Twilight
The Spoof
(After several hours hiking through the ridiculously green forest of Forks Washington EDWARD and BELLA finally reach EDWARD's secret "meadow" which is the equivalent of a crop circle.)
EDWARD: (Nervous) Do you like it? (Looks towards Bella)
BELLA: (Pauses and slowly looks around disgusted with the small junkyard. The uneven crab-grass, the broken drawn on trees all with (EDWARD + NAME) written on them with giant X's crossed through each one. Finally her eyes meet his as she forces a fake smile to her lips) It's very nice Edward.
EDWARD: (Smiles proudly taking BELLA's hand and begins walking quickly towards one of the "clean" trees.)
BELLA: (Trips on a chunk of uneven grass and falls to the ground breaking her nose on a nearby stone) CRAP! (She grabs her nose and makes sure it's not bleeding, the looks around realizing EDWARD's missing) Edward! (Angry) Where are you?
EDWARD: (Comes back with a deer leg in his hands, and licking his lips) Right here my love! (He sings while tossing the leg aside) What happened to your nose? (Confused)
BELLA: (Hotly) I fell down because YOU (Points finger at EDWARD) were walking to fast. We aren't all speedy vampires you know. (She puts her hands on her hips)
EDWARD: (Gloomy) I'm sorry Bella; I shouldn't have done that, I HATE myself!! I'm such a monster and you don't deserve me. I should leave you. (Turns to leave but BELLA grabs his hand)
BELLA: (Glares) NOT funny. Stop being such a baby, I forgive you.
EDWARD: (Smiles big then grabs BELLA's hand again) Thank you my love, now let me pay you back by showing you how I travel through the forest.
(Grinning like a mad-man EDWARD throws a startled looking BELLA onto his back and begins to run at a vampire's pace through the forest)
BELLA: (fearfully) Edward!! Are you insane? We're going to hit a tree!!
(A large branch clothes-line BELLA as she flies off of Edward's back and lies knocked out on the forest floor. Edward continues running, not yet realizing that BELLA is missing)
EDWARD: (Oblivious) Running is like second nature to us, I won't hit a tree ever. (Pauses shortly then continues with a cocky edge to his voice) You know… us vampires have lived for a long time. Had I known you back then I would have organized the Alphabet to have "U" and "I" beside each other. (Silence) Bella? (EDWARD stops puzzled as to where BELLA could have gone without him noticing. After a short time, he decides to turn around and find her)
(BELLA slowly and groggily wakes up only to find a giant wolf in front of her sniffing. She screams frantically scooting herself farther away from the wolf who now was a naked BOY)
BELLA: (Frantically scratching at her eyes) MY EYES!!!
BOY: (Hurt written all over his face as he looks towards the sky and shouts) Why doesn't anyone love me? (The BOY changes back into a wolf and runs away.)
EDWARD: (EDWARD finds BELLA and goes towards her with a wounded look on his face) Why'd you leave? (Pouts)
BELLA: (Dazed and confused groans while rubbing her eyes) I'm sorry?
(EDWARD laughs with another big smile on his face as he offers BELLA his hand. Not realizing his strength he excitedly ripped BELLA up intending her to be on her feet. A distant cry can be heard as Edward realizes he projected BELLA into the air above the forest.)
EDWARD:(Heroically shouts) I'll save you! (Begins following the now distant scream of his flightily girlfriend)
(BELLA continues screaming as she begins her downward journey to earth but in the nick of time is caught by a speeding EDWARD)
EDWARD: (Cockily) Did it hurt?
BELLA: (Incredulous look) When?
EDWARD: (Stilly cocky) When you fell out of heaven? (Smirks when BELLA rolls her eyes and huffs irritated)
(Bella looks towards EDWARD to tell him off when she sees a giant fly stuck in EDWARD's teeth, she then begins gagging from how disgusting that was. EDWARD stops in front of the tallest tree in the forest)
EDWARD: Are you ready? Hold on tig(Bella interrupts)
BELLA: (Frantic and fearful) Umm Edward, is it possible we can climb a much shorter tree? Or even just not climb a tree at all?
EDWARD: (Waving his hand at BELLA) Nonsense. You better hold on tight Spider Monkey! (Edward leaps onto the first branch, and then another and another until finally they are at the top of the tree)
BELLA: (In awe) this can't be real
(A loud CRACK sounds through the forest as the branch EDWARD and BELLA are standing on breaks. BELLA screams but is slightly comforted when EDWARD clutches her to his arms.)
EDWARD: (Whispers in BELLA's ear) It's not.
(BELLA wakes up startled as the plane lands on the ground. The asexual voice over the crackly speakerphone announces the success of the flight to Forks Washington.)
BELLA: (slowly unclips her seatbelt looking out the window at the green environment that was waiting outside. One very large and tall tree can be seen) I hate trees.
THE END