DISCLAIMER: I do not own Lara Croft or Winston. They are property of Square Enix (formerly of Eidos).
This story is rated T for graphic violence and foul language. It is not for anyone under the age of 13. I can tell that your 8-year-old brother is not going to want to read this crappy fanfic.
This is loosely based on a number of Youtube videos where people show how they have hacked the Tomb Raider games to make them look really weird. A lot of them are very funny. The one most parodied is this video called "a very weird Tomb Raider 3 hack" by a user called cessusbangy.
Hopefully my British English is good enough. I'm American, so naturally I don't know if I'm using Briticisms correctly.
THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS
COLD CROFT MANOR
OR, HOW LARA'S HOUSE WENT BATSHIT INSANE
It was a seemingly normal morning. Lara Croft was asleep in her bed, waiting to wake up and start the day.
Eventually, Lara woke up. She got out of bed and looked at her room. Everything in her room looked all wrong - the walls, floor, and ceiling all looked weird. They had a black marble pattern instead of their usual pattern.
"What a bloody damn hell!" said Lara. "Why does everything look so glitchy and retarded?"
Lara's voice, for some odd reason, sounded very Speakonia.
Lara walked up to her window and looked out of it. She saw that the sky was red. You know what this meant - red sky in morning, sailors take warning. Lara wasn't a sailor, but she still thought that this red sky meant something bad.
"The sky is red," said Lara. "Better look at a news report."
Lara turned on the TV. She saw that there was that screen with the rainbow stripes. Then she changed to the news station, which was showing a fishing commercial when it should have been showing news.
"Now you can buy the Wonderboner for half price!" said the commercial voice.
"The Wonderboner!" said a guy in the commercial. "My wife would like that."
"Oh no!" said Lara. "The telly is showing that bloody Wonderboner commercial. Why won't they admit that something is wrong?"
Lara turned off the TV. She decided to go out of her room and investigate her house.
"I know!" said Lara. "It was Winston. He always wants this house to look so daft."
Lara went downstairs from her room. She took her preferred shortcut - jumping down the stairs. This would deplete a little of Lara's health, but Lara was always a risk-taker. Of course, at least she didn't swan dive, lest it break her neck.
When Lara was downstairs, she looked towards the kitchen. She saw what seemed to be Winston, but he had no head. Lara screamed.
WAAAAAAAH!
"Winston has no head," said Lara. She decided to take him down, so she pulled a rocket launcher out of nowhere and blew him up.
"Why do I have a weapon all of a sudden?" Lara asked herself.
Once Winston was dead, Lara went to the door. She opened it up and went outside. As it turned out, there was a black marble pattern all over outside too.
"Crap!" said Lara. "What in God's name is going on here?" She saw the moon hoverng right over her house. It was the scary moon from The Legend of Zelda. "Oh no! It's the evil moon that crashes into the earth!"
Lara ran around the grounds of her house. She saw that there was water hanging there. The water went up to the top of the house, but it was surrounded by open air. Lara was able to walk into the water.
"Holy shit!" said Lara. "You can walk into the water."
After Lara walked into the water, she swam around. She saw that there was fire burning underwater.
"The fire is burning under the water?" asked Lara. "How is this even possible?"
Lara swam to her quad bike track. She then got out of the water and climbed onto the hedge. Then she jumped into the quad bike track. Lara then looked at her shoes.
"Damn!" she said. "My trainers are all ripped! Oh, well!"
Lara ran up to her quad bike, which was green instead of its usual red, and got on. She began to drive it all around the place. Eventually, she drove it straight into the water and it crashed. Lara managed to get out of it okay.
When Lara was swimming in the water, she found herself in an underground cavern. She then saw piranhas in her water.
"Wait a minute," said Lara. "There are no piranhas in England! What is with Tomb Raider games and all their misplaced wildlife? Just look at the Greek gorillas in the first game..."
The piranhas heard Lara and swam over to her. They started to eat her up. Lara screamed.
WAAAAAAAH!
Then she heard Winston's voice.
"Lara? Lara?" said Winston. "Wake up!"
Lara woke up from her sleep and realized that this was all a dream.
"Ah," said Lara, now with her normal voice, "it was only a nightmare. Better not get pissed like that again."
"You're strange," said Winston.
"Don't say that, Winston," said Lara. "I don't want to have to lock you in the freezer."
Winston flinched.
"Of course not, Lady Croft," said Winston.
"I have to get back to work," said Lara. "I need to raid that newly discovered tomb in China and take all its stuff so I can hoard it in my trophy room."
THE END