He pulled his twin's pants down and shoved his hand up his ass.
"Ahh, fuck yes!" the other one moaned obscenely, tweaking on his nipples.
"Stop making those disgusting noises," Zero pulled a plasmascreen out of his twin's ass with a resounding popping noise.
"So that's where you hid my tv!" Ichiru accused.
"Well there was more than enough room you see,"
"LIAR!" Kaname stormed back into the bathroom. "I shoved that piece of garlic all up my fucking nose and I could not smell a trace of Robbie-kins ass!"
"You were about to hump my fucking plasmascreen, sue me Twi-whore."
"Maybe I will! How would you feel about that? Where the hell is Judge Judy? She'll know what to do!" he grabbed the remote from Ichiru's ass and flipped the tv on. Judge Judy was tending to a couple who were fighting over car payments. "Well, let's go dog!" he tossed the remote aside and turned to gather Zero, once he found him. "Oi, Yuuki, your poodle went AWOL!"
"Oh, oh is it my turn to speak now? After the script pulled away from me to focus on your faerie ass?"
"No one likes a bitter bitch." Kaname frowned.
"Build a bridge and get the fuck over it." Ichiru added for good measure.
"STFU and help me find your hubbie or I'm sticking the charges on you." Kaname dragged the other Kiryuu twin off on the manhunt.
"Fucktards!" Yuuki called after them before huffing and sitting down with the remote in front of the funbox. She started flipping through different channels until a fight on one of them caught her eye. Hastily she flipped back to that channel, in the mood to watch people beat the shit out of each other.
______________
*Inthetvworld*
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"Bitch that's my husband! Now I dun give a fuck if you got a baby comin' by him, that's your problem! You ain't gettin him!" a hillbilly woman stood pointing at a thin bucktoothed blond with her cigarette.
"You fatass ugly bitch, you can go to hell I'm gonna marry her and you can't do shit about it. You can't fuckin touch her cuz she's pregnant I'll tear yer ass up!" a guy who looked like he could be Don Vito flabbered on with a beer can in his hand.
"She ain't pregnant in her fuckin face!" the fat chick yelled, decking the blond.
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" the crowd yelled.
______________
*IntheVKworld*
______________
"Kaname! Bring Zerorin back! He stole my snacks!" Ichiru was yelling down the hall. A moment later Kaname appeared with Zero in tow, heading to the tv.
"NO! WE'RE SORTING THIS OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!" Kaname yelled back, heading straight for the plasmascreen, unaware that the channel had been changed.
"Give me back my gummi Zero!" Ichiru yelled, diving for the back of Kaname's shirt as he disappeared into the television.
"Gummi?" Yuuki blinked, catching Ichiru's ankle as he was swallowed whole by the screen, coming along for the ride.
ROFLCOPTER
Can anyone possibly guess where they're going??
In reviews I trust.